People Who Need People

[Dionne] Warwick, for years an aficionado of psychic phenomena, was advised by astrologer Linda Goodman in 1971 to add a small “e” to her last name, making Warwick “WARWICKe” for good luck and to recognize her married name and her spouse, actor and drummer William “Bill” Elliott. Goodman convinced Warwick that the extra small “e” would add a vibration needed to balance her last name and bring her even more good fortune in her marriage and her professional life. In retrospect, the extra “e,” according to Dionne, “was the worst thing I could have done… and in 1975 I finally got rid of that damn ‘e’ and became ‘Dionne Warwick’ again.”

Perhaps Mason’s sudden-onset name change mania isn’t a symptom of his bipolar disorder. Recall how Les fed him that story about Pavarotti’s superstitiously carrying a bent nail for good luck (before planting one for Mason to find, in order to give him the confidence to get through a table read for Lisa’s Story). It wouldn’t take much to convince such a gullible sap that tacking an “e” onto his surname could bring good fortune…or maybe even “a new interview with People magazine“! Because, you know, that project he was involved with the last time People mag came knocking? Les and his fucking “kill fee” put the kibosh on that.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

23 responses to “People Who Need People

  1. Epicus Doomus

    “In this week’s People: you forgot all about him but now he’s added an E to his name…Tom Greene!”. Yep, lots of cachet there. Know what else would raise Mason’s profile and get him a lot of attention? Yes, correct, the thing that’s the center of everything and means less than nothing…that damn movie.

    Coming next week: weary of jokes about his stupid name, Les pulls the trigger and officially changes his name to Less More, finally putting an end to the mockery.

  2. spacemanspiff85

    Does People have an “Idiots of the Week” section? Because I could definitely see Mason in that.
    “You thought the name Mason Jarr couldn’t get any dumber. Turns out you were wrong.”

  3. Rusty Shackleford

    Cindy, get back to BuddyBlog. Yeah, that’s right, tell us what the Kardashins did today. Cross those legs high so we can see some flank. Yeah

  4. billytheskink

    Adding an “e” to the end of Jarr gives the name a foreign cachet in the same way that naming a suburban strip mall “Nottinghamfordshire Centre” does.

  5. Epicus Doomus

    TFH: “dismal Dino Deer”…LOL. Awesome. I wonder if it’s half-dinosaur half-deer or just a really huge deer? I guess I’ll have to wait for the Sunday homage to find out.

    So, is Mason all stupid again now or what? He was kind of douchey when Les first met him, then he became a beloved Westview fixture, then a benevolent student of lost films and now he’s an idiot again? Well, at least it’s A personality, sort of, unlike Cliff who had none whatsoever.

  6. Add “actors” to the long list of people that Batiuk has both a bizarre contempt for and no actual understanding of.

  7. Jimmy

    That inset is so incredible it defies words. Bravo!

  8. erdmann

    I wonder if Batiuk actually meant “Dyno Deer,” as in “Dynomutt” or “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.” It still would’ve been dumb, but at least it would’ve made some sort of sense. Of course, that would’ve made it unique in this story line.

  9. And the really irritating thing is to have to remember that Batiuk has no idea what TMZ is. He probably thinks it’s a food additive.

  10. A HREF

    Compare how Mason looks in the 2014 strip with how he looks today.

  11. Gerard Plourde

    @ The Diva – Absolutely right. It’s astonishing how many easily researched topics he blithely writes about. Not only would Mason be bypassing People as a media outlet with too small an audience, but also scheduling interviews would be the job of either his publicist or the publicity department of the studio or production company.

    And what about Cindy’s employer, Buddyblog? Don’t they do interviews of celebrities? Or has Batty forgotten that she has a job?

  12. LOL… “People”? I know the calendar in Batiuk’s mind is perpetually stuck on 1987, but would it have killed him to say “Entertainment Weekly”, “Vanity Fair”, etc? Or are those too highbrow for his readership?

    Based on the People mags I see at the supermarket checkout, there’s only four ways for Mason to get in:

    1. Have a baby with a ‘People’ regular (e.g., Lindsey Lohan)… Even though Cindy Sommers is technically a public figure if not a minor celebrity, she is well past her childbearing years…

    2. Start a destructive drug/alcohol habit with plenty of possession/DUI arrests and check into rehab

    3. Start regularly fucking a Kardashian (preferably Caitlyn Jenner, since Mason has a thing for weird, neurotic, self-centered 70-year-old women)

    4. Some combination of the above…

  13. So let’s try it out:

    Johnny Deppe
    Brad Pitte
    Liam Neesone
    Will Smithe
    Morgan Freemane
    Meryl Streepe
    Robert Downeye Jr.
    Harrison Forde
    Jackie Chane
    Vin Diesele
    Idris Elbae
    Chris Hemsworthe
    Denzel Washingtone
    Kenneth Brannaghe
    Jennifer Anistone
    Reese Witherspoone
    Gwyneth Paltrowe
    Cameron Diaze
    Natalie Portmane
    Mark Wahlberge
    Leonardo DiCaprioe
    Matt Damone
    Ben Afflecke

  14. We could be getting the Starbuck Jones story they’re filming, or a behind-the-scenes look at the filming, or maybe even a parallel of the two. Instead, a week of someone thinking of altering his name. This is almost a huge insult aimed at his readership.

  15. Rusty

    @beckoning: Yep, I’m pretty sure this is now taking a turn towards “Mason was just kidding around to show how wacky he is, and to kill another week.” Unhappily for him, the more time he spends with Cindy the older he appears.


    Um, considering he is a star of a big budget action film…shouldn’t he already be getting an interview with People?

  17. Hitorque

    @beckoningchasm: I think it’s pretty evident that Batiuk has been straight up trolling his readers and us since the infamous “kill fee”, if not earlier…

  18. “You know, I came up with an absolutely hilarious character name–Mason Jarr. But people didn’t laugh. I figure it’s because I kept just calling him ‘Mason’ for some time and people forgot. I’m going to spend a week or so just reminding them how funny that name is, and giving them plenty of chances to laugh.”

  19. Professor Fate

    It really is amazing what an intense laser like focus the Author has on the utterly banal.

  20. Jimmy

    I didn’t find the People reference so obtuse. It does still have a circulation over 3 million, I think.

  21. DOlz

    re:Hannibal’s Lectern, there’s no way he could be a bigger ass.