I Want To Take You Hire

Hello folks! I’m billytheskink and I’ll be your tour guide for the next two weeks. We’ll see some smirks, some jerks, and I may even pen a haiku or two.

Let’s begin the tour with today’s strip, a continuation of last week’s story about how arranging studio-released movie stills and reposting them online can lead to unexpected phone calls. This week we’ll be exploring what these unexpected phone calls lead to, which apparently are Hollywood employment opportunities.

Though one of our commenters here snark-ily suggested that Masone hire DSH last week, there is not a clear role for him to fill in the middle of production for the Starbuck Jones movie. Writer? Storyboarder? Creative consultant? “Grassroots” online advertising/promotion stooge? These positions should already be filled, shouldn’t they?

Eh, Masone’s hired half of Westview already (does he own the production company?), may as well hire the other half. Ten bucks says Lefty and Dinkle are scoring the film before the year is out.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

25 responses to “I Want To Take You Hire

  1. spacemanspiff85

    “Motion picture company”? Who talks like that anymore? I hope they’re hiring him to work on a talky, at least.
    Come on Batiuk, you don’t have to fill up the entire balloon, no matter what.

  2. Epicus Doomus

    Uh, sure Tom, whatever you say. The Starbuck Jones film is going to hire John as their official movie still online putter-togetherer because every big-budget superhero film needs one of those. Perhaps Mason can dispatch his private jet to fetch him too. And if the production happens to feature any amputees who need assistance with sleeve and/or pant leg rolling and pinning, they’re all set with that too.

  3. 1966tvbatman

    One: I work in the biz. I got a call from a production company once because I sent them free graphics for their movie. That touched them and they hired me. I didn’t shuffle posted web photos together and deal a hand and say “Is this your plot?”

    Two: Do we know who did the down-voting yesterday? I saw my post and thought “WTF” (especially since it was positively harmless) until I saw most everyone else got it too. Did HE make a rare appearance, or is it that guy that posted a couple years ago that was trolling us?

  4. spacemanspiff85

    Look at the comments for Saturday. The only one that got downvoted was me predicting John was getting a job offer.

  5. Epicus Doomus

    Maybe the SJ production needs someone with experience in supervising an otherwise unoccupied room and Boy Lisa just wasn’t up to the task.

  6. The interesting thing is that the guy on Comics Kingdom who predicted this would lead to a job offer referenced this forum….and the infamous Cease And Desist order. The idea is that the studio is being oddly generous in not suing John into a ball of dirt like they ‘should’.

  7. I think Batiuk is referencing that cease-and-desist order, in a way that’s not quite connected to reality. He’s saying “Stuck Funky said mean things and got punished. If only they’d said nice things! Then they would have got rewarded just like Skunkhead.” Because, um, yeah, real-world studios act just like his imaginary CME. Which I think will now let Skunkhead arrange the movie’s grand premiere at the revival theater in Centerville.

  8. sgtsaunders

    So now the studio wants to hire John back to a ball of dirt. Whatever works.

  9. Rusty

    They must have been blinded by John’s encyclopedic knowledge of the Starbuck Jones universe. What are the odds all the SJ experts live in Westview?

  10. Why does Hollywood need to keep going to this loser Ohio town for staff? It must be an even greater creative wasteland than Batiuk would like us to believe.

  11. “Yeah, Mr. Howard, we’ve got this loser of a screenwriter who takes forever to write a sentence, and we’re about to fire him and his no-talent storyboard friend. They just bitch and moan, all day long! Anyway, we figure anyone who hangs around in a comic book shop all day can probably write a movie script. So when can you start? Oh, and you don’t happen to know someone who’s an expert on Tarzan? We need one of those, too.”


    Whoah. Mason Jarr is giving Funky a a run for his money as the primary employer in Westview.

  13. Hitorque

    Been trying to tell you folks… The Westview Crony Mafia *ALWAYS* looks after their own, no matter how many established, successful, highly qualified script writers/storyboard artists/journalists/etc. already live in Los Angeles…

    At least I know now why the movie production continues to drag on and on — Batiuk is trying to concoct a 1% plausible plot twist that will involve the studio needing to hire Les…

  14. spacemanspiff85

    He just needs to kill off Pete. Then Les can finish the script and write a book about Pete dying.

  15. Miskatonic Sophomore

    Movie studio = “the motion picture company”
    General Motors = “the horseless carriage manufacturing company”
    Microsoft = “the ‘soft-ware’ for your home ‘difference engine’ company”
    Montoni’s = “the local Italian baked bread discs restaurant company”

  16. @billytheskink – Not taking any part of your bet because I think you’re right on target. When they get to post-production, Mason (or whatever he’s calling himself today) will say that Hans Zimmer and John Williams don’t have a feel for his action movie. For some unknown reason, he’ll ask DSH if he knows anyone who can score his movie properly. DSH should suggest using internet music from E. S. Posthumus, but he won’t and Lefty will get the job.

  17. Smirks 'R Us

    Absolutely loving BatHack’s not-so-subtle visit with the downvotes over the last few days. Whatever it is we are doing is clearly annoying him, but not nearly as much as he annoys us.

    @Billytheskink, got to give you credit for today’s post title. Love the Sly & the Family Stone reference.

  18. Jimmy

    Hi everyone! I tuned out for a while when the Bull arc began, and I come back to this! Batiuk really has his finger on the pulse of the entertainment industry.

  19. @spacemanspiff85 – Les’ book will be titled, “The Late Lord of the Late is Late One Last Time.”

  20. @Hitorque They’ll cast Les as the fiendish, smirking villain. It may be typecasting, but it *will* be the first sensible decision they’ve made.

  21. batgirl

    Placing my bet that CME will not hire Becky to do the score. It has to be Dinkle. Becky is just a girl and girls don’t understand the soul of comic books the way deaf and decrepit high-school band teachers do.

  22. Professor Fate

    When I read that they studio wanted to hire DSH my apt quote brain came up with this from MST3K “Yeah, they need a laughing stock.”
    I am somewhat curious to find out what bizarre and out of touch sort of job they are going to offer him. Not a lot but It will be interesting to see just how badly the Author misses reality.

  23. I’m going to bet he’ll be put in charge of publicity, so cutting the trailer will be his responsibility.

    So, based on the footage they have, it will be:

    ANNOUNCER: In a world
    (happy schoolchildren getting on a bus)
    where anything can happen;
    (school bus being attacked by aliens)
    In a world
    (shots of the graduation ceremony)
    where you expect the unexpected;
    (graduation ceremony of happy death)
    You might think (same words appear on screen as they are read, then screen black)
    It’ll end like this
    (shots of the Cliff Anger luncheon)
    But you just know (black screen)
    It’ll end like this.
    (Mason and Pete sitting around looking bored out of their skulls).
    Coming, Summer 2023, from CME

    This film has not yet been rated

  24. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Meanwhile, a giggling Owen and Cody, on break at the Westview Burger King, are high fiving each other over a successful phone prank on Skunkboy. Their next call to him will be from a Hollywood “real estate agent” sent by the studio to offer Skunky a super sweet deal on a beachfront house in Malibu.

    Johnny will be on a bus, halfway across the country, before it occurs to him that a “motion picture company” couldn’t have figured out his cell phone number from an Internet posting, and why on Earth would they hire him sight unseen anyway.

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