You Shall Not Passport

Seriously. I may be closer in age to Funky than to Dinkle, but no, Lefty: I’ve never had a passport. Never needed one. You know, not everyone goes jetting off to Iraquistan to adopt war orphans. Hey, what the hell ever happened to your daughter Rana anyway?

I may not have a passport, but you know what I do have? A driver’s license. And every four years I have to renew it; and unless there’s a long line, I manage to accomplish this in one visit, and usually without drawing sneering contempt from clerks and state troopers. I can’t imagine getting a passport is much more involved than that:  as long as one is able to produce a couple supporting documents and is prepared to fork over the fee, it certainly should not entail “a few months” worth of paperwork. But hey, readers love the “older people hate dealing with bureaucracy” trope, so let’s go back to that well one more time.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

21 responses to “You Shall Not Passport

  1. Epicus Doomus

    “Tom! The numbers are in on that driver’s license arc you did and they’re spectacular! BOTH regular readers LOVED IT!”

    “Oh boy! I have this passport application arc I’ve been noodling around with but I figured it was just too uninteresting to ever use…but this changes EVERYTHING!”

    Coming in May: Funky discovers that he can’t build a small fence around the Montoni’s recyclable bins without a permit. Nine weeks of hilarity ensue.

  2. count of tower grove

    Dinkle went to the library to get a passport application. Whatever happened to going to the post office? Oh right, it closed.

  3. spacemanspiff85

    I grabbed a passport application a while back, for the heck of it. From the post office. It was just one form. It wasn’t long. It may even have just been one page, now that I think of it.

  4. billytheskink

    Oh man, I hope Harriet has a passport. If she doesn’t, TB could milk this for two weeks.

  5. Epicus Doomus

    Everyone in FW complains about everything. “Oh man, what a bummer, I gotta get a passport/renew my DL/teach/write/bury my wife”…it’s incessant. Surely TomBan realizes there’s going to be some paperwork and documentation involved with traveling abroad, would he prefer it if The Government just handed a passport to every bizarre cackling imbecilic old band director who showed up at the airport babbling about stupidly-named candy bars? Of course he wouldn’t. Then again though, maybe he would.

  6. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Next week: Les invites Funky, Crazy, and Dead Skunk Head over to Taj MOORE Hal to watch the wood planks on the porch warp. Should be slightly more interesting than watching this dusty old windbag bitch about passport paperwork.

    Standing by my prediction that he’s being punked by at least one of the band kids. I guess Batyerch wants to have Dingo jump through a few more inconvenient hoops before breaking the news to him. The best thing about being punked by a band is they have a trombone artist who can play WAAAA WAAAA WAAAAAAA when they tell you what a sucker you are.

  7. Jimmy

    I’ll just say getting and renewing a passport is indeed a big pain in the ass, especially since they consolidated the usps posts where one can apply (inconvenient hours for the win). The next time I renew my passport, it’s going to be abroad, where they don’t treat you like a criminal for wanting a passport.

  8. Rusty Shackleford

    Ugh, Dinkleberry could have just downloaded the forms while he was using the school computers the other day.

    Oh, and I just renewed my passport. It took just over 2 weeks.

  9. Max Power

    It sure simplifies things to just have Dinklage talking to himself rather than wedge in Harriet to silently gawk for panel after panel.

  10. I had to renew my passport back in December. It required printing out a form (six pages including instructions), filling it out, getting two photos taken at the Walgreens (yes, they still require physical passport photos and yes, most Walgreens stores still make them in ten minutes or less), affixing documentation (in my case, my old passport; in the case of a new passport a certified copy of your birth certificate, easily obtained at the county clerk’s office for a nominal fee), writing a check and putting the thing in (certified) mail. Then you wait–the one thing that’s accurate about this strip is that if you don’t request (and pay extra for) expedited processing, it will take between one and three months for your passport to arrive. But the rest is really pretty easy. I suppose that if you were born in California and moved to Ahia you might have to call the clerk’s office in your county of birth, but (a) that’s not hard either, and (b) I think it’s pretty fair to say nobody would ever move TO Worstview, so we can assume Hairy Dangle’s birth certificate is at the local county office.

    I guess TomBat was giving us fair warning that he intends to milk this premise for at least three months’ worth of strips.

  11. Like Hannibal’s Lectern said above the passport process is not THAT complicate or expensive. Forms are online from the State Department. Longest wait was getting a certified copy of my birth certificate (also online). Made an appointment at a nearby Post Office where they took my picture and my check for fees and that was it. Had my passport back in about 3 weeks. Dinkle I suspect will not get his passport back in time for the trip and will whine about it for years.

  12. Gamera

    Tip of the Funky finger to T,Bats for making me look at Les in Crankshaft… just when I thought I had a day away from his insufferable face.


    I wonder if Harry Dinkle would pass “extreme vetting”?

  14. Meanwhile, it looks like this week’s Crankshaft is featuring pre-time jump Less on a “writer”s panel.

  15. The only way this could be a practical joke would be if the honor were to befall Funky. Tom Batiuk loves Dinkle far too much to ever have anything bad happen to him.
    Personally, I think it would be great if Dinkle got his passport, showed up at the hotel, but DIED IN AGONY before he could accept his award. Since he wasn’t in his own hotel room, it takes weeks before they can find his purulent corpse.

  16. Bobby Joe

    I did this last year and my biggest issue was getting a certified copy of my birth cetificate that was handled online. Took a few weeks to come.

    How did Harry get a passport and the application forms at the same time? You don’t get the passport until all the forms are submitted and approved.

  17. I should think that Funky’s self-inflicted travails hint strongly as to why it took Batiuk months to get a passport. The system works best if it’s not processing a flat-out moron like Batomic Comic Obsessive.

  18. Gerard Plourde

    @ Bobby Joe – You’re right. It appears that TB doesn’t know that the Passport is a secure and controlled document that is only issued after all of the documentation has been submitted to the State Department by an authorized authority. That authority isn’t limited to the post office either. In Pennsylvania, the Clerk of Courts is authorized to take applications, so the service is available in every county courthouse.

  19. Hitorque

    So let me get this straight… A man who well into his 70s has no problem sitting on his ass all day writing unpublished multi-volume tomes about obscure musicians even the hipsters don’t give a rat’s ass about is NOW shitting his pants over completing some basic forms??

  20. Batiuk SHOULD know what getting passport entails. I know he went to Kilimanjaro. Sheesh.

  21. Hitorque

    So which was the worst — Crazy Harry not understanding how predicative playlists work on ITunes, Funky’s license, Dinkle’s passport or that whiny douchebag with PTSD and the curvy redhead wife who bitched and moaned for a solid month about needing one of those newfangled cum-pyuu-torrz to register for some useless class at the local JuCo?