Both Mason Jarre and Cliff Anger have separately asked me to find a minister for just after the premiere.” If you’re gonna “tell, not show,” Mr. Batiuk, couldn’t you at least do it using less unwieldy sentences? So assuming that Mason and Cliff don’t intend to marry each other, each man holds matrimony in enough esteem to require a minister to perform the ceremony. But neither man has a problem with delegating the task of finding a clergyman to Pete. Guess this falls under Pete’s “advance work” duties. But that’s not the gag here, folks: the gag is that John is shitting eggrolls over the news that the film’s male leads have (separately!) decided to wed their betrothed after the premiere.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky


  1. Epicus Doomus

    “Hey Epicus, some people I know are planning a double wedding and they really need a minister.”

    “No problem, I’ll head on over to the local comic book store and see what I can muster up.”

    1. Why is Pete tasked with finding the minister? Doesn’t he already have quite enough on his plate?
    2. Why is John so excited? Does he even know anyone involved?
    3. Who’s going to hear John anyway? The (chortle) other customers?
    4. Is anyone, anyone at all, actually excited about the movie itself? Secret messages, decoder rings, the stupid Valentine, dumb weddings…yet no one seems especially jazzed about the film. Stupid Funkyverse.

  2. SpacemanSpiff85

    If this was Act II, I’d say we’d have a “tragic” death right before the wedding (maybe even in the darkened Valentine, during the premiere), to look forward to, either Cliff, Vera, or if we’re real lucky, Mason. (I can totally see Batiuk spending a week or two of Cindy gleefully rambling on about how lucky she is to find a man like Mason, and then after he dies, a Sunday strip about how she knows she never deserved him, since she wouldn’t go out with Les back in high school).
    But since this is now the era of this strip where nothing at all happens, I’d say we’ll just get a lame sideways comic cover, with Cliff/Mason dressed as Starbuck asking Vera/Cindy for “permission to come aboard” on their wedding night.


      “But where are the profits???!!!”

      Sorry. Your flow chart reminded me of the terrible company boardroom meetings I used to have!

  3. spacemanspiff85

    It seemed kind of weird to me that both Cliff and Mason would ask Pete, of all people to find a minister for them. But when you take into account the fact that Pete just met Mindy, I can totally see Batiuk deciding to make this a triple Starbuck wedding.

  4. Gerard Plourde

    He does realize that in addition to a minister they need to get marriage licenses, right? And that since none of them are Ohio residents, they have to get the license from the Probate Court in the county where the ceremony is taking place. Also, that both parties have to be present at the time the application is being made.

    I guess the reception is going to be held at the after party, so the studio is going to be picking up the tab again.

    • Don

      …and high school football players in Ohio have to wear proper helmets and shoulder pads – you can’t just have the mascot run onto the field and score the winning touchdown.
      You’re confusing reality with the Batiuk-ality.

      • Hitorque

        Since chullo kid wasn’t even on the team, he was also an ineligible player… And the game should have been automatically forfeit regardless of his uniform…

        But if I want fairy tales like this, I’ll just go watch “Lucas” (where Batiuk obviously got his inspiration from) for the millionth time.

  5. erdmann

    Dead Skunk Head John yelled with such force Dopey Pete’s head is now twisted sideways like that of Mr. Bribery in “Dick Tracy.”

    So, what are the odds the grooms and their best men (Pete and Dillwad, naturally) will dress in official Starbuck Jones™ space patrol uniforms for the ceremony?

  6. Charles

    I hope that Cindy, when Mason proposes a double wedding that’s Starbuck themed, which would mean that Cindy’s been married twice but never had a day where she was “the bride”, she slaps him silly over how stupid this is.

    I recognize that hoping for pretty much anything with regards to this comic is a lost cause.

  7. Don’t jinx things by saying that nothing can top the cringe-inducing Bat-wedding of Bat-Les and Lisa, the Tumor-ridden Wonder. He might decide to come up with an even more impressive(ly stupid and tasteless) wedding.

  8. Smirks 'R Us

    Can’t have it both ways BatHack. Is Pete a local or is he a NY/LA guy? Just horrendously stupid.

  9. bobanero

    I predict a special appearance from Phil Holt as best man.

  10. louder

    Amazing how Cliffy has gone from a cameo role to co-star; in another week he’ll be the headliner.

  11. And Batiuk will be Cory in on this because FUNKY WINKERBEAN. Unless, of course, Batiuk has forgotten Cory exists.

  12. Hitorque

    1. What red blooded American woman would ever share her wedding day with another person?? And don’t the women usually plan these things? Yeah, I saw comic cosplay was all the rage in last month’s “Modern Bride” magazine…

    2. Aren’t Cindy and what’s her name a bit too old for big church white dress Godfather-style bash? What happened to the Justice of the Peace??

    3. So what’s the bigger steaming pile of shameless Batuikian bullshit? Masone and Cliffe telling the “script doctor” to find a non-denominational priest instead of one of their assistant gofers? OR Is it fuckboy Pete running off to seek help from the one person (aside from Les and Cindy) guaranteed to tell the whole fuckin’ world??