All the King’s Horsesh!t

Link to today’s strip.

I’d like to think that scream of terror in the last panel is someone snapping from the sheer disregard of continuity.  “This theater” was responsible for none of what you claim for it, Mason.  You, Pete and Cindy were the ones who brought Cliff out of his self-imposed hermitage.  Vera just happened to show up at the Silver Grille.  (I guess she had one of those decoder rings before she was engaged with one.)  And I know it galls you to admit it, but you met Cindy because of Les Moore.

Once again, Tom Batiuk seems to be making it up as he goes along, disregarding his own history while he expects his readers to have an encyclopedic knowledge of every minor character who appeared for a panel or two.   It’s amazing how those two contradictions don’t collide and annihilate the whole strip.

Speaking of a panel or two, it’s sure unfortunate that Cindy had to run off between panels one and two.  Because I don’t know who the Hell that’s supposed to be in the second panel; it looks very little like Cindy.  I mean, she’s not even wearing the same dress.  I guess, maybe Cindy tripped and looked foolish doing so, so the people in charge said, “Quick, we need a hot blonde who doesn’t look anything at all like she’s fifty years old!”

Either that, or the new artist is definitely getting Funkyfied–“Hey, whatever fills the panel, man.”   Gotta wonder if, when he told his fellow artists that he’d landed the Funky Winkerbean gig, there was this long, uncomfortable silence, followed by expressions of sympathy, pity, and many hands on the shoulder with the words, “We’re there for you, man,” and “You’ll get through this.”


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

23 responses to “All the King’s Horsesh!t

  1. Epicus Doomus

    BC is of course correct, none of this ever actually happened. Les was responsible for bringing Mason and Cindy together and Mason and Pete dredged Vera up from wherever she was hiding for sixty years, that stinky old movie house had nothing to do with it. Why he’s pretending otherwise is just another bizarre FW mystery, like how Cindy has suddenly been recast.

    And why is everyone roaring with glee over the prospect of hanging around that smelly old movie house to watch a stupid gimmick wedding? I’d be groaning with disgust and making sure I had an aisle seat to avoid the inevitable stampede that will surely occur as soon as the credits begin to roll.

    BC: It’s another inexplicable Bantom paradox. It’s a serialized strip featuring dozens of characters with elaborate intertwining back stories, all of which are routinely ignored. I don’t understand how it continues to exist either, everything I know strongly indicates that this shouldn’t be happening…yet it is.

  2. YAAAAAAA!!“? Is this a “long A” sound like “YAYYY”? Or an cry of surprise or anguish like “YAHHHHH”? Impossible to know, since the third panel is an exterior view of the marquee. Are the Starbuck fans in attendance expressing joy at the prospect of the Coming Double Starbuck Wedding? Or are the very bricks and mortar of the theater itself screaming at having to contain such vast idiocy?

    • I’m wondering if maybe the Zeton Warriors are attacking from the sequel, and the audience is screaming in horror as they’re turned into puddles of space goo, and the assistant director is filming it so he can add that to the sizzle reel for the reboot?

    • Saturnino

      I believe it’s a Long “A” sound.

      There wasn’t enough room in the panel, so they left out the part about a free stomach pump for everybody.

    • Comic Book Harriet

      Worst opening stinger to a CSI Miami episode ever.

  3. count of tower grove

    Tiny Tim and Miss Vicki this ain’t.

  4. billytheskink

    Unlike TB, I had only almost forgotten that the first time that Masone and The Valentine crossed paths was when he flew himself, Cindy, Durwood, and Pete from LA for the sole purpose of watching a Starbuck Jones serial. I’m not sure it is possible to oversell how absurd that was, even given everything that has happened since.

  5. count of tower grove

    Two days since Less was last seen.

  6. louder

    Don’t worry, Less will be the minister at the wedding…

  7. Epicus Doomus

    @TFHackett: I found the missing Y to be confusing too. It’s more like a scream of terror than a cheer.

  8. Hitorque

    Who the hell is sticking around for that shit? Cindy is the only one there anybody knows, and I’m not even sure much of the audience likes her, either… If there was some free booze, high-end buffet, and maybe some music and dancing I might be persuaded to stay…

    What I hate the most is Batiuk, having started down this road won’t take it to the most tasteless conclusion, which is both couples getting into costume/character and they have a proper SJ themed wedding with a real SJ set built on stage…

    So we can sort of see the 2022 endgame on the horizon, can’t we? I’m betting one of the major plot lines will be 56-year-old Cindy getting preggo and Masone decides to leave decadent Hollywood behind to settle down in some small, shitty burg in Ahia with good pizza… That story by itself can eat up 3 years for Batiuk…

  9. Meanwhile, the terrible writer coughing up this ordure and hacking it up onto the page disregards our complaints about blithely contradicting himself by smugly stating that it’s called writing. It’s called BAD writing, Tommy Boy and it’s why you never made the Marvel Bullpen.

  10. Chyron HR

    “And you’re all welcome, after the premiere, to stick around for a CSI: New York marathon.”

  11. Smirks 'R Us

    King Features: “Well Tom, congratulations, you have officially made this strip as bad as it could possibly be. The dangling storylines, revision of written character history, the incomprehensibly bad artwork. There is simply no way to make this strip any worse.”

    BatHack: “Hold my beer.”

  12. sgtsaunders

    That yaa! is not roaring with glee, it’s Les wailing from being overloaded with the shred of happiness present in the theater offering up a double wedding. “YAAAA!”, screams Les, “I’m melting, MELTING!”

  13. Cindy is doing a “Benjamin Button.” She keeps getting younger and younger every day.

  14. bobanero

    Well, this is pretty much exactly the way I expected the “Starbuck Jones World Premier at the Valentine” arc to play out. A little fluff, a lot of retconning, some non-jokes, a double wedding with a captive audience, and not a single glimpse of the actual movie.

  15. Hitorque

    “So how did the happy couple meet?”

    “Well, the bride had just turned 52 at the time and after being let go from her job was facing an existential crisis about her long media career and even longer time in the spotlight as one of the “superficial beautiful people”… So while eavesdropping on friends one day she learned that Masone Jarre was secretly in town reading goddamned comic books after putting the SJ movie production on hold for the 20th time — So Cindy was so desperate for some man to find her still attractive she put on her best “fuck me” dress and set up an “interview” with Masone which was nothing more than a thinly veiled romantic date at Montoni’s with the intention of completely throwing herself at him like a shameless teenage starfucking groupie… And when the night was over, in defiance of all logic Masone took an infatuation with her (probably because she reminds Masone of his mother) and that was all the opening she needed to get her hooks into him for good! So what started out as an ego-boosting one-night-stand turned into a winning lottery ticket!”

  16. Professor Fate

    I like to think that Yaaaaaa!!! is a cry of agony from one of the staff after managing to spill the hot movie ‘popcorn butter flavor’ liquid all over themselves. I can’t help it, it’s the romantic in me.


    I don’t know a lot about the current Hollywood social scene, but I am pretty sure having a double wedding is looked upon as being cheap and absolutely fucking lame by the society pages and tabloids. Add that to having the premier of a major movie in this small ass theater in the middle of nowhere…yeah I’m pretty sure you’ll be savaged in Vanity Fair and Access Hollywood.

    • bobanero

      I’m pretty sure the “YAAAAAAA” is the scream of Masone’s publicist as he watches his career go down in flames.

  18. Charles

    Batiuk manages to conjure up an elaborate backstory about a comic book company’s operations from 60-70 years ago, to flesh out an extremely minor part of his strip, but he has done nothing about his now-main character’s background beyond “oh yeah, he was in some movies I guess”.

    Seriously, this just shows that Mason (and by extension Cindy) has no friends. He has no family. He doesn’t even have handlers even though he’s supposed to be a famous actor with a serious mental illness. He doesn’t have an agent and he doesn’t have a manager. He’s just a massive nothing, and it apparently never occurred to Batiuk that he should have a history if not a fully fleshed out backstory. He has his wedding and rather than make it a huge event, he piggy-backs it onto another event, on a whim, which was already piggy-backed onto someone else’s wedding. And of his guests, they’re all randoms from a town he didn’t even know existed a couple years ago, and most of them he doesn’t know at all. Apparently fucking Owen, Cody and Alex, and hell, his fiancee’s ex-husband, were more important wedding guests for him than anyone in his family.

    And I’m sure no one in this audience hears about this and just thinks “I just wanted to see the fucking movie, asshole.”