Schizo-snoozo-phasia.

Comic Book Harriet here, wanting to say it’s been an awesome week to cut my teeth on guest writing. Thanks for all the laughs and comments. I toss the reins into the very capable Beckoning Chasm, whose vast echoey goodness will see us through whatever hijinks are to come.

But before that. I have to make sense of…of…whatever this strip means.

Guys. I think Becky has kind of lost it. I mean Band Turkeys was always kind of a wacky idea. But it made a certain amount of sense. Most people eat eat, and thus buy, turkeys around the holidays. If a school has a tradition of selling Band Turkeys as a fundraiser, then people will anticipate it and buy their turkeys from the band. They were going to have to buy a turkey after all… and now they won’t have to feel guilty for turning down horrible dextrose based band sweets that have to have every word spelled wrong for legal reasons. I’ll take a marginal mark-up on a frozen brick of bird meat over something called Chocklatey Kandy Shugar Knuggets.

But mattresses? Why? I mean, the shipping alone has to be a fortune! And people don’t use a mattress up every year. I spent 20 years sleeping on a mattress as old as my parents… Are these disposable holiday mattresses for people who shopped and ate too much? Will they be burned on New Year’s even in a huge toxic bonfire of latex foam and polyfill? I can see the teetering mountain of blackened rusting springs looming over the Westview landfill for years.

What I’m saying is that a good use for those mattresses would be to build a padded cell for Becky. Heck it looks like you could build an entire padded maze. That would keep her occupied for days. Long enough to get a judge to sign papers to have her committed.

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23 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

23 responses to “Schizo-snoozo-phasia.

  1. billytheskink

    Dinkle retired? Could have fooled me. And when did he start dressing like Jackie Stewart?

    “Sam ‘N Ellas”
    Ha ha, I loved that joke when I saw it on Animaniacs 25 years ago.

  2. erdmann

    At least they’re not “Lisa” mattresses.

  3. Epicus Doomus

    “Retired just in time”? Are you f*cking kidding me? And who is he trying to bullshit here? Selling band turkeys was HIS idea, an idea he enthusiastically endorsed, year after interminable year. He dreaded nothing. All this retconning is really getting on my nerves lately, either embrace the past or forget about it but stop with the gutless revisionist nonsense already.

    If some high school kids showed up at my front door lugging a mattress my first impulse would be to reach for the cattle prod. Based on everything we know about Becky, she probably wouldn’t do something this stupid, although I can’t say so with overwhelming confidence as she really doesn’t appear in the strip enough for me to formulate a truly solid opinion on her one arm or the other. Did I say arm? I meant way.

    • comicbookharriet

      The worst thing is the retconning of personalities. Everyone sounds the same, everyone acts the same, everyone wanders around with the same wry grin making the same smug yet grim observations. I miss crazy Dinkle. Now he’s just Old Les. Everyone is Les. And the strip is Less interesting because of it.

  4. Spacemanspiff85

    I actually have seen schools near me sell mattresses as a fundraiser, which seems honestly insane to me. I have a feeling Batiuk’s seen it too, which makes this even less funny, since he’s just copying something that actually happens in real life, without making any kind of joke.

    • comicbookharriet

      Accidentally hit the down-vote and it won’t let me take it back! Sorry. Thanks for letting us know that someone out there in the real world is dumb enough to do mattress fundraisers.

  5. The only reason they ever sold band candy like normal people was to set up that stupid trip to Belgium. The rest of the time, it’s “let’s sell people something they don’t need because we’re too stupid to understand how people think so we can turn around and whine about how picky people are saying that they don’t want to buy a turkey that’s been carted around door to door by a kid any more than they want to buy a new mattress that might be stolen.”

  6. Rusty Shackleford

    Band mattresses, ha ha ha. But hey, Batty has a one armed lady in his strip…so, see, he does. What have you ever done?

    I was really expecting a sideways cover this morning.

  7. Sonofa- she’s got the sleeve of her freakin hoodie pinned up. I had to look real close, but yep. Would have loved to been there when the artist was told he had to draw that into at least one panel.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      He’s gotta virtue signal and show that stupid sleeve. Brethed honestly featured a handicapped character in Bloom County, but Batty’s efforts just reek of cheapness and laziness.

  8. I would think that mattresses would be better than what they sold last year (if I recall)–Dinkle’s memoirs. At least mattresses, candy and turkeys have a use.

    • comicbookharriet

      Dinkle’s memoirs warmed my heart, my ass, and my toes, and made me jiffy pop. High quality kindling is very useful in the winter! All the candy did was give me diabetes.

  9. Ray

    Oddly enough, and it was the dammedest thing…our family was shopping for a new mattress for the lady who is my mother-in-law.
    I did my due diligence and went to all the common places one would think for a mattress. When I presented my findings, my sister-in-law pipes up that the school band was having a mattress drive and presented me with the flyer.
    The prices were comparable, so to throw some business the schools way, we bought from the band.
    The school in question was Copley High School, and as that is in TomBats neck of the woods, perhaps he had been solicited for a sale and hence the impetus for this strip?

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      I’ll bet you were hoping to buy a nice pine “mattress” for her to take a nice long dirt nap in, right?? Har…

    • They didn’t do what Pinned Sleeve Of Virtue Showing Woman is going to do and sell them door to door, I bet.

    • Gerard Plourde

      Ray,

      Interesting information. It would probably fuel his sense of superiority to be able to point out Copley to anyone who never heard of this so he could say, “See I know more than you.”

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      This isn’t from The Onion is it?? This is still an absurd idea, and a huuuuge pain in the ass compared to selling something everyone wants and will buy — like candy.

      And of course BatWit had to take it to a bizarre level by stockpiling an inventory of mattresses in the gym.

      Yeah, I can almost see having a mattress dealer set up shop in a school with demos. But how many people in the greater East Bumfuck, Ohio area happen to need a new mattress right now?

      I’d love to know how much anyone has ever raised with this idea.

      Next year: The will sell band roofs. Entire gym will be filled with shingles and roofing supplies. And leftover mattresses.

  10. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Yeah, yeah, we get it. BatHack is trying to make a heeeelariously absurd joke here. But it falls flat because even in the funny papers, something has to make SOME sense at SOME level.

    It makes no sense to sell something that people only buy once every, oh I don’t know, 15 or 20 years??

    It makes no sense to sell something that’s a personal choice, that people like to pick out, not buy blindly.

    It makes no sense to sell something this expensive.

    It makes no sense to sell ANY fundraiser by buying in advance, rather than take orders and deliver later.

    It makes no sense to turn the gym into a warehouse. (Even though we know at this school, in Batty’s pointy little bald head, BAND rules, and athletics come in second.)

    It makes no sense to sell something that would cost a lot of money to deliver, assuming anyone even bought one.

    We completely get it that the band fund raiser is supposed to be oppressive. But this is way too stupid to be funny.

    • comicbookharriet

      No, see as people have commented, it’s not too stupid to be funny because it’s REAL. Mattress fundraisers are real. It’s not supposed to be funny whimsy…it’s supposed to be real. That’s the most baffling thing about the strip. Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest and instead my brain is in overtime trying to process this. It’s real guys…. what else is REAL if THIS IS REAL?!?!?!

  11. Don

    From the looks of it, I guess that, while nobody was looking, Westview did cut its girls’ basketball program – and boys’ as well. Either that, or they practice outdoors and play a lot of away games early in the season.

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      Without Saint Summer, there was no point in having a team anymore. Even when she was still there, the team refused to play a playoff game without her when she got hurt in the middle of a game. (And when the other team refused to accept the forfeit, I knew Batty was an imbecile.)

  12. The Dreamer

    Harry still has ‘leftover’ turkeys in the freezer? How many years ago did he retire? Those turkeys would be smelling up badly by now!