Fourplay/Long Time (Ago)

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And when the QB called for a play requiring an empty backfield, the players all ran toward the unused “back field” behind the cafeteria. Did you ever notice how “quarterback” and “cornerback” sound sort of similar? That sure is confusing. And did you ever notice those commercials they play during the Super Bowl? They sure are something. Why, sometimes they’re even more entertaining than the game!

It’d be so refreshing if Bull just punched Buck in the mouth and told him to get the f*ck out of his house. Unfortunately, though, it’s a 100% certainty that he’ll continue to meekly sit there and take it as Buck craps all over his rapidly-fading high school memories because Westviewians don’t get mad, they get wry. In fact, that inbred wryness probably explains why the Scapegoats were always so shitty. Well, that and Bull’s awful coaching.

Here’s where I’m obliged to point out that these “remember when?” retconned memories wouldn’t be necessary if BatWrite hadn’t ruined the Bull character for no discernible reason. Just like with Dinkle and his band gags, Bull could have done football jokes into infinity if only Batom had refrained from giving him a degenerative brain disorder, a disorder that apparently hasn’t even visibly manifested itself yet. Just like with Dinkle’s hearing loss (and Morty’s dementia and Lisa’s death), Bull doesn’t seem any different or worse for wear yet, leaving the reader to wonder why BatBore even bothered with that dopey half-assed CTE arc in the first place. Instead of just doing six football gags, he has to do six gags about old football gags he used to do, which explains why 99.999% of the population has no idea what “Funky Winkerbean” even means.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

13 responses to “Fourplay/Long Time (Ago)

  1. To the tune of “Lyin Eyes” by the Eagles:

    Coaches’ wives, they seem to find out early
    That “early’s” how their husbands go senile
    Her old man Bull, once so big and burly
    Now is feeble, and as helpless as a child

    Every night, Buck Bedlow comes a’ callin’,
    Back in high school days, Bull was his nemesis,
    The two old sportos watch some college ball, an’
    Scapegoat highlight films on VHS

    So she tells the boys to hang out in the basement,
    Then trades that purple sweater for a dress
    Bull don’t know what that smile on Linda’s face meant:
    She is headin’ for the loving arms of Les

    You can’t hide your Linda Lies
    And you smile over Bull’s demise
    Thought by now you’d realize
    There ain’t no way to hide your Linda Lies

    • Doc

      Oops, I read it too quickly at the end…I thought it said:

      There ain’t no way to hide you’re riding Les


  2. Nice Boston reference! And the reason that Batiuk did the CTE story was the same reason he did the Dinkle deafness and the Morty dementia…those sweet, sweet awards. It seems to be the only reason he does anything these days. Besides, isn’t there an award if you churn this stuff out for fifty years, even it’s just undercooked garbage?

    • Epicus Doomus

      These aren’t even bad football gags, they’re bad football gags ABOUT bad football gags. Buck, who just joined the cast a few years ago, is referencing a long-buried running gag from all the way back in Act I. The levels of disconnect here just boggle the mind.

  3. billytheskink

    Buck is remembering the minute details of a 40+ year old high school football team that he wasn’t even on and only played against 3-4 times. I don’t think this is how CTE works.

    This is also not how football works, if you need backs you move players to back… but why would anyone expect TB to remember such simple details about the most popular sport in the country?

    • Epicus Doomus

      It’s almost as plausible as Buck suddenly fondly remembering and looking up some kid his vastly superior high school football team shoved around for a few hours three or four times thirty-five years ago. There was no real reason why Buck couldn’t have been an old WHS teammate but that’s just not the way Tom does things. Instead he decided to make Buck an old gridiron foe who grew to respect Bull after doing battle with him on the field of play, an image he’s destroying right now with Buck’s inexplicable snide mockery.

      • Charles

        There was no real reason why Buck couldn’t have been an old WHS teammate

        Actually, since the earliest Buck stories detailed stuff like Bull telegraphing his runs and how Westview actually won one of the games against Buck’s school, in those it really needed to be an opponent. A teammate would have spoken up about these things while they were happening, not forty five years later or whatever the hell it is.

        What’s weird is how the first Buck stories were about how Bull wasn’t as big a loser as he thought he was, but now Buck’s stories are about how Bull was an even bigger loser than he thought he was.

        What’s weird here (although not for Westview where no one except Les and his kin can take pride in their accomplishments) is that Bull could simply respond that he played for Ohio State and got a try-out for an NFL team, which was derailed not by his lack of ability but by an injury, (yeah, sure) while Buck’s sitting around like an asshole still wearing his high school letterman jacket.

  4. Jimmy

    Actually, all offenses are technically four-back offenses. For years, teams have been required to have seven on the line and four in the backfield. The wishbone and triple option are predicated on four backs, and the full house backfield is a QB with three runners behind him. So does the Power I.

  5. The Nelson Puppet

    The appearance of the late Bob Denver on the masthead tells me we’re in for more komix hijinks! FUN.

  6. Paul Jones

    Batiuk: “I like to talk smack about football but I have no idea how the game is played.”

    Readership: “Who knew?”

  7. Rusty

    Batiuk is an old guy who wants to write about old guy things. And jog around a high school track for the rest of his life, chasing fictional memories.

  8. Over at his blog, Batiuk is bragging about his 80’s musical. Check this passage out, talking about one of the lines in the play: “Whether due to poor writing, which I discount, or the performers’ inability to really sell the line, which I favor, it never ever ever and I mean ever got a laugh”

    Boy does that man have an ego that won’t quit.

    And here’s a real gem: “Andy and I attended any number of world premieres”. Uh, no, genius, there’s only one world premier. That’s what makes it a “world” premier.

  9. Carrie Kube

    Is it just me or does it seem like Batiuk is fueled by pure ego and mean-spiritedness?