Dos de Mayo

This week has been has consisted of nothing but these two poorly drawn, hipster jerkoffs disrespecting Les and his cancer saga. Les and Mason meekly just sit there and take it, and in the process demonstrate that the Clone Brothers are absolutely correct that nobody needs this kind of “entertainment,” especially right now. Way to “pitch,” fellas. Tom Batiuk and the formerly capable, now indifferent draughtsman Chuck Ayers somehow get paid for dragging this crap out, but I do not…I’ve spent all the disdain I can muster for this horrible week of strips. Hopefully Sunday will be a one-off that will be worth getting into a froth about. In the meantime, dear readers, please have at it. Thank you for reading and commenting and for sharing the pain.

42 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

42 responses to “Dos de Mayo

  1. Epicus Doomus

    I feel the same way, TFH. What else can you even say at this point? We all know what he’s trying to do here, we all know why it’s a steaming pile of shit and today’s installment is just adding a few flies to the cow pie. I’m still sort of surprised by how incredibly ham-fisted it is, though, as I didn’t think he had this degree of self-aware lack of self-awareness anymore.

  2. William Thompson

    No, oh Gods no! Les is going to tell them he’s just finished writing “Bull’s Song!” He just happens to have a copy in his pocket! And it proves that Bull was murdered! How can the Unsuitables resist? They’ll laugh, they’ll cry, they’ll kiss their self-respect good-bye.

  3. William Thompson

    Les nods. “I wrote a book about John Darling.”

    Unsuitable: “Tell me more cutie.”

    • Doghouse Reilly (Philadelphia)

      Please, his full legal name now is “The Late John Darling, Who Was Murdered.”

    • Hitorque

      So to recap the last week, both Frick and Frack loved the Lisa book and believe a movie adaptation would do well at the box office and that’s BEFORE you get Jake Gyllenhaal to play Les and Emma Stone to play Lisa…

      The ONLY problems they got are it won’t be successful in goddamned Communist China of all places and they can’t stack on a couple of sequels, since every romantic tear jerker drama has sequels in the Funkyverse… So I’m still not seeing the conflict here besides a colossal tag-team battle of douchebaggery…

  4. Doghouse Reilly (Philadelphia)

    “With Lisa dying at the end of the movie, it kind of rules out a sequel.”

    “Well, there was some other woman who wasn’t Dead St. Lisa whom I met on the bleachers, and we wound up going to some ceremony and then she moved into my house and we were raising our daughters together and I promised her that someday I’d take her on a vacation to–of all places–China. But yeah, you’re right, Lisa can’t physically appear in that story, so I guess there’s no point in pursuing it. Instead, let me pitch you a wacky comedy about some guys who run a comic book store above a pizzeria…”

    Apropos of nothing, but do the Mixmaster Bros know there there was a sequel to the 1970 hit “Love Story,” which (SPOILER!) featured Ali MacGraw dying at the end? It was called “Oliver’s Story,” from 1979, and found returning star Ryan O’Neal starting a new romance with Candice Bergen. And no, MacGraw’s character didn’t show up as a ghost.

    • justifiable

      And “Titanic” sank, which pretty much ruled out a sequel, too – yet some cockamamie little studio named Paramount took a crazy chance on making a film about it. Go figure.

      Fuckity, but Less/Todd’s really scraping the barrel bottom to justify why no one wants to get near the stank of his cancerdumpster fire. No one’s interested, Todd. Go home. Stay there.

      • William Thompson

        Or, maybe the plan is to make a Bull Bushka movie, have it become a raging success, and use the clout that gives Les to make the Dead Fucking Lisa movie.

        • justifiable

          Dead St. Lisa’s Cancer Story is the Literal Holy Grail. Thou shalt create no other relics before it.

  5. louder

    In my imagination, this conversation is taking place at the Delfino Studios. Why? Because Delfino Studios in Sylmar, CA, on a very ugly stretch of the 210, and every time I drive past, it just seems like a barren, godforsaken place. It’s a good place for this barren, godforsaken piece of junk we’ve suffered through this week.

  6. Christopher Robin

    Oh my Glob. Really? Really?!?

    We can’t even parody this shit. Like, honestly, when we were making jokes yesterday about how these… movie-making whatever-their-jobs-are scheduled a meeting just so they could tell the Blunder Twins that they don’t want to make their movie, we didn’t think the strip was really going to DO IT!

    And then… and then… I mean… is there any, I mean any, more profound miscomprehension possible of how Hollywood works than to believe that executives who don’t like someone’s first idea would actively solicit a second?

    So this entire week literally accomplished nothing — not even jokes, aside from a couple of punny names — nothing at all which couldn’t be covered with a single word balloon over the phone: “Hey, I pitched the book to some producers, they didn’t like it. I’ll keep trying, let you know what happens.”

    This, to put it simply, is some deep, deep dumb-ass bullshit right here.

    • I find it plausible that studio executives might conclude that this particular idea is no good for them, but the person who had this idea may have others that are usable.

      It fails in this particular, because it turns out Les Moore doesn’t have any other ideas, about anything including “what should I have for dinner” [1], ever. And he’s unbearable as a scriptwriter. But the studio executives wouldn’t know that yet.

      [1] I assume the answer is “hot dogs sliced into Batmans like Lisa did”.

      • Christopher Robin

        There are some gaps in my overall FunkyLore knowledge, but seem to recall that he was completely unable to write more than a single placeholder sentence until someoneliterally came and suggested he should try writing some more about his dead wife.

        But at least he has Replacement Wife to take care of dinner.

        • Well, yeah. We the readers know that where other people have a personality, Les Moore has a large box that says “LISA” and a smaller box that says “sneer at the students for not already knowing what you were supposed to teach them”.

          But the studio people have only just met Les and can’t know that. They would suppose that he was a person of many interests and could perhaps spot many real-life incidents that could turn into interesting stories. They can’t find out how hilariously wrong they are until they have a conversation with him, which he’s been careful not to give him.

    • Hitorque

      Wait until Monday when Les plays his ace card by invoking the “kill fee”

      • William Thompson

        “How much will you pay us to kill you? We’re not professional hit men, but we do believe in ‘earn while you learn.'”

  7. Christopher Robin

    Oh, and hey Less: “Pretty much”?

    You already wrote a fucking sequel.

    • billytheskink

      100% correct, Les wrote both a prequel and a sequel, the latter about the beginnings of his relationship with Cayla. And it is literally subtitled “Lisa’s Story Concludes”.

      Cayla is on the cover a real and a fictional book that is subtitled “Lisa’s Story Concludes”… I feel strongly that it is a public service to bring up this fact every time Lisa’s Les’ precious story is brought up.

      • Christopher Robin

        Our Hero Everyone: the man who thought it would be a nice, romantic getaway to take his second wife to see the printing of the book he wrote about how he thinks of her as the epilogue to his dead first wife’s story.

        • Rusty Shackleford

          Poor Les, having to sit there listening to insults that he would normally be dishing out to his students.

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        Not only that, that says “BY TOM BATIUK.” Look at the letters, that’s clearly a T at the beginning, a K at the end, and resembles Batiuk’s signature. The third panel dialogue should have just been “Available now at local retailers! Get your copy today!” What a whore.

      • Christopher Robin

        “I’m at a loss for words, Darin!”
        “That’s fine, I was at a loss for design.”

    • justifiable

      Get out of here with your perfect memory and inconvenient grasp of reality!

  8. Gerard Plourde

    Since TomBa seems to have moved into the realm of fantasy wish fulfillment in other areas of the strip, maybe this is a set up in which Mason produces and stars in the film which is made by a small Ohio based indy company where Jessica “my father John Darling was murdered” Fairgood is the cinematographer. Cast members can be theater majors from Kent State. Pete and Darren can be hired to do storyboards in their spare time. They can have the world premiere at the Valentine again.

    Alternatively, I think that the possibility of a John Darling movie would fit right in too.

    • justifiable

      I swear to Christ that if this whole thing was dreamed up by an autistic kid who has Worstview in a snowglobe and whose dad looks like Less and works construction, that I will fucking lose it and head to Ahia with handcuffs, 5 packages of balloons, a bicycle pump and a shovel.

  9. Hitorque

    “HURR DURRR — LEES-UH DYES SO YOU NO CAN MAKE SEEKWEL!!111”

    I refuse to believe these are legit Hollywood players if their imagination is this stunted…

    Look, assholes — Everybody and their grandma knew *exactly* how “Titanic” and “A Perfect Storm” were going to end, and were they box office failures despite not having sequels??

    If there is ever a time for Masone to remember his clout, grow a ballsack and say “Listen up fuckos!! You assclowns need me a hell of a lot more than I need you in this! Y’all think you big money players? My fuckin’ garage is bigger than your shitty little two story strip mall office building that looks like it was previously a travel agency or Pilates gym!” and then slam the door behind him, it’s now…

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Well Batty’s point is that it is all about greed in Hollywoo.

      I can see him holding his hands over his ears and shouting as Ayers reads your comment.

  10. Hitorque

    The fact that out of all the mid-level mediocre players in Hollywood Masone could have gone to, he chooses these hipster mooks and then doesn’t take control of the meeting, freely allowing Frick and Frack to humiliate him and his best bro for a solid week…

    Doesn’t Masone have any *friends* in L.A. for all his newfound clout, instead of dealing with total strangers?

    And I hate to say it, but why not send in Cindye? She at least knows how to be fuckin’ professional, has years of experience selling and negotiating, and has no problem asserting herself… It’s a good thing Masone has movie star looks, because he truly is a dickless wonder

    • justifiable

      So much for all those myriad doors that Masonne’s vaunted celebrity had opened for him so that he could now act in a role with “substance.” Of course, Todd rolled that humblebrag back a few months later with the delusional “boohoo I’m so typecast but I still want to try” idiocy.

      “Storyteller” Todd can’t decide if Masonne is a box-office-owning, action-hero celebrity with enough juice to get a film made, or a veteran pitchmaster with all the clout of a used car salesman who routinely has to cool his heels in outer offices before getting dismissively shot down by the China Boys – in a meeting they’d never take in real life.

      I don’t know what the righteous fuck Todd think’s he’s doing here, but it sure as shit isn’t called “writing.”

      • William Thompson

        Mason Jarre has so far appeared in one major production. How many overnight-sensation stars have enough influence to get a vanity film produced? Wouldn’t they be more likely to use their influence to get more high-profile roles, to amp up their careers? This guy should be more concerned with what happens if “Rise of the Zeton Warriors” bombs than he should be with playing “heroic” Les Moore.

    • Christopher Robin

      People have suggested that they should have gone with a small indie studio, but the weird thing is that by all evidence they did… it’s just that the people at said studio apparently think they’re top-level global-blockbuster producers. How long can Mixmaster stay in business if they keep turning down every concept that wouldn’t cost fifty million dollars more than they have?

  11. Paul Jones

    Not only does it irritate me that Les/Batiuk is mad at the wrong person for why his beloved masterwork gathers dust in Kent State Press’s warehouse, it irritates me more that (as has been said above), he’s pitching the wrong story. People love them a good true crime story with a ridiculous twist ending so we should see Plantman kill hisself when he realizes who ‘Barbie” really is.

  12. sgtsaunders

    “But other people in Westview die! So we can have a sequel! Les, tell him about Bull Bushka! This will slay you. Go ahead, Les, Let ‘er rip!”

  13. Rusty Shackleford

    Ugh, Batty. Remember you did a prequel and a sequel…they both sucked by the way.

    Heck, ghost Lisa haunting Cayla would be a great sequel. It writes itself.

  14. Eldon of Galt

    So in the “Tweets” sidebar here on the SOSF page, we have a Twitter message about a guy who wrote a joke for Funky Winkerbean in 1983. A pretty good joke from a grade school kid.
    And there’s your proof: an elementary school student can write better material than anything Batiuk has written in the last 15 years.

  15. Professor Fate

    “I dot it! How about a malaprop spouting old guy who drives a school bus?”
    “Thank you. Jennifer call security, I need these people to leave.”

  16. bigd1992

    This strip would be so much better if TomBat just embraced how much of an asshole Les is, and then have him get his comeuppance.

  17. Banana Jr. 6000

    I have to admit, I didn’t think I’d ever see a character in Funky Winkerbean tell Les Moore to his face that Lisa’s Story is crap.

    And I really didn’t think it would be this amazingly unsatisfying.

  18. Well, my understanding was that Mason wanted to make “Lisa’s Story” into a movie. NOT to pitch other ideas for other movies. Once the producers said they weren’t interested. Mason should have said “Thanks” and gone on to the next studio. And he should have totally ignored Les and left him where he was.