I’d Like To Wrap His Head Around A Javelin

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What a dick. They make all these aspiring young actresses audition for a role they have no chance of getting just to appease Les’ Lisa fanaticism and meanwhile the bearded dick with ears smugly sits there picking apart their looks and previous roles like he’s some sort of Hollywood kingmaker and not just a whiny douche from Ohio…the boring part of Ohio, no less. In reality that anon-o-character looks alarmingly like Lisa did during her annoying poodle head phase, but Les saw her in some shitty movie on the plane so adios, sucker. His entitlement knows no bounds. God I just despise him so much and he’s around all the time now, like every day for weeks and weeks and weeks on end. As bad as FW is without him it’s just so, so much worse when he’s around.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

32 responses to “I’d Like To Wrap His Head Around A Javelin

  1. William Thompson

    “Lisa was never young! She’s always been my age!”

    • billytheskink

      I’ve read Act I and can confirm that this is true.

      • hitorque

        I know it’s a messy retcon, but I’ve still never wrapped my head around “Star high school quarterback and all-around cool guy takes out mousy, quiet, anti-social nerdgirl from rival school and proceeds to date rape her…”

        • batgirl

          Oddly, the part of the retcon that bothered me was Lisa’s Diary making snarky superior comments about Frankie’s Sex Van decor (leopard-skin belongs on leopards, not car seats).
          The implied narrative of the original was that WallflowerLisa was so thrilled to have a high-status guy date her that she was willing to trade off her virginity. She wouldn’t have been snidely critiquing his taste in anything. More likely nervous about saying the wrong thing or failing to be visibly impressed.

      • Good grief, talk about a word zeppelin there in panel one…

  2. William Thompson

    I’m trying to imagine late-middle-aged Mason Jarre playing opposite a Disney Channel actress. Sorry, all I can imagine is a visit from the vice squad, a warrant for child molestation and a delightful little perp walk. Okay, a perp march, with Les and Mason competing to take the lead.

    • hitorque

      40+ year old male leads have been matched up with 19-24 year old women for generations in Hollywood… Just sayin’

  3. billytheskink

    Because no one who ever got started on the Disney Channel has ever gone on to critical or commercial success…

    Well, the ones who take on projects like Lisa’s Story sure don’t.

  4. Doghouse Reilly (Philadelphia)

    So, why exactly was Les watching the Disney Channel on the flight?

    • William Thompson

      He was daydreaming: “Just wait until they’re old enough for high school! I can make them miserable in ways they never imagined!”

    • Jimmy

      The Disney Channel comment also caught my attention. Les is some kind of creeper.

      • Can’t agree with you there. The Disney channel’s usually fairly solid in-flight entertainment and is often where I end up. The shows are made well enough that you can stay interested, but not so intricate that if you doze off for ten minutes you’re lost. Not really visual spectaculars that lose their point watched on a two-inch screen. Maybe a How It’s Made marathon would be better turn-it-on-and-doze-while-awake watching, but you can’t spend the entire flight watching the same luggage case being extruded.

        • Hitorque

          I know Disney has a lot of watchable stuff, especially the animated movies for old time’s sake, but Les is implying he’s actually watching some teenager stuff…

          Unless he knew beforehand that this girl was auditioning and watched her Disney show/movie just to gauge her performance, this makes zero sense to me…

  5. hitorque

    1. Yeah, because no famous actor ever made kiddie or tween/teen stuff when they were young. And why the hell is a grown-assed man watching tween Disney movies on the flight anyway?

    2. You do realize the woman playing Lisa can only be *so* old, right? Her story starts as a high schooler and she was what, late 20s/early 30s when she died?

    3. It’s funny because Les doesn’t understand how wardrobe and makeup can be used to age or de-age a character, and neither he nor Cindye are actually looking at how she delivers her lines…


    4. As an aside, why hasn’t Les even *asked* to look at the script yet? For all he knows, there could be huge deviations from the official Book of Lisa, and we can’t have that when the pope is about to announce the Book of Lisa is getting certified inclusion in the New Testament…

    5. So we’re really doing this? We’re going to burn 2-3 weeks watching Les reject a bunch of hopefuls for the most petty and bullshit of reasons just so Masone can finally pick Marianne without any objections from Les?

    6. I’m sorry but why is Cindye even there again? She isn’t involved in this project in any way whatsoever…

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      #4 is a really good point. For someone so worried about “protecting Lisa”, Les sure is concerned about the casting and not at all the story. It’s common for movie adaptations to vary a great deal from the original story. Characters are merged, motivations are changed or made up, events are moved chronologically, fictional details are added – all the stuff Les should be concerned about.

      • I’m sure the screenwriters are saying something like “Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea. Let’s make these characters sympathetic and likable!”

      • Hitorque

        Especially since Les’ first go-round in Hollywood was pretty much a six-week battle between Les wanting the script to stay true to his book, and the stereotypical fat, cigar-chomping producer who wanted to sleaze it up…

        Hell, I thought the *ONE* thing Les was going to demand in his negotiations was 100% creative control over the script, but so far it’s barely been mentioned?

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Cindy is there so they can look at her and say “oh, you look just like Lisa” and immediately give her the part.

      That’s why Cindy’s wearing glasses when she never did before. It’s why she spent a week talking about being jealous of her husband doing screen tests with actresses, even though he hasn’t even gotten out of his chair. It’s why Cayla told Les he had to “protect Lisa”: so he’d travel cross country to an event he doesn’t want to be at, where there’s nothing to protect Lisa from. It’s why Cassidy is at this audition, despite it completely contradicting the reasons she agreed to do the movie in the first place.

      Literally weeks of stupid writing have been building to this stupid moment.

      • Hitorque

        Of course… I should have seen it coming, but there I go again giving Batiuk the benefit of the doubt.

        “Chemistry reads”, Cindye’s off-topic boasting about how much “spark” she can create with her husband (like she deserves a medal or something), and TomBa’s obsession with keeping Cindye 25 years old in mind, body and spirit have all converged to this unavoidable conclusion…

        I have no doubt that Marianne Winters will have another commitment or decide she doesn’t want to ‘compete’ with Cindye, or find some other way to turn down the role without losing face, and I have no doubt that Cassidy and the studio execs will go right along with casting a 61-year-old Newsblonde who has never acted before because Masone gets to do whatever he wants on a movie set with no oversight.

        • Banana Jr. 6000

          Hey now, that’s “61-year-old ex-Newsblonde who was fired years ago for being too old and ugly. And then again by a blog, for doing no actual work, and being kind of a bitch.” Oh well, I guess Lisa’s story has to redeem Cindy too.

  6. Paul Jones

    Hindsight really is 20/20, ain’t it? I should have realized that Les imagines Lisa as being in her late fifties or early sixties despite the fact that she’d died in her forties. He really is just that stupid.

    This leaves us staring down the barrel of his deciding that Cindy would be ideal for the part.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Lisa communicates from beyond the grave more than Obi-Wan Kenobi did. So I kinda see why Les would think of her as still alive and aging. It fits in with his overall psychosis.

  7. sgtsaunders

    They are going to need multiple Lisas. This one may work for “teenage, promiscuous Lisa.”

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Teenage promiscuous Lisa was hideously ugly. To portray her accurately, they’d have to hire an animal actor, or use old footage of Sam Kinison.

  8. Count of Tower Grove

    Dead St. Lisa must always be shriveled, bald, wearing a ball cap, and always having a camcorder at the ready. She was never young

  9. batgirl

    Ooh, do you suppose Les brought Lisa’s old cancer-wig in his carry-on?
    “Only she whom the wig fits shall claim the role of Dead Saint Lisa!”

  10. Banana Jr. 6000

    Next question: why is Cassidy there? (I assume that’s Cassidy, sitting next to Mason.) Did Cassidy forget that she agreed to make the movie based on Mason’s promise that he could deliver Marianne Winters for the role of Lisa? Why is she now sitting at an open audition for that very role?

    She doesn’t have any questions about this? Like “Why is my company paying to rent this expensive-looking studio to cast a role that should already be cast?” Or “why am I, a Hollywood producer with the power to green-light movies, participating in a dog-and-pony show to appease a snotty high school teacher from Ohio?”

    • Hitorque

      More importantly, why the hell isn’t the director there? What on Earth could he be doing that’s more important than casting his movie?

  11. Boots Gandalf

    I suppose he’ll start griping when Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren come in to read too.

  12. ComicTrek

    Does he not have any editors at all? There’s nothing wrong with a simple “Wasn’t she on the Disney Channel? I saw her on the plane!”