I had a different goal on these parodies. Instead of recontextualizing the entire strip I just changed one word bubble to write a new punchline.
Can you come up with more interesting and funny punchlines to these setups? The winner will get awful photoshop art in their honor!
Have a great weekend, folks! DCH John’s Crankshaft adventures will continue.
Son of Stuck Funky 
#3
a) Good thing sitting for hours in a crowded restaurant crammed next to people from other households cannot spread disease, according to the CDC!
b) I have no choice. My blackhead-riddled nose has been ruled obscene in six counties.
#4
… is about being able to poop.
#5
[In honor of the skeevy look on Crankshaft’s face]
Sure honey. Can I get that with two extra-large milkers?
#6
a) Wasn’t Dad illiterate a few years ago?
b) He can’t say an ordinary English words without a malapropism, but somehow he’s an expert in obscure Greek terms?
c) A year ago Tom Batiuk heard this word on “All Things Considered,” and, well, *sigh*, here we are.
Whoops. #6b was supposed to say “He can’t say an ordinary English sentence….”
And #6c is Pam’s dialog, not my observation. Okay, it’s both.
Oh, and BTW, CBH: Yours are fantastic. Especially #2 and #5.
#1
So I get off on watching little kids shiver. Don’t kink-shame me! Doesn’t Pride month mean anything to you?
#2
God damn that bitch! I ordered stones!
#1: “That’s because my ‘heater’ needs a hottie like you to turn it on. Let’s close the door and go to the back of the bus, big boy!” (Hey, TB wants to be on the cutting edge of social issues, doesn’t he?)
#2: “Stones, scones, doesn’t matter ’cause Lena baked them and they’re plenty hard enough to break windows downtown when I go on my rampage tonight.”
#3: “The N95 masks are really absorbent when I start drooling.”
#4: “…is about how to find a place where we can sit all day and do nothing. Those three bowls of oatmeal each are breakfast, lunch and dinner. Keep the coffee coming, honey.”
#5: “Yeah, my Depends™ are still good for another couple pints.”
#6: “We need to change our internet passwords again. Dad’s figured them out.”
I stand in line CBH!!!
But none of this CS drivel is worth any much thought
1#: “That’s because i keep it off to make the kids freeze to death!”
2#: Crankshaft: “Then why did my teeth break when i bit into it!?”
3: “But we dont need to wear them anymore.”
3b “But people are going to identify you anyways.
4# “When is Ed going to stop destroying my mailboxes?”
5# “I want a refill of coffee but can you put some LSD in it?”
5b “Yes, and also call that Morton Winkerbean dude to come over here.”
6 “We need to bring Dad into Bedside Manor.”
Too bad you aren’t writing it for real. This is way funnier than the actual nothingburger.
“Crankshaft” blows. I don’t have any other point, and I’m not going anywhere with this. It’s just something I need to say every now and again.
Don’t know if you got the same downvoter as me, but I guess there’s at least one CS devotee
I’m contractually obligated to say “Crankshaft blows” at least five times every calendar year. This one doesn’t count toward the total.
#1.
Crankshaft: That’s the problem nowadays. Nobody wants to work.
#2a.
Crankshaft: Do either of you guys know what this is?
Ralph: That’s your brain, Ed.
#2b.
Crankshaft: Let’s compare the size of our brains. Here’s mine.
#2c.
Ralph: I got 3 Musketeers and a Milky Way.
George: I got a Peppermint Patty and a Snickers bar.
Crankshaft: I got a rock.
3.
Crankshaft: One of these days, one of you guys needs to show me how to put a mask on properly. I keep walking into walls.
4.
Keesterman: That’s three bowls apiece. One for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner.
Crankshaft: Yeah, we’ll be here ’til the cows freeze over.
5.
Crankshaft: Speaking of filling things. Have I ever mentioned how nicely you fill out that waitress uniform? My name’s Crankshaft, but I’d love to work on your carburetors! (wolf whistles, stamps foot)
6.
Pm: The alien invasion has started. They got Dad.
Noooooo!! I haven’t a comment stuck in moderation in months. Now that prizes are on the line, my comment gets stuck?
Fix! Fix! The contest is rigged!
Don’ worry girl, Leroy gotchu.
I hate to gloat here, but I’m the only snarker in SoSF history to win TWO SoSF contests. No chance of me winning this one, though, so good luck to all!
My improved punchline for today’s Crankshaft:
I’m sorry to cast aspersions upon your artistic endeavors, BJ6K, but how could we mere mortals ever improve upon Pulitzer Nominee Tom Batiuk’s comedic premise in today’s CS? Lillian the Lizard enters a furniture store because she’s looking for new furniture, and the furniture salesman tells her that they just happen to sell furniture there in the furniture store! In the immortal words of Kenny Bania, “That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!”
Also…“writing room”? Last I saw, Lillian the Lizard pens her “Murder in the…” potboilers in her bookshop, and the “writing room” furniture up there consists of a desk and a chair. Is Mr. Slick Salesman going to spend the week trying to palm off an overpriced recliner on her (“I’m tellin’ ya, ma’am, no less an author than Agatha Christie herself did her best work in one of these Lay-Zee-Boyz! It’s a steal at $3,299.99!”)? Or will she be reno-ing her late sister Lucy’s bedroom? You know, the sister whose life she ruined?
BTW, much of this is now up for a second time on GoComics? Will it last? Stay tuned.
I think this week’s theme is going to be Lillian’s continuing need to say “writer” every 5 1/2 words to a furniture salesman. God, Batiuk is so impressed with himself, and all the Mary Sues he made of himself.
Oh, he never misses an opportunity to remind his readers that he relates to and understands writers, what with being one himself and all.
I hope this goes on all week! Because Tom really strikes me as the kind of guy who would smugly dump on service workers doing their best to help him. I’ll bet that when he’s feeling extra generous, he tips them 10%! Instead of his usual, just writing on the tip line “GET A BETTER JOB!!! And PULITZER LOL”
Until proven otherwise, I’m going to assume that this is taking place in an Ikea.
“…Sir?”
TOM: “GLORBUL?”
“Sir, we have plates and utensils. Please stop ramming meatballs into your face by grabbing fistfuls from the serving pot.”
TOM: “You DAREBUL?! Mmmph GLOB glob your manager, I’ll splort mmph YOUR JOB!” (shoves more meatballs in his pockets, “for later”)
Batiuk loves to abuse service workers for trying to do their jobs. Today the salesman tries to show Lillian some fancy office chairs, and she says she wants “something I can sit on.” As if he’s some kind of moron for trying to show her what she said she wanted – an office chair.
And when the customer says what Lillian said, the sales demonstration is over. He would just point her to the basic chairs and be done with it. But the Rules of the Funkyverse dictate they have to talk for five more days, so we’re going to see this man put through increasingly smug, stupid, condescending remarks from this old bat, as she reminds us what a writer she is.
Lillian is basically Les.
One would think Les and Funky and Lillian would be blacklisted from every eye doctor, retirement advisor, and furniture dealer in the Centerville-Westview Metroplex Region for just this sort of asshattery.
Being unnecessarily unkind and condescending to someone trying to help you is the very pinnacle of pure trash behavior. Trash.
One would think Les and Funky and Lillian would be blacklisted for just this sort of asshattery.
This may be the single biggest failure of the Funkyverse. The main characters are held up as heroes for silently accepting whatever life gives them, no matter how unjustified it is or how trivial it would be to overcome. But those same people exploit this tendency in everyone else, for laughs.
Tom Batiuk is so blind to human behavior that he doesn’t realize that some people won’t accept this treatment. Some, like salesmen, are even trained to deal with it. One more crack from Lillian and the salesman would say “the chairs are over there, let us know if you have any questions” and then go on break. But his “humor” simply doesn’t work unless his characters have endless permission to be abusive assholes.
“Characters as assholes” can easily work if you lean into it. Or you can write a situation where both characters are somewhat asshole-ish (cf. Jack Benny vs Frank Nelson, any situation in Seinfeld involving George, almost every situation in Curb Your Enthusiasm, etc).
What doesn’t work is the writer not seeing what a jerk their character is being.
This got a solid laugh out loud from me!
What’s with heavy lidded Lillian today? The guy is just explaining the products to her. Why is she so annoyed?
I bet Batty is fun like this when shopping, or going to the doctor.
Yeah, I bet this happens to Tom Batiuk a lot. He goes into a store, gives contradictory instructions, and then gets snotty when people don’t correctly guess what he wants.
Lillian: “Hi, I’m a super writer-y writer who needs a writing chair to do my writing in my writing room.”
Salesperson: “Okay, here’s a top of the line desk chair.”
Lillian: “Ugh, just one with four legs and seat, please.”
Oh, fuck you, Lillian. He was trying to interpret your pointless boast as best he could.
I loved your comment above: “ Lillian is basically Les”
That sums it up. Of course, Les is just Batty.
And Lillian is just Batty in drag.
The unearned arrogance and the hack writing isn’t even their worst shared trait. It’s the phony martyrdom. They both believe they’re some kind of saint because they “took care of” their loved one. Yeah, like the Tattaglias did to Luca Brasi. These two monsters drove Lucy and Lisa to their graves. And nobody ever calls them on it.
Do we send the two writers back with a fish, Boss?
Nah, we send ’em back with hot dogs and piselli…and maybe a clump of zucchino…
Seniors in the Funkyverse are so adverse to modernization (and by “modernization” I mean “shit that has been commonplace already for 30+ years”) that you wonder why Lillian doesn’t travel around town in a horse-drawn carriage or write with a quill pen by candlelight…
Salesman flips Loathsome Lillian the bird.
Salesman: Sit on this… and swivel.
Or attending retirement investment seminars.
Loathsome Lillian wants a “writing chair”? What the heck is a “writing chair”? A chair built primarily for writing?
Sell her a school desk. Weren’t those chairs purpose-built with a surface for writing?
Preferably one with ink wells. She can reminisce about her school days in the late 1800s.
Lillian: The boys used to stick my pigtails in the ink wells. Tee-hee.
I have a feeling the rest of the week will feature several rousing rounds of “No, that’s not what I want, but I’ll let you know when I see it.”
Which still makes her way more reasonable than Les. Les would never be so clear as to say “no, that’s not what I want.” He’d just pout and fume and make you keep guessing. Then he’d be unable to recognize what he wanted, until the entire suite of office furniture is moved into his house. Then if he doesn’t like it, he expects you to remove it all for free because Lisa died.
Nah, Les wouldn’t expect it for free. He’d expect you to pay him to remove it.
I don’t get it. Does Batiuk make a conscious effort to make all his writer avatar characters complete a$$holes? Is Batiuk such a terrible writer he’s incapable of making these characters likable? Does he think a$$hole behavior is somehow humorous and endearing?
Batiuk: Ha ha! Watch Lillian put this salesman in his place!
We’ve all seen Batiuk in videos, but I have to wonder what he’s like in real life.
Is the Tom Batiuk we see in those interviews the real person? Those interviews always seem so stilted and familiar. Like he’s providing the questions to well-rehearsed answers. In other words, a script.
I have to wonder what he’s like as a person in real life. Does he live in the boonies of Medina, hundreds of feet from the main road for a reason?*
* My guess is, kids can’t throw eggs that far.
This happened 4 times:
Waitress: “You guys must work with the public!”
(friend & I exchange confused glances) Me: “Well, yes, why do you ask?”
Waitress: “Because you say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ for everything!”
The last time this happened, I said to my friend “When she said that…were you automatically about to say ‘Oh, I’m sorry!’ in your retail voice?” And Jessica nodded ruefully and said “Yes, I was!”
As the saying goes–you can tell a lot about who a person is from how they treat people who they can’t gain anything from. Tom would smirk “I’m going to get a Pulitzer for writing from this writing chair! So…75% off?” And when that didn’t work, cue the shrieking for “YOUR MANAGER!!”
I think you can tell a lot about people from who they think they’re superior to–by the fact that they think anybody is automatically inferior to them.
Okay, so you’re thinking “Are you saying you’re better than Tom because you don’t treat retail workers like shit?” No. I like to think that I’m just less worse.
Is the Tom Batiuk we see in those interviews the real person?
Oh, I think it’s absolutely an act. Like a Congressman, or a college football coach. Except those people are skilled at appearing folksy, because their job forces them to maintain it while facing unpleasant questions. Those who can’t are quickly removed from the profession. Batiuk stage-manages everything down to the word, because it wouldn’t take much to fracture the facade.
And he constantly gives the truth away anyway, Like when he made that self-deprecating remark about St. Peter “liking his old funny stuff better”, after 200 blog posts about not wanting to write gags anymore because it’s beneath him.
A part of me wants to go to one of his book signings, just to ask him a question that isn’t at all rude, but I know would set him off. Like “what do you say to people who think Les Moore isn’t a sympathetic character”? Creators get asked that sort of thing all the time about their characters, but Batiuk would take it personally. He seems like the kind of guy who can’t take a gram of negativity, or deviation from his prescribed way to read Funky Winkerbean.
To use a cliche, he puts the cart before the horse. He comes into these situations already believing that his readers are on his avatars’ side, so he both doesn’t feel any need to justify their behavior, and he thinks you’re going to laugh at their “clever” antics.
He also has this disturbing tendency, which I think/hope only manifests itself in his writing, where he doesn’t consider the straight man/bystander/unnamed extra’s humanity. They may be humiliated/embarrassed/aggrieved, but they don’t matter so why would anyone care?
He also has this disturbing tendency, which I think/hope only manifests itself in his writing, where he doesn’t consider the straight man/bystander/unnamed extra’s humanity. They may be humiliated/embarrassed/aggrieved, but they don’t matter so why would anyone care?
Tom Batiuk has no Theory of Mind. He can’t consider anyone’s feelings other than his own, or even imagine that any feelings other than his own exist. If you enjoyed the campy Batman TV show, then you are simply incorrect.
Levels! Levels! We need more levels!
@Bill the Splut
It’s often suggested that individuals should work in retail or service industries at some point in their lives to understand the worker’s perspective. During my high school years, I worked in food services, and during college, I worked in retail. These experiences have greatly influenced how I treat people in the service industry. My business management style, as well.
@Banana Jr. 6000
Oooo! Love the profile pic!
You’re braver than I am. If I were to meet TB in person, I would likely just express my pleasure in meeting him and mention that I have been a fan of his comics for years. Both would be kind of true. The idea of asking a challenging question is intimidating, as I have the mental image of security frog marching me from the premises. The concept of a Batiuk goon squad is somewhat amusing.
Goon: Make way. Funky Winkerbean creator coming through. *shove*
I’ve come across a few accounts, either second or third-hand, where Batiuk expressed annoyance. One instance was when a TV news reporter forgot his name while wrapping up an interview, and another was when a child interrupted him while he was casually chatting with friends at a con to ask for an autograph. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to confirm either one.
If the Northeast Ohio Funky Winkerbean Tour somebody here mentioned ever occurs, we should add Batiuk’s house to the list. We can ring his doorbell and ask to see him because we’re fans. See if he speaks to us or calls the cops.
@Charles
You make a valid observation. Not only does Batiuk use this technique with avatar characters, but he also does it with non-avatar characters. For instance, Funky acted like a stand-up comedian at an investment seminar, which is unrealistic. I have attended investment seminars, and no one behaves in such a manner. The other attendees would ask them to be quiet or leave. The speaker would not simply tolerate such behavior.
I’ve had clients and bosses like that!
A friend of mine is a graphic designer. She complains about her clients all the time. Calls it a “Rousing round of “No, that’s not it.”
I love that song! Especially its catchy chorus, “Can you make it pop?”
This is why “young adult” is Batiuk-speak for “grouchy old white dude who gives lousy instructions but still expects to be accommodated.” My late father was his kind of young adult.
Krankenschaaften: This week is going to end with Ed giving Lillian a slab of freshly cut tree trunk to sit on, isn’t it??
We’ll also get to see her using her hemorrhoid donut.
Today, more treading water. Lillian sees something interesting — but we won’t know what until at least tomorrow. Oh, the nail-biting, pulse-pounding suspense!
Somehow TB has misunderstood the “no arcs over 3 weeks” dictum to also mean “try to make your arcs last at least a week.” But this is not how writers work. How long should a novel be? A short story? A monologue? A speech? A pamphlet about smoking cessation? Generally, a work should be as long as it needs to be, but no longer. Your audience recognizes, and hates, unnecessary padding.
Nothing has happened since Lillian walked into the store. No character development for either character.* No bons mots. No plot.
*We have seen a bit more revelation of the hateful harpie underneath Lillian’s “Who, me? Harmless little old lady me?” facade, but we knew about that already.
Oh I bet it will be some tiny vintage desk with no room for a computer. The salesman will tell her it’s not practical for her but she will buy it anyways, after berating the salesman some more.
“Oh, why,” thinks the hapless salesman, “couldn’t this bitchbag have just shopped online on Slamazon, or Getsy, or Sprawlmart, or Bullseye, or Dayfair, or Cloverstock?”
Two of my favorite comic strips are masters of knowing when to stop. Monty and Brewster Rockit will start an arc on, say, Tuesday, and then end it Friday because “Well, that’s as many jokes as this concept can support” and move on. Bats in the Attic is like a 90s standup comic who spends his whole half hour setting up a joke about how small the bags of peanuts airlines give you, and then saying “All that wait, and the bags are SO SMALL! Amirite?!”
And then complains the whole cab drive home “I’m funny! Audiences today just don’t like COMEDY!”
Cabbie: “We’re here, sir.”
Tom: “FINALLY! Here’s your tip, a quarter that I found on your floor. Kinda sticky.”
(Tom gets out) “Wait–this is fifteen blocks from my place!” as the taxi races away.
My take on Wednesday’s cliffhanger (not to be confused with Cliff Anger) strip:
“Yes, dear readers, what is that over there in the corner? Is it the simple, Shaker-made drawer-less desk and straight-back chair of our heroine Lillian’s dreams? Is it a rare rococo antique writing desk smuggled out of Versailles during the French Revolution? Is it the mummified remains of Eudora Welty, slumped over her favorite 1930s Remington typewriter atop a humble kitchen table? In you’re on tenterhooks just waiting for the exciting reveal, be sure to tune in tomorrow, same Batty time, same Batty channel!”
I’ve been “J.J. O’Malley’ed”! My comment on GoComics yesterday was deleted. It appears the pearl clutchers are Loathsome Lillian fans.
Pearl Clutcher: We love Lillian! We can’t wait to read her new book!
Here’s the offending comment.
Shame on me. I must be a glass half-full type person. /s
As J.J. O’Malley often does, I reposted it. Too bad the six supportive replies were lost.
Oopsy! Meant “half-empty” type person. Had to rush my comment because the work phone rang. 😏
Good news, eve. As of 12:20 a.m. Thursday your repost is still there (the GC censors must knock off at 5). I gave you an upvote while I went ahead and added my own little comment to cap off an exciting day of absolutely nothing happening.
Frankly, I think we should lose the initials and just refer to anyone whose honest, non-offensive commentary is cancelled for no good reason as “being O’Malley’ed.” Has a nice ring to it, dont you think?
Thanks.
In addition, I think some of the pearl-clutchers who might feel the inclination to flag my comment into oblivion had other things to do, like take their afternoon naps and enjoy the early bird specials at the local diner.