THERE!
No matter how miserable and depressing your holiday could be…it can’t possibly beat that!
Makes last year’s little LOST ripoff finale seem like a masterpiece of hopefulness!
Merry Christmas from all of us here at Son of Stuck Funky!
Special Comment-Free Recap: A Very Funky Holiday! 2003 Edition!
Son of Stuck Funky 
I think that the 2003 Holiday Funky Winkerbean strips were the saddest/most depressing strips in all of FW’s history
A fantastic example of why we still, to this day, speak of Act II Lisa in hushed, yawning tones. It really was as batshit crazy as we always say it was.
As always, Lisa’s motivational quote is:
“Just give up.”
Don’t never give up!
“Don’t not give up… don’t ever not give up.” — Jim Valvano, in some reality where he coached Kent State instead of NC State
I dropped out from reading the strip back then. This crap was just too much. Lisa really was the worst character in this strip, Les is a close second.
More hollow made up drama from Batty. Funny to see fat little Summer.
This story was like Holly’s breast cancer survivor trip to Congress x10. Lisa hijacked that trip and made it all about her, just like she makes Danny Madison’s ordeal all about her.
The “Silent Night” bit was disgustingly maudlin.
Oh I remember that arc, dreadful. And you thought Dinkle was a narcissist.
Keep in mind that Batty considers this some of his best work.
That’s the really funny part, how he thought this was actually a good, compelling story. It’s the work of a madman. Act II was like one long desperate plea for attention.
And Act III was one, desperate tantrum, after he didn’t get the attention he wanted in Act II. Much like any four-year-old who doesn’t get what he wants. (Even though TB got a second undeserved Pulitzer nomination in 2004.)
The “Silent Night” bit was disgustingly maudlin.
It was out of nowhere, meaningless, and had nothing to do with the story. If Danny had found religion in prison as some inmates do, or even expressed an iota of regret for what he did, it might have meant something. He was basically singing “Give Tom Batiuk A Pulitzer (Or At Least A Comic Book).”
And when the carolers sing it outside Lisa’s home, Batiuk hides her reaction in the shadows. That was the Pulitzer shot, dumbass. Your character saw someone die and it shocked her to the point of quitting her job and upending her entire life; anything associated with that moment should be a permanent painful reminder of it. And Batiuk edits around it, like he does with any genuinely emotional moment he stumbles into.
On some level, this shit is isn’t even worth talking about.
Also weird to see Les and Lisa saying grace before their meal as they are not portrayed as being religious in any way. Just some cheap pathos Batty threw in to hopefully boost his chance at a Pulitzer.
Well, unlike 2023 Batiuk, that was comprehensible. Sure, it wasn’t especially well-written — on more than one level, the execution left much to be desired. (Sorry!) But this didn’t suck the way Batiuk’s current work sucks. This sequence was aiming high and missing, as opposed to his more recent practice of, uh …. not really aiming at all and missing.
Thanks for this look into Christmas Past, CBH!
I’m not familiar with this story, as I wasn’t reading FW back then.
Did Danny Madison in fact kill a clerk at a party store? I don’t get the impression from what I see here that he was falsely accused.
The nitwit store-front lawyer watched too much Perry Mason. This means that she didn’t realize that her real job was simply to represent the man in court, not to get him out of trouble. Even guilty people need someone to speak for them so they can explain WHY they thought it was a good idea to stick up a store and kill someone. His fate was not in her hands but you couldn’t tell her that because, as I said, she was deluded. Just because twelve other mutants waiting for the dinner bell let DSH skate on wanting to sell porn to minors doesn’t mean all juries are simpletons, you know.
doesn’t mean all juries are simpletons, you know.
They are if the lawyer’s any good. Especially if they know they have a weak case. I’ve had jury duty 4-5 times in my life; i’ve never once survived the first day of voir dire.
Getting out of jury duty is easy: pay attention, give thoughtful answers, and demonstrate that you’ll be a tough sell. At least one of the lawyers will want you out of the jury pool pronto. And that counts as fulfilling your service. Take your day’s pay and enjoy your afternoon off.
My personal best is 11:30 am on the first day. I’m shooting for 10 am next time.
And she couldn’t even have convinced a panel of mutants and barnyard animals that the man was innocent even if the arresting officer was Barney Goddamn Fife. Not only should she have quit, she should have got gassed with her client.
My younger brother has been summoned for jury duty eight times. He has served on two juries. The first time because he wanted the experience. The second he felt it was his duty and even served as the jury foreman. For the rest of the summons, he either never had to report or was dismissed. After getting summoned for the third time, he had enough. He read up on how to get dismissed. He is an I.T. contractor, and being away from work equals no pay. The $15 a day provided by the court for jury duty barely covered parking.
OTOH, I’m a year older than him. I’ve never been summoned for jury duty. Not once. Weird.
The story presented some things that TB probably thought established reasonable doubt in the readers’ minds: the key witness that identified Madison running from the crime scene was said to be an agoraphobic who was waiting on a scheduled cataract surgery, the snitch who rolled on Madison and said he confessed to the crime in prison was given a reduced sentence for his statement, and Lisa argued that Madison likely couldn’t remember where he was at the time of the crime and form a reasonable alibi was due to flashbacks from his service blowing up VC tunnels during the Vietnam War (a story vouched for by Principal Nate, who coincidentally served with Madison in Vietnam).
Thus, the maxim that not all doubt is reasonable.
If this were anyone but Batiuk, I would infer “well, he must have really done it if this is the best defense his lawyer can come up with.” Or possibly “sheesh, his lawyer sucks.”
But that’s not how storytelling works on Planet Batiuk. Danny’s being treated unfairly, because the story told you Danny’s being treated unfairly. You take your instructions from the storyteller, and no place else. You are not allowed to form your own opinion about the proceedings.
Which is at the center of everything that’s wrong with the Funkyverse. We’re supposed to see the characters as victims of cruel fate. But it’s hard to overlook that they could easily solve their own problems, if they could be bothered to try.
It’s even easier to see that Lisa is being manipulated by someone who had her pegged as a sucker the second he laid eyes on her. Most of the ‘objections’ or ‘mitigating circumstances’ are sheer buncombe. You are talking to a man who is shocked, SHOCKED that Lennie Briscoe or John Munch never got to say “I, witless testimony.’
You are talking to a man, unlike Lisa or Batiuk, understands that there’s a transactional element to the criminal justice system. If a man hands them something legitimate they can use, they will take care of him. She doesn’t realize that Danny would use his being in Nam as an all-solving excuse for bad behavior.
This means that Batiuk was probably outraged when Waiter White copped to becoming a drug baron because he liked being a big shot. He fumed because Saul Goldman said that being as scary as being the man behind the monster was, he’d rather be an infamous mob lawyer than Slipping Jimmy. It infuriated him when Dr Melfi was told that Tony Soprano was kicked her way to teach her that some people are just plain irredeemable and she had to be able to spot one if she were to be any good.
And none of that evidence matters because it either wasn’t brought up at trial by Madison’s lawyers for some reason, or it was and the jury didn’t find it compelling enough to acquit over.
Appellate Courts are not trial courts. They are not there to give the loser at trial another bite at the apple. They’re there to correct mistakes the trial court made – and that’s the court itself, not the jury, not the defense attorney, just the judge and his decisions.
This is not exactly esoteric information about how our court system runs, you know.
Oh, good grief. The woman quit because she couldn’t get a guilty man’s sentence commuted? You’re going to get clients who did what they were accused of doing, Dead Idiot!!
With Batty it’s always “ The System” that is wrong. No details as to what is broken about it, the point is that Lisa didn’t get her way, therefore it’s “the system “ that is messed up. Same with Les. Same with Batty.
Les/Batty writes something that isn’t immediately praised, it’s the system, big business, greed, or any other ambiguous entity.
Why does the little girl go “NOMAN”? Was she a *T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents* fan?
Seems to me that someone that age would prefer Dynamo and hope that he could one day reform the Iron Maiden.
Or feel sorry that Guy Gilbert shortened his life each time he used the Lightning suit.
The first real use I had of word balloons giving us the thoughts (as opposed to the dialogue) of a character was probably in Marvel’s *Master of Kung Fu* series. That told you immediately what was up; the use of it here was much more awkward, and when I saw what it was, all I could think was that Lisa Crawford Moore was no Shang-Chi, and certainly no Marion Tweedy Bloom.
Maybe captions would have been better.
“I’m quitting” is no substitute for “yes I said yes I will Yes.”
It’s not even Vladimir and Estragon saying they can’t go on and somehow going on. (Never fear — Godot is here!)
Merry Christmas, everyone!
I assume she said “NOMAN!” because she didn’t see snowballs.
As in the character from a “Get Smart” book (or was that Mad magazine, or both?) “I. M. Noman,” who of course turned out to be a woman.
Hannibal:
“No living man am I,” as Eowyn told the Witch-King.
I must reproach myself here: I hurried over the strips and didn’t realize that “the little girl” was Summer; I thought it was Danny Madison’s daughter. Similarly, while a proper lisp would make it “thoman,” I suppose “noman” is understandable. (Normal gaffes curtsey before the woman who will one day reveal that humanity is our common nation.)
Odysseus told the Cyclops that he was “Noman,” and then made the mistake of giving his true name as he left his island. (Thus incurring the wrath of Poseidon, the Cyclops’s father. His mother’s name was Thoosa, for what it’s worth.)
I lost my collection of “Get Smart” tie-in novels during a harrowing of my apartment, but a check online (I refuse to use Pete’s terminology) reveals that I.M. Noman is in the third entry in the series, *Get Smart Once Again.*)
Thank you reminding me of Max’s deep-rooted conviction that we should our genius for niceness instead of evil.
WWSA86D?
(“What Would Secret Agent 86 Do?,” of course. Hi-yo, Silver, away with yourself, Lone Ranger, and take John Howard with you!)
Ah yes, the William Johnston Get Smart books. I bought all I could find in the 70s. He was a master of the Call Back Joke. Not just setting them up in individual books for pages later, but in sequels, books later. (Remember the Control Operator Max only got in the books? She mentioned in 1 book that she lived operator’s room. Next books, she kept getting extra relatives moving in, all of them oddballs)
I recommend “Sam Weskitt on the Planet Framingham,” which I got cheap on Fleabay 20 years ago. It was 1 of his non-TV show-related books. Know what else he wrote?
The screenplay for the movie “Caligula.” Well,can’t say he didn’t have range!
You may chute when ready, Mr Gridley…
On first read I thought she was saying, “NEWMAN!”. I assumed she was a Seinfeld fan.
Upvote from a fellow T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents fan 😉
To be faaair… my experience with language development in small kids (babysitting and one linguistics course) suggests that consonant clusters can be difficult for them, and an initial S is often dropped, so ‘string’ becomes ‘ding’, for instance. Not a lisp or other impediment, just a stage in learning to handle speech.
Certainly something to make the day here interesting, thanks CBH. Crankshaft today replaced any sort of clever festiveness with rerunning the events of Christmas eve for the benefit of people who didn’t get the Sunday funnies. At least least Pete looks more excited this time I guess.
This flashback to 2003 is certainly bemusing. The authorial intent is clear tragic pathos that Act 2 Funky was famous for that climaxed in St Lisa’s famous Dead accolade, making a big deal of those caught in death row. I’m sure the arc makes a modest attempt to make this Danny seem like a decent man who doesn’t deserve what’s coming to him. How successful that is is another matter, of course, but either way it makes a big deal of the appeals court process and Lisa’s presumed public defender role that I’m sure people in the profession enjoyed in the same way some doctor out there saved the strips of Summer’s post-birth crisis to put on the hospital walls and terrify real parents in limbo.
The Danny Madison story took up FOUR MONTHS of strips. There was one week when Les had to take Summer to a playdate because Lisa was working late, but it was on the Madison case, so even then, it was still part of the story. And there was a week when Les and Funky watched a football game with Summer, but Lisa couldn’t watch Summer because, again, she was working late on the Madison case. So even the strips that weren’t directly about the case were still part of the overall story.
Four months for one story. It’s like no one ever told Batiuk that there’s a rule that says stories shouldn’t last longer than three weeks or something. (Or maybe he’s just a rebel who defies all the rules.) (But I guess some things are more important than “rules”. Like trying to chase that Pulitzer. And, hey, just like Lisa, Tom failed, too! Guess Lisa really was another author avatar!)
Anyhoo, when Danny gave Lisa the letter to mail to his daughter, I kinda think maybe he wanted her to get it BEFORE he died? Maybe? Granted, he doesn’t really say one way or the other, and we don’t know what the letter says (although neither should Lisa), but it seems like it should have been mailed out a lot earlier, y’know? (But then… Lisa kinda sucked.) (Also, we were denied the chance to see the daughter read the letter. Tom, that’s a week of strips right there, showing her opening it! Missed opportunity, man.)
I didn’t even pick up on the idea that the letter in the last strip was the one Danny wanted to send his daughter and asked Lisa to mail.
Me either. I thought it was the same letter she’d put in the mailbox in the previous strip, and I was trying to work out how that could be possible.
It’s like no one ever told Batiuk that there’s a rule that says stories shouldn’t last longer than three weeks or something. (Or maybe he’s just a rebel who defies all the rules.)
He probably interrupted the Danny story every three weeks. Batiuk doesn’t defy his own rules, but he follows the letter of the law while ignoring the spirit. Same way he did those interminable Starbuck Jones and Hollywood stories.
He really didn’t, though. (I may or may not have obtained a copy of the CK archives. I’m not saying which.) There was one week of “Les takes Summer to her playdate (because Lisa is busy with the Madison case)” and one week of “Les and Funky watch a football game on TV with Summer (because Lisa is busy with the Madison case)”, but otherwise it’s really just that one storyline. (I’m counting the start of the story as the week of August 25: Nate is putting insulation in the crawl space under his house, which gives him flashbacks to his time as a tunnel rat in ‘Nam; Batiuk made sure we knew the guy he was working with was named “Madison”. Since that factors into the overall story, and the name “Danny Madison” is given on September 12, it’s pretty obviously acting as a lead-in, so I’m counting it.) (I’m also counting the week of Lisa losing her previous job and getting the PD job, since clearly they’re part of the story as well.)
Some one-off strips COULD be considered “not part of the Danny Madison story”, like the strips above with the band turkey, Montoni’s employees caroling, and the “NOMAN!” strip, but even those are tied into it. Like, it’s obviously intentional that the carolers are singing “Silent Night” because that’s what Danny was singing when he was executed. But other than those two aforementioned weeks, it’s all Danny Madison. (Although, in fairness, CK didn’t have the Sunday strips from 2003 in the archives, but still.) From August 25 (the first part of Nate installing the insulation) to December 27 (Lisa mails the letter to Carrie Madison), it’s all one continuous story.
(Though I do have to question what Batiuk was thinking with the October 25 strip. That one was just WEIRD…)
On the Bright side, Danny never had to hear about Les’s book
Bigd1992:
You reminded me of one of Ambrose Bierce’s *Fantastic Fables*:
At Heaven’s Gate
HAVING arisen from the tomb, a Woman presented herself at the gate of Heaven, and knocked with a trembling hand.
“Madam,” said Saint Peter, rising and approaching the wicket, “whence do you come?”
“From San Francisco,” replied the Woman, with embarrassment, as great beads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow.
“Never mind, my good girl,” the Saint said, compassionately. “Eternity is a long time; you can live that down.”
“But that, if you please, is not all.” The Woman was growing more and more confused. “I poisoned my husband. I chopped up my babies. I – ”
“Ah,” said the Saint, with sudden austerity, “your confession suggests a very grave possibility. Were you a member of the Women’s Press Association?”
The lady drew herself up and replied with warmth:
“I was not.”
The gates of pearl and jasper swung back upon their golden hinges, making the most ravishing music, and the Saint, stepping aside, bowed low, saying:
“Enter, then, into thine eternal rest.”
But the Woman hesitated.
“The poisoning – the chopping – the – the – ” she stammered.
“Of no consequence, I assure you. We are not going to be hard on a lady who did not belong to the Women’s Press Association. Take a harp.”
“But I applied for membership – I was blackballed.”
“Take two harps.”
Ours is a world in which a man known as “Bitter Bierce” can make me smile. Maybe we will survive climate damage at its most personal!
Batiuk today concludes (well, starts the victory lap for) his homage to “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Comparisons between Capra and Batiuk are unfortunately not complimentary to the latter.
In “It’s a Wonderful Life,” we spend at least three quarters of the movie seeing what George Bailey has done for his town, and how much the people of that town love him for it. The last part of the movie revolves around Clarence opening his eyes to what everyone but George himself already knew; as a result, the outpouring of generosity at the end of the movie is both surprising and perfectly consistent, and even I can’t keep a dry eye when I watch it.
Batty provides no such buildup. Indeed, we are still not even sure why Montoni’s closed last year. Did the business fail (in which case, why are all these people–who apparently didn’t eat there often enough to keep the place open–now willing to donate so that MoPete can re-open it)? Did Funky decide it was time to retire (in which case, why didn’t he sell his thriving business intact rather than auctioning off the “memorabilia” and leaving the place vacant for a year)?
Assuming the place failed and Funky auctioned off the stuff to pay bills, why this odd transfer of wealth? Why are the people who bought the “memorabilia” at auction now giving these valuable items to MoPete (who is alternately depicted as highly-paid and destitute, depending on which side of the bed Batty rolled out of this morning) and not to Funky?
It’s as if the Jimmy Stewart character had been replaced by… a business? That’s the best conclusion I can reach.
Capra gave us a classic story, with characters, motivations, feelings, and consistency, so that the ending was a perfect combination of surprise and “of course; how else could it have ended?” Batty just gives us a series of events, with no particular connection or consistency between them, and an ending that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
The whole bloody thing would have made more sense if it had taken place last year. With Time Mop being The Fuck Up Fairy, sense is as dead as Danny Madison.
It occurs to me that if Batiuk had written “It’s a Wonderful Life,” Potter would end up owning the town, George Bailey would be in prison for fraud, and all the people would be giving their money to Potter.
And I suppose that Annie the housekeeper wouldn’t be saving up any money for either a husband or a divorce!
In reading the obituaries for Tommy Smothers, I learned about his first show with his brother, in which he played a well-meaning angel who, despite the best of intentions, just made things worse for Dick.
Truly, as Ecclesiastes said, there is nothing new under the sun.
Clarence Od(d)body has a copy of *The Adventures of Tom Sawyer* with him when we first meet him, and he bequeaths it to George Bailey at the end. This is Superman’s favorite book, but his favorite movie is “To Kill a Mockingbird.”
Atticus Finch would not like Lisa.
Hannibal:
A recent episode of “University Challenge” had three bonus questions about “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The team answered all three incorrectly, not knowing that
Frank Capra directed the movie;
Bedford Falls was based on Seneca Falls (a toughie, I’ll admit, but the detail about the 1848 women’s right conference was a big hint); and
George Bailey’s angel’s name was Clarence Od(d)body.
What do they watch in the United Kingdom, Professor Digory Kirke?
Or should I ask Susan Pevensie instead, if I can get her away from lipstick and nylons and invitations for five minutes?
Isn’t Wonderful Life’s popularity in the US largely due to Howard Hughes re-running it constantly, as much as it hitting that particularly American idealization of small towns?
I’m Canadian, and it doesn’t seem to me that it’s a cultural keystone here – the Alistair Sims Christmas Carol is much more so – so I’d expect it has an even lower profile in the UK.
Batgirl:
I was ready to agree with you — especially since I’d much rather see Alistair Sim’s Scrooge receive encouragement from nephew Fred’s maidservant to join the party than wish that George Bailey would tell brother Harry that it’s his turn to run the Savings and Loan now (for an interesting opinion of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” check out John Kessel’s *Good News from Outer Space*) — and then something hit me.
The British series “Red Dwarf” has a tie-in novel using Bedford Falls and the “It’s a Wonderful Life” ambience, and Rob Grant and Doug Naylor are certainly British. They must have expected their audience to get the reference and not just lie there “shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh mango juice.” (As the closing theme song lyrics put it.)
To be sure, in the U.S., it’s very different, to the point that there’s a joke about the ubiquity of the movie on television in December on “Cheers,” prompting Carla to say that it should be renamed “It’s a Wonderful Month.”
The ubiquity of “It’s a Wonderful Life” is kind of a strange case. At the time “Cheers” aired, it was being constantly shown on television, but it actually isn’t any longer. Due to the way copyright worked at the time, IaWL’s copyright wasn’t renewed in 1974, which led to it being considered essentially in the public domain. However, the story it was based on (“The Greatest Gift” by Philip Van Doren Stern) WAS still under copyright, and the film rights to that were still held by National Telefilm Associates (which later acquired the IP rights to the old Republic studio and renamed itself Republic Pictures). In 1993, Republic was able to get IaWL declared NOT public domain, under the argument that it was a derivative work of copyrighted material. At that point, they sold the broadcast rights to the Turner networks, and then when that deal expired, to NBC (who still holds the rights today).
So for a time, IaWL was being shown on TV constantly, but nowadays it’s usually only shown twice a year at most (around Thanksgiving and Christmas). Presumably, the inherent familiarity that one could expect from audiences has dropped off significantly in the last 30 years.
My cultural referent isn’t Jimmy Stewart hawking Capra Corn. Mine is Linus quoting from the New Testament.
I just want to say Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate, to everyone. I was fortunate to get to visit my family (both literal and metaphorical) this year. As I get older, I realize life gives you a limited number of chances to do that, and to do all the things that give your life meaning. So do them. Every chance you get.
We’re kind of a family here too, and I’m privileged to be a part of it. I greatly enjoy getting to have a conversation with you each day. We have some weird subject matter, but this is the Internet at its best. It allows people with very niche interests to find each other, and for unique communities to exist and thrive. While toxic communities can, and do, form, I prefer to believe much more good than bad comes from it all.
Cheers, everyone.
Yes, best holiday wishes to you too, BJr6K, and to all the commenters who’ve posted or read here. And most especially to our gracious hosts who’ve somehow spun gold from dross.
May TimeMop ever nudge you towards happiness and good fortune!
Cheers to you too Banana Jr! I hope you had a wonderful time visiting your family and WATCHING SPOOOORTS. Thanks for being such a great copilot this year.
Merry Christmas!
Won the bowl game 45-0! Lost the basketball game by 23. Such is sports fandom.
Merry Christmas to you all!
This is all new content for me to see yet again. To purely respond to the strips themselves as shown here, this doesn’t strike me as that bad on the whole. The art is competent, the people involved aren’t cut & paste assets, most of the writing is appropriate to the subject matter. Really, the only things where I see the Batiukness shine through is the off handed and extremely tortured reference to Spiderman, and the conclusion. As stated by others prior here, it’s yet another case where The System Is To Blame so let’s just quit.
Thank you for taking the time to compile it all.
It is certainly more coherent and better put together than what we’ve been getting lately. It’s still cheap and maudlin, but at least it tells a story with some ebb and flow and multiple contrasting viewpoints all with a slightly different goal/personality. Lisa and Les and hard nosed experienced lawyer.
Act II was like watching weird reruns of Seventh Heaven or some other bland, topics driven, safe drama sitcom series of the 90’s.
This year of Cranky has been like watching an AI was fed a decades worth of Crankshaft and a months worth of Funky Winkerbean spit out nonsense in response to prompts.
Hey Chat GPT, What would happen if Mindy and Pete reopened Montoni’s? And stretch it out for two months.
Initially, I thought the “heightened senses” character was Spider-Man, but I’m now leaning towards Daredevil, based on the ending of the Miller/Mazzucchelli *Born Again” arc:
My name is Matt Murdock.
I was blinded by radiation. My remaining senses function with super-human sharpness.
I live in Hell’s Kitchen and do my best to keep it clean.
That’s all you need to know.
(*Daredevil* #233, “Armageddon,” page 30)
Matt Murdock is a better lawyer on his worst day than Lisa Moore ever was on her best.
I suspect that this would also be true for Matt’s fun-loving partner Franklin “Foggy” Nelson.
I can see the validity of both pro- and anti-capital punishment views.
What I can’t understand is why most stories that lean “against” capital punishment completely avoid telling the story of the victim’s family and loved ones.
You’d think this would be more convincing, focusing on only the prisoner’s suffering, but for me it’s the opposite. It un-persons the victim — which victimizes them and their loved ones even further. And that makes me feel more sympathy for the murdered person’s survivors. Poor Danny Madison’s kid — yes, I can buy that. But at least he got a trial, and an appeal, even if it was with a lawyer so crappy she would’ve been turfed out of Lionel Hutz’s law firm. The clerk he killed didn’t get a trial, and is not worthy of mention. The clerk’s mother, wife, children aren’t worthy of mention either. Some killings are a tragedy (like Danny’s execution); others…. meh. Whatever. Shit happens. People die. Wah, wah, wah. Gonna cry about it?
This is not intended as a screed about capital punishment. This is intended as a screed about weak, strawmanning, half-assed, glurgy storytelling. That, of course, is TB’s specialty.
Not to mention: Lisa jumped into a death penalty appeal and then fell apart at the seams when an execution unexpectedly happened. B!tch, what were you expecting? The Red Sea was gonna part for you? You’d go before the Supreme Court on your first case and they’d give you a Best Cinematography Oscar so Les’ Best Actress Oscar would make it a matched set?
Oh, and finally, the rancid icing on the rotten cake of it all: Yet another Faux-Profound Batiukism. “I wonder how thick a wall has to be to contain our fears.” Yes, that’s it. There aren’t any convicted murderers, rapists, serial killers, assassins, etc, in there. Just society’s “fears.” Cruel, bigoted, unjust society’s “fears.” Wow, man. Deep.
You said what I was going to say much better than I could have. The dime store Clarence Darrow makes no effort to get to know the family of the victim. He isn’t even given a name. All she sees is THE SYSTEM trying to kill her client. Meeting the man’s family would make that belief a lie and her a lazy and heartless failure obsessed with her stats.
If you went a thing about capital punishment that says something meaningful, you go to Dick Freaking Wolf: “It’s not enough…..it’s too much.” If you want something soft-headed and empathy-free, there’s always Batiuk.
There was a Susan Sarandon movie, “Dead Man Walking” i think, which did a pretty good job of telling the victims’ story as well. If you’d like to watch a decent version of this ham-handed 2003 FW Christmas story, i recommend it. (There’s one minor plot point that really damages the story though, much like Malcolm’s trolling of the “racist” store clerk.)
But yeah, if you’re going to become a criminal defense attorney – a process that takes years – you’d better get comfortable with what you’re going to be doing. Was this Lisa’s first case? Having done non-death penalty cases should have steeled her a little. Being in jail for 20 years is high-stakes enough.
And “don’t get emotionally invested in your clients” is something you should learn on Day 1 of law school. And if you’re so conflict-averse that you resign from your job by snail mail, maybe lawyering isn’t the career for you. Hell, Working retail isn’t the career for you.
It’s easy to infer that all of this made Lisa something less than competent at her job. So some of Danny’s blood is on her hands. Much like how some of Lisa’s blood is on Les’ hands, from his complete inability to make a decision, or even try to make one.
Not that Lisa cares; it’s always “the system’s” fault. The governor doesn’t want to free Danny because he’s up for re-election. Not because Danny’s a dirt-common murderer with no extenuating circumstances who deserves no special mercy.
It’s “no theory of mind” again. The world is supposed to care about Danny because he’s Lisa’s client. Batiuk can’t see that other people wouldn’t care – nor should they.
Blaming THE SYSTEM beats having to answer for being an idiot. Never did Lisa suspect what anything with a clue would: she was being played by a jerk.
“You can’t be the Walrus if they want you to be the System,” wrote Steve Gerber.
Regardless of whether the Walrus was (or wasn’t) Paul, John Lennon seemed to accept that he was John by the time he sang “God” in 1970.
Lisa had been working at a women’s legal aid clinic, but they had to shut down due to a lack of funding. But the woman who ran the clinic recommended Lisa for an opening in Ohio’s Public Defender’s office. And for her VERY FIRST CASE, on her VERY FIRST DAY, she was assigned to the Capital Appeals Division, due to them being understaffed and overworked. (I’ll be honest here; I know PDs are understaffed, underfunded, and overworked, but I have no idea if they would put someone with no criminal or appellate experience on a death penalty appeal on their very first day like that. She wasn’t the lead on the case, only assisting, so… maybe they would?)
So it wasn’t her first case exactly, but it was probably her first case of that type.
Worst part IMO. The guy she worked with was initially dismissive both of her gender and the fact she’d recently had a kid. Probably assuming that she would be too emotional to handle the work and wouldn’t be able to take enough time away from her family.
This is presented as an extremely sexist viewpoint. Lisa has to win him over with her skill and moxie.
And, in the end, the guy was right. She quits after the very first failed case, because she can’t handle it.
I totally agree. Someone is killed for no reason but we gotta make it all about Lisa.
Batty really does live in a fantasy world.
(this is a parody of “12 days of christmas”)
“On the 12th day of Funkymas, Ed Crankshaft gave to me”
“twelve or more years of Les wangsting about his dead wife”
“eleven years since Les climbed Kilimanjaro”
“ten years since Lisa’s death (from Act II to Act III)9
“nine years of Starbuck Jones”
“eight years since Masone Jarre first stepped foot in Cancerdeathville”
“seven deaths in Act II”
“six crossovers or mentions” (once from Pearls Before Swine, Monty, Dick Tracy and Shortpacked, and twice from Hi and Lois)
“FIVE FAKE OUT DEATHS” (three times from Wally Winkerbean, once from Phil Holt and Cory Winkerbean)
Four characters I actually like (Heather “Chien” Parks, Cody and Eric “Mooch” Myers and Wally Winkerbean)
“Three acts of Les/Harry L. Dinkle being loathsome”
“Two Creepy Twins”
“And a Free Kick in Les’s ‘Nads”
(Cs kicks Les in the groin, which causes him to crumple to the floor)
Les: HUMPH! SOME CHILDREN WERE LEFT BEHIND!
(Les waddles off slowly, and gets squashed by a boulder made out of coal)
Merry christmas to SOSF
Well Merry Christmas folks! Looks like Montoni’s rose from the ashes through the support and efforts of its regulars, not entirely unlike a favorite snark forum blog I’m familiar with.
For whatever it’s worth, I looked up the Orlando address in the final strip. It actually exists and houses “Reed Brennan Media Associates”. I assume they had some kind of business arrangement with Batty (or at least King Features), but didn’t confirm this.
Happy Boxing Day, all!
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but the ever-present Tiffany lamp is the worst, most drawn-out example of “Chekhov’s Gun” that I’ve ever seen.
A Tiffany pendant lamp in this condition would be worth about $500,000. Batiuk let us know ages ago that this was an authentic, signed Tiffany creation, but since then, it’s been treated as cavalierly as a discarded bit of Pizza Hut corporate decor.
In the right hands, this could be funny. And/or it could be tense. And/or it could say something about the priorities of the people involved. There’s a lot of potential in it.
But as it is, it’s just dumb, yet another shocking/startling/distracting reveal from TB that went nowhere, even after years of reappearing relentlessly.
No opening day festitvies yet, bidding our time with the re-redecorating for now.
Is it particularly blatant-looking how the My Father John Darling photo doesn’t even looked traced, but just cut-and-pasted from an old JD strip?
So the ‘Lord of Language’ uses “different than” rather than “different from”?
I know, yeah, of all the things to question in this sequence, that’s the detail that really bothers me.
There’s a certain karma to grammar-based mockery.
I notice many of the mistakes people make, both verbally and in writing, but I never say anything. It’s not my place to be a schoolmarm to other adults, my peers. Furthermore, who the hell cares if someone makes a mistake? “Close enough for jazz,” as my dad used to say.
Most of all, I know my own writing is far from perfect. Maybe I mispronounce or misuse a word; maybe my grammar is off; maybe I make a typo; maybe I have my facts wrong.
Those who pompously condescend to others (“it’s called writing” “it’s pronounced ‘ooltimuh TOOL-ay'”) will be the first ones gleefully skewered for the slightest mistake.
Tom Batiuk is the author of his own misfortune. He’s earned every bit of the criticism and mockery sent his way.
If I can understand something with bad grammar, I give it a pass.
I read FailBlog and Bored Panda every day. They do this bizarre censorship of…everything. A recent FailB had a post about “I have a co-worker who’s German, and his English still needs work. He uses the wrong words for phrases. My fave was when he said ‘This is a real [REDACTED] [REDACTED]!'”
You posted that? You cut out the whole point of the post? These guys have recently decided that there’s a word so rude, it cannot be said on a site that exists to make fun of rude people.
I hope you didn’t break your pearls clutching them. I used that word twice. Yes, you can’t say “rude” any more.
Every CS should end with [FOURTH PANEL WITH JOKE REDACTED].
This was supposed to have two pictures in it. I found a new use for the dialog in the 12-22-03 strip. Do images get stuck in the torso chute?
I have 2 in the chute right now. It’s chutes all the way down, man.
(now 3)
Sorry BTSplut, my man, I have freed your hilarity from the chute for now. Imma take ANOTHER look at the inscrutable inhuman code genies that run our filter.
I have freed your hilarity
I worked 45 years in retail. My skin is thick enough that if something doesn’t get posted, I just think “Well, that joke bombed” and learn from it. I generally mention the Chute only when others mention it, because it’s happening to more than me.
Also–I consider myself not hilarious, but “randomly amusing.”
WHERE MY GOL-DANGED “MILDLY AMUSING” PULITZER!?
I used to have difficulty with the torso chute until I took a karmic/holistic approach. If it is meant to be, my post will go through. If not, it wasn’t meant to be. The post was undoubtably flawed in some way.
Since then, I don’t believe any of my posts have gotten stuck. My mind and the code genies have become one. 🙏
The entirety of “Lisa’s Story”, told in three panels. Well done!
Thanks! I’m often struck by how poorly executed a lot of Batiuk’s strips are, even if you allow for the storytelling errors and mawkish sentimentality. Here’s another one I thought could be better:
This is way more effective than having Lisa describe what’s happening off-panel, like she’s Vin Scully at a table read. The singing needed to be in its own panel, because it deserved the focus, and because hearing him sing is more powerful. For the love of God, Tom, let things happen naturally sometimes!
Solid gold, BJr6K. Genius. If only TB had just slotted it in, we could all have been spared years of foot-dragging glurge.
I spent a few hours today catching up on Crankshaft on GoComics. Reading one Crankshaft strip a day requires a bit of resolve. Reading five days worth is a truly nauseating experience. This story arc, ‘The Return Montoni’s’ is totally repulsive. Cringing all the way through.
The reopening of Montoni’s is an unmitigated success. Why? Because it’s Mopey Pete. Funky, with a lifetime career of Pizza making, could no longer make a go of it. All Mopey Pete has to do is make a wish on the golden horseshoe up his backside, and good fortune is his. People who don’t even know Mopey Pete are coming out of the woodwork to shower him with gifts. Mopey Pete receives more gifts than Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, on the night of his birth. Ugh.
I’ve reached a new level of hatred for Mopey Pete. Never has an individual received so much and given so little in return. I want to sew a Mopey Pete doll and beat the ever loving sh*t out of it.