Happy Birthday Tom Batiuk!
I went back in my archives to see if ol Tom ever saddled one of his characters with his own birthday to celebrate. But I couldn’t find anyone with Pi Day, as their Cake Day. Really, I couldn’t find many places where he acknowledged the date even obliquely. Unless this Crankshaft strip from 2018 counts.
I hope all of us –those of us more critical of Tom as a person, and those of us more charitable– can at least come together in heartfelt wishes that Mr. Batiuk had a lovely day celebrating with family and friends. We’ve spent a lot of time over the last few months criticizing not only his work, but also his views and the way he presents them. And yet, I want for him nothing but happiness.
I got sucked into FunkySnark because of my own interests in storytelling. Like a mechanic taking apart a battered old jalopy to see just what makes those rattles, squeals, and knocks when it runs. I’m not ignoring that the old Ford Pinto rolling around on four bald tires was still serviceable to get a few people from point A to point B most days as long as no one tapped the bumper.
If I wanted to dissect a real unworkable, unredeemable, disasterpiece written by a pathologically insufferable madman I would have jumped over to Chickweed Lane long ago or Gil Thorp in 2022. But I would probably learn less. Because what makes the Funkyverse so fascinating to me is how much I understand what was attempted, what he was going for, and sympathize with the intent. I study it because it makes me better. You can learn a heck of a lot from ‘almost‘.
I said that Tom doesn’t often reference his own birthday. There was a weeklong arc back in 2017, coinciding with Batty’s 70th, that might have been him musing on the passing of another year. BillyTheSkink had the blogging duties seven years ago to take us through the famous, ‘Funky Walks Through An Abandoned House’. Arc. An arc that was, of course, based on a real dilapidated house as detailed in Tom’s blog.
I did a little research on the ‘painting’ in question, ‘Dakota Wheatfields’. It’s actually a lithograph, a type of printmaking. It’s by the American artist Joe Jones who lived from 1909 to 1963.
Joe Jones was a fascinating guy. The son of a St. Louis housepainter who left formal schooling in the eighth grade to join the family business, in his early years he was a stubborn radical, using paint as a form of protest. He tackled racism, environmentalism, economic inequality, and was an avowed communist. His early art was bright, colorful, passionate, political and angry.
However in 1942, he joined the War Art Unit, a group of American Artists run under the military and sent to different theatres of World War II to record the conflict through art. Jones was sent to record the experiences of the Alaskan Territorial Guard, and his time there with other artists, especially Henry Varnum Poor, forever changed his style, to pastel landscapes and prints, more delicate, gentle, impressionist and airy, influenced by Japanese landscape painting. Like Batiuk’s referenced piece, this art wasn’t as political, done for the pure joy of creating. If you wanna know more about Jones, I’d suggest this PDF from an exhibition of his art put on around the same time Funky was trespassing in a murder shack.
Looking at ‘Dakota Wheatfields’ as it really is, I wonder why the message Batiuk decided to get from it was so fatalistic and nihilistic? He looks at a bountiful harvest, a vast expanse of sky, a home, a church, and sees nothing that will last? Nothing eternal? The green is even leached out of the real work for the comic, turning a farm into a desert.
Batiuk at 70 understood that his own art and work, his own dreams and plans and pride, were pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. He understood that like his own body, his Funkyverse was doomed to decay and someday both would be forgotten. I think that’s what he was trying to say in that dumb meandering week in 2017, and he’s not wrong. But it’s just so darn bleak. It negates the self, deletes human-centric meaning, to replace it with nothing but a shrug.
Funky mopes alone in that ramshackle forgotten old house, looking at a picture without really seeing it.
Happy Birthday Indeed.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Not sure if this is off-topic or not, but today’s Komix Korner describing Eric Carmen’s first album cover as “classy” told me a lot. I know that “classy” is a slippery term and I am not here to judge the late Mr. Carmen’s legacy. But – “classy”?
Beat me to it.
And speaking of classy, Batiuk just can’t help himself … in his piece praising Eric Carmen, he ends it with the highest possible praise of all: Eric Carmen’s influence on Lisa’s Story.
Yeah, I can hear Les playing Never Gonna Fall in Love Again and All By Myself for years after Lisa’s passing. They’re perfect for him.
Fabulous tunes, though. Eric Carmen left us some great ones! It was years before I realized that a couple of Shaun Cassidy’s biggest hits were penned by Eric. Hey Deanie and That’s Rock and Roll were BIG during my grade school days. That’s Rock and Roll still makes me smile and gets me dancing to this day. Sometimes you gotta find joy in the little things…
Eric Carmen was very talented. But that cover — on every level possible — is freakin’ atrocious. Atrocious.
For an Art major educated in the much vaunted, hallowed, highly esteemed and august Kent State University, he sure has a terrible eye. Jesus.
Batiuk doesn’t seem to distinguish between the cover and the contents. He likes the music, so the cover is automatically genius. He’d rave about the cover of The Phantom Empire if such a thing existed.
Maybe I’m just tired, or maybe it’s a sign of my fundamentally disturbed mind, but I read “Eric Carmen” as “Eric Cartman” and immediately could hear him singing about Kyle’s mom.
Anyhoo, here’s hoping Batty had a spectacular birthday with a good many more to come.
Summer’s dad’s a bitch. He’s a big fat bitch. He’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
“Scroo you guys. I’m goin’ to Montoni’s.”
Cartman: Screw you guys, I’m going to Montoni’s and I’m going to beat that fat blowhard who runs the fuckin’ place.
(Cartman beats up Funky and calls him many degrading names, before Wally blows Cartman’s brains out with a sawed-off shotgun)
The problem with the sort of performative nihilism that’s slowly rotted away at the strip is that it’s, well, kind of stupid really. He thinks that he’s a nobody destined to be forgotten because he was talked out of valuing the things he was good at by people whom he found impressive. He didn’t really have it in him to be the Nordic figure he saw as being cool….which is why the bleak romantic tragedy was simply an idiot plot.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Crankshit: (sigh) I guess it’s never gonna come. (starts melodramatically whining) OH, WOE IS ME! LIFE IS JUST A ENDLESS TORTURE SESSION! (Crank gets flattened by a piano)
Related to the Batiukverse: What are the Batiukverse’s characters deadly sin?
I’ll start with a few
Cindy: Envy
Dick Facey and Dinkle: Pride
Mooch: Sloth
Linda McSadsack: Lust (especially in 2014)
Reasonings for my choices for the batiukverse’s people’s deadly sins
The link didn’t work so
I’m hoping this works
Where does Lust for Lisa fit into this?
the people who wanted to make Lust for Lisa: Greed
Related to both FW and Saint Patricks Day (Or as I call it, Excuse to Drink Because Most of America has Forgotten The Reason Why We Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day Day): A parody strip i made almost a year ago
[Batiuk] looks at a bountiful harvest, a vast expanse of sky, a home, a church, and sees nothing that will last?
No, because he never looks at anything and sees something that will last. The man seems to have no passions or interests in life. Except one thing. And we all know what that is.
Comic books.
Not even all comic books, just the very particular subset of comic books he approves of. Comic books, and all the paraphenelia associated with making them and buying them, are the only thing in the world of any value to him. And he’s crazy passionate about them. Everything else is a dead letter to him. When he tries to write about anything else, like politics, literature, family, friends, or even his own life, it feels brief and obligatory.
And it’s why he can’t tell a story. He just can’t see why people would be passionate about anything other than his comic books. Or other things that happened to him personally, like having cancer.
Which puts his endless fight with his mother into perspective. She didn’t want to take away his comic books; she wanted him to broaden his horizons just a teensy bit, or at least get some age-appropriate interests. He resisted it as if he were being forced to change religions, and made this conflict the defining part of his identity. Talk about missing the point!
C’mon, now … that’s not entirely fair.
He also really, really likes The Phantom Empire.
You’re right – there are a few random things he seems to latch on to and obsess about. But he just ignores everything that doesn’t so that.
CBH’s great posting above, as well as this week’s truly pathetic series of Crankshaft strips, reminds me that Tom once spent a glacially-paced, entertainment-free week on someone opening a letter.
Just by coincidence, today I happened to be reading a Calvin and Hobbes collection given to me as a gift.
In it, there’s a sequence of strips in which it takes nearly a week to open a letter. It’s genuinely hilarious, suspenseful, and charming. It starts here:
https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1987/01/19
I wouldn’t say he “once” spent a week on someone opening a letter, because it was actually twice. (Boy Lisa opening the letter from the adoption agency regarding his birth mother, and Linda opening the letter from the NFL.)
Thanks for that link – I didn’t remember that one. And yes, it’s hilarious in the Abbott-and-Costello way C&H sometimes was, but always in character. So I kept on clicking forward through the strips, of course, and quickly came to the legendary, brilliant, heartbreaking raccoon story – a mere six weeks later. Wow.
With all his talk about comix over the decades, he still hasn’t answered the question on everyone’s mind: What about his molecules? Did Flash #123 or any of the contemporary books have any effect on his molecules? We’re left to assume that his molecules remained arranged as they had been all along. I don’t know why he’s so damn reticent on the topic of his molecular arrangement, but I guess he’s just kind of guarded that way. Oh, well, I guess we’ll never know.
The telling word he uses when challenged on his narrow range of appealing things is ‘bullying’. When people want a story that goes somewhere and accomplishes something, they’re bullying him. When his mother wants him to expand his horizons, she’s bullying him because she hates him. We’re supposed to slobber over someone who’s just plain given up on life and love him for his cowardly refusal to see how ridiculous he looks.
I really liked most of the “Funky Walks Through An Abandoned House” arc, until the disturbing end. It reminded me of exploring old farmhouse foundations and abandoned cars in the fields behind my house when I was a little boy. But at the end it turned nihilistic with Funky musing that “all of our proud plans don’t change a thing.” Ecclesiastes looks at human futility and warns about vanity. Shelley’s “Ozymandias” looks at our temporality and warns about hubris. But Funky just gives us a void that no recent philosopher, no matter how cynical, would recognize. Because every person lives a life that do “change things” whether teaching students, growing crops, repairing cars, or sweeping streets. The arc ended up in a bad place without redemption.
Remember Summer’s great epiphany on the diving board in the middle of winter, that inspired her to write the book that redefined humanity as our nation: “We have the power to flip the script.”
In a world where “I have agency” is an earth-shattering revelation, Funky’s pointless, nihilistic defeatism makes perfect sense. These people see no value in anything, not even their own lives.
In a world where “I have agency” is an earth-shattering revelation, Funky’s pointless, nihilistic defeatism makes perfect sense. These people see no value in anything, not even their own lives.
I’ll bet that if anyone would threaten to kill Summer/Ed Crankshaft/Wally Winkerbean, they’d demand the person to immediately kill them (especially wally)
Nah, these people are also far too self-absorbed to be suicidal.
I feel like Wally, Chien and Les are suicidal (Chien was heavily bullied, Wally’s life until marrying Rachel was pure anguish, and Les was forever broken after Lisa died)
Susan attempted suicide twice after being rejected by les, she might have attempted a third time, but that time she succeeded in ending her life
Wally and Susan I’ll give you, since they actually showed signs of ideation. But I think Susan’s suicide attempts were designed to fail, if you know what I mean. I don’t know about Chien. But Les? He’d never kill the person he loves more than anyone else on earth – himself.
In retrospect, “Funky walks through an abandoned house” was one of the more interesting and challenging (in a good way) story arcs I tackled as guest author. It was unique and esoteric, not really in good ways but in ways that provided a good canvas for creative snark and engaging discussion about just what TB thought he was doing (and how it didn’t rise to the level of the Garfield‘s 1989 Halloween arc regardless).
The Funky Visits A Old Abandoned House Plotline is one of the most nihilistic stories in all of comic book history
Well, the nail-biting “Ed Waits for a UPX Delivery of Beans End Merchandise” saga just came to an end this morning (3/16), and as a capstone strip I have to say that Saturday’s joke…wasn’t that bad. I did find it mildly amusing in that “Clark Kent winks at the camera” Fleischer Superman cartoon manner.
Even so, just imagine how much more effective this could have been if Batiuk had compressed the six days of inaction into a single Sunday strip. But, I guess when you have a contract to supply 52 weeks of a comic called “Crankshaft,” you’ve got to try to work him into it every once in a while.
In Classic FBorFW, we’re going somewhere: Mike howling in rage and fear because his girlfriend has agency. In Luann, we’re going somewhere: having Clancy Brown chuckle “Oh-ho-ho! You can hear it, can’t you? TICK-TICK-TICK! Toni’s biological clock! TICK-TICK-TICK!!”
Here, we stand at a doorway watching an old guy buy too much gardening paraphenalia.
I would have enjoyed seeing porch pirate Lillian stealing the package Ed was so anxiously waiting for. It would dispel readers’ impression that Lillian is “a sweet, respectable, and well-meaning lady.” 🙄🤢🤮
Lillian’s current portrayal as Batiuk’s technology-challenged writer avatar is beyond stale. I’d like to see the character return to her roots as a victim of Ed’s many shenanigans.
Crankshaft: Hey, Lillian. Have you seen my new flamethrower drone from Bean’s End? Allow me to get rid of those weeds in your vegetable garden.
*** FWOOOOSSHHH ***
Lillian: (SCREEECCH)! YOU FOOL! YOU’VE RUINED MY GARDEN!!!
I think Lillian suffering for ruining Lucy’s life would be great, too
BTW, there is such thing as a drone with a flamethrower. Mr. bwoeh knew of this, because of course he wants one.
Crankshaft: Hey, Lillian. Have you seen my new flamethrower drone from Bean’s End? Allow me to get rid of those weeds in your vegetable garden.
*** FWOOOOSSHHH ***
Lillian: (is reduced to cinders)
YAY!!!
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Crankshaft: Thank god you’re here! If you spent one more minute that wasn’t getting your ass here, I WOULD’VE GONE APESHIT AND WENT ON A HUNT FOR YOU.
Meanwhile in Big Nate: It looks like Naphine (what fans of Big Nate call Nate and Daphine’s relationship) is going to end, whenever Nate, Big Nate fans and Daphine like it or not (They dont)
TB’s recent blogpost reminded me… didn’t he say that when he was attending Kent State he once cut class to go buy some “cool” rock album? Because I remember having a debate here about what soft-rock, whitebread album it must have been.
The first album by the Raspberries (Eric Carmen’s band) didn’t come out till ’72, so that couldn’t have been it. And the Raspberries were legit power pop — I think of them as proto-glam — so they were actually cool.
Another fun fact: Eric Carmen was Cleveland-born and Ohio-bred. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons for TB’s fandom.
TB seems to like to mention Akron bands, and yet there’s one he’s never mentioned: Chrissie Hynde/The Pretenders. This despite the fact that one of her best-known songs, “My City Was Gone,” is an elegy for Akron’s lost past. Seems like it should be right in TB’s wheelhouse. And she operated a vegan restaurant in Akron for a while too. An environmentalist like TB should have been enthusiastic about that, at least in principle.
Writing about Akron rock and not mentioning Hynde is like writing about Athens, GA in the 80s and not namechecking R.E.M., or talking about the Liverpool/Merseybeat scene and avoiding mentioning the Beatles. Strange.
I’m not sure that he realizes that she’s from Akron.
Possible. While Chrissie’s from Akron, the band isn’t. She moved to England, set up a life for a few years as a music journalist, and then founded the band from there with all-British players.
Also possible: Chrissie and co. came along a decade too late to tap into Tom’s music tastes. The Pretenders didn’t hit until Tom was already well into his thirties, and was working and raising a family. He probably didn’t connect with current pop music by that juncture — a person’s music tastes (in general) tend to be set by their early twenties.
Has he ever mentioned Devo? That’d be the other Akron musical institution. Again, a band that wouldn’t have really broken through until Tom was in his thirties.
Given how easy it would have been to make childish asides at their expense and the lack thereof, I would tend to say that Devo doesn’t impinge on his awareness either.
He does have a way of conspicuously omitting things he doesn’t like. He never mentions the NFL, but he keeps name-dropping a CFL team for some reason. Why? Probably because dumb jocks and brain damage, but how is Canadian football any better in this regard? If Batiuk wanted to criticize the NFL for its handling of CTE sufferers, he had a perfect avenue to do that in Bull’s suicide story. But he didn’t take it. Apparently he’d rather we guess what he’s upset about, which is a well-known tactic of narcissists.
I don’t see them as being a good fit myself. The Bombers tend to win championship games.
Enjoyed this essay, even if I haven’t said anything about it yet.
It is bemusing as far as another example of Batiuk applying his IRL experiences into the strip, but it is lukewarm when it only becomes a week worth of content (with even a good third of it just being silent padding of “artistic” movement). That he uses it also to shout-out to some painting that wasn’t there but he’s always liked is amusing, and just ending it on the utter nihilism that Funky personally kinda became notorious for with his bad luck streak just makes the thing a lukewarm bummer that doesn’t really feel as meaningful as intended for sure.
I can’t help but think of what Tom actually got out of his IRL exploration as far as what the house’s last occupants may’ve left behind, what their story was. Certainly doesn’t translate to much when all Funky’s adventure ends is with a painting, which is a mix of analyzing the artist’s intent and whatever the homeowners felt with hanging it up. What “meaningless” dreams did Funky see in them having the painting up? Is it somehow just generally representative of human ambition that can be seen in a painting of a wheat field?
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Tom, why are you talking about Rocky beating Crankshit’s record?
related to Saint Patrick’s Day (I posted this image two days ago because I forgot St. Patrick’s Day was on the 17th)
I’m the new guy here, not having discovered SoSF until the Uncle Lumpy link on CC. Before then, I was reading the strips, but not thinking about them much. They just ran off my back like water off of a duck, or smarm off of Les. (Apologies to any waterfowl readers)
Yesterday CC mentioned “GOT THE REFERENCE!” I actually do *not* get the reference. So I looked at his link, and the mysterious Da Vinci Code was…Dick Tracy?
What? That’s it? Did the rest of the audience just stare blankly? Would they have done the same if the famous detective was Batman, or Sherlock Holmes, or the Murder She Wrote lady? Maybe. Me, “I got the ref!” is something I say after pausing a 1991 MST3K for 5 minutes, because it’s about some ad campaign or news story from 1991, or it’s “We was–too late!”*
How about “I became Detective Chimp!” which is an old DC character that either Tom lurvs since it’s stupid and old, or hates because it doesn’t Respect the Art that was minted during the Julius Schwartz “GIANT PURPLE GORILLA!” phase.
It just amazes how Tom thinks his audience is either mind readers of what is in his head right now (what IS Jeff’s humunculous?!), or so stupid that they need to be told for DAYS that Crank is waiting for a UPKKK package? (“Where are my pointy hoods with tiny eyeholes?!”) We all know everything he says from years ago, or nothing from yesterday. I’m gonna go out on a limb here–His strips are dying because he hates his own readers. Fuckers don’t even know Ralph Dibny!!
*Said by Crow in a Joel ep. It took me 3 days in the pre-net era to figure it out. It’s Python. THE BISHOP: “NO, Vic! Don’t say the name!” Vicar: “I now name you Luigi Fricotti–” KABOOM! and Cleese goes flying through the roof. THE BISHOP: “We was–too late! The Revered Grundy bit the ceiling!”
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
The fastest speed achived by a human is 28 MPH, and Crankshaft’s bus usually moves at speeds between 20-60 MPH
So, The Little Johnson Girl’s Mother’s moving at speeds between 67 to 70 MPH, which is only achievable in fiction (like Marvel and DC)
Still Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Ed: Can you give my bus a speed boost?
Mechanic: Here. (hands Crankshaft a pair of Sonic’s shoes)
Meanwhile in Big Nate: Looks like Daphine is breaking up with Nate, and the Big Nate fans are going to be distraught for months
It’s already been established that the Flash Museum exists in the Batiukverse, so clearly Grandma Johnson is tapping into the Speed Force (something different folk seemed to be doing every other week on the 2010s “Flash” TV series).
Was today’s strip funny? No. Did it make sense? no. But at least it wasn’t Comic Books, Montoni’s Pizza, or Harry Dinkle. I can get behind an unamusing “Crankshaft” that is just CS and not FW.
Yes, this week we’re back to classic Crankshaft, where Ed engages in behavior that should have resulted in loss of his driving privileges years ago, with probable legal action.
It might be funny if Crankshaft were depicted as a doddering old Mr Magoo type who was oblivious to all the destruction he was leaving in his wake, but instead we see him as someone who is actively developing new ways to endanger the kids, parents, and the general public. We’re expected to see him as endearing, while at the same time we’re expected to have animosity towards Lena, who has always had good intentions, but failed in her execution.
Related to the Batiukverse: Fanart I Made
Wally and John get into an argument
Eric “Mooch” Myers
Wally Winkerbean
There’s The Flash (Barry Allen and/or Jay Garrick), Kid Flash, Reverse Flash, Fat Flash, and countless others I’ve never heard of or read about.
Introducing Granny Flash, a.k.a. The Funkyverse Flash. As is typical, the Funkyverse version of anything is the lamest. Granny Flash, a card-carrying member of the Geriatric League of Superheroes.
Sometime this week, she’ll run into a telephone pole after blowing out a fuzzy slipper. Top that weak joke, TB. I dare you.
My money is on never seeing Grandma Johnson at all this week. TB, the master of tell, don’t show.