So What Does It All Mean?

48 thoughts on “So What Does It All Mean?”

1. Today’s Funky Crankerbean

   Crankshaft: My dad died on 1955, and he was around 60 years old. I’m 104 years old.

   Ralph is missing, having died on 2020, and George is looking rather forlorn

2. It would earnestly be fun if post-end Funky gets back more into the Act 1 whimsy. In some ways I could almost see it as roundabout if the path to the Burnings future ends up being somewhat comical/ludicrous in some fashion, but hard to say if modern Crankyshaft can manage that effectively. It’s true that canon has never firmly been important and that’s left plenty of room for critiquing, but with what he was trying to do with drama it was just painting a target for snark. Trying to take it more lax now may be too little too late, but at least it should be a bit more entertaining.

   Also today’s Crankshaft is surprisingly good looking in coloring and shading. I have the gut feeling that Davis may’ve just ripped off a whole Ayers strip wholesale and just edited in new dialogue.

3. Is the Funkyverse trying to be fun again?

   Guess that depends on how much ‘fun’ the upcoming Burnings are….

4. What the arc with Pete means is that he’s a stereotype made flesh. What the time travel arc means is that nostalgia is a time helmet away.

5. FYI, part seven to the “First Time” is up on Batiuk’s blog. It’s a full color Sunday comic. It seems Rob Ro and his colors finally made it.

   1. 

      1. So for their anniversaries, they give each Mounds bars and salad dressing. (Hopefully not be used together, but I’m not ruling it out.)

         Probably better than eating a Montoni’s pizza (which… they don’t appear to have done so far, actually).

      2. Meh. It’s still basically pointless drivel, but here I can see he’s trying to give it an ending.

         Incidentally, I’m assuming Batiuk got some sweet, sweet product placement money for that prominent Mounds bar. I’m also assuming the money was paid to him by the Mars bar people.

         1. Probably the same he got paid for that very realistic Defender cabinet: nothing. Batiuk loves his K-Mart realism, even at the same time he changes product names to avoid infringement (Defenders, McArnolds), or to insult them (Mega Comics, Fleabay). Lord knows why.

            Since they’ve been talking playing “Defenders” all week, shouldn’t this be a “Mound” bar?

            1. I honestly can’t tell if Batiuk is intentionally calling Defender by the wrong name, or if he (sometimes) thinks the game was actually called Defenders. It’s really hard to say.

               (But in this strip, he gets the Defender name right, as well as the name of the Mounds bar. Does that mean anything? Who knows?)

            2. I wonder if TB’s predilection for misnaming the game as “Defenders” is perhaps some localized slang/verbal tic that he had or heard back when the game was new and doesn’t realize was uncommon for nearly everyone else. Maybe I’m stretching to be nice here…

               For an example, where I’m from in southeast Texas, Kroger is one of the major grocery chains… but growing up I often heard (and hear even today from some older longtime residents) the chain called “Kroger’s”. Why? Not sure anyone knows for sure but it likely goes to back about 70 years to when Kroger entered the area by purchasing a local chain called Henke & Pillot. Henke & Pillot was often called “Henke’s” by locals and eventually started using this name in advertising and when Kroger acquired the chain they even changed the logo to say “Henke’s”. About 10 years after the purchase, Kroger phased out the Henke & Pillot brand in favor of the Kroger name but it seems that many local residents struggled to lose the possessive as the rebrand took place… Thus, “Kroger’s”. That’s one theory anyways. In fact, there are a handful of old advertisements where the store is referred to as “Kroger’s”.

               But today, if I called the store “Kroger’s”, everyone who isn’t an 83 year old from Bellaire, TX would look at me like I’m a buffoon. As they probably should. Doubly so if I ever talked about playing Defenders at Kroger’s.

            3. We have Kroger where I live, but it’s called Baker’s. It has a couple other different names in different parts of the country, like Dillon’s. I guess these are also chains Kroger bought, but kept the old name of for some reason.

               I never heard anyone call the game “Defenders” in my life. If anything, people didn’t talk about it at all, because of its scary control panel. It took time for gamers to warm up to it. By then, calling it “Defenders” would have been as obviously wrong as “Space Invader.”

      3. Mounds?! Crazy doesn’t feel like a nut?

         Not buying that for a second…

   2. Years ago, back in the ‘60’s, my folks hosted a family reunion. Everyone was there at noon except my Dad’s favorite cousin, Louie. For many summers Dad spent several weeks on his farm. Watching live chickens being made into dinner, turned my Dad against fried chicken the rest of his life. So not seeing Louie again, bummed my Dad out. But just after 2pm, Louie and his family arrived. You could her Dad shouting, “Louie’s here! Louie’s here!” Dad ran up the stairs shouting this several times.
      Why the anecdote?
      Be Ware of Eve Hill’s back!
      Be Ware of Eve Hill’s back!
      (and I am glad!)

      1. Thank you, but I never really went anywhere from SoSF. Even if I don’t post comments, I still read the blogs. If you ever wonder, check for my name and avatar in the “like” section. I haven’t posted much here lately due to a certain lack of enthusiasm to comment on “Crankshaft.” As a former fan of the strip, I can no longer tolerate watching the cartoonist sodomize it with elements of late-era Funky Winkerbean. The appearance of Timemop was the last straw.

         Timemop: Squeal like a pig, Ed. Dur hur hur!

         It’s the Crankshaft discussion on GoComics that I bailed from. In GoComics terms, I unfollowed Crankshaft. The strip is no longer in my feed. Won’t read it. Can’t stand it. Don’t want it.

         On the way out I was reminded of an obscure snarker’s law that says I can’t return once I unfollow the strip—some kind of happy horseshit about setting an example for the finger-waggers or something. Beats me. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

         The Funky Winkerbean ‘Untold Story’ this week allowed us to snark on something that wasn’t Crankshaft. It was fun. It’s almost like old times when SoSF was about Funky Winkerbean snark. I was so happy to see a name or two that hasn’t been in the comments for a while.

         Good night, Gerard Plourde, wherever you are. Please drop us a line sometime.

         1. I agree that Cranky has gotten pretty grim. The art has suffered so much in the switchover from Kings, and I’m not sure exactly what to ascribe it to, as Davis era Cranky has always been a paste job. Maybe the coloring monkeys?

            We’ve got some old retro content coming up. So hopefully you’ll have something silly to snark on here!

            1. Dan Davis did a fairly good job on Crankshaft in 2017 when he first took over from Chuck Ayers. I think after about a year, Batiuk Fatigue Syndrome kicked in and Davis started mailing it in.

               I was reading through the Crankshaft archive on Sunday, specifically from the year 2011. I found the middle of September particularly enjoyable, as it featured a storyline where Lillian was haunted by the spirit of her sister Lucy. I’ll admit, the plot involving the letter from Lucy to Eugene was a bit silly, but this story arc had plenty of humor and a touch of sadness. Nice to see a guilty conscience catch up to Lillian. This storyline extended from the middle of September to the middle of October. Whatever happened to that Tom Batiuk?

               Looking forward to your featured retro content. Thanks.

         2. i’m glad to see you again too, BWOEH.

            1. Thanks.

               I enjoyed reading your critique of Batiuk’s many gift shops today.

               Les and Lisa: Let’s be friends! 🤢🤮

               The ship has sailed, but I still think Batiuk would have been sitting on a goldmine with a Les Moore stress doll. Complete with removable head and limbs.

               Batiuk: Yes, Ms. bwoeh. How many many Les Moore stress dolls would you like?

               Me: Twelve.

6. I still have to ask if that well has been poisoned, though. Assuredly, we should welcome a return to whimsy and vaudeville slapstick, because we have 40+ years of documented history showing that he is incapable in delivering serious content in a consistent tone, as well as completely incapable of actually presenting and handling conflict. If he’s going to keep making strips and not be held to any kind of quality standard, they should at least attempt to be good.

   Yesterday, I went glancing through the CS past and found a week where Ed was out mowing the lawn, then he wanted to use that lawnmower to remove an errant low hanging branch from the side of the tree. He gave it a shot. The mower did cut the branch, but then it ran up and got stuck up in the tree, like a cat. The fire department was called in for assistance. It’s all whimsical nonsense if you think about it for more than a half second, and that’s not the problem – the problem is now that Tom has spent years of his life making content where he insists that you should think about it for more than a half second. I could foresee commentary on a week like that today having responses along the lines of “well, at least it isn’t comix or Dinkle, but this is still pretty stupid, particularly coming from Mr. Gag-A-Day-Strips-Are-Beneath-Me Batuik”, and I think responses like that would be valid.

   How FW and CS are received would be completely different today if Tom Batiuk never said anything about it.

   1. Part of my issue with what FW became had to do with Batiuk’s annoying smugness about his “tonal shift”. He often implied that what he was doing before was lowbrow, stupid, and even beneath him. And that implied that people who liked it were easily-amused imbeciles. And I have always vehemently disagreed, as I have always believed it takes more work and more ability to be funny 365 times a year than it does to chew up weeks at a time with reptetive dialog and cheesy stories that are all premise, and never go anywhere. Any halfwit can throw together those dumb premises, but it takes effort to put together coherent jokes, even premise-based jokes.

      For example, Les climbing the rope in gym class and making five jokes while he’s up there requires more effort than Les climbing the rope, talking about climbing the rope, then snidely complaining about climbing the rope (on Saturday).

      1. Except “Les climbing the rope” would never be shown.

      2. It’s the annoying smugness that makes it all so fascinating. This crappy comic strip wouldn’t be nearly as interesting if the creator didn’t take himself so damned seriously, while also being completely oblivious. Like a lot of bad webcomics, it’s a window into a deeply warped mind.

      3. Epicus nailed it. Not only does Batty think the gag a day stuff is lowbrow, he also thinks that if he shoehorns in cancer, interracial marriage, or a Muslim person that it instantly brings depth and realism to his strip. Those things can do that, but only if you tell a good story. Instead he pats himself on the back for being bold while desperately chasing recognition and awards.

         His best known character did not come from his misery strips, rather it came from the lighter Act 1 strips. And this is because Dinkle fit in with the act 1 silliness. None of his later characters felt real at all and this is why Lisa needed to be pushed on us all the time. She just didn’t resonate with anyone, nor did Les.

         1. Like everything else in the Funkyverse, the “prestige arcs” do nothing but restate the premise over and over. There is no plot, character, stakes, tension, or emotion.

            1. I’ve always called most of his long, drawn-out arcs “prestige arcs”, but that’s not entirely accurate. The true prestige arcs are, of course, the ones he did solely for “mainstream attention”, that typically center around some sort of “timely issue” or that deviate from “typical comic strip fare” in a shock-value sort of way.

               For example, the Holly Starbuck Jones collection arc was definitely a mega-arc (any story arc longer than two weeks IMO), but that wasn’t a real prestige arc. Cayla and Les first getting together, the gay prom, the drivel with Wally, Adeela and the tornado siren…those were prestige arcs, the ones Batiuk would inevitably mention during his annual puff interview with the Medina Bee or whatever.

               Then you had the ultra-mega arcs, like the infamous book launch tour-option arc, that itself contained multiple sub-mega arcs, and went on for years. In that one alone you had Ghost Lisa as Les’ therapist, Les petrified over selling out, Cayla sexually assaulting Les, Susan sexually assaulting Les, air travel beefs, attacks on the publishing industry AND Hollywood, and a bunch of other crap I’ve blotted from my memory.

               And they do indeed all have one key thing in common: repeating the premise over and over, and never going anywhere until they (maybe) reach some sort of weak, cripplingly stupid resolution. I remember entire weeks where BatYam did nothing but rehash the premise six times. And sometimes he’d even do it again on Sunday. The guy couldn’t storytell his way out of a soggy paper lunch bag.

7. To say nothing of how they got Timemop’s space helmet back, after we saw Harry and Donna throw it away and a cat disappear into it, presumably taking the helmet somewhere else in time.

   I think the cat ended up in the area where the War Doctor regenerated into the Ninth Doctor

8. Today’s Funky Crankerbean

   Wally runs up to Mopey Pete and gives him the worst atomic wedgie known to mankind

   Meanwhile in Big Nate/Nathaniel Wright Is a Narcissistic Jerk With A Heart of Jerk:

   Ha ha its funny because Nate is a terrible friend

   1. Still Today’s Funky Crankerbean

      The Daily Bleak

      Local Piece of Shit Kick Streamer Gets Critically Injured By Grill, Whole World Cheers

      (Does anyone here know anything about Jack Doherty?)

9. Tom Batiuk doesn’t acknowledge criticism, parodies of his work, or its reputation for bleakness. But I bet he’s well aware of all this, and this week we’re seeing his answer. His first “new original Funky story” was a good-natured Act I flashback, instead of one of his usual agendas.

   I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. I don’t think he’s trying to repair his reputation or change impressions. I think by virtue of the way he’s producing this, he’s not going to have any new developments. He’s not going to establish any new continuity. No one’s going to die. No one’s going to get cancer. No one’s going to get a new job or get married or make a movie. It’s just going to be a rough rehash of something that he’s already done. He didn’t develop this idea to tell new stories. It’s all going to be a look back.

   It’s too insignificant to do something significant with it.

   1. i think these are two different things. Yes, he’s rehashing old stories because he’s old and tired, and because it’s all he ever did in the first place. But so far he’s rehashing the fun stuff, not Les and Dead Lisa Who Died. We’ll see what the Burnings turn out to be, though. This may be a calm before the storm.

      1. I don’t think it’s a conscious choice to rehash “fun stuff” versus the “serious stuff”. I think the manner in which he’s doing this prevents him from doing something weightier. It’s never going to be something that you need to remember to put his characters in context.

         All throughout the time this site has been discussing the strip, he’s had throwaway weeks. He’s had weeks about Funky’s Discman, or Becky teaching a dumb child, or Dinkle writing puns about Claude Barlow, or Les making fun of his students. He starts it on Monday. It goes until Sunday and by the following Monday, if you’ve forgotten about it, it won’t matter.

         He’s not doing it to repair his legacy, or even address it. It’s just throwaway crap. For however long he does this, it’ll just be the equivalent of Phil and Flash talking about comics, wrapped up with a Sunday strip that’s a mocked up comic cover. He won’t bring up Lisa, or Bull’s suicide, because no matter how awful and crappy those stories were, they’re not throwaway crap. They were supposed to mean something.

         This crap isn’t supposed to mean anything. After all, the most intriguing thing about this week’s strips is why Summer was at Crazy’s house talking the setup with Maddie, and it’s way more likely than not that Batiuk needed two characters and just chose his favorite and Crazy and Donna’s daughter. There wasn’t any thought put into the logic of that setup. Coming up with a logical setup is more work than he’s willing to put into this.

10. RE: The 7/2 Surprisingly Ed-Filled C’Shaft:

    So, Batiuk is now using his sole remaining comic strip to shill ill-conceived merch costing him storage locker fees somewhere in Ohio? Be sure to buy two aprons to beat the holiday (by which I mean the Lisa’s Legacy run) rush.

    1. Not sure he will sell many of those but I have to say it is kind of cute and totally appropriate merchandise for this kind of strip.

       I always saw Batty as the type of guy who thought this kind of thing was just crass consumerism.

       1. Hence the apologetic note on his site. BJr6K posted excerpts from it, and it gives off the following vibe:

          “Others have insisted we try this stupid thing, so I guess I’ll indulge them and put a few of these items up for sale. Buy them if you must. An outside supplier is making and distributing them, so don’t whine to me if they’re not to your liking. Personally, I’m kinda washing my hands of the whole affair.”

11. Today’s Funky Crankerbean

    The Daily Bleak

    Loser Writer Named Mopey McMopester Gets Face Burned Off, Stands Back Up, Smirks, And Walks Away

    Also, why is Crankshaft wearing Crankshaft merch? It should be The Wrinkles (in-universe Crankshaft) merch

    1. Crankshaft is indeed wearing Crankshaft merch. Get your Cranky apron today! Only $34.96 plus tax and shipping!

       1. Batiuk’s own “merch” page practically apologizes for itself. “Over the years there’s been requests for t-shirts and other merchandise… so I’m finally giving it a shot. We’re going to start off small with a little Crankshaft and see how it goes.” This is why Tom needs an editor: to tell him this is not what you say on your merch page.

          Much like the Dead Lisa books, it’s just not crap nobody wants, it’s expensive crap nobody wants. At least the “attractive leather slipcase” was a misguided attempt to give the book some unearned gravitas. This is just cheap, overly narrow junk from a mass-market custom printer. You’d think a nationally syndicated strip could secure a better manufacturer then the new cafepress.com.

          I think it’s yet another thing Batiuk is doing because he’s mimicking what good comic strips do. Not because he has any goals for it, or any idea why he’s doing it.

          1. It isn’t even like this is the only time there’s been Funkyverse merch. There is still that Cafepress website, listed under ‘kingfeatures15’ where you can buy early Act II merch.

             And, according to the great ‘Mudge himself, this merch is ‘official’.

             https://www.cafepress.com/profile/kingfeatures15

             kingfeatures10 for Beetle Bailey

             kingfeatures12 for Lockhorns

             kingfeatures13 for Marvin

             kingfeatures14 for Zits

             kingfeatures17 for Baby Blues

             And I may or may not have some ancient Funky merch even older than that. >.>

             1. I think there was another FW merch store, that had a t-shirt of not-yet-dead Lisa that said “let’s be friends!” Like some cheesy elementary school valentine. I actually had a lot to say about that shirt. I can’t find it right now, though.

             2. That’s the Cafe Press store, listed on the right hand column here.

             3. Of course, the highlight of the CafePress store is the design with Cindy and Sadie.

                

                The copyright notice says 2002. That thing’s been up there for OVER TWENTY YEARS without getting corrected.

                Bravo, Tom. Bravo.

             4. This one? https://www.cafepress.com/mf/1752905/mug——-_mugs?productId=4206459

                That one is AWFUL. Not just because it has the much-maligned (by Tom Batiuk and no one else) Sadie Summers on it.

                This is the one that gets me:

                https://www.cafepress.com/mf/1752810/mug——-_mugs?productId=4206262

                “FRIENDS”????!!! Are you freaking kidding me, Tom Batiuk? According to your own mythology, this is supposed to be the most tragic doomed couple in all of history! A love that inspired three books, an Oscar-winning movie, a 17-year refusal to accept death that an entire county enabled, and eventually another book that re-defined the human race! But they’re just ‘friends’? These two dorks look like they just met! Ugh. It doesn’t even work in a ‘your marriage partner is also your best friend” kind of way.

                The same is true of “Let’s Celebrate” and “Congratulations“. They look like a nightmare first date, and a court-ordered supervised visit, respectively. Look at the body language in all of them.

                Granted, this was early Act II, before Lisa even got cancer. But Batiuk should have pulled this design long ago. Considering how central Dead Lisa is to this world, it feels like he’s trying to unironically sell World Trade Center toys.

       2. $34.96? Plus shipping? Plus tax? That price seems rather high for a piece of canvas with three straps and a picture of Ed on it. Is there an option to pay for it on an installment plan? Can you apply for financing?

          Batty’s typical fans won’t fork over $20 for a GoComics subscription. What makes him think they’ll buy an apron at twice the price?

          It’s probably not even canvas, but a highly flammable petroleum-based synthetic fabric. There will be a tiny disclaimer on the tag, “Warning: Highly flammable. Apron is intended for decorational purposes only. Not intended for use with an actual barbecue grill.”

12. I thought it likely that today’s Crankshaft merch commercial was an attempt to burn off some leftover merchandise from the very short lived Comics Kingdom Crankshaft store (it debuted mere months before FW ended and Shaft switched syndicates)… but no, this is different artwork and different merchandise.

    TB needs to bring back the bowling shirt.

    1. TB needs to bring back the bowling shirt.

       That’s actually a good idea. This product is also overly specific, but in a way that works. Bowling is a major theme of Crankshaft, and I can see bowling enthusiasts being a target demographic. It’s also an improvement over the basic logo t-shirt most brands sell. Give it a range of color choices, and I think this is a winner. Or at least it was, until Crankshaft became Dinkle, Montoni’s and Comic Books.

       1. In other words: I think there’s far more overlap between bowling enthusiasts and comic strip readers than grill enthusiasts and comic strip readers.

13. Does anyone here know anything about Jack Doherty

    I do now. Seems like a real POS.

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