The Crankshaft Awards! Day 5!

Thus ends Back Pain Week, 2025. I can only assume we’ll get another installment next year. Or heck, maybe next week. Maybe we’ll go on a guided tour through Crankshaft’s decrepit old body as it breaks down for the rest of the year. A month cleaning ears clogged by bristly hair and wax. Two weeks treating varicose veins. A couple days grinding down fungus encrusted toenails with a dremel. An entire mega arc on hemorrhoids. A girl can dream.

In the years (years!) since we started doing year-end awards, the Panel of the Year award has become a favorite of mine. Picking candidates requires turning on a slightly different, abstract part of the brain. And narrowing down the list can be as agonizing as it is esoteric. A week after I posted the voting, I went back over the list, thinking of the rejected panels, and was still second guessing myself. But I couldn’t give you guys literally 20 to choose from.

Could I?

Your nominees for…

Panel of the Year 2024

1.) Dog In Therapy

2.) Timemop: Back to the Future

3.)Jeff’s Alone Time

4.) V-UPX Day

5.) Abraham and Sarah

6.) The Davis Era

7.) I Wanna Be Forever Young

8.) Chocolate Arson

9.) Dinkshaft

And the winner for Panel of the Year:

Chocolate Arson

A worthy addition the Funkyverse Loovrah. The effort taken to lovingly trace a 60-year-old, vintage gas can from Shutterstock just to let us know that this arsonist was also a hipster. Chef’s Kiss.

28 thoughts on “The Crankshaft Awards! Day 5!”

    1. Yes! What happened in the Trial of the Burnings? It’s got me on Tender Hooves! Which is an anti-pun Crankshaft would use because it’s not funny.

      I have my theory, narrowed down to 3 suspects. Well, 4, because not to spill any beans in your tea, is because TWO of them are TWINS! I leave to the readers to decode that meaning, but holy shit, don’t let them open any elevator doors around your new carpet.

    2. Yes, the trial will be continuing soon. I wouldn’t dream of running counterprogramming to the Crankies!

  2. Hey, I have one of those gas cans! In the garage, next to tires I have no idea what to do with! But NOT a charcoal grill! Seems someone left a leaky gas grill in their garage once, and the fire department got called. Yes, a quarter inch from reality, the fire department does NOT want you blowing the whole fucking neighborhood up!

    But I did have a charcoal grill, which had never been used, it was from a liquor store I managed and a promo from Sam Adams but Oh Boy, it was a menace greater than any Dennis, so I had to get rid of my unused grill before it became How the Fuck Should I Even Know What.

    I tried to donate it to Goodwill, but they refused me. Maybe because weirdos leave their encrusted old grills there? Again–never been used, to the point that I tucked the original paper instructions into it. Ha ha, is the sound of your laff, what fool needs INSTRUCTIONS for a GRILL?!

    (Ed fills it with dynamite; takes out a space shuttle and nearly causes WW3)

    I left it by the dumpster, hoping someone would grab it. Some Lillian-esque looking old lady and her yappy bug-dog were there, her talking quite intently on her phone, dog now SUPER yappy, maybe Mom is talking to dog’s favorite uncle or nephew?! And in an hour, it was gone. Just in time for a Labor Day BBQ! Win for us all.

    The condo wanted that grill GONE! The ancient gas can is still there. By the tires. And my pile of Soviet-era anti-tank grenades. Those are fine.

  3. I had to give the nod to “Dog in Therapy” as a one-panel tragedy. The Funkshaftiverse is a place so depressing that even a Golden Retriever, the cheeriest and friendliest of all dogs, tucks his tail between his legs and walks sadly away from all human interaction.

  4. To honest here, I voted based on the titles that CBH gave each of the panels. These panels are all funny, the separation comes in how they are framed. And CBH is a master at framing them, all of these titles are funny and one of the true standouts won. “Chocolate Arson” is absolutely hilarious. “V-UPX Day” is tremendously clever. “The Davis Era” is wonderfully incisive.

    But… “Abraham and Sarah” is one of the most perfect jokes ever put up on this website. I shoulda stuffed the ballot box.

  5. Oooo, look at all the money on that gas can. Looks like a bunch of folks hired Encyclopedia Brown to solve The Burnings.

    Maybe… maybe Leroy “Encyclopedia” Brown is responsible for The Burnings, angry that Lillian refuses to stock his books? Or maybe Bugs Meany just wants us to think that, using the trademark gas can in an attempt to frame Encyclopedia? Trying to burn down a garage to frame Encyclopedia Brown and failing spectacularly does seem very on-brand for Bugs Meany.

    1. On the subject of Encyclopedia Brown, I’m going to digress for a bit if that’s okay.

      Encyclopedia Brown is supposed to be a genius kid who’s so intelligent, he even helps out his police detective father with criminal cases.

      Light Yagami is supposed to be a genius kid who’s so intelligent, he even helps out his police detective father with criminal cases.

      That’s right, Death Note is Encyclopedia Brown fanfiction! Prove me wrong!

      1. “I’m going to digress for a bit if that’s okay.”

        (shifts nervously) We should ask for permission now? Boy, glad I’m not the gormless loser who posted about what’s in his garage, ha ha! OH, LOOK UP IN THE SKY! It’s the Wingèd Victory of Samothrace! (runs in opposite direction; slams into plate glass door)

        I like the digressions. Maybe I don’t know about 1940s movies or DC comics, but I’m not bothered when people talk about them. I’ve described this place as “highly over-educated people arguing about the stupidest thing ever,” and that was a compliment.

        Because I think we do thread these things so they’re on-topic, if at least in non sequitur ways. Why, I’m going to digress NOW!

        https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/moose-murders-flops-on-broadway

        Yes, there was an even worse Broadway play than “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark.” What does that have to do with Cranky Knuckleknob? Because…comic books and sucking! And the reviewer’s line that it “would insult the intelligence of an audience consisting entirely of amoebas.” Does that not sound so SoSF?

        Yeah, I should shut up. But I’ll bet that you all pronounced “Wingèd” with two syllables, accent on the “ed.” You over-educated weirdos.

  6. I voted for Abraham and Sarah, because it was the Batiukiest plot twist of the year. It was hard to pass on Timemop, but that’s the kind of Funkyverse move that doesn’t surprise you much. “He brought Timemop back? Yeah, I bet he did.” Impregnating Cindy after her 50th class reunion, and Canon Immigrant-ing her in Crankshaft for no reason, was out of nowhere.

  7. “Chocolate Arson” was my pick, with a big assist from Harriet’s on-point panel-titling!

    Has the group noticed that the top three vote-getters were all dialogue-free? There’s a certain aesthetic purity to a strictly visual panel that obviously resonates with many voters here….

    1. 100%. Almost without exception, Batiuk’s dialogue-free strips are his best. An example is the strip where Holly and Funky bought new books, settled down with great optimism to read them, and both fell asleep on the couch. I actually liked that one totally unironically. Without self-satisfied logorrhea, Bats can still create something worthwhile. How ’bout that.

  9. I told y’all Batty would be at the OMEA conference. Check out his latest blog post.

    I wish the concerts were open to the public, I would have enjoyed seeing the KSU Percussion Ensemble.

    1. “I actually sold out of my books this year…”

      Is this some sort of delusion on Tom’s part? How is this possible? Who is approaching the empty table and laying down $35 for one of these things — or $60 for two?

      We did the math some time ago, and figured that the booth costs several hundred bucks and — even if he’s making a generous $15 a book — Tom would have to sell, at a guess, at least 50 copies just to break even.

      Of course, maybe he DID sell out … maybe the seven books on the table are the only books he brought with him.

      1. Several years back, I read something somewhere by a pretty well-know SF author who said he had stopped buying book tables at conventions and just went as an ordinary visitor. He said the number of books he sold didn’t come close to paying for the table, and he could have a lot more interaction with readers and fans by just wandering around the con.

      2. Yeah, I find this EXTREMELY difficult to believe. There’s just no way his books (not actual books but bound collections of previously-published comic strips assembled in book form) are suddenly surging in popularity NOW. The entire notion is totally ludicrous.

        “OH MY GOD! THAT’S TOM BATIUK!”

        “WHERE? WHERE? THERE HE IS! LET’S GET ONE OF HIS BOOKS BEFORE THEY’RE GONE!”

        (Mob scene at table, lots of pushing and shoving)

        Seems unlikely. I refuse to believe he sells more than a few dozen of those in a good year.

  10. Ultimately I went with “Chocolate Arson”, but there were some quite worthy nominees.

    “Dog in Therapy” sums up the Batiukverse perfectly: the place is SO bleak, even therapy dogs just can’t.

    Timemop has Timemop, so, y’know… bonus points for that.

    “V-UPX Day” let me do this:

    “Abraham and Sarah” was tempting for its sheer WTFery, but I figured it was going to win big in another category, so… spread the love.

    “I Wanna Be Forever Young” almost took my vote, for showing Batiuk’s arrested development mindset. “How dare you suggest I should grow up! I’m going to be the most successfulest comics guy ever, that’ll show you! That’s right, it’s gonna happen… any day now…”

    But as the cornerstone of The Burnings, “Chocolate Arson” edged out the competition. The story he teased us with since the end of Funky, and we find out that the major world event that shapes future generations involves… lighting a small fire on the bottom step of a stairway. (And which doesn’t even do any lasting damage.) Yep, that tracks. Riveting tale, Tom.

    1. “Forever Young” got my attention too, because of the sheer assholery of it. I’ll show you, woman who loves me and has been my biggest supporter in life! And this is the only time “Batton” ever talks about being a cartoonist; he’s way more interested in the comic book career he didn’t get. So this story isn’t even true.

  11. I no longer remember which panel I voted for, but right now I feel a little pang of sympathy for “I wanna be forever young,” not because it’s that great but because it features a character whom we will almost certainly never see again. He paddled his little leaky rowboat out to the middle of the lake, tied one end of the rope around his neck and the other to a cinderblock, whispered “see you in hell, Lillian” and disappeared from the strip forever. He deserved something for that.

    1. I’m pretty sure that’s a young Batton Thomas Creator Of The Comic Strip Three O’Clock High, not Eugene.

      1. That’s what happens when Davis’s copypasta art is presented without context, I guess.

  12. Sorry to be late. These blogs are coming out a little too fast for me, and I’ve fallen behind.

    What was the ‘The Davis Era’ about? I don’t recognize the panel.

    1. It was the strip from July 28. The strip was a riff on ‘Yesterday’ by The Beatles, about the slow death of newspapers. I was joking that in the copy paste art Dan Davis era we’re in now, ‘There’s nothing really new to see’

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