“Murder In The Burnings”, my retelling of Crankshaft‘s burnings plot, continues. Today, the defendant is on the witness stand. You can read all previous installments under the Burnings tag.
PROSECUTOR: Please state your full name and current profession.
LES: I am Les Moore, award-winning writer and high school teacher.
PROSECUTOR: In that order, huh?
CROSS EXAMINATION
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, you taught the book Fahrenheit 451 to your American Literature class, against school board recommendations, and against instructions from your own principal. Is that correct?
LES: Yes, sir.
PROSECUTOR: Why did you decide to teach Fahrenheit 451 to your class?
LES: As I said to my wife, Cayla, it seems to me that if the students are old enough to have active shooter drills, they’re old enough to read whatever they want.
PROSECUTOR: Did any other teachers also teach Fahrenheit 451 that semester?
LES: No, just me.
PROSECUTOR: So no other classes took part in this?
LES: No.
PROSECUTOR: Not even at any other schools?
LES: No, not that I know of.
PROSECUTOR: What did your students think of Fahrenheit 451?
LES: They were pretty excited about it. The “forbidden fruit” angle, I guess.
PROSECUTOR: Why would anyone oppose Fahrenheit 451? It doesn’t have any violent or sexual content, or anything like that. It’s a pretty standard book for high school literature. I read it myself in high school.
LES: I don’t know. Some people are just closed-minded, I guess.
PROSECUTOR: Your principal Nate Green testified that you taught Fahrenheit 451 without his permission or approval. Did anyone else ever express any concerns about the content of this book?
LES: No.
PROSECUTOR: Did the school board ever talk to you about your decision, either directly or indirectly?
LES: Nate told me he met with the board, but nothing came of it.
PROSECUTOR: Did any parents talk to you about it?
LES: Nope. I never heard a word. It turned out everyone was on board with my courageous decision.
PROSECUTOR: Well, that’s surprising, Mr. Moore. Because Skip Rawlings of the Centerville Sentinel testified that he received an email from the protestors that said there were quote, “things in the book they didn’t want their kids to see.” But you just said you were the only teacher who taught this book. Which means, the only people whose kids would ever see what was in Fahrenheit 451, were the parents of your students. So I will ask you again; did any parent of your students ever express any concerns to you about your decision to teach Fahrenheit 451? I remind you, Mr. Moore, you are under oath.
LES: Um, no.
PROSECUTOR: I would like to remind the jury of police officer Leo Harshman’s testimony. The police detained several protestors fleeing from the Village Booksmith. Those protestors turned out to be Mr. Moore’s own students, in a misguided prank. After that, the police had many conversations with these same parents. No parent of any of Mr. Moore’s students was ever a person of interest in this case.
LES: Well, these protestors must have come from somewhere.
PROSECUTOR: Correct, Mr. Moore, and I will soon show this court exactly where they came from. Now, after the Booksmellers fire, and the erroneous newspaper story that it may have been an attack on the content of Fahrenheit 451 itself, what happened next?
LES: Lillian McKenzie called me, and offered to take over the distribution of Fahrenheit 451.
PROSECUTOR: And you accepted?
LES: Yes.
PROSECUTOR: Lillian McKenzie testified that she was afraid to do this for you. Did you ever consider another way of distributing the books, so she wouldn’t be at risk? Such as, having your students acquire the book online? Or, simply teaching a different book?
LES: No, she seemed fine with it at the time.
PROSECUTOR: And when did this happen, exactly?
LES: We moved the books on Sunday.
PROSECUTOR: The 15th?
LES: Yes.
PROSECUTOR: The day before the Village Booksmith fire. Who physically moved the books there?
LES: Me, Lillian, the twin girls who work at her store, my friend Pete, and his fiancee Mindy.
PROSECUTOR: That’s Lillian McKenzie, Amelia and Emily Matthews, Pete Roberts-Reynolds, and Mindy Murdoch. Anyone else?
LES: No.
PROSECUTOR: When did you tell your students the new location to pick up the books?
LES: That Monday, at school.
PROSECUTOR: The 16th?
LES: Yes.
PROSECUTOR: And the Village Booksmith fire was that night. Other than your students, yourself, Lillian McKenzie, and the people who helped you move the books, who knew the copies of Fahrenheit 451 were at the Village Booksmith?
LES: Um. Well, my wife, I guess. she was there when I took Lillian’s call.
PROSECUTOR: I mean, who knew the books were at Lillian’s store, and would have lit the store on fire because of that?
LES: Umm….
PROSECUTOR: Your whole reason for doing this convoluted book drop was to circumvent the school board’s “recommended reading” list. Nate Green testified that you were exploiting a loophole in this list, by not ordering the book from the school system. He said he informed you this went against school board policy. Which raises the bar for these protestors even higher. We’ve been looking for a perpetrator who not only was so offended by Fahrenheit 451 they committed arson at two different bookstores. And, who learned the new location of the books within a day of you moving them there, when you had an incentive to keep this location secret. And, who never so much as spoke to anyone about their concerns.
LES: Well, maybe the police could do their jobs and find these protestors.
PROSECUTOR: I think the police did their jobs just fine when they announced criminal charges against you. Because the arsonist was you, the whole time.
LES: So who are these protestors then?
PROSECUTOR: There never were any protestors.
Son of Stuck Funky 
I wonder if he promised them extra credit for play-acting as falangists.
The trial’s not over yet. 🙂
He’s bound to turn himself into a villain from Law & Order.
Today’s Crankshaft
YOU CAN’T PAUSE THE MOVIE WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING IT INSIDE A THEATER
however, the only people watching it are Pam, Jeff and Crankshaft
This post was brilliant! Well done!
If Les is the defendant, he wouldn’t have had to answer the prosecutor’s questions unless he had testified in his own defense first. I’m assuming that happened here, but I would have liked to have seen what he said.
Also, after school on the 16th, some of the students would probably have told their parents that they had to go to the Village Booksmith to buy a book for English class, since the Village Booksmith is in a different town and they might have needed a ride.
Yeah, I took some liberties with court procedure here, in order to tell the story. You’re right that we wouldn’t be learning these things during the cross examination. Les would have received direct examination from his own attorney, he would have been able to establish an alibi, there would been haggling over the admissibility of exhibits, and so on.
You’re also right that some parents would have learned about the new location of the books from their children needing to go get them. But I don’t think that’s a big problem. And I addressed it by saying the police talked to many parents of children after the protest, and didn’t find anyone they felt the need to investigate. (Which is the biggest problem with the story; the absence of a perpetrator, or even any potential perpetrators.) More will be revealed in the next installment.
Keep in mind that, when Skunk Head was being prosecuted for obscenity, Roberta was sitting at the prosecutor’s table despite not actually being a lawyer, because… reasons? And they let John Byrne testify about how manga is perceived in Japan, and Crazy Harry testify about how “comics saved him”, despite neither having any relevance to the case at hand.
The Batiukverse is to legal accuracy what the average episode of Suits is to legal accuracy. Getting it wrong is more faithful, honestly.
I try to be realistic, so the story will seem real. But I don’t fetishize realism like Tom Batiuk does. If the choice is between realism and storytelling, I’m picking storytelling. I imitate Batiuk’s writing style as much as I can, but I don’t want to mimic the stupid shit like the comic book trial you mentioned. This would defeat the purpose of the story, which is to ask “what if this really happened?” about the burnings.
The plot thickens!
But in the Funkyverse, can Les ever be found guilty of anything? Will the defense case simply be “He’s Les Moore”, so the judge and jury can say “Oh, right, well of course, Mr. Moore, your every decision was the right one, so you’re fee to go and please continue blessing us with your very existence. Is there anything we can burn down for you or perhaps a movie we can sabotage?”
As you are well aware, American jurisprudence allows three possible verdicts:
1 – “Guilty“
2 – “Not Guilty“
3 – “Les Moore,” which is an enhanced type of Not Guilty that comes with a tickertape parade, a national holiday named after you, a series of large 22K gold medals emblazoned with Sickly Lisa on one side and Smug Les on the other, to be worn outside the clothing at all times, and a Pulitzer Prize.
Your Grease:
Scottish Law has three verdicts:
Guilty;
Not Guilty; and
Not Proven
I imagine that “Not Proven” evolved from “Leicester Moore.”
Another Rebus fan? I live with one. And I’m absolutely shocked Bats has never seized on the “Leicester” pun. He’d find some way to bollix it up anyway, so it’s for the best.
Your Grease:
Actually, Wilkie Collins, who explored the consequences of the “Not Proven” verdict in The Law and the Lady, one of his post-Moonstone novels.
And the People’s Almanac’s piece on Madeleine Smith, who received the verdict in 1857.
Ian Rankin is an author I’ve long been curious about, so I may meet John Rebus ere long.
During Act I, Les was the universe’s favorite punching bag
Act III Les was always given awards and shit that he never deserved
During Act I, Les was the universe’s favorite punching bag.
During Act III, the universe was Les’s favorite punching bag.
I know you meant to write “you’re free to go,” but “fee to go” made me think of the kill fee with “Lust for Lisa,” and conjured up an image of “your kill fee to go.”
Thanks for the laughter, Y. Knott.
Thanks for the kind words! I noticed the “fee” after I hit “send”, and had the exact same thought. A typo, but a very apt one!
You definitely could give Don’t-Care Davis lessons in matching clip art faces to the actual emotions.
I particularly liked Cayla’s disgusted expression when Les takes credit for her comment.
If I were the judge, I would’ve declared Dick Facey guilty without a verdict and throw his ass into prison for 15 years
Shouldn’t that be “Les Moore, award-winning writer, recipient of the Academy Award for Best Actress, and high school teacher”? (Honestly, I’m imagining him sitting on the stand looking smug while holding the Oscar™. I see no reason to think Les doesn’t carry it around with him wherever he goes. Doesn’t say anything at first, just holds it up with that look on his face – you know the one – and waits for people to comment on it so he can tell them all about how he earned that award, damn it!)
I thought about that, but I decided Les would overemphasize his writer-ness above all else. To be fair, he hasn’t shown it off much since he got it. He’s not as bad as Dinkle, with his friggin’ chocolate-selling medallion that he wearts under his street clothes.
I picture Tom as someone who, when asked what he does for a living, describes himself as “a writer whose work was nominated for a Pulitzer.” When the response is “Wow! For what book?” he gets all vague. “Oh, I don’t like to brag! You know, these hors d’oeuvres are obdurately who’s-your-daddy-daycare delectable, but not as good as rust-belt Ohio-style pizza!” Other person nods; pretends to notice an old friend across the room.
I can’t decide if he’d be that, or if Batiuk would describe himself as “a man who once interviewed at DC *and* Marvel!”
He’d say that long before he admitted the truth.
His tiered response might go “Published author with a Pulitzer nom!”–> “With so many book signings!”–> “I’m a writer AND an artist!”–> “No, in comics–I interviewed at DC and Marvel!”–> “They decided I was too good, so I began a highly successful comic strip! Ran in hundreds of papers!”–> “N-no, that wasn’t mine. Actually, Schulz is quite over-rated.”–> (reluctantly) “Funky Winkerbean…Surely you’ve heard of it!”–> Other person nods; pretends to notice an old friend across the room.
Damn! thinks Tom. I shoulda said 3 O’Clock High!
I think I’d disagree. For Les (and Batiuk) Oscars are trivial things, because they are awards for movies–a much lesser art form than comic books. Remember, Les put the statue right next to his plastic waiter name plate. It’s hard to think of any action more belittling.
Marianne gave it up without a second thought, too. Didn’t seem to mean much to her, except as an excuse to visit Les.
GL:
On Jack Benny’s radio show, Ronald Colman was his next door neighbor.
After Colman won the 1947 Academy award for “A Double Life,” there was a running gag about how winning it went to his head. I could see it happening with Les, though I doubt that I’d laugh as much as I do listening to those episodes.
For what it’s worth, the classic “your money or your life!/I’m thinking it over!” exchange comes out of a storyline involving a robbery in which a thief steals Colman’s Academy Award (which Benny had borrowed)
Today’s Crankshaft
So we’re back to Dale Evans
Ralph, you had a heart attack trying to shovel without any help, I don’t need you dying during a pickleball game in front of Ed
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strips: A 1992 storyline where Cindy brings Sadie (I’ve noticed that Sadie debuted in FW in 1991) with her and Carrie to the mall
Cindy’s expression in panel 3 screams “I’m gonna fucking kill my sister”
I have a older sister (by 4 years), and while we’re a pain in each other’s ass at times, I guarantee you that it’s NOWHERE near as awful as Cindy and Sadie treat each other
Carrie: CINDY, STOP SLAMMING MERCEDES’S HEAD AGAINST THE CHANGING STATION!
Cindy: FUCK YOU CARRIE! I WANT HER DEAD!
Now I have another reason to hate Cindy, she essentially gave her sister brain damage
That “three thumbs up” joke would have been a lot funnier if it was said by a male.
An actual joke in the throwaway panels. Not bad. Today a whole week would be devoted to finding the diary…
Okay, I admit it. Cindy slamming Mercedes against the changing station to make her change is funny.
And this is the character Tom Batiuk called “dumb, stupid, boneheaded, half-baked, ill-advised, risible, and done for all the wrong reasons”? Granted, there’s a long list of contenders for that crown in the Funkyverse. But this is a very good take on the high school sibling dynamic. I had a little brother in high school, and we tried not to acknowledge each other’s existence. (He was probably more embarrassed of me than I was of him.)
Batiuk had a talent for writing these high school stories. One tiny bit of praise, and he spent the rest of his life throwing it away and denouncing it.
I’m picturing Pete in the gallery muttering “I dunno about ‘friend’ per se…” to Mindy.
Fortunately for me, I take reader suggestions!
Today’s Crankshaft
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA PLAY PICKLEBALL
WHY ARE YOU PLAYING TENNIS
I know Davis can’t be bothered to use his own work for this strip but COME ON
Old people, all the players crowding the kitchen, opaque paddles… looks like pickleball to me.
Even the court is correct, with the lines dividing the service courts behind the kitchen rather than up by the net as in tennis. Davis’ only crime here is not making the ball look like it has holes in it.
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strips: A 1999 Storyline Where Dinkle Breaks The Law By Forcing His Band Students To Practice In His Fucking Basement
Darin: Mr. D, what you’re doing is fuckin’ illegal!
Dinkle: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT, BASEMENTS ARE FOR BAND PRACTICE!
I think a better punchline would be: “Hey, Mr. D, the police are here and they’re headed to the basement!”
Dinkle was a scab?! And the rest of the teachers didn’t give him a bloody nose (or worse)?
Quarter inch from reality my foot!
I like to think that Fred kicked him in the balls really hard after Dinkle pulled this shit off
Why would the coaches and Dinkle be told not to hold practices because of the POSSIBILITY of a teachers’ strike? Surely the prohibition on practices would only go into effect at the time the strike began (and, as it turns out, the teachers did settle on a contract and the strike didn’t take place).
It’s not as though the school board could get a financial advantage from the football team or marching band practicing before a strike took place.
Dinkle’s wife looks different. Did Dinkle remarry or did Batiuk decide to give poor Harriet a frog face makeover at a later date?
Another story arc where Batiuk finds humor in a teacher who openly disrespects authority and acts however they the hell they please. For some reason, Batiuk finds this behavior to be an endearing trait. Stick it to the man! Fight the power!✊
This makes me question whether his own academic career came to an end by personal decision, as he claims.
Superintendent: Go home, Batiuk. You’re fired. For the last time, we will not let you teach comic book history in middle school art class.
Today’s Crankshaft
It’s only day 3 and i’m already waiting for this week of strips to end
I often feel that way at Day 1.
It’s fascinating how language changes. “Literally” and “figuratively” now mean the same thing, despite being antonyms. “Nimrod” meant “a great hunter” in the Bible, but Bugs Bunny’s sarcastic delivery of the line to Fudd in one cartoon switched it to mean “dork.” “Nonplussed” meant “flabbergasted,” now it means nonchalance.
Phrases get truncated to the point that they have opposite meanings by omitting half of the phrase. “The customer is always right!” Sorry, Karen, the full phrase is “The customer is always right–in matters of taste.” It was coined by a furniture seller, meaning “Yes, that green sofa is going to look horrible on the orange carpet they also bought, but are you going to have to look at it? No, the customer will. Keep your opinion quiet, and take their money.” “Curiosity killed the cat!” means “Shut up, and don’t ask questions.” The full version ends with “…but satisfaction brought it back.” Because it now knows the real answer. Curiosity and questioning are good! Could save your life, not kill it!
Which brings us to:
Like a Match to a Flame: “Meaning: This simile illustrates the instant and intense attraction or connection between two people, similar to how a match ignites when struck against a flame.” Like “moth to a flame,” just with a different M word.
So, why does Tom use this as a title? Who’s intensely drawn to his rambling blog? Sentences like “I exceeded my wildest expectations and positively nine-year-oldnine-year-me or a nine-year-old?} nailed a drawing of the boots on one of them.” More like Icarus to a dumpster fire. Where’s Alan Turing when we need decoding? I’m truly baffled as to why he thinks this is brilliant or how it applies to his molecule-rearranging komix, but then again I also think monkeys can’t talk.
The full phrase is “Rome wasn’t built in a day–But it burned down in one.” It really means that it’s easier to destroy something than it is to fix it. Could apply to the Funkification of Crankshaft, or the USA right now.
.
The one that annoys me is “I could care less.” When they really mean “I couldn’t care less.” If you could care less, you do care at least a little, which is the opposite of how people use the phrase.
Since we’re talking about words whose meaning changed, how about “nerd”? That used to be an insult. Now it’s practically a compliment, or a neutral descriptor at worst. Which is one of many reasons that Mary Worth story annoyed me so much. The entire comics page is trapped at least 40 years in the past.