Further Cross Examination Of Les Moore

“Murder In The Burnings”, my retelling of Crankshaft‘s burnings plot, continues. You can read all previous installments under the Burnings tag.

PROSECUTOR: There are no anti-Fahrenheit 451 protestors in Westview or Centerville, Mr. Moore. They do not exist. They never existed. You need them to exist, but nobody’s falling for that red herring anymore. The fire at the Village Booksmith was started by you, and only you.

LES: This entire proceeding is an insult to my dignity.

PROSECUTOR: No, it isn’t. All the evidence points to you. You had the means, motive, and opportunity to start that fire at the Village Booksmith. And you’re the only person on earth who did.

LES: Oh, really? What was my motive?

PROSECUTOR: Attention. You haven’t been getting it since Marianne Winters handed you that Oscar trophy three years ago. When that random fire happened at Booksmellers, and it got misreported as being an attack on the book you were teaching, you saw an opportunity to be the big hero again. This is a common motive in arson cases. Also, you’ve done it before.

LES: No, I haven’t.

PROSECUTOR: Yes, you have. Mr. Moore, do you remember a student of yours named Eric Myers?

LES: I’ve had a lot of students over the years. I don’t remember them all.

PROSECUTOR: This student started two different fires at Westview High School.

LES: You mean Mooch? (scoffs) You can’t be serious. That was ages ago. That was before I let Lisa die.

(commotion)

THE JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order. Order in the court. Order. You may proceed, counselor.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, could you repeat what you just said?

LES: Oh come on, you all know what I meant, right? I mean, after Lisa made her courageous decision to end treatment! You all saw it! It won an Oscar!

PROSECUTOR: Yes, I do remember that. But, I don’t remember where Lisa ever discussed this decision with anyone. Not even you. Am I remembering wrong?

LES: Uh…

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, did you start the fire at the Village Booksmith?

LES: Ummm….

(click)

VOICE: Hello, this is Lisa Crawford Moore. If you’re watching this tape, my client has chosen to exercise his or her right to remain silent…

THE JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order. All right, that’s enough. Mr. Moore, I’m going to issue a continuance so you can get some, uh, living representation. We will resume this case at a later date. And don’t bring those VHS tapes to my courtroom again. Court is adjourned.

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Author: Banana Jr. 6000

Yuck. The fritos are antiquated.

35 thoughts on “Further Cross Examination Of Les Moore”

  2. Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

    My lord, it is uncanny how you are able to write the smuggest man alive in a way that somehow makes him even more loathsome than before. Bravo.

  5. “Mr. Moore, didn’t I tell you not to bring that back to my courtroom?”

    “You said I couldn’t bring the VHS tapes. This is a DVD. I had it transferred.”

    “You know perfectly well what I meant, Mr. Moore.”

    “Maybe you should take my class on writing with clarity.”

  7. LOL the VHS tapes. If the strip had kept going, eventually they’d have found a full spindle of home-burned DVDs, then Blu-Rays, then old Real Player videos, then some stuff she did on Windows Movie Maker. Then Les would have complied all the footage into a comprehensive forty hour documentary detailing every single day of her harrowing demise. And he’d would have aired that film at the Valentine, and it’d have been like the video in “Infinite Jest”, where everyone just sits there totally engrossed until they die. And the strip would have ended with Les in the projection room, giving the reader one of those “fourth wall” smirks. Would have been a better ending than the one he used, at least.

  9. Today’s Past Batiukverse Storyline: Les Commits Academic Dishonesty (Unlike Cindy three years later (I went over said storyline a few posts back) Les confesses to cheating to Ginny Wolfe and doesn’t behave like a total fucking asshole over it to Ginny’s face)

    In Act III, Les caught Cory cheating with a water bottle and almost brought it up every time Cory tried to get out of doing shit at Montoni’s

    Ginny in panel 1 looks like she’s about to burst into tears because Les copying a Ernest Hemingway article reminds her of the time when she did the same thing during college (I wonder if she did confess to her college professor over it and apologized for doing so because that one strip along with the storyline where Cindy sued her because she gave Cindy the grade she fucking deserved makes me feel very bad for her)

    1. Les’ neurosis, and Ginny’s nervousness about confrontation are very believable. And there are some genuinely good jokes here. Funky Winkerbean used to be good.

  10. Dropped as a hint on the BattyBlog: “If there’s anything more enjoyable than sitting in the studio writing on a winter’s day, I can’t imagine what it is. Ah, well… enough of this. Back to the wedding story.”

    ANNOUNCING THE GREAT WEDDING SPECULATION CONTEST

    One year from now, a “wedding story” will appear in Crankshaft. Which wedding would you like to see? What wedding will we actually get?

    WEDDINGS WE’D LIKE TO SEE

    – Zanzibar & Les Moore
    – Lillian & A Suitor Who Will Take Her Far, Far Away Never To Return
    – Decent Storytelling & Reasonable Art

    WEDDING WE MIGHT ACTUALLY GET

    – Mr & Mrs. Mopey Pete

    What weddings would YOU like to see? What wedding do YOU think we’ll get? Enter early, enter often!

    GRAND PRIZE: Ability to crow one year from now about how amazingly accurate you were!

    2. Oh, there’s no question it’s Pete and Mindy. And there’s even less question that it’s another comic book wedding. Why else would Batiuk spend so much time writing it? And gush about what wonderful time he’s having?

      What’s more interesting to me is what Batiuk’s not talking about: Cindy’s pregnancy. She is scheduled to give birth in June or so. So Cindy’s childbirth story is already written (which means dead cancer baby), or Batiuk is just skipping it entirely (which means we have another child of indeterminate age to introduce to comic books).

          1. Keeping with the nonsensical idea of a 75yo giving birth…Cindy will MARRY HER OWN BABY! She will name the baby “Barry Allen” (“Halle Berry Allen” if female).

            Of course, her baby shower will be held at Montoni’s, and be a book signing.

          2. That baby is only going to be named one thing, and we all know what it is.

            Lisa.

        2. Pregnancy in comics usually takes longer than nine months, as you’ll see in the case of Franklin Richards:

          Announcement of the Invisible Girl’s pregnancy: *Fantastic Four Special* #5 (November 1967, shipped August 1, 1967)

          Birth of her son: *Fantastic Four Special* #6 (November 1968, shipped August 13, 1967)

          Selection of name of Franklin Benjamin Richards: *Fantastic Four #94 (cover date January 1970, shipped on October 14, 1969).

          Which may mean that even then you could say that it was “Agatha All Along” (Miss Harkness debuted in *F.F.* #94).

          Other long blessed events:

          Lyta Trevor Hall’s son Daniel, Crystal’s daughter Luna and Daisy Mae Yokum’s son Honest Abe.

          Whether these would have been shorter if Fred Fairgood had helped with the deliveries none can say, unless it is the Old Witch (who was once “a little stranger” herself).

    3. If Mooch doesn’t show up for Pete and Mindy’s wedding, we riot.

      If Mooch does show up AND objects because he used to date Mindy… I’ll eat my hat.

    4. I’d like to see an imprisoned Les Moore being “married” to some big bad lifer at the Ohio penitentiary.

    1. “Please Make The Boredom Stop” sounds like a Zippy the Pinhead collection.

  12. Judge: Leslie Moore, this court has no hesitation in proclaiming you guilty.

    Juror #1: Guilty!

    Juror #2: Guilty!

    Juror #3: Guilty!

    Juror #4: Guilty!

    be ware of eve hill: VAPORIZE HIM!!!

      1. The I got the Reference Lady: (stands up and points a finger into the air) beckoningchasm got the reference!

        Between the two of us, I still prefer the atomization.

    2. “Hanging’s too good for him. Burning’s too good for him! He should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!”

      1. Good grief! I last saw the Heavy Metal movie in the early 1980s in college. How do you remember this quote? I had to look it up.

        Not buried alive. I vote we place Best Actress Award Winner Les Moore’s little bitsy pieces in a hermetically sealed mason jar, seat it on a rocket ship, and set the controls for the heart of the sun.

  13. Adding in the Lisa Tape was a fun surprise!

    I’ve been doing some FW archive diving now that it’s up, and I notice that throughout pre Act III there are a ton of strips that run the joke into the ground about how Coach Stropp presents movies in class all the time. Maybe that’s something to work in someday.

    1. I want to work in as much Funkyverse lore as possible, so keep those ideas coming. Right now I need ideas for “a place Les Moore would never look.”

      1. I’d say “deep inside his true soul,” but he’s incapable of introspection. Whether he actually has a soul is a question I leave to theologians.

        1. Yes, and that was one of the most disgusting things Les ever did. He passive-aggressived his daughter into reading her own mother’s rape journal. Great idea, but it conflicts with some future story details, so I can’t use it. It also has to be a physical place, so it can’t be something like a person’s soul. I think I came up with something that will work, though.

      3. “a place Les Moore would never look.”

        That is an interesting question. Les seems to believe he is the embodiment of perfection, that he never errs, and that he should always be the object of intense interest for everyone. He seems to have fetishized his entire life, so I doubt there’s anything in his house that would NOT hold huge interest for him, and be gushed over many times in the day. Except maybe a heavy box with tools in it. Everyone else sees to it that Les is never disturbed from his self-worship. Cayla, I bet, pays all the bills. (The bill drawer might be a place he’d never look. “Receipt: 1 gas can, 1 five gallon can of kerosene. For language arts extra credit.”)

        You know what? I bet Les has never read “Fahrenheit 451.” I’m sure he thought he could wing it and his brilliance would carry the day. “How hard could it be? It’s not ‘Lisa’s Story’ after all, so it’s already second-rate at best. Plus the students will benefit from my genius no matter what I say.”

        Maybe that’s a place Les would never look–inside a book he didn’t write.

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