If I Were A Bedding Man…

So sue me, Crankshaft spending a week hiding under his bed was far FAR from the worst arc of 2025. I daresay that I saw a strip or two that might make the 2025 Awards shortlist.

Is it the best week of a comic strip in bed that I’ve ever seen? Not by a long shot. Pastis had this in bag years ago, with a strip so funny and relatable my mom clipped it out and put in on her fridge.

But Crankshaft this week was perhaps better than the worst of the ‘Garfield in Bed’ strips, which are their own dedicated subgenre with decades of history.

1979

1987

But I’ll say this for Garfield recently. The art may be recycled, but the jokes have gotten pretty avant garde.

Maybe like evolution and natural selection redesigning the crab over and over and over…all strips will eventually become Heathcliff.

Expect the Chien recap to spin back up. I just have to reorient myself with our favorite goth queen.

EDIT!!!!

I am editing this to declare that I had NO IDEA when I photoshopped my joke strip that the next arc would be Batton and Skip. I was just trying to think of the most repulsive thing that Cranky could be hiding from.

I swear. I swear on my two foot high stack of The Complete Funky Winkerbean volumes. I had no concious idea what this week would bring.

Hang on real quick. I’m off to pick the next lotto numbers!

We need an experiment to see if this is general precognition, or if I’m just uniquely cursed to foresee the future of Crankshaft.

67 thoughts on “If I Were A Bedding Man…”

  1. “Crankshaft Hides Under The Bed” is indeed a solid contender for Least Worst Crankshaft Story Arc of 2025. Sure, a week of blank panels would probably defeat it. But as it’s up against other 2025 Crankshaft arcs … not bad!

    1. I think it was a great example of the nastiness that is inherent to the Funkyverse, and how it can look benign on the surface. Ed seemed to be having a panic attack, and Pam callously nagged him into returning to work (even though she never stands up to his bullshit any other time). Ed is decades past retirement age, and he doesn’t seem to need the job financially, so let the man retire if he wants to! Or help him get treatment for his anxiety!

    2. The “ACT IV” arc summaries don’t seem to have been updated since November 2024, and the challenge here is to try to remember the utterly unmemorable. But here’s at least some of the competition in terms of trying to figure out the Least Worst Arc…

      – Skip Interviews Batton 2025: Part I
      – OMEA 2025
      – Bus Rodeo 2025
      – Lillian Does A Book Signing 2025
      – Skip Interviews Batton 2025: Part II
      – Date Night With Pam ‘n’ Jeff
      – Some Crankshaft Grill Wackiness, Probably?
      – Lillian Starts A YouTube Channel
      – Skip Interviews Batton 2025: Part III
      – Skip Hires An Intern
      – Lillian Hires Twin Interns
      – Crankshaft Buys Some Gardening Supplies
      – Skip Interviews Batton 2025: Part IV
      – Crankshaft Goes To New York
      – Bus Driver Shortage
      – Skip Interviews Batton 2025: Part …V? Only V? Seems Like More…
      – Crankshaft Goes To Winnipeg
      – Crankshaft Hides Under The Bed
      – Skip Interviews Batton 2025: Part … LXVII? Who’s Even Counting Anymore?

      1. Don’t forget there were at least two interview arcs in late 2024, not to mention the fawning Komix Korner encounter that inspired all this.

  2. Having worked in a Sam Goody/Suncoast Video back in the 90s…

    Bring on the Chien! I worked with women like her 30 years ago, and they were always smart, interesting, snarky people! Chien’s still my favorite character!

    Yeah, I know today Tom can’t make any character interesting unless it’s a version of Tom, and therefore interesting to Tom.

  3. And here we are with the Batton and Skip show. Another week of the stupid face, the smirking, the lack of a theory of mind, the lack of situational awareness, the blindness to how he’s perceived, the daddy worship, the bratty need to lord phony triumphs over fictional enemies and, worst of all, the insistent yapping about cruel gatekeepers who delight in his suffering.

    1. Most of them boil down to “I had to come to terms with how famous I am now.” Like today. “I had to drive extra cautiously, because I had a contract now!” Fuck you, “Batton.” Fuck you and your fame, which frankly was never very much.

      1. He is never going to be anything more than a reminder of how dull Marge Simpson is and should act accordingly.

    2. ”the bratty need to lord phony triumphs over fictional enemies”. Wow you described Batty perfectly.

      1. The people he sees as bullies trying to crush him either don’t see him as an enemy or are simply trying to get him to smarten up. We’d be happier if he wised up but he can’t see that.

  4. On Saturday I concluded my Jeremiad about the “Ed Under the Bed” arc by saying “Isn’t it time for Skip Bittman to continue his interview of Batton Thomas, Creator of the Formerly Syndicated Comic Strip ‘Three O’Clock High’?”

    Why didn’t someone tell me I had control of the fundamental forces of the universe on that day? I would have bought a PowerBall ticket and changed it to the winning numbers!

  6. ComicBookHarriet,
    You had once chance to wish for a $1,000,000 or a Batton-Lefty week. You chose quickly, but not wisely.

    1. My lord! The equipment I could have bought with that mil! I would have been rolling in brand new manure spreaders.

      (Don’t roll in used manure spreaders. Don’t ask me how I know.)

      2. Cheer up! This week, your wish for top-of-the-line manure spreaders came true.

        Their names are Skip and Batton.

  7. As a descendent of two generations of Hudson/Rambler/AMC owners, I do not like Monday’s strip at all. At least let us see the car… I know Ayers drew Lillian’s Rambler enough times that Davis could find at least one panel of it to trace.

    1. This leads to a defect that I forgot about: the brazen literal-mindedness. He doesn’t realize that people are telling him not to do something and confuses doing something stupid with being smart.

      1. To borrow from the immortal words of David St. Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel, “It’s such a fine line between stupid, and…clever.”

        1. He pole vaults over it because he insists on not really growing up. It’s why sarcastic, self-deprecating grandiosity about fictional bullpens zooms over his empty head.

        2. Also, he’s a snotty child actively avoiding understanding something he doesn’t want to hear.

  9. 9/2: No, Tom, you’re not smarter than the people trying to keep you from doing something stupid.

  10. Today’s Crankshaft

    Day 2 of Most Boringest Interview Ever, September 2025 Edition

    MAKE IT STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THE BATTON-SKIP INTERVIEW STOP PLEASE

    1. He hasn’t lambasted the well meaning idiot kid who fed him the name Funky Winkerbean yet. He blames his lack of recognition on the goofy name and not the declining technique.

  12. Batton (paraphrased): “When I stayed up all night working, I was really tired the next day!”

    I think even Skip could stand to get a little more insight out of this interview.

    1. We’re supposed to feel sorry for him because he has poor time management skills. He lost that right when he walked back Pete being The Lord Of The Late.

  13. OH BOY! Things are starting to cook, let me tell you!

    Batton worked late into the night! He was tired the next morning! Edge-of-your-seat stuff here — I’m on tenterhooks waiting! What will the next revelation be? Well, I don’t want to jinx anything, but I have a few hopes and dreams:

    Sometimes Batton was too tired to brush his teeth for the recommended full two minutes before bed! Sometimes so tired that he could only do it for 90 seconds!

    Once he was so engrossed in work that his coffee got cold! But he drank it anyway despite the fact that it was cold!

    There was that morning when he woke up and realized he’d thrown his socks on the floor instead of the hamper, which happened because he was so tired and distracted from working so hard on… I forget, whatever, but that’s not the point. From working so hard! Hard worker, that Batton. WOW!

    Okay, okay, maybe this is just my headcanon and I’m being ridiculous. But I think the world needs more of these pivotal historical facts and I’m HERE for them!

    1. The stupid thing is that his laser focus on nonevents goes hand in hand with not being able to picture the things he builds up to.

  14. “ICE 3” is up, and it still doesn’t make any actual sense. Their reason for arresting her is that “facial recognition” matched her at a local supermarket to her recently-acquired driver’s license. Which… if we assume that was her at the supermarket, yeah, they’re going to match, but does it match the person they’re actually looking for? And why the elaborate sting operation? If they knew she was working at Montoni’s… why not just GO TO MONTONI’S to arrest her? Why the ruse of placing an order? What would they have done had Cory made the delivery like he was originally going to do? Why leave the place looking abandoned like it was a murderhouse? Why am I even expecting any of this to be anything but nonsensical? Why why why?

    2. Like a church, the sanctity of Montoni’s cannot be violated. ICE is powerless within its walls, and must scheme to lure their quarry out before they can act.

      Luring said quarry into a dark murderhouse is the recommended strategy. The only people who would go into a dark murderhouse are either
      A) evil, and therefore arrestable, and/or
      B) non-American, clearly not having watched enough American-made horror movies to know not to go into the murderhouse, and therefore arrestable.

      (Had CORY been the one lured out, you see, he would have not gone into the murderhouse. All part of the finely detailed, totally worked-out plan!)

      Why ICE gave Adeela the right to a phone call IS a bit of a mystery. One can only assume the transubstantative powers of a Montoni’s slice turned the pizza-chompin’ ICE agent bro at least temporarily into a Christ-like figure of forgiveness and benevolence, who granted phone access as an act of compassion.

      1. The phone call is just fantastic…

        Wally recognizes that Adeela is calling just by looking at his ringing smart phone, only to cut in the next strip to Adeela calling from one of a bank of phones at the ICE detention facility. This following the unnecessary final panel detail in the Sunday strip where ICE springs its trap where it is revealed that Adeela “bricked” her cell phone when it was dropped while she was being handcuffed.

        Absolute cinema, as the youths these days say I think.

        1. The transubstantative powers of Montoni’s pizza can effect *miracles*! The Blessed Miracle Of The Impossible Phone ID will surely be yet another one of the events that will be reviewed in the canonization process of St. Tony Montoni….

          (Also, y’know, Timemop. There are no continuity errors in the perfect Batiukverse — Timemop: The Elegant Solution™ explains it all. To fail to recognize that is to fail to perceive that humanity is our nation. Ask not for whom the Burnings burn … they burn for thee!)

        2. I normally avoid AI absolutely as much as possible, but I thought this group might be interested in AI’s interpretation of the phrase “humanity as our nation”:

          AI Overview
          The phrase “humanity as our nation” is primarily associated with the webcomic Timemop, also known as Son of Stuck Funky. Within this context, it is presented as a paradoxical and confusing statement, part of the rambling philosophical dialogue of the character Timemop. 

          Meaning within the comic

          Critique of the phrase: The phrase is often used by the comic’s author as an example of deliberately vague and pseudo-profound “surface thinking”. The intent is for the reader to think it sounds smart and move on, when in reality, it is a grammatical and conceptual mess.

          In-universe justification: The phrase “humanity as our nation” is used to represent a shift in “passport paradigm” and a deeper, higher form of understanding that transcends conventional language and grammar.

          1. I like that “humanity as our nation” is more associated with SOSF’s parodies than with Funky Winkerbean itself. When it says “the comic’s author”, it doesn’t mean Batiuk, it means us. So its explanation is spot on: the phrase is meaningless pseudo-profundity, and we have labelled it as such.

        3. “Beady-eyed nitpicking”, I think he calls it. You know, like expecting stories to make sense, details, continuity from panel-to-panel. You know, the meaningless stuff like that.

        4. It’s Batiuk’s true gift as a storyteller. On the surface, the story makes no sense whatsoever. But when you start to analyze all the different layers, you realize it REALLY makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER, but in SO many different ways. Even Ed Wood couldn’t reach the levels of narrative incomprehensibility that Batiuk makes look so effortless.

    3. I’ll just note that according to the wikipedia page for Medina, Ohio in 2020: “The racial makeup of the city was 88.3% White, 3.5% African American, 0.2% Native American, 0.9% Asian, 1.3% from other races, and 5.8% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 3.3% of the population.” Now sure, you’ll say, the white percentage dropped from 95% in 2000, so it’s practically awash in diversity at this point, and he just reflects that. But it’s important to make a statement about things you believe strongly in, as long as those things are as far away from you as possible.

  16. Hey,csroberto,that Becky drawing you saved was not body positivity. It was made by someone who is attracted to disabled people,and it’s degrading to disabled women. (Might edit it out of spite) And,I looked on a people-finder site ad found TB’s number. Not for fun,out of curiosity. Seeing the number made me uncomfortable,so I called him and told him his info and everything was on multiple sites. And guess what? He thanked me! I know it seems…obsessive…but I was like:”He cannot get stalked or whatever” It also had his son’s info.

    1. Batiuk might sic legal counsel on this community because he’s fairly thin-skinned. A lot of creative types don’t like their biases questioned.

  17. RE: Thursday 9/4’s C’Shaft:

    You know, I can just imagine Skip’s enthralling purple prose describing this particular incident on Page 147 of the Centerville Sentinel’s in-depth Batton Thomas hagiography: “At last, the day finally arrived when the syndicate salesman would be taking Batton’s strip out to the newspapers. At that point there was nothing he could do. It was out of Thomas’s hands.” It helps if you hear John Facenda’s NFL Films narration voice in your head.

    Of all the snore-inducing, joke-free installments of this storyline, which has been going on episodically since last August, today’s has to rank as the unnecessary and pointless to date.

    1. But it’s not pointless to Batiuk. This is still the unsettling little loon eight year old about to lose the will to live if he had to wait a day to force his mom to wait on him like an idiot while he marveled at pedestrian and formulaic nonsense. Watching him go slowly bonko because he’s just another guy is as inevitable as his solicitation for pity.

  18. 9/4: I think I have the proof I need that this man has lost the ability to understand what other people might find interesting.

  19. Today’s Crankshaft

    Day 4 of Most Boringest Interview Ever, September 2025 Edition (Batton Thomas is so goddamn boring)

    Meanwhile in Centerville

    Pam: DAD, WHY IS THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD ON FIRE?!

    Ed: I’m trying to correct Timemop’s timeline!

    (the fires immediately vanish)

    Ed: SON OF A BITCH!

  20. Day 5: You’d expect him to want to see his strip in print. You’d expect him to hope the thing lasted a while. You’d also expect a stoopnagle like this to think this was somehow a twist or an irony.

  21. RE: Friday 9/5’s Batton Down the Hatches:

    Just wondering, what exactly are the odds that Mr. Thomas’ local fishwrap would be one of the newspapers carrying his brand-new strip? One assumes that only a handful of papers around the country would pick up an untested comic, even if it was done by a local boy. Just as a “for instance,” a 1996 survey of 300 US papers found “Garfield” and “Peanuts” tied for first with 220 and “Blondie” third at 205 (“FW” was in 34 of the papers that year).

    Oh, and in case no one wants to do the math, 18,250 daily strips works out to an even 50 years (sound familiar?). Were Batiuk to continue “C’Shaft” until its Golden Anniversary, that means he would retire it on June 8, 2037, nearly 12 years from now. Anyone want to bet that final strip will be Skip and Batton sitting at Montoni’s continuing this interview?

    1. This interview will NEVER end. Batiuk will keep going back to it for the rest of Crankshaft‘s existence. It’s been seven weeks, and we’re still in the fucking 1970s.

      1. Crap, i think you’re on to something–this is a new running gag, like knocking over Keesterman’s mailbox or blowing up his own grill. It’s going to always come back to this.

      2. Skip’s Interview with Batton, year 48:

        “So then I thought I’d create another new character. He’d be a cartoonist who would regale everyone with riveting tales of his long, crazy career! He’d be just like me, but I’d disguise him by calling him Thomson Battings. Pretty clever, huh? Now, all I had to do was figure out which other character would be hopelessly dull-witted enough to just let him talk, talk, talk. Fortunately I had already come up with a character of some grizzled old idiot who ran the newspaper, so I figured this sadsack would hang on a cartoonist’s every word, and let him drone on for week after week after week after week…”

  23. It seems unusual to me, that Batton, as a teacher in the early/mid-1970s, would not already have had a subscription to his local newspaper, back when newspapers had much higher circulation than they do now.

    And even if he didn’t have a subscription before, I would think he would have taken out a subscription as soon as he became a syndicated cartoonist — a job whose existence depends on the success of newspapers.

    1. You’d also think he’d complain about the shrinkage of the comics section. Walt Kelly got a lot of mileage out of that.

  24. Today’s Crankshaft

    Day 5 of Most Boringest Interview Ever, September 2025 Edition

    If this storyline were a movie, it would be directed by Uwe Boll and it’ll somehow end up even more stupid and boring than the original storyline itself

    1. meanwhile in Hägar the Horrible

      That was a very poor choice of words, Hagar (Hägar wished for his and Lucky Eddie’s troubles to go away, and a meteor headed straight for them)

  25. Crankshaft 09/05/2025 – The Interview from Hell continues. Oh, God, he is NEVER going to shut up about this, is he?

    Holy déjà vu, Batman. Someone, please tell me I’m not losing my mind. Earlier this year, in a previous interview, didn’t Batton Thomas say he picked up newspapers from all over town to ensure his comic strip appeared in every publication? Is Batty duplicating prior stories and changing certain details and events? If so, these interviews are never going to end. Perhaps Batty is going to keep retelling his origin story until things come out to his satisfaction.

    Next month: Batton Thomas travels to the offices of Marvel Comics for an interview. He is offered the job he always dreamed of, but he changes his mind and declines due to his love of comic strips. /s 🤪

    Maybe it’s just me. There have been so many of these dreadfully boring interview arcs that my mind might be inventing new elements just to make these lackluster stories seem more interesting—something, anything.

    I’m asking in case anyone knows of the prior Batton/newspaper story arc off the top of their head. I’m not expecting anyone to delve into the Crankshaft archive to find out for me. I’m not that cruel (or entitled).

    1. Be Ware of Eve Hill,
      Yes. You are correct. Batton already bought up all the papers.
      You are not losing your mind. You are not alone, but you are the sanest among our unusual band.
      How did you get access to Batty’s next month interview? (Or maybe in 2 weeks? We will never see the last of Lefty!)
      If I may prognosticate under your influence. These interviews will not be complete until Batton Thomas wins his personal Pulitzer. (Or someone gifts it to him because BT inspired an actual winner.)
      I can verify you are not that cruel or entitled. The camera never lies! 🫠🤥😇🫠 /s

      1. I am correct? Thank goodness. I’d hate to think the ‘Batton Thomas Chronicles’ are seeping into my nightly dreams. Phew!😌

        My prediction for next month is based more pessimism than prognostication.

        Tom Batiuk’s pandering for awards and recognition reminds me of the movie ‘Storm of the Century’, based on the Stephen King book, where André Linoge (Colm Feore) says, “Give me what I want, and I’ll go away.”

  26. 9/6: This goes a long way to explaining why he’s always a quarter of a light-year away from reality and why Harry Dinkle wasting his life became a good thing: he made the same stupid mistake Lynn Johnston did and sealed himself inside a fantasy capsule.

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