Happy New Year, everyone!
This week’s Crankshaft, spanning 2025 and 2026, celebrates a time-honored football tradition: Game Helmet Day! every year, football teams update their playbooks between Christmas and New Year’s, and give out game helmets to fans who make the best suggestions! If you get a game helmet, it is customary to wear it to bed the first night…
…in some universe, apparently.
This story is ridiculous. Even by Tom Batiuk’s standards. At least the Westview Scapegoats more or less resembled a high school football team. Even in Act II, when Batiuk was apparently getting ideas from whatever writers’ room at Disney gives us movies like Air Bud.
Writing the description of what’s honest-to-God happening in Crankshaft felt like this:
Read the first paragraph again, but imagine Ren is calmly explaining it to you, in his “the Prozac just kicked in” voice. Game Helmet Day sounds just as silly and random as Yak Shaving Day, doesn’t it?
Because Tom Batiuk giving himself awards isn’t good enough for the Funkyverse anymore. No, no, no: all awards must take the exact form Tom Batiuk requires. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers already gave Ed Crankshaft an official game ball, instead of having him arrested for barging into a secured area. The team can’t just send Crankshaft a letter informing him of their glorious decision to keep using his play! The rules of courtesy on Planet Batiuk require a second team award, even though he already got one! (Needless to say, phone calls or Internet communication are completely out of the question.)
Tom Batiuk’s writing is about as subtle as a 7-year-old’s Christmas list. It also applies to that dumb Batton Thomas interview, which is probably starting up again soon. That story exists because Batiuk is telling the world how he wants to be treated by interviewers. He expects journalists to sit in rapt attention, and let him drone on for hours about whatever boring comic book-related topic he wants. Oh, and you’re paying for his lunch. (On the plus side, it’s just Luigi’s/Montoni’s.)
Note also that the team caved to Crankshaft’s demand. When Ed asked about having his play added to the team playbook, on August 15, 2025, he was told “not in this lifetime,” as if it was an absurd request (which it was). Now he gets a permanent place in the playbook, and a peace offering, as if he were Genghis Khan. Maybe the team is trying to create a harbinger of Ed’s long-overdue death. I don’t blame them for trying.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Seven years old is the age he was when the glorified jogger in the red leotard punched Captain Koala at Idiotic Speed so today’s having him sleep with his helmet on is on brand.
As for the fictional character he personally reminds me of? Stain from My Hero Academia: a delusional fanboy racing around murdering superheroes who fall short of a totally unreasonable standard.
Banana Jr. 6000,
Happy New Year to all at SOSF!🧨💥❤️🔥❣️
First off, I thought the last post had a perfect response from Epicus Doomus and his delightful Cat Master. The picture was priceless.
My son lives with us as he is saving up money for a down payment on a house. He has a female cat. 🐈 She woke him up during the night to tell him she was thirsty. She will not drink out of a bowl. My son has to get up, go to a sink and turn on the faucet. Then she will drink. Yet it is the way she woke him up. She extended her claws just enough to get his attention, and kept tapping him on the cheek until he got up. He didn’t escalate her by ignoring her.
Then I congratulate Ian’sdrunkenbeard. I enjoyed his story of artificial trees very much. I also miss the revolving lit up aluminum tree.
Now as for my reason for writing. I always approached Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft with the hope some talent would poke its head out of the excrement. I am rarely satisfied. But for my enjoyment, TB did it twice in December. Now this praise goes mainly to Davis. The black and white strips with the red cardinal were so shockingly good artistically. I am surprised they weren’t painted in by some stray colorist. TB had to run some GoComics interference to prevent that happening. Were they also black/white/red on ArcaMax?
Then came this absurd story of Ed receiving a game helmet. I am not the wordsmith that can describe how completely ridiculous this is. But then comes this strip on 1/1/2026. It is so sweet. So adorable. So heartwarming. 😍🥹🤩
ComicBookHarriet, surely, I am in the running for best polisher of a TB 💩?
🎵Should auld acquaintances be forgot…🎶
Happy New Year to one and all!
If there’s a vote for literary fecal burnisher, I will be sure to add you as a candidate!
And a very happy belated birthday to the number one emoji-smith in the comments section! You are appreciated and enjoyed! Keep on rocking in the snark world, brother!
CBH,
“literary fecal burnisher” Now there is a prestigious title! Just to be nominated is an honor. 🥹😍🥸
Thank you very much for the birthday wishes. My First Lady made my favorite meal: fried pork chops (boneless), mashed potatoes and gravy. YaY!
💝♥️💖🫂🌺💐🌹
Yes, I usually read Crankshaft on Arcamax, and the strips were black and white with a red cardinal there, too.
Thank you, Joshua K
Today’s Crankfuckery
Ed: That’s the last time that I sleep while wearing that helmet, as my neck hurts!
(Meanwhile in Westview, Les is walking on the streets, begging for anyone to endlessly phrase him when he encounters both Kunio Fu’unji and Riki Samejima)
Les: You two aren’t marveling in my brilliance. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SHOWER ME IN PRAISE, AS IT GIVES ME STRENGTH!
Kunio: Why are we supposed to fawn over some talentless asshole who thinks he is the “Lord of Language”? Besides, you had that Ed Crankshaft bastard run my girlfriend, Misako Enjōji AND then beat Hiroshi up.
Les: WELL WHO CARES ABOUT THAT!?
Kunio: WELL I DO, AS BOTH OF THEM ARE MY FRIENDS!
(both Kunio and Riki beat the shit out of Les)
You make clumsy children wear a helmet. If they’re death prone, keep a few clones around……
I got the reference, Doc!
1/2: I keep waiting for BD to show up and tell him how stupid he looks.
I would dig that, and I’m not even a big Doonesbury fan.
When he talked to a therapist, BD said he wore helmets because he was worried about brain injury. Good thing Ed has nothing to worry about.
If Ed got CTE, how would you tell?
You couldn’t.
Linda keeping Bull’s suicide helmet on the mantle like a trophy and then giving it to Buck is lowkey one of the oddest things in all of Funky Winkerbean.
That it was. It’s as if they were trying to erase him.
That was just like the “make a toy out of the gun that killed his grandfather” story. Sheesh, they were just so blase about handling the objects that killed their loved ones! Linda did everything with that helmet but serve chips in it. You’ve ever seen any “true crime” type TV shows, you know the family of the victim is not usually willing to dig through the crime scene for keepsakes.
I think that it’s basically Batiuk’s weird, comic influenced storytelling sensibilities. He thinks there’s some poignancy in stuff like that. Linda holds onto Bull’s helmet to remember him, the thing that did something terrible to Jessica’s father is now bringing joy to her son. Batman and Superman have trophy rooms in their bases to remember past cases and those departed, the Flash has an entire museum dedicated to his career. Thus it only makes sense that Linda would want to proudly display the helmet her husband was wearing when he died, it’s important and has meaning.
Of course, that ignores that it’s actually weird as hell in the way that it’s presented in Funky.
Also I suspect that the story with the gun that murdered John Darling, Murdered Father of Jessica Darling, was influenced heavily by Detective Comics #1000 which contains a bit where Bruce finds the gun that murdered his parents being sold, purchases it, melts it down, and uses it as protective armor underneath the emblem on his costume. In fact the sentiment expressed on the page is basically the same sentiment expressed by Darin in that story. There’s no way it’s a coincidence.
Today’s Crankfuckery
Dinkle: EDWARD ROGER DALE CRANKSHAFT, TAKE THAT STUPID HELMET OFF!!!
Ed: FUCK YOU, DINKLE! I’M WEARING THIS SHIT UNTIL I FEEL LIKE TAKING IT OFF! (throws a entire chair onto Dinkle)
My reaction to Friday’s strip was “there’s still one more day of this. How can Ed Crankshaft possibly debase himself any further?” Saturday’s strip is the answer to that question.
1/3: It ends not with a bang or a whimper but with subpar pizza.
Today’s Crankshaft
(ed then pulls out his phone)
Ed: OH, SON OF A BITCH! LENA JUST SENT ME A EMAIL TELLING ME THAT GRANDMA JOHNSON IS TAKING ME TO COURT FOR ALL OF THOSE TIMES THAT I DIDN’T LET EITHER HER DAUGHTER AMY OR AMY’S DAUGHTER ON THE BUS!
1/13: Batiuk is either unaware or doesn’t approve of the use of the phrase “Are you okay?” when it’s used to assess how badly he’s hurt. The dumb kid in him assumes stupidity on the part of the people asking.