Crankshaft Awards 2025, Day 3: The Imposition of Asses

Happy Ash Wednesday and beginning of Lent to all the observant nitters and nittettes out there. In this somber season, those who practice the faith spend time reflecting on human mortality and frailty. We ponder our many, many, many faults, our unworthiness, and humble ourselves before a greater mystery. We then rejoice, as in our humility we find that while we are absolutely definitely assholes, at the same time we are infinitely precious.

I find this kind of ego annihilation that you only get when absolute guilt is mixed with absolute grace liberating. It lets me get on a stupid website and say, “I am a lazy moron. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.” and smile.

Which leads us to this year’s recipient of The Slappy. Batton Thomas. A character that in the face of his own mortality holds a reporter hostage for years so he can recount his lifelong relationship with himself. And that is what is so insufferable about him. Batton talks of no one but himself. That is his greatest relationship, the one he has with his own ego. Narcissus staring at his reflection wasn’t this self absorbed.

And that is why only Batton is up for a Slappy this year. True, Jeff had a couple man-child moments, and Dinkle had a week long prophetic dream where God told him he was the greatest. But everyone paled in comparison to Batton this year. Batton and his stupid, thumb up, palm out, smirking, gesture of smug superiority.

You nominees for the Honorary Les Moore Backpfeifengesicht Award for Most Slappable Batton Thomas

Homeless Batton

Unironic Batton

‘Hardworking’ Batton

Rose-Tinted Nostalgia Batton

Unbearably White Batton

Neurodivergent Batton

Part-Time Imposter Batton

Unapologetic Batton

And the winner is…

Unapologetic Batton

Come on Batton, take a bow. In fact, go full Japanese dogeza, hit your knees, put your forehead in the dirt, prostrate yourself. Before who? Anyone. Anyone but yourself. Learn some humility, for heaven’s sake!