Yes! This story is actually continuing! It’s not an April Fool’s prank, I promise you!
BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Collis D. Smizer.
JUDGE: As you were. Next up is the much-delayed case 53766673, the Village Booksmith fire. Now, Mr. Moore, do you have proper counsel?
MR. BREEF: I am Amicus Breef, from the law firm of Westview Community College Discount Legal Services. I will be representing the defendant, Les Moore.
JUDGE: Very good. Welcome, Mr. Breef. Our previous session ended in the middle of cross examination. Mr. Flaherty, would you like to continue?
CONTINUED CROSS EXAMINATION
(Les Moore, having duly been sworn in, testifies as follows:)
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, I was asking you if you remembered a student of yours named Eric “Mooch” Myers. This student of yours was found to have started two different fires in 1999: one during homecoming, and a second during an ordinary school day. Eric initially reported that second fire to the authorities, and was called a hero on local TV news for doing so.
PROSECUTOR: Do you remember these incidents?
LES: Yes.
PROSECUTOR: At the time, you yourself noted that Myers was seeking attention. Correct?
LES: Yes.
PROSECUTOR: I believe this is also why you started the Village Booksmith fire. You saw an opportunity to be the hero again, taking a bold stand against a non-existent enemy of literature. And you took full advantage of it.
LES: I would never put my own friends at risk.
PROSECUTOR: But you did. You already testified that you put Lillian McKenzie at risk, despite her being uncomfortable with this whole situation, when safer options were available. You also had Pete Roberts-Reynolds and Mindy Murdoch help you. Plus bookstore employees Amelia and Emily Matthews. You certainly didn’t mind putting any of them at risk! You let these people – your three friends, and two underage girls – worry about a threat that they thought was real. Eric Myers may have been your student, but it seems you learned a lot from him as well.
LES: Well, that’s what it means to be a teacher.
PROSECUTOR (ignoring Les): Which is also why the fire was laughably small. You didn’t want anyone to get hurt, or even for Lillian to suffer much property damage. Which is why you started the fire at the very bottom of the building’s wooden stairs, when copies of Fahrenheit 451, the supposed target of all this, were upstairs. And you knew that, because you just moved them up those stairs yourself!
This fire was so far away from the books that it couldn’t possibly have reached them. And, it was easily visible from the outside, so it would be seen and put out quickly. All of this is consistent with your motive of wanting to set a fire without actually burning anything.
On top of all that, creosote oil is a wood preservative, as well as a fire accelerant. Which would explain your choice of this unorthodox arson catalyst. You might as well have applied fire-resistant wood sealant to Lillian’s staircase before you set it on fire. Do you deny any of this?
LES: You’re proven nothing.
PROSECUTOR: And what of Lillian herself? She flat-out told you she didn’t feel safe, when you were the one she should have been afraid of all along! And you knew that! An elderly single woman who —
LILLIAN McKENZIE: I’m single because–
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: We know, Lillian!
JUDGE (banging gavel): Order!
(Order is restored.)
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, do you recognize this document?
LES: It appears to be a sales receipt for an online purchase.
PROSECUTOR: And can you tell the court what items were purchased?
LES: It’s– wait, what? You can’t pull this out on me at the last minute!
MR. BREEF: Your Honor, I object! I want to file a subpoena for the evidence!
LES: What?
(A brief, confused pause.)
JUDGE: Mr. Breef, all the evidence has already been presented, and provided to you. Are you suggesting there is a need to subpoena new evidence?
MR. BREEF: Umm…
JUDGE: Overruled. Lack of relevance. The counselor may continue.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, this document was given to you during discovery, as was all the other evidence, when you were effectively pro se. It was also given to Mr. Breef as soon as he notified my office that he was your new counsel. We have the electronic records to prove this exchange took place. So I will ask you again, Mr. Moore: will you please tell the court what items were purchased in this receipt? You are under oath.
LES: Ummmm, creosote oil, and a copy of the book Lisa’s Story.
LES: But so what? Anybody could have bought those things.
PROSECUTOR: “A” copy of Lisa’s Story? Can you double-check the quantity?
LES: Uh, three.
PROSECUTOR: Three?
LES: Hundred.
LILLIAN (from the audience): Hey!
PROSECUTOR (in full “the defendant is full of shit and I’m about to prove it” mode): Now, who on earth needs to buy 300 copies of the same book? Other than the man who wrote that book, and does frequent public signings of that book?
LES: Maybe the buyer wanted to read it more than once?
(No one laughs.)
LILLIAN: You bastard!
JUDGE: Order! Ms. McKenzie, no more outbursts, or I will ask you to leave.
(Lillian sits down.)
PROSECUTOR: Can you also tell me the quantity of the creosote oil?
LES: 20 liters.
PROSECUTOR: And who is the purchaser on this invoice?
LES (scanning the document): Well, I can already see it’s not me, it’s the…
LES: Lisa’s Legacy Foundation.
PROSECUTOR: And are you the director of the Lisa’s Legacy Foundation?
LES: Yes.
PROSECUTOR (blatantly hamming it up now): Why does a charitable organization need creosote oil at all? Much less 20 liters of it?
LES: Is it too late to change my plea?
April fools! It really wasn’t a prank. I let this story sit way too long, and I thought it would be a nice surprise to finally deliver the goods. My re-telling of The Burnings will resume on a more regular basis soon. Really. Also, last year’s prank was going to be hard to top.
Past installments of the story were:
- Prologue 1: If The Burnings Were A Movie, You’d Walk Out. Let’s Write A Better One.
- Prologue 2: Murder In The Burnings: The Minor Suspects
- Prologue 3: Murder In The Burnings: The Major Suspects
- Chapter 1: Testimony Of Nate Green
- Chapter 2: Testimony Of Arson Investigator
- Chapter 3: Further Testimony Of Blaise Ashcomb
- Chapter 4: Testimony Of Skip Rawlings
- Chapter 5: Testimony Of Police Investigator
- Chapter 6: Testimony Of Student
- Chapter 7: Cross Examination Of Defendant
- Chapter 8: Further Cross Examination Of Les Moore
Today’s installment was Chapter 9. Stay tuned for Chapter 10!
Son of Stuck Funky 
This is more satisfying than what actually dropped: performative cruelty to a well meaning incompetent.
BRAVO, BJr6K! You’ve done what scientists thought impossible — made a story about Les Moore interesting!
He makes more sense as a Scooby Doo villain than he ever did as any sort of sympathetic character.
4/1: Watching the sitting duck antagonist be reminded how little she’s thought of is soooooooo amusing.
RE: Today’s 4/1 ‘Shaft: Hahaha, it’s funny because Lena–bad baker though she is–still regularly brings in free treats for the garage crew as an act of friendship, and all they do in return is constantly ridicule her to her face and mock her culinary abilities.
Lena is actually the real Batiuk self-insert. He thinks it’s Les, he thinks it’s Jff, he thinks it’s Batton Thomas — bores who can’t move past the things that seemed neato to a 5th Grader. That’d be sad enough, but it’s wrong.
Lena is Tom Batiuk. She believes she’s creating culinary art; she believes her audience is hungrily waiting to consume her efforts; she is utterly oblivious to critiques, or outright rejection. She never ceases proudly serving up unpalatable garbage, and her audience never ceases to reject her offerings.
Three chef’s kisses for Amicus Breef and his demanding to subpoena evidence. A great use of one of TB’s most insipid and useless characters… which is, you know, saying something.
He really did get lazy with names by the end, or maybe started borrowing too much from Crankshaft. Les Moore is a pun that’s also a real name. I can also at least entertain the idea that John “Jack” Stropp and Harry Dinkle could be real names because I’ve certainly seem some punny or questionable names IRL. But Mason Jarr? Amicus Breef? Come on.
Which is another example of how the Funkyverse has no tone whatsoever. The jokey names worked for the first act, and for the second as Batiuk correctly decided not to rename anyone. But he kept making characters with these dumb punny names well into the Stage 4 Cancer era of the strip. And for characters we’re supposed to take seriously, like a lawyer who’s trying to save a character from being wrongly deported!
Also: “Atticus Breef” was right there.
Today’s Crankfuckery
(the brownies start levitating, and then are launched towards Ed’s head, instantly killing him. A guy with dyed purple hair and wearing a black jacket and a dulled red shirt hands Lena $55 and then walks out of the building)
What an unexpected surprise!
Even though this has been taking a while to restart, this probably hasn’t experienced any more delays than an actual real-world trial. Looking forward to further installments!
Yeah, that was one reason I didn’t worry too much about letting the story sit for awhile (when I wasn’t feeling inspired about writing it). I knew I could justify it with the words “much-delayed.”
And, it’s only been 13 months since the last installment. Only slightly longer than Tom Batiuk’s usual lead time! Where’s my Pulitzer?
Isn’t that what we’re all asking? “Where’s my Pulitzer?”
4/2: And another joke about Ed’s brain stripping its gears.
What the hell is even going on in today’s strip? Ed’s following another care waaaaaay too closely, says something that isn’t a joke or pun of any kind, then a wordless panel where Pam seems to be finally realizing that her father should not be driving.
Well, it’s taken almost 40 years, but “Crankshaft” the comic strip has finally completed its lengthy larval and pupal stages and emerged from the chrysalis in its purest quintessential format. Henceforth each day’s strip will simply feature a first panel where Ed makes a non sequitur comment about the world he sees through 100-year old eyes, a comment that has little bearing on reality, and then the second panel will feature a family member, co-worker or acquaintance who silently stares at him and wonders to themselves about the color of the sky and clouds in Ed’s private little world. Hello, Pulitzer!
As I said on Arcamax, this reminded me of a concern I have about how sooner or later, most boomers aren’t going to be fit to drive.
When exactly were most of them fit to do so?
You got me there. Most of them got their license out of a box of Cracker Jacks.
Wtf you talkin’ about? I’m a highway star!
The problem is real.
We’re on the first steps towards Ed ending up as a desiccated husk at Bedside Manor once more/for the first time.
Okay, so I need to discuss Thursday’s strip a little further. As it clearly makes absolutely no sense on its own, I thought perhaps there’d be some sort of follow-up strip that would make it all snap into focus.
Nope.
So Batiuk write this completely pointless, unfathomable wisp of nothingness that would make even David Lynch say “Uh … what the heck?” Then Davis shrugged and illustrated it, because … well, because ten bucks is ten bucks, I guess. Them the syndicate editor, who presumably checks the submitted strip only to make sure it isn’t completely blank (and perhaps possibly, if they’re feeling ambitious, to double check that there aren’t too many dirty words or ethnic slurs), gave it the thumbs up. Finally,it was slotted into newspapers across the country by an automatic layout app, almost certainly without being read by anyone on staff.
And thus was the “Swimming With Bicycles” strip unleashed upon the world! Which yawned, and turned the page.
– FIN –
That strip looked like the third panel was missing. As if Pam and Ed were both waiting for the other to say something that made the first panel make sense. Did somebody miss their cue?
I would have accepted confusing Lance Armstrong with Neil Armstrong. This is just scary.
AMAZING
Thank you, Harriet. You gave me the idea when you said a calf was born wearing RayBans.
Much better than the actual strip.
RE: Fri. 4/3’s ‘Shaft: Well, we’re out of the pure Zen Crankshaft universe. Now it’s Pmm, who is a female and therefore always wants something but can’t make up her mind about it–pure comedy gold.
At first I was wondering why anyone would want to “reno” those beautiful kitchen walls of circa 1923 wallpaper and wainscoting. Then I started to think about who would pay for it. It’s not Ed’s house, is it? It’s Pmm and Jff’s, I believe, so they would be handling the finances. And then I got stuck on another topic; What do Pmm and Jff do all day? Have we ever seen either of them working at a job? Canonically they’re both in their 70s and retired now, but did early strips ever show them at an office, in a store, or soliciting clients on a street corner?
That’s a good question. I have no clue what Jeff’s job was either. All I know is that he had enough cash to think nothing of taking a trip to Los Angeles during fire season because Inner Child or to attend a Bombers home game because Mommy ruined his binky. If the whims of a spoiled brat are being indulged, no expense may be spared.
Jeff was some kind of accountant. This came up when I was researching the Max and Hannah arc. He and Pam are both old enough to be retired now, because being at Kent State at 1970 puts their year of birth around 1950.
Jfff’s job was living a soulless and hellish existence of having to actually provide for others and be of some use to society until retirement could bring him the freedom to pursue the path of Funkyverse enlightenment brought by careful reading of silver age comic books, Tarzan and Flash Gordon comic strips and 1940s pulp movie serials.
The only way he’d make enough to do what he does is if he was a Mafia accountant.
Nah, Jeff makes extra money the Funkyverse way: by selling some of his comic books.
Because Tommy Bot thinks they’re worth something.
4/3: Batiuk’s the George Wallace of Mommy Issues. Male characters can waste their money on shiny trash because being a cruel, selfish and gutless third grader is Humanity’s nation but girls want to spend and spend and spend on things that don’t delight a spoiled brat.
Yesterday’s Crankfuckery
(snore)
Today’s Crankfuckery
Jeff: Pam, didn’t you hear about what happened to Paul Rabin?
Pam: What about him?
Jeff: He’s dead, murdered by some guy named Torment.
Pam: That’s nice to hear, heard that nobody liked Paul at all.
4/4: This is rich coming from the litigious macaroon. He used to have a sock puppet account whining about being bullied by bullying comments about how its was actually Dead Skunk Head who’d be shown the door.
Today’s Crankfuckery
(ZZZZZZ)
Funny how Hannah actually looks older than Cindy in this art. By the by, Cindy is in what, now, her eighth trimester of pregnancy?
Banana has risen! Thanks for the post. May Les burn in hell!