Full confession time. I planned to get Part 4 of my stupid fanfic out to the literally half dozen people here interested in heartfelt Crankshaft AU. But I’m going on vacation in like….five hours, and I’m worse with deadlines than GRR Martin. But I thought I’d whip up some lazy history to tide you guys over, Fire and Blood style. So enjoy a trip down memory lane, back to a time when Batiuk was just as long winded, but the art was nicer I guess.
Strap in for long dead famous people, off the shelf stock characters, love at first date, and back alley torture scenes.
I worked really really hard taking these snapshots of my Roses in December paperback with my phone, crouched on the pink floral bedspread of my late grandmother’s best guest room. Then emailing them to myself and rotating them in MS Paint. So I hope you appreciate the literal minutes this half assed post took.
See ya soon!
Son of Stuck Funky 
It tracks that Ralph probably still doesn’t suspect Vinny of being a ghoulish thief. After all, Eugene will die not suspecting that sibling rivalry ruined his life. Also, someone contradicted himself as regards Larry.
19 August: News Flash! Larry Dinkle enjoyed gazpacho pizza!
Also, if he’s violent enough to smash fingers, Mafia Guy is violent enough to smack his girlfriend around.
I think this is the longest bit of old-time Crankshaft I’ve ever seen, and I’m impressed. That’s some good (not necessarily great, but good) stuff.
What’s the “joke” of the third strip, where the boy (name?) is imagining Ralph lying in bed with different-colored pants?
I think the joke is that Max is imagining a huge, floor standing, old timey radio in bed with Ralph.
Yeah Crankshaft was remarkably consistent for decades, and it’s only fallen apart in the last decade IMO. From the beginning it had a bunch of gags, a more serious prestige arc here and there, and decent artwork. I’ll always say it was the better strip.
Thank you CBH for taking the time to compile this!
Now that’s a fun trip down memory lane. 20s/30s New York full of gangsters and horns, what a mix. And I guess it’s fitting in a way if we’re in for a second helping of Dinkle lore, as brief as Larry’s role in this was.
Also for some other Funkyshaft relevance that’s a month away from topicality, last week YouTuber Don McHoull, whose started doing a bunch of videos on comic strip history, put up a video about the funny pages’ handlings of 9/11. Funky’s short arc where Cindy reported from Ground Zero gets a mention, as does one of the anniversary strips Crankshaft ran, though they’re a pretty small piece of the tapestry overall. But hey, the vid’s at 60k views so far, that’s more exposure than most of the Funkyverse’s presence on YouTube has gotten.
Nice (or perhaps not) to contrast that ambitious and pretty entertaining Crankshaft story arc with today’s effort to make late-stage Apartment 3G look good.
I would say that Ralph should know better than to let someone too young to understand obsolete technology handle said obsolete technology… but my niece broke my Sega Saturn when I let her play with it a few years back so I’ll not be hypocritical.
Ayers artwork really is very good.
There’s a coherent, identifiable story here, but I’ll argue that this doesn’t really work all that well as a series of daily strips … it’s just not a particularly well-suited medium for the extended narrative Batiuk’s going for. It works better as a piece read sequentially all at once — but then you have to deal with the repeated information and stop/start pacing. What Batiuk really wanted to do was write a comic book/graphic novel, but this is the medium that would pay him…
And it’s got lotsa the typical Batiuk tropes, doesn’t it? The most obvious being that bad luck causes our protagonist to miss his ONE BIG CHANCE; once the ONE BIG CHANCE is missed, there is no possible way to get another. (Because when Ralph returns in ’42, it’s got to be Bunny Berrigan’s band and Bunny himself that hires him. There is no other band that existed in NYC in ’42. There is no point trying to see if there are other opportunities. No other path to success as a trumpeter exists. You blew your ONE BIG CHANCE, and the universe will ensure you never get another. Might as well turn around and go home.)
But yeah, this is still miles ahead — parsecs ahead — of Batiuk’s current attempts at creating a prestige arc!
And Tom Batiuk’s favorite trope, And Then He Died.
Plus, the constant story line of yet another exurban Cleveland hick, being plucked out of nowhere by a famous entity, and immediately promoted to the top of their art form Because They’re Just So Talented.
And having to go to New York to confirm this.
Well, they don’t make movies or publish comics in Chicago, do they?
If there’s more than One Big Chance, they can’t be victims.
Yeah, I’m so tired of seeing someone’s dreams being crushed by unusual circumstances. It seems like only Les and any character involved in the comic book industry are the only ones who get ahead in this strip. I give this story a C+.
I have a confession to make that might explain things: the instrument has yet to be manufactured that can measure my indifference to what happened to Siegel and Shuster. Every story is their story of failing to have ideas that don’t wear long underwear. They sold the property for the going rate so have no kick coming
Today’s Crankfuckery
PLEASE NOT ANOTHER STORYLINE REVOLVING AROUND DINKLE
You misspelled “six weeks of pointless exposition..”
20 August: The malady lingers on.
Hey, these ain’t bad! Some glimmers of Batiuk’s worst tendencies, yes. For example, the trope of something happening that seems portentious but turns out to be meaningless and easily fixed (so why put it in the story at all?) — that’d be Max dropping the fragile shellac record.
And Batiuk’s worst tendency: Characters go boneless and give up the moment something bad happens. I mean, every musician of the era knew that gangsters controlled most of the nightclubs and were not to be messed with. Ralph could have gone to Berigan and explained what happened, and gotten the job as soon as he was healed enough to get back to his horn. But instead, like all of Batiuk’s protagonists, he slumped his shoulders and gave up.
Other than those quibbles, I have to say this was a pretty good arc, and Ayers in his prime, when he had good material, really was an interesting and expressive artist. Thanks, CBH! And enjoy your vacation.
It’s this I Only Have One Chance nonsense that drives the defeatists.
What gives it such a trainwreck quality is that it is SO clearly The Tom Batiuk Story that he can’t stop himself from playing out over and over and over again.
Tom heads out from Crib Death, Ohio, for New York, utterly convinced that someone there will notice his Innate Specialness, his Raw But Undeniable Potential, and his Completely Amazing Creativity That Everybody He Knows Always Says Is Completely Amazing. The Big City elite will happily invite him into to their exclusive club, where he will be with his kind forever.
But — tragically — it doesn’t happen! That couldn’t really be Tom’s fault, though … could it? Maybe the one person who would have accurately divined Batiuk’s Special Specialness was delayed the day Batiuk was going to be interviewed, and therefore wasn’t around to do any divining. Maybe something awful happened to him, and that’s why he wasn’t there! Like he got beat up, or mugged, or killed. Ha! It would serve him right, the oaf, for not being there on that one important day! Stupid big meanie…
But that was Tom Batuik’s ONE BIG CHANCE, and it’s over. No use going back and trying again. (TEENY TINY VOICE: …because then you’d discover that your application was a joke, and that you do not have even a minuscule fraction of the talent necessary to be a comic book writer, and that you would never, ever get hired as a comic book writer under any circumstances, not ever, ever, ever, ever –) BIGGER VOICE DROWNING EVERYTHING ELSE OUT: Because it would be a waste of time, you never get second chances, bad luck prevented you from doing the thing you want that’s all, better to be a comic strip writer for 50+ years than to try again, because the universe only gives you one chance, that’s an iron law, you could have done it but something stupid happened and it would totally be a waste of time to even expend one iota of energy on trying again because the universe is unfair and what are you gonna do La La LA LA LALALALA!
And … scene.
He can’t admit that he’s just not cut out to do something.
Couldn’t Crankershaft taken a picture and sent it as a text to Dinkle’s phone? Oh, right. Never mind.
Oh, one other quibble… I’m probably the only SoSF’er who actually loves Big Band music, and Berigan was undeniably talented, but his career (as noted by Batiuk himself) was cut short as he drank himself to death. However, the *greatest* jazz trumpeter who ever lived? Greater than Louis Armstrong? Greater than Miles Davis, Chet Baker, Bix Beiderbecke, Dizzy Gillespie?
I also enjoy big band music and played drums in a local big band when I was younger. I agree with your thoughts about Berigan.
It’s the first example of And Then He Died.
Berigan was undeniably talented, but his career (as noted by Batiuk himself) was cut short as he drank himself to death.
When did Batiuk note that? All I see from the story is that Berigan was about to make Ralph Meckler a big star, despite Berigan’s own star having faded. And Then He Died. And then Ralph immediately gave up and went back to Cleveland. And the New York starlet conveniently jumped on the first train back to Cleveland with him, because he was standing next to her at the time. It’s a story Batiuk has told at least 726,000,000 times.
The chip on Batiuk’s shoulder must be the size of a small galaxy. The man’s built an amazing career out of 50 years of poor-to-slightly-above-average work. But he writes story after story where someone just like him (a lazy but mildly skilled Clevelander) goes unappreciated.
A birthday gift I received as an early teenager from my uncle was Artie Shaw’s Blues In The Night, and it was one of my most played CDs at the time. Growing up with Looney Tunes will give anyone an appreciation for that musical style too, if they’re paying attention to it at least.
Still, I don’t claim to be the most knowledgeable of the names within it, as I had no idea who Bunny Berigan is.
If you enjoy the music in Looney Tunes, check out The Carl Stalling Project, a treasure trove of scores and music cues from WB cartoons. Also check out Raymond Scott’s “Reckless Nights and Turkish Twlights”, where you’ll hear many of the original compositions that Carl Stalling used as score material. You will 100% recognize the quirky Raymond Scott instrumental “Powerhouse” (a composition so familiar that if you didn’t already know it was a real swing era instrumental — not a piece written for cartoons, but an actual song — you’ll be stunned).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ft60BtJ5sY
Regarding today’s *Crankshaft,” were I to strike a note similar to Dinkle’s, I would probably say “Mordru on a Jet Ski,” from what I’ve read about “Legends of the Superheroes.”
Hidden Island Lake is beautiful this time of the year!
21 August : It’s a photo of him in that stupid uniform, isn’t it?
The Dinkles’ “new favorite pizza place”, by the way, is where they had their 50th Wedding Anniversary party.
Batiuk has a handy out for not caring about continuity: Time Mop.
Both Yesterday and Today’s Crankfuckery
(ZZZZZZZ)
22 August: And now, we’re going to go on a saga about Tony being a fan of Larry Dinkle.
To quote Andy Richter: “It’s like someone saying, ‘I gotta show you something,’ and then they take you on a four-mile hike to show you a dog turd.”
A dog turd can at least fertilize something .
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…
In The Name Of The Father II: The ReFathering.
A TOM BATIUK PRODUCTION
Starring
HARRY L DINKLE
Featuring
Ed Crankshaft
Tony Montoni
Lillian McKenzie
Harriet Dinkle
and
LISA CRAWFORD MOORE
as
The Ghost Of St. Lisa Who Is Just Out Of Frame In Every Shot
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM BATIUK
The critics rave:
“Starts poorly, but then really goes downhill.”
“Arguably marginally better than another Skip Bittman/Batton Thomas week. Marginally.”
“Dear Sir: We are returning this Pulitzer application. We remind you that under the terms of the restraining order, you are forbidden to contact us in any manner.”
Today’s Crankfuckery
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ANOTHER STORYLINE ABOUT LARRY L. DINKLE
I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THAT BULLSHIT
23 August: Dinkleberg mansplains nicknames to his wife.
RE: Sunday 8/23’s ‘Shaft: Hey, look, gang! It’s time to play everyone’s favorite game, “Name the Montoni’s Wall of Fame Celebrities!” How many can you identify? I spy Hollywood heartthrob Mason Jarre; murdered TV talk show host John Darling, who was murdered; former president Bill Clinton; and some egotistical ex-band director’s father. Can anyone out there figure out the photo in the upper center?
That they have the John Darling picture back is the least believable thing about this. Last we heard the crazy-obsessed collector who even had the gun that killed him (and let it go for pocket change) was after it at Montoni’s auction, and there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell I imagine he would’ve given it back for free.
When everyone decided to inexplicably return all the crap they bought at the Montoni’s closing sale (including Lillian and her half-million dollar Tiffany lamp), it was SPECIFICALLY said that the only thing NOT brought back was the picture of John Darling Who Was Murdered.
So not only is there no chance he would have brought it back, it was outright said that he didn’t. (But, y’know, continuity is for chumps.)
23 August: Harry bores his wife with trivia she doesn’t care about. Thinking that’s why we get the Dumb Girl routine: Mrs Batiuk didn’t give two shits about the infantile trash he was dulling his mind with.
“[M]urdered TV talk show host John Darling, who was murdered.” And then he died.
Instead of getting the usual throw-away panel, today we get a whole throw-away strip. Well, okay ANOTHER throw-away strip.
Does anyone remember the Oasis song “All Around the World”? Is the lead single on their forgotten third album, Be Here Now. It is the most overblown, overproduced, oversized, tedious song in music history. It was built on Oasis’ arrogant (but correct) assumption that any crap they released would immediately go to number one (in the UK, at least). So it was time for their artist’s statement! The entire album is like that. The final song on the album is entitled “All Around the World (Reprise),” as if people wanted two more minutes of a dull song that was already almost ten.
Which is exactly what this week feels like. Yes, Tom, please bring back Dinkle so he can talk about his long-dead father some more, after you spent six weeks not doing it the first time.
This really encapsulates how inane Batty’s stuff is at this point. Was a week really necessary to build up to the reveal that Daddy Dinkle’s picture was on Montoni’s wall? You knew where this was going to from Day 1 and it’s not like there’s any twists and turns getting there. It’s just a week of two panel comics of dopey old people going “Can you believe it!? It’s…” and “I don’t believe it! It’s…” all to get to a destination we knew we were going to be at. Is Batty using AI to “write” this or has whatever marginal skill or ability to make even a doofy nonsensical dramatic story degraded to the point where it’s effectively indistuingshable?
Yep, it’s called padding. Or phoning it in. Or not giving a shit anymore. [see Worth, Mary]
It’s b. He’s never had a wealth of talent for dramatic writing, but he’s coming up on 80 in just over six months, and his abilities are draining steadily. 80 is not necessarily old — I know some very sharp people in their 80s and 90s. But I also a know a few whose cognitive abilities started to fade slowly but perceptibly as early as about 77 or so. I fear that Batiuk is one of them … and the evidence certainly points in that direction.
24 August: An idiotic arc that does a subpar job of slamming Elongated Muskrat is at least not the Batton Death March.
And thank God it isn’t more Dinkle
Or more stuff blowing up.
The week is young. And Montoni’s is the nexus. All of these could still occur….
I’d take that over Dinkle any day
It honestly feels like every time Mindy and Pete interact, Mindy deeply regrets the choice she’s made in shacking up with this loser and yet finds herself stuck and unable to get away for whatever reason. So she trudges through life every day, waitressing at a flailing pizza restaurant the next town over co-owned by a man/woman who dresses in pizza boxes, working for her moronic dickhead fiance. “Yes Pete, pizza robots are good idea,” she says with the resignation of a woman who looks at this place and remembers people like Holly and Donna and knows that too is her fate.
That appears to be his ideal of what a relationship is: unavoidable servitude to a smug, self-congratulatory permanent infant.
Yesterday’s Crankfuckery
Mindy: Get out before I pepper spray you, Harold L. Dinkle.
Today’s Crankfuckery
(the robot waiter then charges towards Pete and beats him up)
25 August: And now, the robot is more of a character than Mindull.
That’s the fantasy, isn’t it? Being Mommy to a selfish, sneering, hateful ass bucket who won’t bloody grow up.
Would have been funnier if “Pepper” was short for “Crushed Red Pepper”.
Alright, casual robots again. One step closer to Lillian getting her own, why not (assuming this isn’t a dream at the end of the week.)
I swear this robot looks familiar though, but with the paywall on GoComics I can’t easily check the archives for this hunch.
Day 3 of “yep, it’s a robot, all right.”
Today’s Crankfuckery
Day 2 of Montoni’s Week
Pepper the Waiter Robot: Mr. Reynolds, Why didn’t you just rehire Rachel and Wally Winkerbean? That way I could be helping your wife’s asshole of a grandfather coming up with ways to get rid of Harry L. Dinkle for good.
Wally and Rachel: “Hey, don’t go trying to drag us back into that pit of misery and despair! At least if we never appear, Batiuk can’t do anything bad to us again!”
Why did WP eat my last comment? Frown.
Harriet, thank you for the post of more content that I haven’t seen. Ayers really did so much to elevate that strip.
26 August: Pepper, Camera Three…..The job nobody wants is dealing with Mopey Pete.
Looking back at these old strips, it occurred to me that they also contain another of Batiuk’s favorite (and annoying) tropes. Ralph ends up with Bunny Berigan’s trumpet, something that should probably have some degree of value, but since he bought it from the pawn shop where it got hocked, he probably didn’t have to pay nearly what it should be worth. So it’s yet another example of someone getting something valuable for basically nothing, that just happened to fall into their laps. (Like Crazy finding that Amazing Fantasy #15 on a spinner rack in 1980, and then Skunkhead finding it on the park bench when Crazy returned to the present, or Les being gifted a friggin’ Academy Award, or… well, you can probably fill in your own examples.) Batiuk just loves him some unearned windfalls, doesn’t he?
On top of that, Berigan’s signature grooved mouthpiece should have made it easy for anyone to identify the trumpet as his. But in the Funkyverse, only Tom Batiuk-preferred characters have that level of insight.
Like how the great Les Moore brilliantly defeated the reality show by having everyone in town refuse to talk to them. Believe me, that isn’t an obstacle.
Shouldn’t Mopey and Mindull be celebrating the seven-year anniversary of their engagement this week?
Maybe if we get to the wedding this year they can have Cindy and Masonne’s now 2 1/2-year-old daughter Mandy (you know, part Masonne, part Cindy) be flower girl.