Sports stories are some of the easiest stories to tell. The scrappy underdog rookies always pull off the last-second victory against the team of Jerk Jocks. With this week’s bus rodeo story in Crankshaft, Tom Batiuk seems to be making the sports story into some kind of performance art.
I realize that a bus rodeo isn’t exactly a sport. But it’s close enough for the comparison I want to do, which is to sports movies. Here is a list of all the ways Batiuk dropped the ball on one of the most straightforward narrative formulas out there. And screwed up some of the most basic narrative techniques that exist. Sports stories should:
I’ve come to realize that my writing style can be… a little harsh. I’ve been making an effort to dial back my vitriol, focus my criticisms less on the creator as a person, and direct them at his work only. I even wrote a genuinely nice anniversary announcement just a couple days ago. But today I saw something that made me realize that the awfulness of the creator and awfulness of his work can never be truly separated.
I don’t usually talk about Tom Batiuk’s e-mail newsletters. They’re a semi-private message, intended for a curated list of fans, not the general public. Because of my J-school background, I feel that airing them in public is a little unethical. But I just can’t let this go uncommented on. Besides, we’ll all see it in the Akron Beacon-Journal soon enough. Here it is:
Just like the Pulitzer Prize-nominated Lisa’s Story, with an even measure of humor, hope and tragedy, tackled breast cancer, raising awareness for and about the leading cause of cancer in women, so I hope the upcoming Jeff’s Story can educate and inform on prostate cancer, the leading form of cancer in men.
Pardon the interruption, but I’m Banana Jr. 6000. If I give you a Susan Smith reaction, will you all stop asking me about it?
Let’s spend Five Good Minutes on the legacy of Funky Winkerbean. I know we’re here mostly to celebrate its… not-so-good aspects, but let’s take a moment to acknowledge its place in history. For its first 20 years, Funky Winkerbean was a snarky lampooning of life in high school and beyond, long before the word “snarky” was even invented. It even had an iconic debut strip:
“Murder In The Burnings” continues. Today, we see the town’s reactions to Les Moore’s shocking admission. You can read all previous installments under the Burnings tag.
“Murder In The Burnings”, my retelling of Crankshaft‘s burnings plot, continues. You can read all previous installments under the Burnings tag.
PROSECUTOR: There are no anti-Fahrenheit 451 protestors in Westview or Centerville, Mr. Moore. They do not exist. They never existed. You need them to exist, but nobody’s falling for that red herring anymore. The fire at the Village Booksmith was started by you, and only you.
LES: This entire proceeding is an insult to my dignity.
PROSECUTOR: No, it isn’t. All the evidence points to you. You had the means, motive, and opportunity to start that fire at the Village Booksmith. And you’re the only person on earth who did.
PROSECUTOR: Yes, you have. Mr. Moore, do you remember a student of yours named Eric Myers?
LES: I’ve had a lot of students over the years. I don’t remember them all.
PROSECUTOR: This student started two different fires at Westview High School.
LES: You mean Mooch? (scoffs) You can’t be serious. That was ages ago. That was before I let Lisa die.
(commotion)
THE JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order. Order in the court. Order. You may proceed, counselor.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, could you repeat what you just said?
LES: Oh come on, you all know what I meant, right? I mean, after Lisa made her courageous decision to end treatment! You all saw it! It won an Oscar!
PROSECUTOR: Yes, I do remember that. But, I don’t remember where Lisa ever discussed this decision with anyone. Not even you. Am I remembering wrong?
LES: Uh…
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, did you start the fire at the Village Booksmith?
LES: Ummm….
(click)
VOICE: Hello, this is Lisa Crawford Moore. If you’re watching this tape, my client has chosen to exercise his or her right to remain silent…
THE JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order. All right, that’s enough. Mr. Moore, I’m going to issue a continuance so you can get some, uh, living representation. We will resume this case at a later date. And don’t bring those VHS tapes to my courtroom again. Court is adjourned.
Son of Stuck Funky 
