beckoningchasm

The Day of the Burning

I’m writing this before I know what the strip is going to be, because I’m lazy and hate doing research, and only want to talk about things that interest me, like fungi from Yuggoth and the best pearl-handled revolvers.

Ha ha, just kidding. But it has been a long, long week in the real world, so I’m not going to stay up until midnight to find out what kind of a let-down the week has been building to. I know, I know! Dereliction of duty, put that man in irons, Mr. Fibuli.

Well, since none of us will know what Saturday’s offering will bring until midnight, here’s my speculation, panel by panel.

Panel 1 – Holly covers her face in her hands as the, uh, computer, um, announces the winner of the Starbuck Jones auction in the background. That’s how eBay works, right?

Panel 2 -Holly says, “Oh, Cory, I only wanted to do something to bring us closer–”

Panel 3 – Holly, weighed down with several rifles and automatic weapons, heads to the front door. “–instead, I’ll do something so you can remember me.”

I’m posting this before midnight because see: above about being lazy. Let’s all meet back here tomorrow night at the same time, and we can talk about how Sunday a) wraps everything up nicely (yay!) or b) portends a second week of comic-book hunting (boo!).

UPDATE: And the lamest possible outcome…one that no one, including myself, anticipated…turns out to be the winner.

Tom Batiuk, you still have the power to dazzle us. Although I think “dazzle” might be the wrong word, here…

Final War and Other Fantasies

Link To Today’s Strip

And here we are, almost at the end of the week…and perhaps, almost at the end of this chapter in the “Holly Buys Comics, Because Cory” saga? Not much room left for Holly to get what she wants, is there? All those pings!

My mutant super-power of being able to see future Funky Winkerbean strips–which is, trust me, the worst mutant super-power ever–is failing me at this point. So let’s speculate.

I see today’s strip leading to the following three possible conclusions.

1 – a bitter Holly lectures everyone how evil technology has ruined her quest (for the moment). She should have put her faith in people, and not processors. This scenario has the advantage of ending the arc with Saturday’s strip, allowing Sunday’s to be another comic cover with a smirk in the corner. Of course, we know Tom Batiuk is not a fan of short-and-to-the-point; the whole comic strip screams that.

2 – Holly receives an email from the winning bidder, which goes something like this. “I am sorry that my $11.54 bid meant that you did not get the comic. I did not know, at the time, that your son was in the service. I am therefore going to mail you the comic, free of charge, along with a personal check for $11.54.”

3 – Holly goes to the Komix Korner to, uh, drown her sorrows or something. And a smiling John Howard produces the comic! “I outbid everyone else, to a final cost of $15,011.54, just so I could give you the comic for free! Because Cory Winkerbean!”

Both 2 and 3 mean extending this by another week–which would be kind of difficult to do, since all it really needs is an extra couple of panels…D’oh! What am I saying? Funky Winkerbean specializes in stretching things way past the breaking point!

You know, I write these entries a year in advance (give or take 360-odd weeks) and I was a little surprised that everyone here already guessed all three of these outcomes. Of course, they’re all blindingly obvious. But maybe Tom Batiuk has a surprise for us! I guess we’ll see, together, how this flops across the finish line. In the meantime, I just gotta say this: Holly’s unborn clown face in panel one is terrifying.

The Gamesman

Link To Today’s Strip

“Unnatural hand gestures” ahoy! I don’t recommend looking very closely at panel two, because you’ll probably end up like me: wondering what the hell those body parts are supposed to be, and how they got there.

Panel three is pretty good nightmare fuel as well; those of you with small children might want to cut it out and paste it on cardboard, to see if you can use it to make the kids eat their peas. Tell them she’s hiding under the bed, and only vegetables keep her away.

I do have to admire the way she’s all prepped and ready to…watch the progress of an online auction. Not to actually do anything (strictly forbidden in the Funkyverse anyway)…but just sit there and watch, and hope no one outbids her. The excitement just never ends, does it? Well, that’s because it never begins either but you can’t have everything. You should have learned that by now.

Tactics of Conquest

Link To Today’s Strip

I always thought the term was “poaching” and not “sandbagging,” but what do I know? I certainly don’t have a Pulitzer nomination on my shelf. I would also think that someone snatching a last-minute prize wouldn’t “snipe”* it, but now I’m just getting all beady-eyed.

Judging by Harry and John’s wild gesticulation, the Starbuck Jones saga is something they find quite engaging. And it serves as a good illustration of one of Funky Winkerbean‘s problems: telling and not showing. Stories about people in comic books can be very entertaining, since those people are usually doing things or plotting to do things. Stories about people collecting comic books are not interesting. At all. Especially when they consist entirely of “I’m looking for an issue,” “Oh, well, here you are, then” stretched out over a week. As pointed out some time ago by BillyTheSkink (thanks Billy!), it’s the reverse of Monty Python’s “Cheese Shop” sketch.

What would be funny (in a rather “meta” sense of course) would be if the object of Holly’s quest wasn’t Starbuck Jones but instead something more in keeping with the general tenor of Funky Winkerbean. To wit:

Holly: “Good morning, I’m looking for a particular comic for my son, who’s serving in Khahnistan.”

Wensleydale: “Certainly, ma’am, we’re a comic shop. What would you like?”

Holly: “Have you got volume nine of the complete newspaper Spider-Man?”

Wensleydale: “Ooo–that’s the one where he sits on the couch while his wife works, right? And the other Marvel heroes keep saving him? And there’s the special Sunday strip where he almost orders a pizza but stops himself at the last minute? That’s a fairly rare item, I’m afraid.”

Newspaper Spider-Man and Funky Winkerbean are made for each other.

Speaking of artwork, initially, it looks to me as though the colorist here got Tom Batiuk’s notes in the wrong order. You’d think the second panel would be the one shrouded in an all-encompassing darkness. That is how my favorite character, the Pouncing Darkness, rolls in this strip. On the other hand, we all know Holly’s going to get this issue no matter what, so perhaps Tom’s doing a bit of subtle foreshadowing by having panel two suddenly brighten.

Hey, it could happen.

*Seriously, check out definition 6 on that page.

The Men Inside

Link To Today’s Strip

Forget those first two panels–that smug smirk at the far right is the real Funky Winkerbean pay-dirt. Ol’ Harry Lunaire is about to start lecturatin’ the folks all about the ways of them comical-book hunters.

You can see he is of a mind to speak on the matter; it’s too bad he’s not smoking a pipe so he can thoughtfully puff on it a couple of times before waving it to illustrate his points.

Other than that, I’m somewhat surprised to discover that the Komix Korner is large enough to have two windows. My previous impression is that it was little larger than a shoebox. A shoebox that holds someone’s bug collection. And, lastly, there’s the expression on John’s face in panel three.

That is an absolute masterpiece of sheer, unadulterated boredom. God, are you still here? And still talking, on and on? I am so sorry I asked you anything, John thinks.

And, well, that’s about all I can say. I mean, how long was the last conversation you had with someone who started with, “I just bid on a comic book on eBay”?