Even a putz like Les Moore gets tired after awhile of having sunshine blown up his ass. All he wants now is to get out of the pizza joint and back to the office slash garage to start writing Lisa’s Story II: The Other Other Shoe. But his agent slash publicist has got other plans: the organ grinder bids the monkey dance some Mo’.
A humbling experience? Could there be anything humble about Little Lord Les? He did nothing but roll his eyes any time one of his fans tried to relate to their author-hero. Funky, however, is right on the money about it being “pretty hard to take”.
Well, the last fan has had her book signed. Now it’s Funky’s turn to get his ego stroked. “It was really generous of you to browbeat me into having the book signing at your pizzeria…” In the Funkiverse, a mere “thank you” is never sufficient; modesty, humility, selflessness are alien concepts.
As LesFest mercifully draws to a close, Funky lets the Cold Duck flow like champagne. As an alcoholic, he probably should delegate that task to someone else, but I guess since Funky was able to walk away from that vodka and orange, he is officially immune. Someone goes over to the Wurlitzer and fires up a sweet old Hank Williams song.
Darling let’s turn back the years
And go back to yesterday
Let’s go back even further: to the nerdiest wedding in history, the nuptial of Lisa (aka Robin the Boy Wonder) and Les (aka Batman) Moore.
Let’s pretend that time has stopped
And I didn’t go away
But honey, if you didn’t “go away”, I’d have nothing to write about, and I wouldn’t have all of northeastern Ohio lining up to kiss my ass.
We had our love to make us happy
I’m assuming that’s a younger, more svelte Funky dressed as gay Spiderman, deftly deflecting the bridal bouquet towards future first wife Cindy Summers (shown here still sporting her narwhal-like hairstyle).
It wasn’t meant to bring us tears
Of course, this being the Funkiverse, everything brings us tears. But I’m not going to waste time crying over Crazy Harry’s awful Fat Elvis “impersonation”, or the fact that Ann Apple’s pink jacket has turned blue.
Love like ours should never die
So darling let’s turn back the years
Let’s all raise a can of ginger ale to Les. And for the love of God, can we move on to a different plotline?
Wishing everybody a Halloween that is much less lame than the one depicted here!
–TFH
I’ll see your bet, and I’ll raise you that Tom Batiuk never gets tired of patting himself on the back.
SoSF does the research so you don’t have to: today TB gives a shout out to Susan Cash, marketing manager of Kent State University Press, and Mickey Ciriello, the real-life Tony Montoni, owner of Luigi’s Pizza in Akron. God only knows why.
Son of Stuck Funky 