Testimony Of Arson Investigator

(My retelling of The Burnings continues. I’m very grateful for all the positive feedback I have gotten from commentors so far.)

PROSECUTION: Please state your name and current job.

ASHCOMB: I’m Blaise Ashcomb, I’m an arson investigator for the State of Ohio.

PROSECUTION: And you investigated both the Booksmellers fire and the Village Booksmith fire, is that correct?

ASHCOMB: Yes, both.

PROSECUTION: Let’s start with the Booksmellers fire. How would you compare that fire to the Village Booksmith fire?

ASHCOMB: I wouldn’t.

PROSECUTION: What do you mean?

ASHCOMB: Well, look how different the two fires were. The Booksmellers fire caused damage to unsold product that had been specially ordered for a class.

Now, think about your typical chain bookstore. They don’t store their unsold products in a place that random arsonists can easily reach. They’re in some kind of storage room, which itself is in a secured, employees-only area of a store. And the store itself is in a public mall or strip mall, with all kinds of security.

It would be extremely difficult to reach such an area, and light a fire, without being seen. You’d either have to break in, or somehow sneak into this area during business hours. There was no evidence either of these things happened.

PROSECUTION: How did the Village Booksmith fire differ from this?

ASHCOMB: The Village Booksmith fire was started from completely outside the building, and did not require this kind of access. Even though it would have been easier to get, since this was an informal place of business bring run out of a home. A guest of Lillian McKenzie’s, or a bookstore patron, could have gotten much closer to the books this fire was supposedly targeted at.

PROSECTION: So what caused the Booksmellers fire?

ASHCOMB: The Booksmellers fire wasn’t arson.

PROSECUTION: Then what caused the fire?

ASHCOMB: A defective space heater. 

PROSECTION: Can you explain?

ASHCOMB: The days before the fire, Booksmellers had a leaky roof in their storage area. This resulted in water damage to some unsold books, which they tried to alleviate by drying them out with store-bought space heaters. One heater had a short, and started a fire. The fire damaged some of the books that were being kept in the storage area, which included the copies of Fahrenheit 451 that are at the center of this case.

PROSECUTION: Did you investigate further?

ASHCOMB: Yes. We found a V-shaped pattern of smoke damage spreading from where the heater was situated.

PROSECUTION: V-shaped pattern?

ASHCOMB: Yes, this indicates the origin of the fire, and how quickly it spread.

PROSECUTION: I’m sorry, go on.

ASHCOMB: There was also a burned wire and melted insulation in the space heater itself. The Booksmellers owner explained all this to us, and there was no reason to doubt it. The fire was ruled accidental. It was an open-and-shut case.

PROSECUTION: But the local newspapers ran a story about this being an arson that was targeted at the book Fahrenheit 451, didn’t they?

ASHCOMB: Yes, they did, but this was speculation on their part. The investigation wasn’t over after the first day, and there was a slim possibility that this was a targeted attack. The next day, we put out a press release explaining that the fire was ruled accidental. But the papers did not report this.

PROSECUTION: Why not?

ASHCOMB: I don’t know. You’d have to ask them that.

PROSECUTION: Did anyone from the local media contact you, after you announced your disposition of the case?

ASHCOMB: No.

Testimony Of Nate Green

(NOTE: This begins my retelling of The Burnings. It uses information from the real comic strips to tell a much different story. Think of it as an “alternate universe” version of The Burnings. Be aware that court transcripts do not include stage directions, or descriptions of how forcefully or quietly the defendants spoke, just what they said.)

BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Collis D. Smizer.

JUDGE: Please be seated. We begin with case 53766673. Ah, this is the criminal trial for the Village Booksmith fire. Prosecution, you may call your first witness.

(Nate Green, having sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, testifies as follows:)

PROSECUTION: Please state your name for the record.

NATE: Nathaniel Green, but I go by Nate.

PROSECUTION: And you are the principal of Westview High School?

NATE: Yes.

PROSECUTION: And how long have you had that position?

NATE: I joined Westview High School in 1977 as a teacher, Al Burch retired in 1986, I was vice principal in 1988, and was principal by 2008.

PROSECUTION: Were you aware that Westview’s teacher Les Moore was teaching Fahrenheit 451 in class, even though this book was unapproved by the school board?

NATE: Yes.

PROSECUTION: Did you allow him to teach it?

NATE: No. 

PROSECTION: Did you take any action to stop him from teaching it?

NATE: Yes. I specifically told him it wasn’t approved to order, and that meant “not approved to teach.”

PROSECUTION: What did you do when you discovered he was teaching the book anyway?

NATE: Nothing.

PROSECUTION: Why not?

NATE: Because I can’t do anything to Les Moore. For some reason, he’s got some kind of protected status in this community. I don’t dare discipline him. I get that he’s famous because of Lisa’s Story, but he’s honestly an awful teacher. He’s basically a tenured professor, and he knows it. I couldn’t even get rid of him when we had layoffs.

PROSECUTION: How is he an ineffective teacher?

NATE: Have you interviewed the guy yet? He’s elitist, condescending to his students, thinks he’s God’s gift to writing because of that book, wastes class time on pointless speakers he likes, and disappears for months at a time. One time he used his students to wage an in-school media war against me about copier usage, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. 

PROSECUTION: You couldn’t discipline him for that?

NATE: No. The school board said it would “upset the community.” The same school board he’s defying now. 

PROSECUTION: You said he missed months at a time? You couldn’t discipline him for missing too many work days?

NATE: Oh, get this. Every time Les didn’t want to go to work, he took bereavement leave. He found out the school board never put a time limit on it, so he just kept mourning Lisa for decades. Then when it was time to make the movie, he spent months in Hollywood because he had a huge number of sick days saved up. Again, the same school board he’s defying now. 

PROSECUTION: Did you know that Mr. Moore had instructed his students to pick up the books at Booksmellers, and later The Village Booksmith?

NATE: Well, he didn’t tell me, but you know, it’s high school. Kids talk, word gets around.

PROSECUTION: Did Mr. Moore say anything to you about this plan?

NATE: Of course not.

PROSECUTION: Did any parents contact you with concerns about the book being taught in class?

NATE: No.

PROSECUTION: What did you think when you heard about the Booksmellers fire?

NATE: I didn’t really believe it. It seemed far-fetched. Fahrenheit 451 is not an offensive book. It’s not the kind of book anybody would burn in protest. At the time, I thought maybe the fire was unrelated. 

PROSECUTION: And what about the second fire?

NATE: Well, after the second fire, the school board called me in for a meeting. I guess they didn’t believe the first fire either.

PROSECUTION: What did you say?

NATE: Well, technically Les was right. The book wasn’t approved to order, and he didn’t order it. So he didn’t really do anything they could punish him for. I just told the board he did this without my permission or approval, which was true.

PROSECUTION: So Mr. Moore openly defied you and the school board?

NATE: Well, he found a loophole, but he knew he was defying their wishes. He gave me this smug speech about the list not being clear.

PROSECUTION: Did he ever say why he chose to teach the book when the list implicitly forbade it?

NATE: Hmm. He didn’t, now that you mention it. You know what else he did, though? This one time–

PROSECUTION: –okay, thank you, Mr. Green.

Murder In The Burnings: The Major Suspects

We continue our look at arson suspects with the more serious candidates. Some names aren’t on either list, because they will turn up later in the story. But let me know if I missed your favorite.

SUSPECT: Cayla Williams Moore (suggested by: bewareofevehill)

PROSECUTION: The wife of Westview English teacher, Les Moore, and personal assistant to high school principal Nate Green. Cayla witnessed her husband defy her boss’ mandate that books on the school’s not-approved list are also not approved to be taught. Les confided in Cayla about the plan to distribute the book via bookstores. Fed up with Les’s overbearing ego, Cayla used that information in an attempt to frame him for the arson. The damage was intentionally small, because Cayla had no other dispute with Ms. McKenzie.

DEFENSE: If she wanted to use fire to rid herself of her husband, there are more direct approaches. Doesn’t anyone remember The Burning Bed? Continue reading “Murder In The Burnings: The Major Suspects”

Murder In The Burnings: The Minor Suspects

So the burnings have suddenly turned into the world’s lamest Choose Your Own Adventure game. And we all know what the correct answer is in this world:

She’s got two valid reasons to call the police, a threatening mob standing in puddles of their own unburned accelerant, and the world’s greatest arsonist right next to her. But you do you, Lillian. Lord knows you have stellar judgment when it comes to not censoring other peoples’ reading material.

Continue reading “Murder In The Burnings: The Minor Suspects”

No Stranger To Controversy

Starting in the late 80’s, Batiuk’s obsequious period would end…and his smugly self-righteous period would gradually pick up steam.

The response to ‘Lisa’s Very Special Story About Teen Pregnancy’ was overwhelmingly positive. By Batiuk’s own admission, greater than any response he’d ever gotten. But, of course, there were a couple letters to the editor from people annoyed that their funny pages were being used for edu-tainment pamphlet.

And Batiuk took that criticism like an underbalanced weeble-wobble, dancing joyfully at receiving a weak slap.

Continue reading “No Stranger To Controversy”