Barbie – Son of Stuck Funky

Cojoined Twits

“Nice job, Jess”…obtaining a working VCR? Managing to insert the tape properly? Or is Boy Lisa implying that they’re actually watching Jessica’s completed JD documentary and if so, huh? Did I miss something while I was trying to tune out the incessant Barbie-ing? She stopped filming WEEKS ago, so in short, what the f*ck is he talking about? But hey, she made it back home without losing an arm or becoming seriously interested in comic books, so maybe she merits a “good job” after all. Gotta consider the “big picture”, I suppose.

“You’re Barbie”, “I’m Barbie”, “I’m you’re Barbie”, “you’re my Barbie”…ENOUGH ALREADY WE GET THE POINT! I mean wow, this is overkill even by FW standards. Four straight days of it, too, just sheer bludgeoning repetition solely for the sake of it. He’s actually patting himself on the back repeatedly during a self-congratulatory/vanity project arc based on an old comic strip he used to write…now that’s self-absorption on a grand scale.

So what did we learn here? Well for starters, Jessica IS Barbie! We also learn that Jess is quite easily distracted, never follows through on anything and cannot be counted upon to recall her own memories correctly without video verification. But a long-dead character cared about her very much and in the Funkyverse that’s what matters most of all, no?

That rendition of Skyler’s head in panel one merits immediate inclusion in the SoSF Hall Of Fame and if it isn’t unanimous I will be quite disappointed. Spectacular, it’s like a moonrise.

Darling Fatigue Syndrome

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After the nausea, gagging and violent retching subsided a little, I asked myself where this arc stands among FW’s all-time worst three weeks-or-longer arcs. Then I realized it’s like a twenty-thousand-way tie for first and the tie breaker formula is just too complicated to get into here. Let’s just say that it really sucked big-time and it’s way up there on the list and leave it at that.

FW doesn’t get more twee than it does in today’s panel three, that’s for sure. Anything that revoltingly saccharine really should come with a warning. And she’s a pretty, uh, mature “baby” today too, but when you just have your heart set on a particular premise there’s no reason why you can’t retcon the shit out of it to make the premise fit, right? Happens all the time. It’s called writing, people.

Batom is world renowned for his novel use of repetition, but this is ridiculous. Ridiculous. His constant repetition is ridiculous. See how ridiculous that is? And I’ve never even been nominated for a Pulitzer or anything. Yet even I understand how ridiculous the constant repetition is and how, in theory, it could potentially induce murderous rage in others. The repetition, I mean.

Unbearable

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Thanks Jan Murdoch John Darling for reminding us that this isn’t one of those “gag-a-day” strips she’s normally associated with. No, this is Funky Winkerbean, the comic strip with a dark sense of loss, heartbreak and dread that hangs over absolutely everything all the time, every day. Note how Jessica, a true Westviewian, is actually amused by her mother’s ongoing pain, cracking a weary and knowing smirk because after living in Les Moore’s house for those few years, she gets it. As we all do.

When I titled my post last Saturday I never thought he’d actually feature a “dream house”. Color me mildly amused. Something appears to be taking shape here and if it holds true to form it’ll be every bit as lame as anyone imagined. Video tapes…the perfect way to keep those long dead characters alive after you’ve bumped them off for spite or easy attention. Watching Jessica trying to piece together a “mystery” that every single FW reader solved within a hundredth of a second is still sort of funny but increasingly less so with each passing panel.

And speaking of panels…a two paneler on a Tuesday? For shame, Tombat, for shame. Too little story for six full days again, eh? Always a bad sign when he’s resorting to padding this early in the week.

Rudeness IS Hereditary

jess

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Ah yes, the attic (they pronounce that as “bat-ick” in the mid-central Ohio valley, BTW)…where a Westviewian goes when they need to solve a mystery about or shed light upon a character who died many years ago. Of course John Darling didn’t expect to die so soon so his archives are probably a lot less thorough than Lisa’s were, but in any event it’s a safe bet that he left an explanation for his moronic last words in some sort of easily readable or watchable form.

Pretty classless how Jessica blithely shoves aside the widow John Darling (still in deep mourning if the black flowers are any indication) in her zeal to crack the mystery she’s been pondering for an hour or so now. Boy, is she easily distracted or what? I hope we get to see Boy Lisa’s reaction when Jessica reveals how she shot zero minutes of footage and spent the day fooling around in her parent’s attic while he slaved over a hot pizza app all day AND took care of that undeniably doomed baby while she was running around trying to solve rather obvious mysteries. He’ll probably be so angry he’ll barely able to break a smirk.

I could help but laugh at Batom’s helpful panel one recap, as if we needed a refresher after watching Funky take a three AM leak. We remember, Tom, even if you do not.

Barbie’s Scheme Louse

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“I love Barbie forever”…hmmmm, I wonder what THAT could possibly mean? We can rule out the possibility that JD was an avid Barbie collector, as everyone knows that Ohioians only collect comic books. There is no “Barbie” anywhere in FW lore as far as I know and the only character that even remotely resembles Barbie is…oh, I get it now. Pretty lame.

So will Jessica figure this out on her own or will someone have to explain it to her? I’m guessing the latter, as he’s going to have to drag this out for another week (at least) somehow. Plus it’d be very much in character considering that she’s a documentary film maker who left her equipment in a bag during the most compelling conversation she’s had with anyone in decades. He’ll likely have Boy Lisa or her mother John Darling’s wife Jan explain things to her while burying that “documentary” idea under so much sap and schmaltz it’ll never be heard from again. Then they will no doubt celebrate over some pizza while saying “John Darling” many times.

Still, all in all those are some pretty sorry last words. Pretty sorry “plot twist” too, but that’s to be expected. If he wanted to do a story about JD’s mysterious last words, why didn’t he just start with that instead of hacking away for two weeks establishing a premise he then just ignored? I mean last Saturday he did a whole silent strip featuring a nervous Jessica unloading equipment from her car, equipment she never even used. So why bother with the film premise at all? He could have just had Plantman send her a letter or something. It’s just so confounding and baffling (and stupid).