Burnings – Son of Stuck Funky

Murder In The Burnings: The Trial Continues!

Yes! This story is actually continuing! It’s not an April Fool’s prank, I promise you!

BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Collis D. Smizer.

JUDGE: As you were. Next up is the much-delayed case 53766673, the Village Booksmith fire. Now, Mr. Moore, do you have proper counsel?

MR. BREEF: I am Amicus Breef, from the law firm of Westview Community College Discount Legal Services. I will be representing the defendant, Les Moore.

JUDGE: Very good. Welcome, Mr. Breef. Our previous session ended in the middle of cross examination. Mr. Flaherty, would you like to continue?

CONTINUED CROSS EXAMINATION

(Les Moore, having duly been sworn in, testifies as follows:)

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, I was asking you if you remembered a student of yours named Eric “Mooch” Myers. This student of yours was found to have started two different fires in 1999: one during homecoming, and a second during an ordinary school day. Eric initially reported that second fire to the authorities, and was called a hero on local TV news for doing so.

PROSECUTOR: Do you remember these incidents?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: At the time, you yourself noted that Myers was seeking attention. Correct?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: I believe this is also why you started the Village Booksmith fire. You saw an opportunity to be the hero again, taking a bold stand against a non-existent enemy of literature. And you took full advantage of it.

LES: I would never put my own friends at risk.

PROSECUTOR: But you did. You already testified that you put Lillian McKenzie at risk, despite her being uncomfortable with this whole situation, when safer options were available. You also had Pete Roberts-Reynolds and Mindy Murdoch help you. Plus bookstore employees Amelia and Emily Matthews. You certainly didn’t mind putting any of them at risk! You let these people – your three friends, and two underage girls – worry about a threat that they thought was real. Eric Myers may have been your student, but it seems you learned a lot from him as well.

LES: Well, that’s what it means to be a teacher.

PROSECUTOR (ignoring Les): Which is also why the fire was laughably small. You didn’t want anyone to get hurt, or even for Lillian to suffer much property damage. Which is why you started the fire at the very bottom of the building’s wooden stairs, when copies of Fahrenheit 451, the supposed target of all this, were upstairs. And you knew that, because you just moved them up those stairs yourself!

This fire was so far away from the books that it couldn’t possibly have reached them. And, it was easily visible from the outside, so it would be seen and put out quickly. All of this is consistent with your motive of wanting to set a fire without actually burning anything.

On top of all that, creosote oil is a wood preservative, as well as a fire accelerant. Which would explain your choice of this unorthodox arson catalyst. You might as well have applied fire-resistant wood sealant to Lillian’s staircase before you set it on fire. Do you deny any of this?

LES: You’re proven nothing.

PROSECUTOR: And what of Lillian herself? She flat-out told you she didn’t feel safe, when you were the one she should have been afraid of all along! And you knew that! An elderly single woman who —

LILLIAN McKENZIE: I’m single because–

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: We know, Lillian!

JUDGE (banging gavel): Order!

(Order is restored.)

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, do you recognize this document?

LES: It appears to be a sales receipt for an online purchase.

PROSECUTOR: And can you tell the court what items were purchased?

LES: It’s– wait, what? You can’t pull this out on me at the last minute!

MR. BREEF: Your Honor, I object! I want to file a subpoena for the evidence!

LES: What?

(A brief, confused pause.)

JUDGE: Mr. Breef, all the evidence has already been presented, and provided to you. Are you suggesting there is a need to subpoena new evidence?

MR. BREEF: Umm…

JUDGE: Overruled. Lack of relevance. The counselor may continue.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, this document was given to you during discovery, as was all the other evidence, when you were effectively pro se. It was also given to Mr. Breef as soon as he notified my office that he was your new counsel. We have the electronic records to prove this exchange took place. So I will ask you again, Mr. Moore: will you please tell the court what items were purchased in this receipt? You are under oath.

LES: Ummmm, creosote oil, and a copy of the book Lisa’s Story.

LES: But so what? Anybody could have bought those things.

PROSECUTOR: “A” copy of Lisa’s Story? Can you double-check the quantity?

LES: Uh, three.

PROSECUTOR: Three?

LES: Hundred.

LILLIAN (from the audience): Hey!

PROSECUTOR (in full “the defendant is full of shit and I’m about to prove it” mode): Now, who on earth needs to buy 300 copies of the same book? Other than the man who wrote that book, and does frequent public signings of that book?

LES: Maybe the buyer wanted to read it more than once?

(No one laughs.)

LILLIAN: You bastard!

JUDGE: Order! Ms. McKenzie, no more outbursts, or I will ask you to leave.

(Lillian sits down.)

PROSECUTOR: Can you also tell me the quantity of the creosote oil?

LES: 20 liters.

PROSECUTOR: And who is the purchaser on this invoice?

LES (scanning the document): Well, I can already see it’s not me, it’s the…

LES: Lisa’s Legacy Foundation.

PROSECUTOR: And are you the director of the Lisa’s Legacy Foundation?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR (blatantly hamming it up now): Why does a charitable organization need creosote oil at all? Much less 20 liters of it?

LES: Is it too late to change my plea?

April fools! It really wasn’t a prank. I let this story sit way too long, and I thought it would be a nice surprise to finally deliver the goods. My re-telling of The Burnings will resume on a more regular basis soon. Really. Also, last year’s prank was going to be hard to top.

Past installments of the story were:

Prologue 1: If The Burnings Were A Movie, You’d Walk Out. Let’s Write A Better One.
Prologue 2: Murder In The Burnings: The Minor Suspects
Prologue 3: Murder In The Burnings: The Major Suspects
Chapter 1: Testimony Of Nate Green
Chapter 2: Testimony Of Arson Investigator
Chapter 3: Further Testimony Of Blaise Ashcomb
Chapter 4: Testimony Of Skip Rawlings
Chapter 5: Testimony Of Police Investigator
Chapter 6: Testimony Of Student
Chapter 7: Cross Examination Of Defendant
Chapter 8: Further Cross Examination Of Les Moore

Today’s installment was Chapter 9. Stay tuned for Chapter 10!

Happy Anniversary, Funky Winkerbean!

Pardon the interruption, but I’m Banana Jr. 6000. If I give you a Susan Smith reaction, will you all stop asking me about it?

Let’s spend Five Good Minutes on the legacy of Funky Winkerbean. I know we’re here mostly to celebrate its… not-so-good aspects, but let’s take a moment to acknowledge its place in history. For its first 20 years, Funky Winkerbean was a snarky lampooning of life in high school and beyond, long before the word “snarky” was even invented. It even had an iconic debut strip:

Murder In The Burnings: Reactions

“Murder In The Burnings” continues. Today, we see the town’s reactions to Les Moore’s shocking admission. You can read all previous installments under the Burnings tag.

Further Cross Examination Of Les Moore

“Murder In The Burnings”, my retelling of Crankshaft‘s burnings plot, continues. You can read all previous installments under the Burnings tag.

PROSECUTOR: There are no anti-Fahrenheit 451 protestors in Westview or Centerville, Mr. Moore. They do not exist. They never existed. You need them to exist, but nobody’s falling for that red herring anymore. The fire at the Village Booksmith was started by you, and only you.

LES: This entire proceeding is an insult to my dignity.

PROSECUTOR: No, it isn’t. All the evidence points to you. You had the means, motive, and opportunity to start that fire at the Village Booksmith. And you’re the only person on earth who did.

LES: Oh, really? What was my motive?

PROSECUTOR: Attention. You haven’t been getting it since Marianne Winters handed you that Oscar trophy three years ago. When that random fire happened at Booksmellers, and it got misreported as being an attack on the book you were teaching, you saw an opportunity to be the big hero again. This is a common motive in arson cases. Also, you’ve done it before.

LES: No, I haven’t.

PROSECUTOR: Yes, you have. Mr. Moore, do you remember a student of yours named Eric Myers?

LES: I’ve had a lot of students over the years. I don’t remember them all.

PROSECUTOR: This student started two different fires at Westview High School.

LES: You mean Mooch? (scoffs) You can’t be serious. That was ages ago. That was before I let Lisa die.

(commotion)

THE JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order. Order in the court. Order. You may proceed, counselor.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, could you repeat what you just said?

LES: Oh come on, you all know what I meant, right? I mean, after Lisa made her courageous decision to end treatment! You all saw it! It won an Oscar!

PROSECUTOR: Yes, I do remember that. But, I don’t remember where Lisa ever discussed this decision with anyone. Not even you. Am I remembering wrong?

LES: Uh…

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, did you start the fire at the Village Booksmith?

LES: Ummm….

(click)

VOICE: Hello, this is Lisa Crawford Moore. If you’re watching this tape, my client has chosen to exercise his or her right to remain silent…

THE JUDGE: (banging gavel) Order. All right, that’s enough. Mr. Moore, I’m going to issue a continuance so you can get some, uh, living representation. We will resume this case at a later date. And don’t bring those VHS tapes to my courtroom again. Court is adjourned.

Cross Examination Of Defendant

“Murder In The Burnings”, my retelling of Crankshaft‘s burnings plot, continues. Today, the defendant is on the witness stand. You can read all previous installments under the Burnings tag.

PROSECUTOR: Please state your full name and current profession.

LES: I am Les Moore, award-winning writer and high school teacher.

PROSECUTOR: In that order, huh?

CROSS EXAMINATION

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, you taught the book Fahrenheit 451 to your American Literature class, against school board recommendations, and against instructions from your own principal. Is that correct?

LES: Yes, sir.

PROSECUTOR: Why did you decide to teach Fahrenheit 451 to your class?

LES: As I said to my wife, Cayla, it seems to me that if the students are old enough to have active shooter drills, they’re old enough to read whatever they want.

PROSECUTOR: Did any other teachers also teach Fahrenheit 451 that semester?

LES: No, just me.

PROSECUTOR: So no other classes took part in this?

LES: No.

PROSECUTOR: Not even at any other schools?

LES: No, not that I know of.

PROSECUTOR: What did your students think of Fahrenheit 451?

LES: They were pretty excited about it. The “forbidden fruit” angle, I guess.

PROSECUTOR: Why would anyone oppose Fahrenheit 451? It doesn’t have any violent or sexual content, or anything like that. It’s a pretty standard book for high school literature. I read it myself in high school.

LES: I don’t know. Some people are just closed-minded, I guess.

PROSECUTOR: Your principal Nate Green testified that you taught Fahrenheit 451 without his permission or approval. Did anyone else ever express any concerns about the content of this book?

LES: No.

PROSECUTOR: Did the school board ever talk to you about your decision, either directly or indirectly?

LES: Nate told me he met with the board, but nothing came of it.

PROSECUTOR: Did any parents talk to you about it?

LES: Nope. I never heard a word. It turned out everyone was on board with my courageous decision.

PROSECUTOR: Well, that’s surprising, Mr. Moore. Because Skip Rawlings of the Centerville Sentinel testified that he received an email from the protestors that said there were quote, “things in the book they didn’t want their kids to see.” But you just said you were the only teacher who taught this book. Which means, the only people whose kids would ever see what was in Fahrenheit 451, were the parents of your students. So I will ask you again; did any parent of your students ever express any concerns to you about your decision to teach Fahrenheit 451? I remind you, Mr. Moore, you are under oath.

LES: Um, no.

PROSECUTOR: I would like to remind the jury of police officer Leo Harshman’s testimony. The police detained several protestors fleeing from the Village Booksmith. Those protestors turned out to be Mr. Moore’s own students, in a misguided prank. After that, the police had many conversations with these same parents. No parent of any of Mr. Moore’s students was ever a person of interest in this case.

LES: Well, these protestors must have come from somewhere.

PROSECUTOR: Correct, Mr. Moore, and I will soon show this court exactly where they came from. Now, after the Booksmellers fire, and the erroneous newspaper story that it may have been an attack on the content of Fahrenheit 451 itself, what happened next?

LES: Lillian McKenzie called me, and offered to take over the distribution of Fahrenheit 451.

PROSECUTOR: And you accepted?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: Lillian McKenzie testified that she was afraid to do this for you. Did you ever consider another way of distributing the books, so she wouldn’t be at risk? Such as, having your students acquire the book online? Or, simply teaching a different book?

LES: No, she seemed fine with it at the time.

PROSECUTOR: And when did this happen, exactly?

LES: We moved the books on Sunday.

PROSECUTOR: The 15th?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: The day before the Village Booksmith fire. Who physically moved the books there?

LES: Me, Lillian, the twin girls who work at her store, my friend Pete, and his fiancee Mindy.

PROSECUTOR: That’s Lillian McKenzie, Amelia and Emily Matthews, Pete Roberts-Reynolds, and Mindy Murdoch. Anyone else?

LES: No.

PROSECUTOR: When did you tell your students the new location to pick up the books?

LES: That Monday, at school.

PROSECUTOR: The 16th?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: And the Village Booksmith fire was that night. Other than your students, yourself, Lillian McKenzie, and the people who helped you move the books, who knew the copies of Fahrenheit 451 were at the Village Booksmith?

LES: Um. Well, my wife, I guess. she was there when I took Lillian’s call.

PROSECUTOR: I mean, who knew the books were at Lillian’s store, and would have lit the store on fire because of that?

LES: Umm….

PROSECUTOR: Your whole reason for doing this convoluted book drop was to circumvent the school board’s “recommended reading” list. Nate Green testified that you were exploiting a loophole in this list, by not ordering the book from the school system. He said he informed you this went against school board policy. Which raises the bar for these protestors even higher. We’ve been looking for a perpetrator who not only was so offended by Fahrenheit 451 they committed arson at two different bookstores. And, who learned the new location of the books within a day of you moving them there, when you had an incentive to keep this location secret. And, who never so much as spoke to anyone about their concerns.

LES: Well, maybe the police could do their jobs and find these protestors.

PROSECUTOR: I think the police did their jobs just fine when they announced criminal charges against you. Because the arsonist was you, the whole time.

LES: So who are these protestors then?

PROSECUTOR: There never were any protestors.