Starbuck Jones – Page 8 – Son of Stuck Funky

Scenes from a Mirage

Now, I want an honest counting of hands, here. How many of you thought we’d see something/anything of the Starbuck Jones movie during this, the arc in which the long gestating film finally had its premier? Think of all the things riding on this film’s success–not just careers for Mason Jarre, Pete Robots, Darrin Undesireable and Cliff Anger, but the culmination of desire for a million fan-boys, the affirmation of belief for thousands of cellar-dwellars, and the salvation of the Valentine Theater (and a poorly-performing comic strip associated with same). Surely such an expanse would provide proof of its benevolent effect. Right?

Don’t be ashamed; after all, this was something that was fed to us for several years now as the event of the decade, as the measure by which this strip would ensure its place in the pantheon.

So, hands? Well, there’s one. Two. Oh…oh…oh, dear. That’s far too many hands than I thought I would see.

In my host duties here, I have tried to focus on the content of the strip and NOT on Tom Batiuk, the person. I’ve never met, and don’t know Tom Batiuk; from all reports, he’s a genuinely nice guy, open and friendly, and I try to keep that foremost when I write here. And to be honest, I wish him well.

But I’m going to violate that rule here. Because Tom Batiuk cannot tell a story.

He must know this–aside from Les Moore, the characters he truly cares about (Starbuck Jones and The Amazing Mister Sponge) have never had a single panel dedicated to showcasing their, cough, awesomeness. Sure, we’ve had lots and lots of covers, but nothing in the way of story. Story being the key to why a character makes an impression. Comic book cover? Anyone who ever read a comic book ever knows that comic book covers are designed to lie you into buying them. So they don’t count.

It’s much, much easier to ease back down off that plane, and shift the focus to a bunch of has-beens getting married. Everyone likes marriages, right? And that’s way more, like, focused than some movie thing that’ll be, like, forgotten in two years. But marriage, man, that’s like eternal! Until the next reboot. But I’ve heard Les Moore has a new book! Gotta be worth it all, man, gotta be worth it all.

And, just to be that guy, I’ll be damned if I look it up, but I’m pretty sure Mason made this exact same joke some months back.

To paraphrase Charlie Brown, I weep for the newspaper comic-strip fans.

Of Course He’s Cos

Link to today’s strip.

As mentioned, I found yesterday’s strip kind of cute and a bit of a relief from the usual fare. However, it appears I’ve picked up a terrible habit from reading this strip: I didn’t think things through.

I figured the guy would take off his costume to perform the ceremony, you know, the way a normal person would. (Indeed, I thought that’s what had happened in the second panel, with the minister the bearded guy in the back.) Instead, this turned to the Dumb Side, really, really fast. So, what kind of church does this guy lead? Can he perform marriages that will hold up in court? I think if he’s an ordained minister for the Church of St. Leeloo Dallas Multipass, Cindy, Vera, Cliff and Mason might find themselves in something of a pickle down the road.

What’s probably most irksome here is John. His nonchalance from yesterday has cooled into a deep boredom–as if he searched all over for a priest of the Holy Order of Batman, Batman, the one he really wanted, but damn it couldn’t find one and had to settle for one who wouldn’t be able to give him first communion. Screw you, Mason, you wanted a damned minister and I got you a damned minister. Can I go home now?

I do like how the Xaxian is posing in panel two, in that James Dean in “East of Eden” symbolism pose, though I kind of think it’s a bit inappropriate here. I remember doing that pose as a kid, and usually the spear would be going behind the neck–it looks here like it’s piercing his chest. Maybe that’s why Mason looks so distraught–he watched someone commit hara-kiri right in front of him! He couldn’t be hiding his face in shame because of comic books, because Mason sure strikes me as the kind of guy who’d leap at the chance for a comic-book themed wedding.

Minister of the Inferior

Link to today’s strip.

I have to admit, this one was just startling enough that I enjoyed it. The strange situation, and the nonchalant way in which it is presented, made for a strip that was actually entertaining. So, kudos to Tom Batiuk; I’d like to see more like today’s offering, and less of what he typically deposits here.

Of course, today’s strip doesn’t really bear any close looking, because the premise is kind of stupid. I mean, I guess the local minister could see a flyer, “Wanted, People to Portray Movie Characters for Film Premier, Costume Provided” and stop darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there and think, “Say, that sounds like fun! And I’ll bring my Bible along, just in case someone wants to get married!” I mean, that sounds really, really contrived, even for this strip…though certainly not beyond the realm of possibility, given this strip’s history…

Okay, I’ve talked myself into it: Tom Batiuk will take something cute like today’s strip and ruin it with tomorrow’s.

All the King’s Horsesh!t

Link to today’s strip.

I’d like to think that scream of terror in the last panel is someone snapping from the sheer disregard of continuity. “This theater” was responsible for none of what you claim for it, Mason. You, Pete and Cindy were the ones who brought Cliff out of his self-imposed hermitage. Vera just happened to show up at the Silver Grille. (I guess she had one of those decoder rings before she was engaged with one.) And I know it galls you to admit it, but you met Cindy because of Les Moore.

Once again, Tom Batiuk seems to be making it up as he goes along, disregarding his own history while he expects his readers to have an encyclopedic knowledge of every minor character who appeared for a panel or two. It’s amazing how those two contradictions don’t collide and annihilate the whole strip.

Speaking of a panel or two, it’s sure unfortunate that Cindy had to run off between panels one and two. Because I don’t know who the Hell that’s supposed to be in the second panel; it looks very little like Cindy. I mean, she’s not even wearing the same dress. I guess, maybe Cindy tripped and looked foolish doing so, so the people in charge said, “Quick, we need a hot blonde who doesn’t look anything at all like she’s fifty years old!”

Either that, or the new artist is definitely getting Funkyfied–“Hey, whatever fills the panel, man.” Gotta wonder if, when he told his fellow artists that he’d landed the Funky Winkerbean gig, there was this long, uncomfortable silence, followed by expressions of sympathy, pity, and many hands on the shoulder with the words, “We’re there for you, man,” and “You’ll get through this.”

Just Say No

Link to today’s strip.

Well, Jff, I guess your tongue-tied nature might be explained by the fact that this is a huge surprise to you, unaccustomed as you are to public speaking…except that all of this was your idea in the first place. As Mason points out, the whole reason everyone is here because of you. Given the fact that this strip goes out of its way to praise its characters for the slightest reason, did you really think you’d sit in the back and be ignored? Sure, sure, that’s what we wished would happen, but that never counts.

I have to hand it to Tom Batiuk for his optimism–every time he brings in characters from Crankshaft, I imagine a mythical Funky Winkerbean reader saying, “Wait, there’s a whole other comic strip full of characters like these? Where can I find this magical realm!” And, since Mr. Batiuk never names “Crankshaft” in these cross-overs, said mythical reader is left saddened by the fact that he will never find this other strip. Why, it’s a two-for-one!