Westview High School – Page 69

Cuts Both Ways

So, one of the reasons Bull wanted to enter the world of higher education was so he could continue the great tradition of being a huge dick to the students. That seems rather humble, doesn’t it? I mean, all the teachers are huge dicks to the students; it must be the first instruction in the first paragraph of the Westview High School’s So You Want to be a Teacher pamphlet. Being a huge dick just means you’re earning your paycheck. I guess I can’t really blame anyone in the Funkyverse for setting his sights low; ambition is typically rewarded with a cosmic swatting. Still, it’s interesting to see such a naked lack of ambition.

By the way, I went to high school and I don’t recall any teachers taking advantage like this. Everyone, teacher, student and administrator, got in line and stayed in line. Of course, there’s nothing funny about playing by the rules…just like there’s nothing funny about Funky Winkerbean. Hey wait a minute–how can Bull “get cuts” in line, when lunch itself has been cut? Is Bull fantasizing? This…this is what he daydreams about? Yeah…that’s some ambition all right.

I see that the “smart-pad” has already been dropped (by Les, into the swimming pool). Someone from Apple must have hrmm-hrmm’d at Tom Batiuk’s lawyers, and the change from “iPad” to “Smart-Pad” probably didn’t mollify anyone. Well…perhaps Mr. Batiuk has learned a bit of humility from the experience, and the next time someone uses a bit of the old Funky Winkerbean magic, he’ll…oh, okay I can’t really keep up the pretense. My sense is that Mr. Batiuk will continue taking the advice from the So You Want to be a Nationally Syndicated Cartoonist pamphlet very seriously indeed.

The Return of Jim

Today’s strip

TFH of course solved the great “Jim Mystery” of last week, but here at least is proof that Tom Batiuk hasn’t forgotten how to draw Jim Kablichnik. He, er, hasn’t drawn him very well–in panel two, it looks like he’s about to vomit up his mashed potatoes (which is I suppose a natural reaction when meeting Les), but he’s nonetheless recognizable as the ol’ chair-stealer we’ve come to know and, uh, recognize.

I guess the rhetorical question Jim refers to is not the one he himself posed, but the implication from Les that everyone believes Les to be an amazing incompetent who cannot master any skills beyond usually putting his pants on with the top at the correct end. For the record, I’d hardly call that a rhetorical question, more like a casual observation, but it does allow Les to raise his ire. So, job well done, Jim. You can leave now. I hear they’re hiring at Sprawl-Mart.

He has many, many pairs of trick pants.

Old Feller

Today’s strip

Ah, this, this is always a sad moment: the moment when we say “Goodbye” to a character we’ve come to know and love. I mean, aside from the “know and love” bit, and the fact that we were never given time to come to care for this HarryLes amalgamation. Here he was given to us, and now taken away prematurely, before his true, inner loathsomeness could be allowed to flower, before we were given a chance to hate his every appearance. Why, yes, it is just as sad as all those times we wept over those Disney characters when they were slaughtered, or married off, or adopted, or (give me a moment to stem the tide of tears) hired at Sprawl Mart.

“Pay to Laugh” Maybe?

Today’s strip

I think Bull has found a better way to raise funds for the school–check out his stance in panel one; clearly, he is going to be a background dancer in rap videos. His “getting down” is “dope”! Maybe he’ll even be a rapper himself–

–or maybe not, there’s a limit to how “dope” something can be.

I’m not sure if Greybeard’s idea is as “dope,” only because I can’t figure out what Greybeard’s actual “Pay to Paint” plan is. If the arts classes are being cut, logically that probably means there aren’t enough students taking those classes; asking the few who have an interest to pay to attend seems like a losing proposition.

Of course, you’ll note I used the word “logically” up there. I suppose the purpose of this arc, like all the “school funding” arcs, is not to examine the issue at all but to yell that “taxpayers who want to cut teachers and classes are cheap meanies, because they are mean and cheap!” “Reality-based” only goes so far when you’ve constructed your own reality.

Speaking of art, panel two has the real “artistic” goods. Is that Les wearing a Crazy Harry mask, or Crazy Harry wearing a Les mask? Or is it one of Philip K. Dick’s insectoid aliens wearing an abandoned skin? And why is he/she/it talking to the worst drawing of Alfred Hitchcock ever made? These mysteries, my friends, may never be solved. Not if we want to “pay to sleep” at night.

The Wrath of Tom

Today’s strip

…whatever the hell that means. It could be that, since people have to buy tickets to watch a losing football team go through the motions, they might buy more tickets to watch a terrible marching band go through similar motions. However, it seems more likely that the students are going to have to pay to participate in the football team and the band.

Let that sink in for a moment. We’ve just seen two solid weeks of Becky and Bull heaping abuse upon their students, humiliating them and calling their talents into question. What do you think the result is going to be when Bull gathers the team and tells them, “You’re worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty! Twenty dollars, that is, which plus another eighty is the fee you will pay for the privilege of playing football! You terrible, terrible losers! I hate you! But give me those checks or preferably cash, thanks.”

Yes, I know this is Westview, but how many students are masochistic enough to pay for this kind of humiliation? Even if the only alternative is the cornfield, I suspect that Bull, in another, better comic strip, would be presented with a pile of stacked helmets and the reverberating sound of lockers being slammed shut for the last time. And then “the team,” and thus “the band” would cease to exist.

However (there’s always a “however” in Westview), since this strip delineates the troubles faced by contemporary youth, and one of those troubles is marching band, let’s totally forget that the school can (apparently) afford a scissors-lift for the band director and an inflatable giant football helmet (and endless repair and replacement of same). We can see that the marching band is in no immediate danger. Despite the budget cuts and other assorted tribulations, Tom wants the band around…the same way he wants Lisa around. Forever.

Why? He clearly hates the football team, but without the team, the marching band has no function. Or does it?

Based solely on Funky Winkerbean (a phrase I hope I never hear the government utter), the band may have a life outside the reality imposed upon the comic strip. I can’t count how many arcs have focused on the marching band, but there have been a bunch of them. Becky, Dinkle, Owen, Cody…they’ve all been swallowed by the “marching band” maelstrom. They only exist for torture and disappointment…which are the twin axes of the Funky Winkerbean universe.

So…if they have to pay to play in the band…(and Tom Batiuk will make them do so…selling turkeys, selling blood, selling beloved comics, selling “something” to the beings that have preserved them in these horrific tanks)…whatever it takes, it will keep the band alive. He will keep the band alive. Because Tom Batiuk can’t kill the band. No…because the band tasks him and he shall have it. Killing the band is too easy, too quick, too final. He will chase the band ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round perdition’s flames before he will give them up!

Tom Batiuk has done far worse than kill the band…he’s hurt it. And he wishes to go on…hurting it. He will leave the band as he leaves us, as he left Lisa: marooned for all eternity in “a reality-based comic strip that depicts contemporary issues affecting young adults in a thought-provoking and sensitive manner”…buried alive! Buried alive…!