I Am the Eggman

Les has dispensed with the jerky questions and now proceeds to his list of demands: “I want to be able to write the screenplay.” Sure. And maybe you’d like to portray yourself while you’re at it, you egomanic? Ann has no doubt heard such highfalutin’ assumptions before, and quickly puts Les’ formidable ego in check by equating his masterwork with mere henfruit.

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  1. Epicus Doomus

    An astounding display of arrogance from Les in panel one, who just never stops out-doing himself with the smugness. It should be routine by now and it is, yet it never ceases to amaze.

    What Annie should say is: “Uh, yeah, hotshot. You go right ahead and draw up a rough first draft, uh-huh. Oh, and Les? This time try not to lose your only copy, m’ kay?”.

    And get a gander at panel two, where Les’ haughty arrogance has been completely crushed by Hollywood’s evil, sinister machinations. They’re going to take his beloved Lisa story and use it for their own greedy, disgusting means. Sure, he’ll get paid, but at the price of his very identity as a dead-wife-cancer-book writer. He can hardly bear the pain. What will he do, what will he…..(zzzzzzzz).

    I’ve noticed that the bizarre squiggly lines are prominent again this week. Maybe it’s a psychological thing, you know, to make it even more unpleasant. I sure do hate ’em, though.

  2. MKay

    Well, it’s immature of me, but I can’t stop giggling, picturing Les literally laying an egg.

  3. John

    Les: “I want to be able to write the screenplay.”

    Ann: “I want to be able to sprout wings and fly to the Moon! I guess we’ll see which of us gets what we want, eh?”

    Les: “Why are you mocking me? I mean, it’s true that I’ve never written a dramatic presentation before, certainly not a movie. It’s true that I have only the vaguest notion of what exactly a screenplay is…but why should that matter? I wrote a book about John Darling!”

    Ann: “…*…Les, writers like J.K. Rowling can call the shots when dealing with Hollywood. She wrote what quickly became the most popular, most beloved series of novels in the entire world. You’ve written two book report style deals, one mostly about how your wife’s death really bummed you out. The other…never actually got published. Why are you acting as if you’re hot snot on a silver platter? Heck, why are you assuming that evil, scary Hollywood writers are going to mangle your griefporn? Shouldn’t there be a good chance they’ll find a way to make Lisa’s Story come to life in a way that you couldn’t? Isn’t that more important than you throwing hissy fit after hissy fit? And anyways, aren’t you really just interested in the money to begin with? This is no time to pretend you’re all high and mighty.”

    Les: “…huh? You still taking, woman? Oh, and I want my own trailer on set when they film it. All of the furniture inside MUST be white, to match my purity and integrity. And I want Montoni’s pizza delivered to it daily!” *huffs*

    Ann: *sigh*

  4. note to lester: skills required for writing a non-fiction autobiographical pity-tome ≠ skills required for writing a screenplay.

  5. sourbelly

    Yeah, Les definitely laid an egg all right.

    Am I the only one who hears “I want to be able to write the screenplay” in the voice of a really whiny six-year-old girl?

  6. sourbelly

    Oops, hang on. Les says, “I WANT TO BE ABLE to write the screenplay.” Dream on, Death Boy. You are not able. Not even close.

  7. Les writing a screenplay would be like TB writing a decent comic strip.

    Not even close

  8. Jeffcoat Wayne

    Hey, look — Les has egg on his face in Panel 2! Yolk, yolk, yolk! Ann lets him down gently, but sometimes you have to go withthe direct approach:

  9. davidorth

    You *are* part of the screen writer’s guild union, right Les? I mean, why else would you be making such a stupid demand?

    Wow, my head is hurting again. He took what, TEN YEARS (at least, he started on it pre-jump) to finish Lisa’s story and that when he only had a job as a teacher. Now he’s a:

    Full-time high school teacher
    Author-on-a-book-tour
    Manager at Montoni’s
    Father (?) –Summer has been reduced to a prop waddling around on crutches.

    When in the hell is he supposed to find time to write a script; something he’s never even done before?

    Oh man, I can just see it– a whole week of hilarity in finding who’s going to be cast as Les.

  10. S.P. Charles

    Sourbelly, you mean “not even nearly.”

  11. David

    When Les says he wants to be able to write the screenplay, he must think that means opening his book text in Microsoft Word and reformatting the entire thing with names, places etc, so the entire text of his book “looks” like a screenplay. Because we all know he would not allow one word of his masterpiece to be cut.

    Hint to Les: there is no “convert this doc to a screenplay” wizard in Word.

    Batom must have already realized there is no Wizard for making his strip good.

  12. Miskatonic Sophomore

    “Scramble it? SCRAMBLE it? Why, those BASTARDS! When I lay an egg, you don’t scramble it. You don’t crack it and throw the broken shell away. You pick up that egg–put some gloves on first!–and you gently, oh so gently and carefully, place it upon a velveteen pillow. I should think a purple pillow would be best. Are you getting all this?”

  13. dollyllama

    lay an egg (American informal)
    to fail to make people enjoy or be interested in something. Our first two sketches got big laughs, but the next two laid an egg.

  14. Flummoxicated

    Ha ha ha ha! Oh, Tom Bat! You sly dog, you *can* still write a funny strip! The mere idea that Les has the slightest clue about how to write a screenplay is hilarious!

  15. TheDiva

    I wonder how much longer it will take for Ann Apple to hang up on Les, throw on her old bag lady togs, and find a grocery cart to push around Central Park. The life of a transient may be a harsh one, but worth it if she never has to hear Les’ whiny unrealistic demands ever again.

  16. Charles

    Les should have it calmly explained to him that it’s an exceptionally bad idea to have the screenwriter be a first-timer who has an emotional investment in the original work. They’re two different media, so what works in one doesn’t always work in the other, and Les’ emotional investment is such that he will simply not cut or alter anything, no matter how inappropriate or poorly suited it may be for a film.

    Betcha it has a narrator or a voice-over from one of the characters.

  17. davidorth

    Tell ya what, Les, why don’t you wander around Westview for a week telling everyone that it’s really important that you do the screenplay so that the memory of Lisa isn’t tarnished. By the time you get back, a professional, experienced, unionized screenplay writer will have already completed a first draft and went through a couple of revisions.

  18. Charlene

    Aw, how sweet. Les thinks his book won’t be made into a Lifetime Movie of the Week, with Les turned into the villain.

  19. John

    The really depressing thing is that every single reader here knows exactly how this will play out:

    Les will end up shaming evil, stupid ol’ “Hollywood” with his brilliance and integrity, then roll his eyes and pout when getting the invitation to the Academy awards, then smirk and huff when clueless fans come up to ask for his autograph.

    His special “For spreading cancer awareness” Oscar will be used to prop up a table at Montoni’s. All the option money will be used to fund new book tours, and the John Darling documentary.

    (Summer won’t see so much as a big fat nickel.)

  20. Jeffcoat Wayne

    Knowing Les, his entire screenplay will consist of him sitting on a park bench telling passersby about his beloved Lisa, who will occasionally surface in short flashback sequences. For the second draft, Hollywood will have those passersby inflict violence upon Les every time he opens his mouth and disturbs the quiet pastoral setting. Also, come awards time, the Academy will agree that the casting of Vin Diesel as Lisa was an inspired choice, and it’ll win him his first and only Oscar.

  21. Sgt. Saunders

    What people generally don’t realize is that there is no character called “Les” in “Lisa’s Story.” The whole thing is told from Lisa’s perspective and she just doesn’t even see Les. Author Les is left to narrate for Lisa. I hear the van scene is really steamy. Boy, is that ever gross.