Well, looks like we’ve abandoned the idea of “punchlines” after just a couple of tries, and we’re back to what Les does better than anyone: drink in unearned praise and be a smug ass in response. Today’s strip is just Moore proof, if any were needed, that this is Tom Batiuk’s fantasy Comic Con panel. Look, if you dare, upon that mug in the last panel. He’s looking right at you, dear reader, and issuing an invitation for you to praise him. While he waits, I’m sure you can think of another, more appropriate word that also begins with “p” that you’d like to bestow upon him.
We also learn that Les Moore, literature teacher, has actually read two works of literature: Moby Dick (referred to many times) and “The Snows of Kilimanjaro” (also referred to during last year’s Kilimanjaro arc). I’m sure his students get a blistering education by studying those two works, over and over and over again. And it means Les never has to update his syllabus. Win-win, amirite?
Personally, when I think of Les Moore comparing himself to Ernest (or for that matter, Mariel) Hemingway, I’m reminded of Woody Allen’s “The Lost Generation” — “Hemingway punched me in the mouth.” I think watching anyone punch Les in the mouth would be a treat, even if it was Woody (or for that matter, Irwin) Allen so you knew it wouldn’t hurt much.
I’m sure hoping that next week will find as at a different location. The decor of Montoni’s is damn ugly. The bricks are okay, as is the tiled sidewalk, but the canopy and tablecloth are as tasteless as the pizza. The place should be called Pizza Clown, or Kindergarten Pizzeria, or Paint-Store Explosion Pizza – “If you can eat here, you must be color blind!” What’s inexplicable is how lovingly it’s rendered here. If this strip was black-and-white, it wouldn’t hurt my eyes as much as it does now.
Son of Stuck Funky 
I love the Les signature. Kill the third panel with fire. That is full, 100% strength Les Moore smug, staring right into the reader’s eyes. “All that he would do” consists of making a martyr of Dead Lisa, and writing about her early death and his presumed heartache. So why is he so pleased about this?
Look at the way BatCon just totally pulled out the stops in capturing every delicate little nuance of Les’ insufferable smugness. Panel one: sitting there in that “dick with ears” pose of his. Panel two: eyebrows cocked, poised to deliver another unfunny bit of annoying wordplay. Panel three: a masterpiece of obnoxious smugness that virtually defines the character, a loving and detailed rendering that perfectly captures Les at peak annoyingness. He is far and away the most loathsome character in the entire history of fiction itself. There is no second place.
Then look at Cayla in panel two. He didn’t even bother to finish the top half of her head! He’s always had his, uh…”difficulties” drawing her but goddamn, man, that’s just laughably terrible. Just such a blatant example of not even trying at all, no question one of the very worst Cayla’s ever.
And that f*cking apartment! What key moment in Westviewian lore HASN’T happened there? “The apartment above here”…yeah, upstairs, as we say here in America, tubby. Whoever gave the final “OK” on that Cayla drawing must not have read the dialog either. And yeah, sure, let’s declare the apartment above them a national historic landmark because Les f*cking Moore wrote one of his two books there. The way these people’s lives seem to revolve entirely around that stupid building boggles the mind. This one gets my vote for most annoying FW of 2013 so far.
(Fantastic title today, BC!)
Meanwhile, over in Panel #4:
Funky: No, you smug son of a bitch! If you’d let me finish speaking, I was going to say that I remember all those times you used to pace the floor screaming, “This is so ha-a-a-a-a-rd!! I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing! I can’t be a writer! Bo0-hoo-hoo, oh woe is me!” Any of this coming back to you, Asswipe?
You summed it all up, Epicus Doomus. All I have to add is “uggh”
I am still waiting for a follow up on that Sunday strip in June, a throwback from 1980ish, which featured a rerun of the John Darlng talk show (did you know that Jessica is the daughter of Her father John Darling?)
Maybe it’s called a punchline because it makes you want to bash Les’ face in with your fist….
Everyone works at Montoni’s. Everyone is a writer. Everyone has lived in that apartment. Everyone will die of cancer.
I think Les actually has a lot in common with Ernest…not Hemingway but the Ernest that went to Jail, School, and Camp. Didn’t Jim Varney have a similar goatee in real life as well?
Who in town hasn’t lived in that apartment? And oh, hey did you know Tom Batiuk climbed Kilimanjaro? Didn’t think you might know. Sure it’s been obsessed at least 24 times, but sure it couldn’t hurt to mention it at least one more time, right?
He sat at the table in the dirty, poorly-lighted pizzeria and looked at the woman’s face. He remembered a darker face with coarse hair, but this was still a fine face. On the counter sat a green pitcher. It was cold and pure and good. The man asked for another drink. The fat waiter with the sweaty face and blistered feet shook his head. “No more tonight,” he said employing the syntax used by stupid people speaking to screenwriters or English teachers. “Close now.” The man counted the saucers on his table, paid his bill, and, with the woman walking several steps behind him, waddled out the door, unsteadily and with no dignity. The waiter began closing up and said to himself, “Our nada who art in nada, nada be thy name. Thy kingdom nada thy will be nada in nada as it is in nada. Give us this nada our daily nada and nada us our nada as we nada our nadas and nada us not into nada but deliver us from nada; pues nada. Hail nothing full of nothing, nothing is with thee.”
Funky: “Wait, was this entire conversation just so you’d have an excuse to let us know that you’d totally read classic books?!?”
Les: “Yes, yes it was.” *superior smirk*
Funky: ‘An English teacher who’s read old books. Gee, that’s REMARKABLE is what THAT is.”
Les: “…um…somehow it doesn’t make me sound special and awesome when you say it that way.”
Funky: “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll say it this way: It fills me with awe, what a s[ecial sort of d-bag you are, Les!”
Les: ‘Ah, better. ….*…HEY!”
Cayla: “Um, can I talk about myself for a little bit?”
Les and Funky: “QUIET, WOMAN!”
“Everyone has lived in that apartment.”
It’s the Westview equivalent of Marine Corps boot camp.
Diva: Maybe it’s called a punchline because it makes you want to bash Les’ face in with your fist….
And you’ll have to wait in line to do it.
Though I’m trying not to think about the strip itself, today is great example of why we need the ability to click the thumbs up for the original post.
I know this has been said a hundred times, but how the hell does Montoni’s stay in business if the only people that eat there are the “usual gang of idiots”?
I mean does Funky only reserve outside seating for “special douchebags”? We’re the hell are the rest of the customer’s. And it’s not like there are any other places to eat in this godforsaken town either.
Is it too much effort for Tom Batiuk to draw other human beings in a scene? Heck even Apt 3G manages to draw nameless blue people in the crowd every now and then.
“All that he would do”, huh? So much for the rest of your life, douchebag.
Les only writes books about people who’ve died. Suggestion: how about an autobiography, Les? God I hate him so, so much.
OK to make my point from yesterday–take yesterday’s panel three and add it as panel four but with Funky saying ““I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through…I’m here for you and listen as much as you need…And be your friend even if I haven’t got the right words.” and you have comedy gold.
Les has been waiting most of his tainted existence to render that quote about Himself. Just look at that canned ham of a mug! You know he has. *suppresses gag reflex*
Amazing that he manged to do a strip more hateful than Les’s home run trot strip.
This is just wishful thinking, but panel 3 would be the perfect final panel for FW. Just add “Fin.” Cut, print, that’s a wrap!