Today’s strip was not available for preview. Instead of my usual trite attempts at strip-related snark, please enjoy this trite attempt at a tribute to a popular television personality who is leaving the air this very evening.
The Top Ten things you don’t want to hear at Montoni’s
10. We’re bring back the gazpacho pizza.
9. I’m sorry, no credit cards. We accept cash, check, and fair condition or above issues of Starbuck Jones.
8. Holly, can you go down to the storeroom and get some more napkins? Yeah, they’re between the Space Invaders machine and Maddie Klinghorn.
7. *Ring* Hello? What? The Band Box checked themselves out of rehab?
6. Darrin, did I see you changing Skyler on table 3?
5. Hey Tony, where is our list area? The health department said we need to get rid of it.
4. Huh, that plate of Pup-Peroni I laid out for Buddy was here a minute ago.
3. Crazy’s beard just DOES NOT wash out of these coffee mugs.
2. Let me tell you about Hollywood…
and the number one thing you don’t want to hear at Montoni’s
1. Eh, he’s no John Darling. Now that guy knew how to do a talk show finale.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Where is old man Montoni. I think he was abducted on 11/11/08 as he was sweeping out front of Luigi, er, Montoni’s. I can’t think of anything else that could have happened to him in that strip, and so he was sent off, cancer growing inside of him, to an alien rest home, where they promise no visits from Dinkle or the other a$$ clowns from Westview. Maybe it is heaven.
Tony Montoni is supposedly in Florida, as he’s a “snowbird” who winters down there. Although that does nothing to explain where the hell he is for the other 8-9 months a year. I think Les has some sort of stake in Montoni’s too, although I have no idea re: the details of that.
11. Sir? That is pizza.
12. What did you think anchovies actually are? I sincerely apologize for the gills, fins, and scales! But seriously man, I cannot apologize for the excessive saltiness in your pizza! This ain’t the Laverne and Shirley Show going on over here!
12. Les just called, he’s picking up his order in person.
13. I’m sorry Becky, but you’re just not working out as our new pizza dough-tosser.
14. We appreciate your comment about the improvement of our pizza, but that was the box you just ate.
Forgive my ignorance, but in #5 what is a “list area”?
DOlz: Listeria is the name of a bacteria found in soil and water and some animals, including poultry and cattle. It can be present in raw milk and foods made from raw milk. It can also live in food processing plants and contaminate a variety of processed meats. Yummers!!
“list area” phonetically sounds kind of like listeria.
Edit: Epicus beat me to it. Sorry for the redundancy.
That pun is more TB than TB himself, billy!! Should we be concerned?????
Don’t be so pessimistic, Harry. You’re likely to die tragically well before you’re decrepit enough for Bedside Manor.
God do I hate Dinkle and his sub-moronic jokes. What, he’s going to walk into a nursing home with a bunch of crappy old band instruments without any plan whatsoever? What an idiot. And what the hell happened to Buddy? Wally couldn’t do a damn thing without that dog and now all of a sudden he’s just forgotten. Talk about intelligence-murdering drivel.
It’s funny because he’s an unappreciative clod who doesn’t realize that his wife had to be both parents while he was being the insane and unsympathetic little tin god band director who made a sick, oblivious farce of himself.
OK, so apparently it was not a case of a group of former musicians at the home wanting to get together and form a band, it’s a case of Dinkle just loading up a bunch of random worn out instruments in his van and bringing them to the home and expecting to find people who are willing and able to play them. Of course, he’ll have them belting out a flawless “Stars and Stripes Forever” by the end of the week (or at least by Independence Day). In reality, they’d probably be just as happy with a box of tambourines, jingle bells, and wooden blocks.
We’re all going to end up in a miserable, depressing nursing home. Once again, Tom Batiuk’s bleak worldview comes shining through.
Ladies and Gentlemen, in 1989 our next guest became the first fictional character to march in the Tournament of Roses parade. He lends his name to the 3rd most-popular brand of marching band shoes. This week he showed up at the Bedside manor assisted living facility in Westview Ohio, and the events which followed terrified a nation. Please welcome, the self-described “world’s greatest band director”…
15. Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco, Buttafuoco.
15. Winkerbean, Winkerbean, Winkerbean.
Okay, according to the archives the last appearance of Wally (generally considered the least annoying character in the strip) was his wedding last year, at which he still looked healthy:
http://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/ck3/content.php?file=aHR0cDovL3NhZnIua2luZ2ZlYXR1cmVzLmNvbS9GdW5reVdpbmtlcmJlYW4vMjAxNC8wNi9GdW5reV9XaW5rZXJiZWFuLjIwMTQwNjE0XzE0NDAuZ2lm
Conversely, this week he appears thin and balding, not at all like a person with … let’s just call it “The Big C”:
http://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/ck3/content.php?file=aHR0cDovL3NhZnIua2luZ2ZlYXR1cmVzLmNvbS9GdW5reVdpbmtlcmJlYW4vMjAxNS8wNS9GdW5reV9XaW5rZXJiZWFuLjIwMTUwNTE4XzE0NDAuZ2lm
One can only assume that he started losing his hair, Rachel left him, and Buddy has died.
Forget Wally, what the heck happened to Holly since the Wally-Rachel wedding?!
Speak for yourself, Wally!! “Some” of these Westviewians will have the prestige of dying slowly in an oncology ward and hence be cannonized by an annoying bearded spouse!
Now that Wally has done something nice for Harry, will he demand that Harry assist his living—if you know what I mean?
@bad wolf – the artwork in the June ’14 strip certainly tells us a lot.
Becky is a couple of squibs next to John. She looks like an afterthought–“Oh, I guess Becky should be there, next to John”–so he drew her like a hand puppet. John’s been rendered with a bit more care. Holly appears 50 pounds lighter. Then there’s some kid, never seen before and never seen since.
And of course, Les is rendered with loving detail.
You can see this coming. One of the guys Harry runs into at Bedside Manor is probably old Crankshaft. Remember he’s ten years older in this time frame than he is in his own strip and is in a home
Dinkle: “I’m not sure why I’m doing this.”
Wally: “…wait, then why did you ask me to hel-”
Dinkle: “We’re all just going to get old, then get dumped into a loveless, lifeless institution anyway.”
Wally: “Um, wow. Why do you talk about great age like this is something you haven’t experienced ye-”
Dinkle: “My wife keeps sassin’ me. It’s as if she thinks her contributions to our marriage should be RESPECTED or something. Can you believe it?!? HAW!!!!”
Wally: “….these effin’ black boxes weigh tons. Why didn’t you invest in moving dolly?!?”
Dinkle: “I enjoy inflicting suffering on others.”
@beckoningchasm–good call on The Becky Puppet. There’s a Comics Kingdom commenter that should use that icon.
Wait a sec, wasn’t Rachel a single mother? Was that the only appearance of her kid?