Motherless Children Have a Hard Time

Gerard Plourde
September 30, 2015 at 8:42 am
More evidence of what a control freak she is. Does she really think that an adult entering a blended family would need this advice?…

Succinctly put, Gerard. All of the “advice” that Lisa’s spouting in today’s strip simply should go without saying, even to someone who was raised an only child. Meanwhile, swaddled in her blanket and with that dispassionate stare, she’s starting to remind me of poor Fleet Captain Christopher Pike in that old Star Trek episode, The Menagerie.

Edit: By the time I finished composing today’s post, Professor Fate had already commented on Lisa’s resemblance to Capt. Pike. A tip of the pink ballcap to you, Professor!


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

48 responses to “Motherless Children Have a Hard Time

  1. Guest Page Turner Author

    I am early here, so haven’t seen Wednesday’s episode yet. I am just so crazy with anticipation of how bad this next one’s gonna unfold.

    Between the creepy Skelton head of Lisa screaming from the beyond, the sexual innuendo of said skeleton, the amazing passiveness and seeming delight of Cayla, and the really Super odd addition of 1950s photo corners to the first two rants of St Dead Narcissistic Lisa,

    I’ve got to say we have a big score coming with tomorrow’s dreaded panels!

    I love it when Battic is giving us a superbly extreme awful arc.

    Makes up for the stupid lapses with Funky on a treadmill, or Mason in “Hollywood “, or comic book searches. All of which are awful, but not GOD AWFUL!

    Not to mention goth girl and chullo boy, with her bully demanding her Metamucil.

    Thanks, Battic! Thanks for Christmas in September with your truly awful yet truly fantastic “comic strips!” You haven’t been this gloriously awful since Frankie and Les wanted to film a reality show in Westview!

    “The only thing real about reality shows is that they REALLY stink!” Thanks, Jessica!

  2. Jim in Wisc.

    TFHackett, I’m still laughing at that!! BTW, follow the link for today’s strip and then click on “Buy Prints.” It’s not as creepy as Tuesday’s strip, but it is all kinds of awful in its own way.

  3. Well my shipment of extra vomit finally came in today, just in time for the rest of this week. Hope 40,000 gallons can last.

  4. I can’t seem to see today’s offering, despite it being well after midnight and supposedly published by several sites.

    I’m taking this as a good thing. When you’ve spent the last few days opening diapers to find a remarkably unpleasant surprise, perhaps it’s good to let the diapers air for a while before you glance at the report.

  5. Great. The damned thing is obviously so awful, it broke Comics Kingdom. I can see why….there’s only so much possessiveness of a no-hoper the web can take.

  6. Rusty Shackleford

    Still not available…. Hmmmmmm, maybe the syndicate cancelled him. Now Batty gets to collect his kill fee.

  7. The entire Comics Kingdom site is still down. I guess Lisa made good on her poltergeist threat.

  8. Site is still down. I guess the people in the CK IT department care as much about their jobs as Tom.

  9. A HREF

    I can’t see the comic either, but what would be great if is if it had ghost Lisa sucking on her finger watching Cayla watching dying Lisa on the DVD.

    Like this:

    (Yes I know bobanero posted it yesterday but it is better than a year’s worth of FW)

  10. Just read it at my local paper’s mobile site as I have a sub. Absolutely ghastly, particularly in the implicit assumptions about human psychology on the part of TB. Does he actually know of someone who behaves like this in real life? Or death? No spoiler, other than to say that it’s a single panel with the picture holder corners, and it supports my previous contention that he really did forget to use them in Sunday’s strip, and that he has no one to tell him when he flubs continuity.

  11. A HREF

    Also really disappointed Chris Sims at Comic Allieance is not updating the month’s most depressing Funky Winkerbean—or did he just decide that all were as equally depressing, so what is the point?

  12. @A HREF: This is why Chris Sims effectively ended FunkyWatch.

    He will never say as such, but his suspended by Townsquare Media (Comics Alliance’s parent company) was obviously a zero tolerance one.

  13. Don’t worry, this week isn’t entirely about the Specialest Snowflake of the Universe…we have to acknowledge the Specialest Snowflake Spawn as well.

  14. Scott Lovrine

    Comics Kingdom is now working (at least for me.)

  15. louder

    You look at the “buy today’s comic” (like heck I will!!) section, you can see today’s strip, which is worse than yesterday’s.

    This week is so unbelievably bad, it’s not even funny. CancerHead spouting off inane crap, that BatHack treats like the Sermon on the Mount, but which NotLisa would already know. BatHack is a very mentally disturbed person at this point, and if there is a person ready this comic that has actually lost a spouse to cancer, this would be the worst thing in the world to read, as it’s lesson is that you can never move one with your life, but you’re frozen at the moment of death that happened so many years ago, so abandon hope all who enter..

  16. sgtsaunders

    Has Lisa said what she is going to do about the tides yet? I mean this high tide at 6:58 AM jazz is a little early. I hear she’s also promised to slow the earth’s orbital speed in October to give us a longer fall to prolong Les’ melancholy as the leaves slowly change color.

  17. DOlz

    Oops wrong tape today. This one was meant for TB.

  18. More evidence of what a control freak she is. Does she really think that an adult entering a blended family would need this advice? (Especially from someone who admits that as an only child she has no direct experience of sibling relationships.)

  19. @Gerard Plourde: Not only is she a pontificating idiot and ungodly control freak who presumes to advise people who might actually know better than she does, she also seems to have assumed that Les remarried right away. This, after all, is a tape directed at someone raising an elementary school student Summer, not the youngish adult who gets along reasonably well enough with a step-sister she acquired in high school. Not only is she an arrogant dead woman, she’s dead wrong about how long it would have taken Les to get back in the game.

  20. @ Paul Jones: Excellent point. It also raises questions about how well she actually knows and understands Les, who was so devistated by the loss of DSL that he was still dealing with it in therapy years later (as evidenced by one of the earliest post-time-jump installments) and didn’t get into a serious relationship until Summer was in high school.

    A thought just occurred to me – Is this bullying arc and is Lisa the bully who abused Les and Summer in a domestic violence situation?

  21. HAnzMFG


    Oh, why am I asking that? No Funky story are has had any point or meaning in years.

  22. Epicus Doomus

    I couldn’t see the strip last night either. Given how Summer turned out vs. how Keisha turned out, I don’t think Cayla needs Lisa’s pablum-drenched “advice”. And the thought of Les Moore breeding again…shudder.

  23. billytheskink

    As infuriating as this strip is, considering how much screen time TB gave Summer and Keisha when they were high school siblings, I’ve gotta give him credit for one thing… Since they graduated, TB has treated the two with pretty much equal contempt.

    Keeping in mind that this is an “Easter Egg”, a deleted scene so-to-speak, I’m reminded of the end of the deleted scenes reel from “Weird Al” Yankovic’s UHF:

    “Listen, I’ll be straight with you. We’ve got hours and hours of footage from the movie that just stinks on ice. You don’t want to see it. You don’t want to know about it. I’m doing you a favor, believe me. I mean, look at all the junk that actually wound up in the movie. Well, this stuff is even worse than that! Kinda boggles the mind, doesn’t it?”

  24. Professor Fate

    Lisa is starting to look like Captain Pike from Star Trek.
    I notice that they have followed Lisa’s advice and treated the children the same – They both are completely ignoring their existence.

  25. “Lisa is starting to look like Captain Pike from Star Trek.” Though sadly her form of communication isn’t limited to a flashing light on her chest.

  26. captaincab

    I’m blown away at how insane this arc is. When I first saw the strips with VHS-Lisa threatening ghost-ectoplasm tinged revenge from beyond the grave and the strip with the surprisingly inappropriate innuendo about “If Les cries out my name at an awkward moment” I was absolutely shocked when I realized that they were both REAL strips. Because the first time I saw them, I immediately thought they were photoshop jobs done by someone making fun of the strip and had to refresh my browser several times to make sure I was actually on CK. Batiuk is either going a bit nuts or is trolling SF with these strips, there is no in between. Some other thoughts from this arc:

    -There’s no way the Lisa tapes needed to be “baked” or fixed by anyone unless they weren’t taken care of at all and stores in a bad environment. I have old fan made VHS tapes of MST3K episodes that are at least 15-16 years old which will still work fine if played (obviously I prefer the DVD sets now).

    -As a lifelong Godzilla fan I find it hard to believe a stuffed shirt as arrogant as Les Moore would be a fan. Fun fact: Watch the original B&W Godzilla (Gojira) from 1954 subtitled and without Raymond Burr, it is one somber and creepy monster film. Godzilla was a representation of the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was the only way at the time anyone in Japan could make a movie based on Hiroshima/Nagasaki due to post-war censorship that was still in place at the time. Even later light hearted sequels in the Godzilla series maintained an underlying anti nuclear theme.

    Um, anyways, feel bad I don’t post here as much. Still read the strip and SF every day right before I hit up Berke Breathed’s page for the soothing relief of a new Bloom County strip.

  27. Jimmy

    It’s been pointed out here before, but the corner panels…aren’t those supposed to indicate a wistful memory?

    Buck up, everyone! We still have at least three more days of this (probably four, with an extended Sunday strip. Huzzah!

  28. Epicus Doomus

    You know, Cayla might have been able to become more of a parental figure to Summer if Les hadn’t waffled over their relationship for years on end. And that waffling was all Lisa-based too. Hell, his PROPOSAL to Cayla was Lisa-based. It’s ALL Lisa-based.

    Re: siblings. I don’t think we’ve ever seen Les’ parents. I have to assume they either abandoned him or died of shame, either or. I remember Lisa’s parents though, I believe they visited her on her deathbed to once again scorn her sinful ways or something, because simply dying wasn’t quite enough suffering for her to endure.

    And now that I think about it, does ANYONE in the strip have any siblings? Crazy Harry has a bunch of kids, allegedly, and Bull has a few but off the top of my head I can’t think of any others. Is there a Jazzy Winkerbean or someone I’m forgetting?


    Actually I think Lisa reminds me of Professor X after being hit with the Legacy Virus. …

    …..I am such a nerd.

  30. Tom Batiuk’s straightforward dramatic text, or parody—can you tell the difference?

    Please be a good parent to my daughter…
    Though she’s very young,
    She’s a pretty tough kid…
    But not so tough she won’t need some guidance and hugs.

    If you have children of your own,
    Or children with Les…1
    Never play favorites…

    Know what to kiss—and when.
    Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.
    Wherever possible, put people on hold.
    Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
    and despite the changing fortunes of time,
    there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

    Neither Les nor I had any siblings,
    So this will be new territory for him.

    Help each other.

    1. 1. Ewwww!—Ed.  ↩

  31. For those of you who simply cannot get enough to Tom Batiuk, I recommend the official Funky Winkerbean blog page. This section of the FW site seemed like kind of an infrequently-updated afterthought, but lately he’s been posting fairly often, including reflections on his storied career and his many early influences.

  32. A HREF

    Chris back writing non-FW pieces for Comics Alliance:

  33. pj o'rourke

    “Has Lisa said what she is going to do about the tides yet? I mean this high tide at 6:58 AM jazz is a little early. I hear she’s also promised to slow the earth’s orbital speed in October to give us a longer fall to prolong Les’ melancholy as the leaves slowly change color.”

  34. “And now that I think about it, does ANYONE in the strip have any siblings?”

    You’re right. Wally is Funky’s cousin and as far as I know no siblings are ever introduced. Maybe Westview has a “One-Child” policy like China.

    Also, Re Bull – TB disclosed that Mickey is Linda’s daughter from a previous marriage. I don’t think any other kids have been mentioned.

  35. Correction to my last post – Mickey has a sister, Jinx, but interestingly TB states that Bull and Linda adopted her.


    It doesn’t surprise me that nobody has any siblings. Giving the cancer rate, it’s a miracle that any child reaches adolescence in this godforsaken place. Also given what we have seen of Westview Men and Women…would you want to have sex more times than you had to??

  37. Smirks 'R Us

    Tomorrow’s diatribe excerpts:

    “and for God’s sake..spread the peanut butter all the way to the edge!”

    “Less is an only child, has very few friends, no normal ones anyways, and is infested with insecurities, self-doubt, and negativity…come to think of it, he’s an asshole”

  38. @Gerard Plourde: You’re damned right that Lisa had no idea how hard her death would hit Les. This is because she clearly thinks that he’s a stronger man than he actually is. If she could see forward to his sitting on park benches talking to her ghost, making her the object of worship of some sort of death cult and generally being the whimpering slob he is now, she might have tried to score some government pot to make chemo more palatable.

  39. I have to confess that I’ve followed this strip for years and for the most part accepted the operatc melodrama, mostly accepting the flaws (like “How long was Wally a captive in Afghanistan?” and “What year is it really supposed to be?”and “If Crazy Harry was laid off from the Post Office isn’t he entitled to unused vacation plus unemployment compensation which might carry him close to the time that his vested pension should kick in?” ). But things have gotten increasingly weird and the whole “time pool” arc followed by this video insanity changed my perspective. I now feel like I’m watching a train wreck in slow motion. It’s simultaneously compelling and horrifying.

  40. batgirl

    Somebody may have said this, but I just can’t get over how Lisa goes all mama-bear about Les “you hurt him and I will CUT YOU” but for Summer it’s all “yeah, don’t play favourites, she’s a tough little kid”. One of these is a grown-ass man, the other is a 4-yr old kid. I don’t deny that losing a spouse is damned hard, but for a small child, who can barely understand death as permanent, it’s vastly harder, and Lisa says nothing about her daughter’s long-term grief.
    There’s a tendency by snarkers to be hard on Summer because she’s the Spawn of Lisa, but there’s something deeply sad about that also being her only value to anyone.

  41. Jason

    Man, today’s strip gives new meaning to the word “morbid”.

  42. Helskor

    Delurking after a long absence to mention for the sake of completeness that Mopey Pete had an older sister in Act II and Cindy had/has a younger sister (Sadie) who worked at Montoni’s for a while.

  43. Epicus Doomus

    Helskor: Gold star for you, great catch. Talk about some obscure characters!

  44. Batty Stinkerbutt

    I’m still waiting for Dying Lisa to break into a chorus of:

    “I’ve been undressed by kings
    and I’ve seen some things
    that a woman ain’t supposed to see.
    I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me.”


    “Truth is that man you fought with this morning
    The same one you’re going to make love with tonight
    That’s truth, that’s love!”

    Suck it, Dying Lisa.