Doppelcäncer

I think I drew the short straw in the author rotation, having to come up with commentary on the firehose of drivel that is this comic strip. Lisa expends more of her ever-diminishing breath lecturing her successor. There’s nothing left to say that has not already been pointed out by you erudite commenters. Someone pointed out how Stricken Lisa bears a resemblance to Wally, but when she musters a grin in panel two, she kind of looks like her creator, in which case, this whole filibuster she’s delivering in praise of Les makes sense: we are Cayla.

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44 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

44 responses to “Doppelcäncer

  1. SpacemanSpiff85

    Lisa, you ridiculously arrogant and unlikeable woman, why did you bother making this tape if you were just going to condescend to “the other woman”, and go on and on about how superior your love is to every other love in the world? I’m honestly surprised the tape wasn’t her just shrieking “HE’S MINE HE’S MINE YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM HE’S MINE” and then flashing bright random lights in an attempt to fry Cayla’s brain and kill her.
    At this rate, by Saturday, Lisa will be talking about Les is literally the pinnacle of human evolution and civilization, and how Cayla should count herself fortunate she’s there to hear him cry out “LISAAAAAAAAAA” during “an awkward moment”.

  2. Batty Stinkerbutt

    Is Dead Lisa trying to convince Cayla to love Les, or is Tom Batiuk trying to convince disgusted readers to love Les? The former might work, but the latter certainly won’t.

  3. Alan Thicke for Optima Tax Relief

    Blah, blah and blah. By now you’ve heard this plea so many times, you’re not even listening: “Oh, it’s HER again!”

  4. SpacemanSpiff85

    @ATFOTR:
    I’m assuming that’s why the panels have been all Lisa for the past two days. Cayla’s surely throwing up in the bathroom.

  5. SpacemanSpiff85

    It’s really incredible that a week can START with the topic of a Les Mooregasm (I guarantee that’s what he calls it), and then actually get progressively worse from there.

  6. If Dead St. Lisa the Cancer Chew Toy of the Misdiagnosed Mammogram Who Was Cremated really thinks that St. Les the Rightous Smirker is all that and a bag of chips, she would be spending time with him instead of making a gazillion Mary Worth-esque meddling VHS tapes.

    Tom Batiuk, if you’ve really run out of ideas at this juncture – as this arc obviously is suggesting – I hate to break it to you but this strip won’t make it to March 26, 2022.

  7. Epicus Doomus

    Batiuk has to be trolling us here, I mean there’s no f*cking way he wrote this nauseating drivel with a straight face. A withered dying Lisa droning on about how Les f*cking Moore hung the moon and the stars in the sky…come on. He’s either screwing with us or he wrote and drew this one-handedly with his pants around his ankles. If you don’t cringe with embarrassment after reading this one, I’m sorry but I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

    And that second panel is everything I hate about FW encapsulated into one terrible drawing and one stupid line of dialog. Lisa manages to glorify the least-likable fictional character who’s ever lived while simultaneously gloating about her capacity for loving (ugh) Les, which The Other Woman will be hard-pressed to match. Man, Batom’s dream woman Lisa sure is a piece of work, isn’t she? And that titly-headed thing she’s doing to convey warm sincerity…yuck.

    And also note that Cayla, Les’ actual still-living wife, hasn’t been seen in days. That also tells you a whole lot right there. This is just such a massive, unbelievable ego trip, hidden behind layer after layer of gooey sap. And you can make of that imagery what you will.

  8. Rembrandt36

    Horseshit!

  9. billytheskink

    My spies have uncovered TB’s first draft of this strip. Unsurprisingly, it was originally written, as so much of TB’s work is, from the author’s perspective.

    Les is the greatest thing I ever conceived, and now he’s your’s to read… I hope you appreciate that.
    Les deserves readers who loves him as much as I do.
    I don’t know if that’s possible, but you have to try… It will be worth it.

  10. I’m not sure what I can add here. The preceding comments hit on all of the points. Lisa is being revealed as arrogant, vain, proud and, as the Bible puts it, “puffed up.” Never have I seen an author take a hatchet so thoroughly to what was thought to be a beloved creation. Finding out that Atticus Finch, a Southerner born before the turn of the 20th Century, supported segregation is small potatoes compared to this complete recasting of Dead St. Lisa as a narcissistic harpy.

  11. Guest Page Turner Author

    I honestly think that I don’t understand.

    What has made Les so special?

    What has made Lisa so special?

    You need to show, dear author, not just say.

    You would think that a discussion from a woman who has passed would have some power. But, alas, it does not.

    You have got to make us feel this is real, dear author. You have not.

    I apologize for any snarkiness that you have felt from here. But c’mon, man.

    Stop peddling so much trite! It’s an insult to those of us who have had actual human experiences.

  12. I can’t even think of a way to snark this, it’s that nauseating and insulting to the intelligence.

  13. I’ve often stated that the word most descriptive of Tom Batiuk’s work is inexplicable, and that it certainly is. But this recent stuff demands supplementary Latinate adjectives: incorrigible, insufferable, interminable.

    In all of Act 3, there is not one quark of evidence that Les has earned the devotion that Lisa expresses on these creepiest of “tapes.” No evidence exists of any jot or tittle of decency or good character that entitles Les to even a base hit on the tiniest of imaginary baseball diamonds.

    And yet, here we are, witnessing a dead woman sitting. And pontificating.

    I want to be at least ¼ parsec removed from this reality.

  14. The only way this makes any rational sense is if Lisa is so smitten with the idiot who wanted to take a bullet for her when she was pregnant with Durwood that she’s blinded herself to what a droning, boring, simpering, whining, sunken-chested, stoop-shoulders, clueless, pompous, sniveling, driveling and graceless passive turd of a man Les is. We see a fist-magnet who sees her as proof of what a great guy he is. She sees a white knight because she’s a different kind of oblivious failure: a theatrical nitwit who looks very much like a condescending harpy who is cravenly glad to be the focus of Nice-Guyism.

    What also makes rational sense is Cayla snapping the DVD in two instead of watching it every day like Batiuk will have her do.

  15. ComicTrek

    No, it won’t be worth it. Les’s new wife will go through a stark change in her physical appearance to try to look “younger” for this guy. She will mostly be ignored and abandoned in favor of Lisa. Certain aspects of her personality will constantly be compared and contrasted to those of Lisa’s. Her very life is a daily reminder that she isn’t Lisa, what with her husband always leaving her or dragging her along to do something totally Lisa-related: Hollywood, the park, the tapes, the reunion, stuff like that. She’s second rate to a *dead woman*. Does that sound like a “gift”? Does that sound like love?

    I mean, look at her now. Just sitting there on a couch, intently watching video footage of….Lisa. The one who she will never measure up to unless she becomes her doppelgänger or something. Cruel world.

    ~Lisa is super creepy now, by the way!~

  16. @ComicTrek: What makes it all the worse is that we’re still dealing with Lisa sort of digging this possibility what with her “Oh, Les is soooooo special, life has been sooooo unkind to Les because he’s a child who expects stuff to be just HANDED to him and it’s sooooo unfair that he’s got to earn it and people are sooooo mean to him and oh, yeah, children are resilient so don’t worry about Summer, worry about The Best Guy EVER!!!!”

    No wonder the filthy dick loves her. Even in death, she gives him the mindless praise an entitled white assbucket like him sees as his birthright.

  17. Lisa was a bit of a narcissi.

  18. At this point, I’m actually rooting for Prof. Less to come in the room and put an end to this hat-wearing run-on sentence.

    By whatever means necessary.

  19. MKay

    Couldn’t this mess all have been accomplished with one spectral phone call?

  20. louder

    I’m actually thankful for cancer at this point..

  21. DOlz

    At this point there is only one lens I can view this arc thru. It’s pretty much accepted that TB uses Les as his avatar. If we consider Not-Lisa as an avatar for his readers this begins to make sense. Lisa is s̶̶̶c̶̶̶r̶̶̶e̶̶̶a̶̶̶m̶̶̶i̶̶̶n̶̶̶g̶ ̶a̶t̶ pleading with us to understand how special and wonderful TB and his writing are.

    Of course if Not-Lisa is an avatar for his readers it also explains the contempt and dismissive attitude TB shows to the character.

  22. Professor Fate

    ‘While there is no way you could ever love Les, the greatest man in the universe, as well as I could, your pathetic attempts to do will at least amuse Les, the greatest man in the universe, when he’s not worshiping at my shrine, which he will do.”
    Gad what a horror show this week has been. The truly frightening thing is tht there is that DVD marked ‘for Les’ one wonders just what sort ghastly moments await us there. “Remember you are the greatest thing to happen to this woman…remind her of that everyday.”

  23. Wait till Cayla finds out that this DVD is her anniversary gift this year.

  24. ComicBookHarriet

    LISA: “Maybe you would expect me to mention Summer, or maybe even Darin, as gifts at least equal, if not greater, than Les. But I prefer to refer to them as ‘accidents.'”

  25. Jim in Wisc.

    DOlz: That’s just what I was thinking. This week has seen truly disturbing levels of self-praise, as well as begging to be loved. One thing that comes to mind is the old running SNL skit with Jon Lovitz as the Devil: “… worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls …”

  26. Funky Wienerbat

    Oh God, that updated photo in the masthead above. Once a fucking doormat, ALWAYS a fucking doormat. Not surprised we have to endure at least another week of this horseshit.

  27. If that new header with Les and Cayla hugging is any indicator, we are either in for a grand Gone With the Wind-worthy emotional climax (read: more gagging per capita than a class trip to a county morgue), or an entire extra week’s worth of watching the Les vid (read: more gagging, etc.). Either way we lose.

  28. With all this character shilling, Les has officially become The Wesley.

    The Lesley, if you will.

  29. Rembrandt36

    Of COURSE we are going to get the hell of watching the Les DVD. Is there any doubt?

  30. Rusty Shackleford

    Ah, Batty is a true gift to the comics page. A master at his craft. He took a risk and depicted a person with cancer. Wow. Edgy, artistic, and insightful.

    Please cancer, work your magic on Lisa already.

    PS: Summer is not tough, she is a lazy mope.

  31. Cancer won’t silence St. Lisa of the Awkwardly Cried-Out Name. Apparently. Ever.

  32. I haven’t read this much praise lavished on a repellent non-entity since Lynn Johnston pleaded with us to love Anthony “Pornstache” Caine. HIS selling point is that John and Elly loooooved him…which means that a comically inept dentist and a shrill housewife who was so stupid, she sat on her ass boasting about her vacation while her four year old damned near drowned because Mommy couldn’t be asked to get herself a back gate that couldn’t be defeated by a pointy stick are Canadian for cancer-ridden passive-aggressive jackass.

  33. $$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$$

    The only amusing thing in this strip is the dangling camera lens cap in panel 3. What makes it hilarious is that it suggests that Lisa actually may have left the camera lens covered making some of these idiotic monologues. I can just imagine that half of these tapes are complete blanks.

  34. @ Fred Blurt – I fear that the new header may foreshadow that Cayla, knowing that she is unworthy, “heroically” invites Lisa’s spirit to inhabit her body so that the “Greatest Love in the History of Comics” can be revived.

  35. This is Tom Batiuk showing us his middle finger.

    Les Moore is the worst character in the history of the world. A person who thought him up and unleashed him on the world should be ashamed of himself.

  36. Epicus Doomus

    I keep picturing Batiuk riding in the back of a big convertible like in a parade, waving to his (ha) fans with one hand while holding up a copy of “Lisa’s Story” like it’s a moon rock or something. Almost all of Act III has consisted of “LS” callbacks and whenever it doesn’t you can feel the disinterest leaping off the page. Just re-run the old cancer strips, Tom. You’ll chase us away and you’ll get to share the Greatest Story Ever Told with a whole new generation of (LOL) fans.

  37. You know what would make this storyline good? If the last strip shows Lisa bursting into laughter and saying, “Ha, I knew I could say it all without laughing! Pay up!”

  38. Given that she was the only girl in school who would go out with Less, we must conclude that Dead St. Lisa has very low standards in men!
    And how will Cayla’s unrequited love of Less supposed to be “worth it”? He spends all of his free time on some Lisa project or another, he forgot their first wedding anniversary and did NOTHING during the year to make up for it. He used the second anniversary to promise her a trip to China, and when the time came, he reneged on THAT to do yet another Lisa story. And then he suggested “someone might take her to dinner in Paris”! Don’t hold out hope for that, since he took Lisa AWAY FROM Paris to his dingy little apartment over Montoni’s.
    Maybe there’s a Montoni’s in Pari, Ohio.

  39. Rusty Shackleford

    lynn Johnston never sunk this low. Her later stuff was total crap, but Batty is worse.

  40. @Jerome Nicholson:

    Given that she was the only girl in school who would go out with Less, we must conclude that Dead St. Lisa has very low standards in men!

    Dead St. Lisa the Cancer Chew Toy of the Misdiagnosed Mammogram Who Was Cremated wound up becoming a lawyer, and yet never pursued any legal action against the hospital and doctors who screwed up her mammogram results.

    So not only did she have low standards in men (hell, she had that one-night stand with Frankie that yielded us Boy Lisa the Fair Good Grief!) she was dumber than a fucking box of rocks.

  41. @Epicus Doomus:

    I keep picturing Batiuk riding in the back of a big convertible like in a parade, waving to his (ha) fans with one hand while holding up a copy of “Lisa’s Story” like it’s a moon rock or something.

    Which, of course, is one of the three copies in stock at the Crocker Park “Barnes and Noble” that have never sold in the eight years it’s sat on the shelf.

    And has anyone noticed that he only gives puff piece softball interviews to media outlets in the Greater Cleveland market? (His recent shilling for the Ohio Channel counts, as that is partly run by WVIZ, the Cleveland PBS station.) None of the people who interview him actually read his dreck, else the interviews would never take place because they would either 1) be too disgusted at his work, or 2) ask probing questions that would outrage him and end the interview outright.

    Despite whatever public persona he displays in those interviews, Batiuk is clearly nothing more than a very shallow, bitter man who is only known for destroying the only decent property he ever had. I’m glad I’m not him.

  42. I think the guy who draws that strip where a baby craps its pants (“Arnold”? “Malcolm”?) should petition to get his strip placed right below FW. It would seem the height of hilarity then, people would be laughing tears of relief,

  43. @BeckoningChasm: Ah, you’re thinking of Marvin, by Tom Armstrong, who was the drawer of John Darling (he who was murdered), just as Chuck Ayers is the drawer of Crankshaft.

    Yup, we’re talking about a comic strip that is nothing more that a decades-long poopy-diaper joke. That and Tom Batiuk’s drawers.

  44. A HREF

    Well the comments are turned off over on Comics Kingdom. I always like reading this day in the history of Funky Winkerbean.

    On topic: See if I remember Act I correctly, Les went out with Lisa cause only an ugly loser like Lisa would go out with a sad sack loser like Les. Why is love between two people whom everyone else finds repulsive “special”.

    When one is 17 everyone thinks there love is for the ages and they are the most special couple in the world, which is imbecile. To think that you are most special in the world when you’re whatever age Les is supposed to be now is infamous. When you think that when you’re dead — it is insanity.

    HT: Stephen Maturin for “imbecile ” and “infamous”