Sands of Time

She had to go there, didn’t she? The inexorable March of Time is Cindy Summer’s own cancer, her PTSD. Her classmates back in Westview may grumble–a lot– about getting older, but they do so with smirking resignation. She has to make it the leadoff topic of your afternoon beach time with her Hollywood Actor Boyfriend. Cin: you were Most Popular in high school and went on to a career in network television news. Yeah, you got a raw deal at ABC, but if you’re so obsessed with aging, why did you pass up the opportunity to call them on their blatant age discrimination? Even given that setback, you were handed a job that allowed you to be near your boyfriend who inexplicably seems to be truly in love with you. The rest of the women in your WHS graduating class have all given up and morphed into indistinguishable slatterns (or live on in digital video!). Their “last cute decade” ended with Act I. And the only available male in Westview runs a comic book store. Quit. Whining.

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32 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

32 responses to “Sands of Time

  1. Epicus Doomus

    Bleh, same old “old Cindy” gag, nothing to see here. Seriously, is this all the character is to Batiuk now? So, so repetitious. Repetitious. So very repetitious.

  2. Guest Page Turner Author

    AGAIN, with the name following the question! Uggh! She’s been with him for days, why does she ask a question, followed by his name?????

    Dialogue coach needed here.

    And that leer on Hairy Armpits Hollywood guy with the Midwestern truckers hat: we all know what he’s thinking!

    That is, all of us except dear author, who seems to have no concept about what any human beings are actually thinking.

  3. SpacemanSpiff85

    Man, Batiuk’s portrayal of women is astounding. Either they’re constantly freaking out about being pretty enough for their man, or they’re swearing to haunt the other woman from beyond the grave if she mistreats him.

  4. The thing is, Cindy could be a likable character if she would just stop the incessant whining about how time has cheated her. Holly certainly has a whole lot more to complain about, appearance-wise, but she seems fairly content with how she is. Why is the only attractive female in the strip such a grouse? Is it because only Les can be successful and fulfilled?

  5. So many one-dimensional characters, defined by only one or a few traits.

  6. Be thankful, Cindy. Holly’s cute decades are years behind her, and Les never had any in the first place.

  7. billytheskink

    Sheesh. There were teenagers on dozens of 1990s television melodramas that looked older than these two.

  8. Rembrandt36

    And the Obvious Arc Award goes to Tom Batiuk!

  9. Uh, actually, the two guys who run Komix Korner are married! (Not to each other, I mean)!

  10. Right you are! So Westview’s only eligible male is Buddy the Service Dog.

  11. Maybe Jim Klablichnik is single. He could tell Cindy how she ages using science.

  12. Epicus Doomus

    You know, now that I think about it the only active character I can think of that’s a confirmed single adult male is Pete. There’s also Cody, but he doesn’t count. Neither does Pa Bean. Klabinchnik is a possibility, although I can’t confirm that one way or the other. Even lowly characters like Cory (Rocky) and Owen (Alex) are linked to a member of the opposite sex.

    And there aren’t many (and now that I think about it, any) active single female characters either. Summer, Keisha and that’s it. Susan was banished years ago and now Cindy is with Mason. That leaves no one else by my reckoning.

    Of course there are dozens of long-forgotten characters that might pop up at any time but as far as regularly-recurring characters are concerned, it’s a pretty barren singles scene in that town.

  13. ComicTrek

    Cindy, why so obsessed? You’re out on a beach, no Les, no Funky, no Linda, no tapes or DVDs. It’s a paradise! Sit back and relax. Talk about ice cream or sand or something. At this rate, you’re becoming a Dorian Gray.

    Wait! On second thought, that would be kind of amusing. 🙂 I can see it all now:
    “Middle-aged and “old” looking Cindy Summers, returning home from a date with her boyfriend Mason Jarr, the movie actor, takes her Pear phone and, despondent, snaps a quick selfie to remember her “last cute” looks. What happens next….will THRILL you!….”

    Sorry. Wishful thinking again.

  14. JerrytheMacGuy

    This is probably the exact conversation Demi Moore had with Ashton Kutcher just before they broke up.

  15. With so many interesting avenues the plot could explore (Cindy adapting to her new job, Mason introducing Cindy to the details of the movie industry, life in California adapting to the drought) TB decides to trot out her insecurity about what age will do to her looks. It’s been established that Mason loves Cindy. Why not show the traits that make these characters attractive to each other? Give them depth. If you’re not going to do that, then bring back the talking leaves and the school computer that likes Star Trek.

  16. The sad thing is that Batiuk probably thinks he is being accurate about how women react to things. Either we have fat drudges like Holly who’ve given up on having an identity that isn’t Mrs Someone, doormats like Cayla who’ve given up on having a backbone, dead women like Lisa who’ve given up on living or delusional idiots like Cindy who should have given up on caring about their looks to care for their man. The common thread is that he’s loaded with white male privilege and entitlement and it shows every time he wants to deride a straw woman like Cindy.

  17. Saturnino

    “Cindy, why so obsessed? You’re out on a beach, no Les, no Funky, no Linda, no tapes or DVDs. It’s a paradise! Sit back and relax. Talk about ice cream or sand or something.”

    Or maybe like where the h*ll are your straps going? Or maybe you have internal fixations for them……………

  18. Rusty

    Cindy should be in her mid-50’s based on the old strip where Batiuk has them as the class of 78 at a reunion. I’m 54 myself, nobody is “cute” at this age. They also don’t have to be a shambling wreck like Funky, but bikinis and smooth faces are only achieved with the assistance of many plastic surgeons.

    And where’s the paparazzi, if Mason truly is a known Hollywood star?

  19. This is as believable as that fifty-something in “Space Mutiny” that had a romance with Punch McRockGroin.

    Quoting the legendary Tom Servo, “She’s a sexy looking senior citizen!”

  20. You guys! You forgot tiny Kevin in your list of Westview bachelors. Sure, there would have to be a search party first, as he hasn’t been seen in decades. So:

    1. Pete Rustenheim
    2. Jim Kalashnikov
    3. Cody (honoris causis)
    4. Kevin (missing, presumed forgotten)
  21. @beckoningchasm:

    Maybe Jim Klablichnik is single. He could tell Cindy how she ages using science.

    There’s a 99.99999999999999% probability that Jim Vonnegutchnik would blame it on climate change.

  22. $$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$

    You know, Carol Vorderman (who is still sexy as hell, IMHO) is well in her mid 50’s and is in high demand. by BBC news. So is Carol Kirkwood a BBC presenter is in her mid 50’s as well.

    Is it THAT friggin hard for you in the news business, Cindy???!!

  23. Mister Miggle

    I get the feeling Cindy would rather use “last fuckable day”…y’know, because she actually left Westview. It’s more on point, but but no way in hell would you ever see that phrase in a newspaper comic.

  24. @$$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$:

    I’m pretty sure Cindy was let go from the networks because like all Westview denizens she’s not only a constant complainer dropping unfunny, smirky one-liners, she’s also bad at her job — Remember when she overheard the huge scoop that Mason Jarr was in their sleepy little town reading comic books, and instead of interviewing him like a seasoned professional, she seduced him like a starstruck groupie?

  25. @Nathan: another classic line when Cameron Mitchell, as the captain, introduces the love interest to Reb Brown: “This is my daughter, we’re about the same age.”

  26. Professor Fate

    @Nathan, @Roscoe – actually Reb Brown and Cisse Cameron are married in real life. And have been since 1979 per the infallible IMDB. Let that thought rot your mind for a bit.
    By the by, is this the first time that the age difference has been mentioned? I don’t remember it ever coming up before this. And how much older is she supposed to be than our man Mason Jarr?

  27. Jim in Wisc.

    $$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$: To make matters even more unrealistic, Cindy was fired as the anchor of ABC World News when Diane Sawyer was the anchor of that very same newscast in real life … at the age of 68. Once again, L’Auteur Glorieux is writing just “a quarter inch from reality.”

  28. @ Jim in Wisc. “just a quarter inch from reality” – proving the adage “A miss is as good as a mile.”

  29. The Dreamer

    So how come Cindy’s still a babe who looks hot in a bikini, and getting a younger movie star bf, when all the other people her exact age who she went to Westview with (her ex, Funky, Les, Holly .etc) are all old and dumpy pushing 60?

  30. If you’re wondering what ¼ inch looks like, this illustration from the Batiukopedia (sister publication of the Batiuktionary) may help:

    Batiuk's ¼ inch is a parsec long

  31. @The Dreamer. Good genes, I guess. There are a lot of TV/movie stars over 50 who may not be “cute” at their age, but certainly fuckable. Perhaps we should compile a list.
    I’ll start with Helen Mirren.

  32. Cindy has to be someone from Batiuk’s past who told him to get lost when he asked for a date. Naturally, she joined the crowd of those who he’s obsessed with getting his revenge over, in the comics.

    Recently, though, he saw her again (probably high school reunion) and noticed that she still looked pretty hot.

    Damn it, he thought. Well, that’s not going to stop me. I’ll come up with something…