The Jerks Who Irk

Link to today’s bilge.

It’s been said far too many times before.  Here are two clods given a once in a lifetime opportunity for a dream job, and all they can do is moan and bitch, bitch and moan.  The appropriate reaction from Mr. Toothpaste-Tube would be to say, “Okay, guys, we’ve had enough–if you can’t cooperate with us and produce something, if all you can do is smirk and make moronic remarks, we really don’t need you.  So get your stuff and get out.  And remember, you signed NDAs so don’t even think about posting anything online.  Prison hasn’t gotten any nicer, and don’t believe anyone who says a spell inside will build character.”  I’m sure that if Mason Jarr the Actor objected, he’d be told, “Okay, so you don’t want to be part of this franchise and want to go back to made-for-TV weepers.  That can be arranged.”  I’m sure Mason Jarr the Actor would suddenly remember what “professionalism” means.

You’d expect Pete and Darin to be interested in a title like that.  It’s no worse than a Marvel or Lucasfilm title.  It’s actually imaginative.  And, when your main claims to fame are The Amazing Mister Sponge and illustrating a Les Moore comic book, respectively, I don’t think you have the right to criticize the works of others.  Not by a long shot.

Seriously, these characters are infuriating.  Fortunately, Mr. Toothpaste-Tube is doing his voodoo mouth-twich in the last panel, and we can see both Darin and Pete withering to dust right before our eyes.

When a cartoonist is clearly tired of producing work, and would far rather day-dream about an imaginary comic-book company, it’s time for that cartoonist to seriously consider retiring.  Instead, what he does is create two characters–an “artist” and a “writer” so both jobs are represented–and give them the same disdain for work and longing for nostalgia.  I guess in the case of the characters, Bantom Comics is (or was) a real-life publisher, so at least they’re waxing nostalgic about things that actually happened.  Not that I think that’s any better; wasted effort is still wasted effort, no matter the inspiration.

The only thing of interest here is Mr. Toothpaste-Tube.  Really, that guy is just weirding me out.  He looks like Butt-head’s dad.

“Huh-huh, huh huh huh.  Producers are dumb.”

“Yeah, yeah.  Heh heh heh heh heh heh.  It’s like, they demand things of true artists.”

“Uh…what? Huh-huh, huh huh huh.”

“Ahhh…I dunno, Butt-head, you tell me.  Heh heh heh heh heh heh.”


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

23 responses to “The Jerks Who Irk

  1. Epicus Doomus

    Yes, there’s nothing like that special kind of misery that only a creative genius can feel. You know, the constant pressure from your clueless bosses, the never-ending pursuit of money, the way that creative genius is always trampled upon and stifled by the inevitable demands of the “entertainment business”…and who would know better than Tomban, what with his TWO daily strips and all. It’s all so lifelike and real, like I’m just a quarter-inch away from reality.

    BanTom has done a few arcs about how annoying comic book collectors have sucked the fun out of the hobby, yet the character in his strip who actually writes comic books is a completely joyless miserable mope who’s constantly complaining. Even DSH John is more fun than this asshole is.

  2. SpacemanSpiff85

    What the heck? They think it’s a dumb title? The main character’s name is Starbuck Jones (Battlestar Galactica character+Indiana Jones’ last name), which is about as unoriginal as you can get for a space pulp hero. If the title was something like “Starbuck Jones and the Custody Battle”, or something, I could see why they’d be angry. Seriously, “Zeton warriors” sound like the kind of thing Batiuk stays up at night thinking about. I’m almost positive he’s written a novel-length history of them already.

  3. “When a cartoonist is clearly tired of producing work, and would far rather day-dream about an imaginary comic-book company, it’s time for that cartoonist to seriously consider retiring.”

    You’re right. The additional mystery is if he’d rather be writing Starbuck Jones or The Incredible Mr. Sponge he could easily do it. The ability to publish online has changed the game. Physical print media are now ancillary – he could, if he had the inclination, publish both online. He might even find the new challenge rewarding. If he’s afraid that his drafting skills wouldn’t be up to the narratives he has in his imagination I’m sure that he could recruit a talented intern from Kent State.

  4. Rembrandt36

    These two bastards are boiling my blood. I am both a filmmaker and an artist – and while I have my ups and downs – I would be prostrate on the floor thanking God for the opportunity that these asshats have been given. TomBat needs to give up the ghost and retire.

  5. SpacemanSpiff85

    Probably what pisses me off the most about these storylines is that they’re nothing but griping. Nobody has ever offered a good alternative. They just whine and moan about how bad Hollywood is and how nobody understands them. I guarantee these two losers aren’t going to talk about what a Starbuck Jones movie should be like, they’ll just daydream about how things were back in old timey comic days. And Les never mentioned how he thought the Lisa movie should be made, he just imagined himself being hung by cowboys and shot by the jealous lover of the actress playing his dead wife.

  6. billytheskink

    Whatever struck Funky during the time jump appears to have gotten to Pete and Durwood there in panel 3. Maybe they drank from the wrong grail.

  7. It’s hard to tell if he’s doing this on purpose to anger the online readership or if he honestly believes that it’s a horror too bleak to know to be given a job most real people would kill for.

  8. Saturnino

    If the title was something like “Starbuck Jones and the Custody Battle”………..

    It would actually be a story “that depicts contemporary issues affecting young adults in a thought-provoking and sensitive manner”

  9. Chyron HR

    Executive: The new movie is “Starbuck Jones vs. the Killer Shark…”
    Derps: BOOOOO!
    Executive: …Issues!
    Derps: YAY!

  10. Rusty Shackleford

    Meh, too bored to complain. Gonna go see if a new Bloom County is out.

  11. Rusty

    Starbuck Jones and the Drinking Problem

    Starbuck Jones and his Father, John Darling, who was Murdered

    Starbuck Jones and the Mediocre Pizza Place

    Starbuck Jones and the Retconned Date Rape

    Starbuck Jones and the One-Armed Bandit

    Starbuck Jones and the Band Director Who Wouldn’t Die

  12. “It’s titled ‘Starbuck Jones and the Rise of the Zeton Warriors.'”
    “What’s it about?”
    “I just told you.”

    That’s how any reasonable person would interpret the boss’ reply, as sarcastic snark. But Darin and Pete simply see it as proof of his cluelessness.

  13. HeyItsDave

    The only explanation I can come up with for these shitty arcs about artists not wanting to do their job is the residual resentment T-Bats still holds against – what was it? Marvel? – for rejecting his Super SpongeBob scrawls when he was a kid.

    Thing is, Bats really doesn’t have the art chops needed for a classic comic book. Check out his blog and look at the roughs he’s done for his fantasy Mr. Sponge covers. They’re total shit. He always hires a REAL comic book artist to do the actual finished work.

  14. FW: Who exactly is the blackshirt dude? He’s way too slimy to be the producer or director, so I’ll assume he’s a generic studio lackey? Why do they send him around to deliver news in person instead of phone calls and/or e-mails??

    FW 2: Oh, wow… Maybe if you clowns actually knew your subject matter, you’d quickly identify some well-known canon stories about these Zeton warriors and just adapt that comic series to the screen? I mean, how hard is it?

    FW 3: I’d said from the start if Pete Rattabastardo couldn’t handle the daily stresses of working for a comics publisher, Hollywood would kill him… He’s already turning into Pruneface.

    FW 4: Why the hell would Darrin wince about this? Why is he even there all day? As a storyboarder his job should be pretty brief, and there will be no reason whatsoever to storyboard the sequel script until it’s had final approval…

    FW 5: Just a quick reminder, this movie project is two years overdue and $350 million over budget (and counting)… At what point does the studio file for bankruptcy?

    FW 6– How this strip would have worked in the Bizarro world Funkyverse:
    “Really? The studio wants ME to write the script to the sequel? I’ll have FULL autonomy and SOLE writing credit? OHMYGOWD THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE! A DREAM COME TRUE! I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST HEARD!! Tell the studio execs they made the right choice! Send their initial contract offer to my attorney, and we’ll hammer out the details next week! I promise you they won’t be disappointed! This script will get my best 110% efforts and I’ll make the legions of Starbuck fanbois out there proud!”


    “What;’s it about?” It’s a fucking Starbucks Jone’s movie? Did you think we were writing a Jane Austen novel, here? It’s a by the numbers summer blockbuster. Anybody could write this. Which should make pornstache over there consider whether they need these two whiny idiots to write it.

  16. Professor Fate

    So okay as a writer you are given a title and nothing else – not a unique situation in Hollywood – so unless the Zeton Warriors are part of the comic’s history (and you should know that) here you have been given a blank slate allowing you to exercise your creativity to the max – of course that could be a bid scary and daunting but I hardly think you’d emotional response would be to be annoyed by this. Unless you’re a total whiney putz.

  17. SpacemanSpiff85

    I was just skimming through Batiuk’s blog and thought this was pretty funny.
    Her [Susan’s] backstory can be found in the book Funky Winkerbean: Could be a Book Deal Here, which can be found here and there on the net, but not necessarily in bookstores, go figure.
    Gosh, wonder why bookstores aren’t carrying Batiuk’s book eight years after it was released? Could it be maybe that it wasn’t selling? Naw, probably not, it’s because of those greedy, amoral morons.

  18. SpacemanSpiff85

    Also, this gem:
    If you love comic books, or know someone who does (I’m speaking mainly to the wives here) (and, yes, I understand that that’s a broad generalization, no pun intended, but based on who I see in the Halo sewing bee at my local comics shop, generally a true one methinks) (and might I add as I approach the new world’s record for consecutive parenthetical breaks, political correctness really stinks).
    Only guys like comics. You might think that’s a generalization, but it’s true, because the teenagers I see at the one store I go to are guys. I wish we didn’t even have to acknowledge women.
    What’s funnier about that, is that back in the golden days of comics that Batiuk loves, I’m pretty sure more girls read comics than do now. Romance comics were a huge, huge thing for a while, as were titles like Archie and Casper that appealed to girls more than things like “Starbuck Jones” would have.

  19. I notice the banner now has, instead of the amazing Hypercolor Hair Twins, uh, I guess the head of Jacob Marley. “EBENEZER BATIUUUUUUUK!”

  20. HeyItsDave

    I’m guessing that banner shows Durwood either:

    A) Finding out that Mr. Black T-Shirt is the guy who actually draws/publishes/owns the rights to Starbuck Jones [choose your favorite.]
    B) Reacting to a phone call from a remote county sheriff’s department that the U-Maul van Jessica & The Sprog were traveling in has been found abandoned on a Rocky Mountain trail road, all the belongings scattered about, and no trace of the occupants except some blood stains on the upholstery.

  21. I thought the header was Mason after the facelift failed and he turned into the son of (stuck) Funky…

  22. Charles

    Probably what pisses me off the most about these storylines is that they’re nothing but griping.

    If it’s not that, it’s gotta be that rather than telling a story about what happens with these two goofs, it inevitably leads to a bogus, turgid flashback about how these dopes thought things were like in the old days.

    Batiuk also doesn’t seem to understand how precarious the job situation is for these idiots. Seriously, what have Pete and Darrin done that has given them such solid job security that they can bitch and moan whenever they’re asked to do something? Pete was hired because the star decided to do a favor for his girlfriend, who’s doing a favor for a friend of hers, who’s doing a favor for his wife’s son, who’s doing a favor for Pete. Cindy doesn’t even know Pete, for Christ’s sake. And Darrin got his job as a favor from Pete, at the end of that previous ridiculous favor chain. When somebody in any management capacity asks these guys to do something, they should be happily falling all over themselves to comply.

  23. In panel 3, I immediately recognize Moe, but I don’t know who the other two stooges are.