Hackian Puerile

Link to today’s strip

Wow, the Starbuck Jones mythology is really starting to take shape, isn’t it? At this rate, in just a few more decades we’ll finally learn who the co-stars were! I like how he added the silhouette heads, it gives the panels that authentic “at the movies” feel you look for in a comic strip arc about five imbeciles who flew across the country to see a movie with title credits drawn by a small and possibly vision-impaired child. Gotta give the BanMan credit, he really capitalized on this opportunity to piledrive another bad pun into the ground by repeating it endlessly until you’d rather take a staple gun to your eyeballs than have to ever read it again. And the detail he puts into making these vivid fantasy-scapes of his as boring as possible is just amazing to behold.

What’s next, a trip to Galveston to see the last surviving copy of the XXX-rated “Starsuck Bones”, starring Rock Hardman and Scarlett O’Letters? Or the short-lived early-eighties TV adaptation starring Adrian Zmed & Loni Anderson which survives on VHS tape in a museum in Secaucus? Or maybe they could pool their resources and find every last copy of SJ and have a complete collection and…oh, scratch that one. It’s been done and it wasn’t worth it. At all.

And why is this a three panel strip? Who is “Vera Nash”? PLEASE don’t tell me she’s another Crankshaft character…please?

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23 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

23 responses to “Hackian Puerile

  1. SpacemanSpiff85

    Wow, this is dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. I guarantee even that FunkyFan weirdo who used to be on ComicsKingdom would agree with me on that.

  2. SpacemanSpiff85

    I mean seriously, there is zero information here that wasn’t in the strip on the poster yesterday. It just shows that yes, they did make it into the theater to watch the movie, and you can tell who’s sitting where. Although I’m confused why Pete’s sitting next to Mason instead of Darin.

  3. Thanks, Epicus. You gave me three laughs, exacting three more laughs than this strip. All week.

  4. Who is “Vera Nash”? PLEASE don’t tell me she’s another Crankshaft character…please?

    She does look familiar, doesn’t she?

  5. SpacemanSpiff85

    @TFHackett: Apparently we now know what Batiuk considers hot.

  6. Damn, and the reboot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 was showing such promise, too…

  7. billytheskink

    I like how the silhouettes can be connected between the panels. So does this mean the audience is rolling past the screen on a conveyor belt or is this a really weird title card that includes the title and the two leads on screen at the same time?

    Anyways, I’m pretty sure my uncle takes Xaxian for his acid reflux.

  8. Well, Jupiter Moon wasn’t portrayed by Dame Zelindi Stress, so there’s that.

  9. Rusty

    I’m just wondering how one would pronounce Xaxian.

  10. SpacemanSpiff85

    If anyone’s curious, those two girls from Crankshaft who are in high school a few weeks ago are in today’s Crankshaft. Which is explicitly said to be taking place in 2016.
    How can Batiuk constantly be trying to tie this two strips together without realizing how much that just highlights his crappy writing?

  11. Oh, goody. He doesn’t know how film titles work. This meshes nicely with his not realizing how time works.

  12. @SpacemanSpiff85-

    I just noticed that, too. And the “time pool reunion” in Funky last fall was set in 2015. So the agreed ten-year time jump actually occurred overnight in Westview. I assume The Author will protest that this alleged discrepancy is “called writing”. He just forgot to tell his readers that another effect of living in the town is that all of its residents suffer from a form of progeria (except Cyndi, apparently).

  13. Judging by the perspective here, and the gaze directions for each, this must be a cinerama film and screen. Must have been quite a find for the theater, to land that type of vintage projection gear.

  14. So apparently a Starbuck Jones movie (series?) was actually a thing in the Funkiverse? And this is the first time that any of the actors or writers who are working on the film reboot are seeing it? And I seem to recall a few (long) months ago the Jupiter Moon character was brought up as a “new” character in the movie who was introduced to add spice to the story after they were deep into production and we learn now that she’s been part of the cast all along. Oh, and there really isn’t a time gap between FW and Crankshaft, except when there is.

  15. HeyItsDave

    Are they keeping Cliff Anger’s head alive in a bell jar like on Futurama?

    As for the temporal continuity between What’s His Name The Bus Driver and Funky Winkerbean:

    …which is pretty much T-Bats’ attitude as well, as far as I can see. I can’t get all riled up over the abject crappiness of his writing or his ability to maintain continuity because I’ve already accepted that he sets the bar so low for himself he trips over it more often than he clears it. To paraphrase the old song, “He is more to be pitied than censured.”

  16. Rusty Shackleford

    @dave

    What baffles me is how is still gets paid to churn out this crap day after day.

    Why doesn’t he just produce his own comic book already?

  17. There’s just one thing I don’t understand. Why are they starving Cliff Anger?

  18. None of this makes any sense, of course. But I’m curious why Pete is even there.

    If Pete was hired because he’s got comic book experience, that’s stupid. If he was hired because he’s an expert on Starbuck Jones, then he has clearly shown he has no such expertise. He should already know about this movie and should have already seen it.

    Not to mention that if the buzz on the new movie is as hot as everyone says, this old movie would have been made available on DVD to increase that buzz. Instead it’s old and forgotten and only runs in second-rate movie houses in the middle of nowhere.

  19. HeyItsDave

    @Rusty – Having a newspaper comic strip is a pretty exclusive club. Once an artist gets in, they usually don’t want to give up their spot. Newspaper readers are also, generally, old people who don’t like change. They like to see the same familiar strips in the familiar place. That’s why ancient turds like Momma and zombie strips like Peanuts are still running even though their creators are long out of original ideas…or dead.

    T-Bats doesn’t have to try hard to stay on the Funny Pages, all he has to do is make sure there’s some ink on bristol every day. He could draw a daily picture of Funky and Les comparing their ass cheeks and as long as the strips got delivered to the syndicate on time, they’d still get printed and he’d still get a paycheck. There’s no incentive to try.

    So…why DOESN’T he leverage his real estate on the comic pages for a Starbuck Jones strip, or call in some favors to get a SJ book in print? That’s easier: quite simply, he ain’t got the chops for it. He wants to be able to produce a classic-comic style book, but he really can’t draw that well (page through his blog and have a look. None of his “Batom” fantasy covers are his own work – he might come up with the concepts, but the final piece is always by a “guest artist.”) And every time he comes up with an idea, he shoots himself in the ass with the stupid punny names, ridiculous continuity lapses, and half-developed story lines.

  20. Rusty Shackleford

    Good stuff there Dave. I wish you were drawing FW instead of Batty.

    And you are correct, Batty knows it’s easier to talk about comic books than to actually create one.

  21. The Dreamer

    Seriously though, how does Darin in a few short months go from being an assistant manager at Montoni’s Pizza to writing a $150 million big budget hollywood superhero movie and his sequel? Neither he nor Pete have ever written any screenplays before! They wouldn’t have even qualified to get their WGA union cards to be allowed to work on these movies!