Hey You Two, Get A Room

Link to today’s strip


There’s been an awful lot of very peculiar hand action going on in this strip lately, hasn’t there? Now I’m not going to speculate too much on what’s going on here. Perhaps the infamous Centerville Groper has finally been paroled. Perhaps they’re just very much in love. Or perhaps the tall guy is a new pickpocket who’s just starting out. It’s, uh…quite awkward though.

Then we have that other guy’s wildly uneven legs. Was his gym built on a steep hill? Shark bite? It’s not just strange how one’s way bigger than the other, it’s that the one on the right goes straight down with no curvature at all. And that neck on the person in front of him…gak, what the hell happened there?

So the entire mid-central Ohio area solved the stupid SJ puzzle and are now excitedly queuing up to finally get a glimpse of the guy who was sitting around doing nothing for the last sixty years. Suddenly the SJ serials of the 1950s have become more than just some forgotten old crappy movies, they’re the literal cornerstone of the nostalgic childhood memories of people who weren’t even born when they were released. Incredible.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

29 responses to “Hey You Two, Get A Room

  1. spacemanspiff85

    It’s strange that Pam is going with Funky and not Jeff, but I can’t really blame her for not wanting to be around him anymore than she has to.

  2. I think the guy with one and a half legs is due to a coloring gaffe: the pants of the guy behind him and to his right are the same color as the background. However, I have no explanation as to why Jeff’s shoulder harness appears to be anchored to the car’s windshield.

  3. What this indicates is that there is a huge fanbase for the original Starbuck Jones. Everyone apparently paid those dimes every Friday and they’ve never forgotten the man.

    So, why was he sitting in a dingy apartment doing nothing for sixty years? Why wasn’t he hitting the convention circuit? ComiCon, WorldCon, all those big events would welcome someone like him with open arms, and he could make a nice living signing autographs and his career would still be going. It wouldn’t be Mason, it would be the studio offering him a cameo because it would boost the film.

    So what happened?

    I think what happened is that the only true achievement in the Funkyverse is self-pity. Money, fame, power, a place in history–if you have those, you’re just proving you’re a shallow, hollow man who denigrates true artists by succeeding via the lowest common denominator.

    If you’re successful and popular, well, you certainly can’t feel sorry for yourself, and you definitely can’t feel that you and your product are just so superior that the bumbling masses can never, ever appreciate you.

    Of course, after you’ve suffered for sixty years, then you are allowed a modicum of success and the chance to bask in acclaim. Before your fatal heart attack ten days later, of course.

  4. billytheskink

    Gah! It’s the Great Wall of Batiukbutt!
    Had the Ming Dynasty built such a wall, they likely would have repelled the Mongol hordes with ease.

    Dig the jaw on the guy in the traveling green shirt, though. Looks like he could swallow Jff’s Batiukmobile whole…

  5. Epicus Doomus

    BC: Yes! WHAT HAPPENED??? It’s never even been mentioned in passing, nothing whatsoever. He was Starbuck Jones, he retired to NYC and now he’s back. That’s the extent of what we know about the last sixty-five to seventy years of Cliff Anger’s life.

    All of that hullabaloo about “finding” Cliff Anger, all so he could be a mere prop in yet another idiotic 1950s comic book pop culture-wallowing arc about the ol’ Saturday matinees he loved so much as a kid. We’ll learn nothing more about Anger either, from here on out it’ll be all just “gee whiz Cliff I sure did love those old SJ serial films you used to do, golly gee!” and nothing else.

  6. Epicus – indeed. It’s like imagining that William Shatner just disappeared completely when Star Trek was cancelled, and reappeared only forty years later in a cameo in the 2009 reboot. Or worse, the “Into Darkness” thing. Gah. They would have given him Peter Weller’s role.

  7. So, a crowd of pathetic-looking, aged-before-their-time losers who had nothing better to do but decode a cryptogram in the classified ads using old promotional trinkets from their childhoods. Yep, that’s the Funkyverse perception of geek culture in a nutshell.

  8. Rusty

    This is so fucking stupid.

  9. Gerard Plourde

    And the Neverending Retcon continues=

    We’ve moved from Starbuck Jones being the imprint of an obscure defunct Ohio publisher to it having led to a forgotten serial that ruined the career of its star (apparently through typecasting) to it being sufficiently successful that it merited a relaunch as a movie to now being informed that the original serial was so well=known and popular that a mass of fans can congregate on short notice to attend a meet-and-greet with the original actor.

    A story written by a ten-year-old would maintain better consistency.

  10. Lord Flatulence

    It’s not June 12th yet.

  11. Here, more nitwits wallowing in Batiuk’s threadbare childhood. On Crankshaft, a reminder that Les always needed to have his head punched clean off for being a pompous dick.

  12. Jimmy

    It seems Susan Smith (to the left of the guy who loves calf workouts) is a big SJ fan.

  13. Rusty Shackleford

    In Batty’s dreams….

  14. Rusty Shackleford

    And wow, the Sliver Grill(e)! They have one of those in Cleveland.

  15. Rusty Shackleford

    My apologies to Batty, I just read online that Akron wants to become the nerd capital of the world. This comic crap will do well there. I picture a huge Les Moore statue welcoming you on approach to the city. It could be right on the Y bridge with Les’ arm pointing down towards Montoni’s, er, Luigi’s.

  16. sgtsaunders

    Since when did Montoni’s become The Silver Grill?

  17. 1. What the hell is going on in Crankshaft? I thought the time gap was 10 years, but that looks like Les from 20 years ago? Why even bother to advance time in the Crankshaftverse? Wouldn’t it be better to just have it eternally be 1988 or whatever??

    2. Does Jeff even know there’s a $200 million Starbuck Jones movie being filmed this very moment? Did he really think the studio would organize one of these “pre-release buzz” events to not have a big turnout??

    3. How is Batiuk this dense about something that is supposed to be his lifeblood, which is comic book fanboyism?? We just had ComiCon here last month – Yeah, there were plenty of 40+ folks in costume, but most of them brought their kids, teenagers, and in some cases grandchildren with them… Comics survive not because some mooks kept a decoder ring for all these years, but because YOUNGER GENERATIONS PICK UP THE TORCH… It’s just very telling that the only people under the age of 50 who are even talking about the SJ movie are the people who are actually working on production… And it doesn’t bode well for the box-office that only the 50+ crowd seems to have the slightest interest in SJ…

  18. @Epicus Doomus: As others have mentioned, for all this attention love that Anger is getting, it’s pathetic that nobody even gave a shit about trying to even look up the 1950s Jupiter Moon… Not about giving her a cameo role (since a 75-year-old dude is fine, but nobody wants to see a 75-year-old woman on screen), but just to find her for the sake of finding her since, you know, she made all those damned movies too…

    Of course I have no doubt that Batiuk simply made her deceased in the intervening years…

  19. @Jimmy: Thanks for reminding me of an interesting character that hasn’t appeared at five years. Whatever she’s doing now would be more interesting than what’s happening now.

  20. @Hitorque: If you have explanation for how Les looks in CRANKSHAFT, please send it to Batiuk. He probably needs it.

  21. Wait till tomorrow when it’s reveal that the only reason for the big crowd is because Donald Trump is there.

  22. Ray

    @Rusty…your knowledge of the layout of Akron is commendable. Are you sure Les wouldn’t be pointing the way to the Innerbelt, for the last sighting of Summer & Keshia?

  23. billytheskink

    I only caught a glance of today’s Crankshaft in my morning paper before a rip in space-time opened up and swallowed the entire comics section.

  24. Professor Fate

    Que the sad trombone. Still this change in Starbuck Jones from an obscure comic published right after the comics code took effect to a world wide multi media titan – with at least one movie – one can assume we will hear about more films and even tv and radio is staggering. It’s almost as if reality is being warped on a daily basis al la Dark City.
    Meantime how long before someone force feeds Les one of the books (and didn’t he lose the MS to this at one point?)

  25. ComicBookHarriet

    As a huge Transformers fan, as well as a pretty big fan of the TV western Bonanza, it is crazy how many people can get together to enjoy passionate love of fairly obscure things, and gush over voice actors that had bit parts in shows from 30 years ago. However I totally call BS on trying to smash Decoder Rings from the 40’s/50’s and black and white serials from the 30’s into the pop culture history of children that should have grown up in the 60’s/70’s.

    @hitorque, I too recently went to convention, and it was awesome seeing entire families. Parents, kids, grandparents, in costume. In many cases even the parents were too young to remember when their particular area of interest was launched. Nothing like seeing a six year old dressed like TOS Spock.


    Considering how much of a zealot Jeff has become over Starbucks Jones…perhaps Rose WAS doing the right thing. Rose understood that Starbucks Jones was shit and was merely hoping to save young Jeff’s sensibilities from the utter suckitude that is Tom Batiuk created Superheroes.


    Is Batiuk trying to turn Crankshaft into Classic Funky Winkerbean or something? I..actually would approve of this if that’s his intention.

  28. Rusty Shackleford


    Ha! Good one. Well we can have Les point to both locations.

    I was a Mr Bilbos regular. i still miss that place.

  29. Ray

    Mr Bilbos, I remember the place, but had never been inside as I was too young at the time and then moved away. And sadly, when I came back to the area it was closed. Been in the Lockview a few times, but from what I’ve heard, its nowhere near the same. A lot of things about downtown aren’t the same, but some for the better.