O Hai Tom Batiuk

Christmas comes early for us human mosquitoes in the form of a “tip of the Funky felt tip” from Thee Author Himself! Well, it’s more like he’s giving us the finger. Hunky blond lunk Mason suddenly gets high and mighty in true McCarthy-era Cliff Anger style when faced with rumors on “the message boards”involving him and Marianne. By the way, Mason uses the word “advisedly” advisedly. The real kicker though is his use of the phrase “chew toy”, which is the moniker applied by human mosquitoes to St. Lisa during her Pulitzer campaign.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

25 responses to “O Hai Tom Batiuk

  1. Epicus Doomus

    If one dislikes being chewed perhaps one should refrain from being so goddamned chewy. Much like Mason, AuthorGuy would prefer to go about his business in total anonymity and would prefer to accept publicity on HIS terms. But unfortunately for him The Internet is here to stay which means that gossip hounds will continue to badger movie stars and people who hate a particular piece of pop culture will have a platform to dissect and critique that piece of pop culture if they so choose. So swat away but remember this: do a good and or funny comic strip on a regular basis and this all goes away.

  2. spacemanspiff85

    The word is “mansquito”. It was a very disappointing Sci-Fi Original Movie.

  3. billytheskink

    Awwwww, and I was starting to think TB didn’t care about us anymore.

    “There’s nothing going on…”
    That’s obvious to those of us who read this strip and are privy to Mason’s complete lack of romantic competency and his utter inability to tell when women are throwing themselves at him (remember his ambivelance to Cindy’s blatant advances when they first met?)

    In the Batiukverse, however, it has been established that Marianne has a reputation for wooing her co-stars. It has been established that Mason knows this, because Cindy told him this practically verbatim. It has been established that Cindy is terrifyingly concerned that Marianne will steal Mason from her. It has been established that Mason is aware of this, because Cindy has discussed it with him in too many strips to count. These are established FACTS in the in-strip universe of Funky Winkerbean.

    Given these in-universe facts, we can conclude that the internet’s human mosquitoes’ inference that something is “going on” between Mason and Marianne is fairly reasonable. We can also conclude that, by taking a trip to meet Marianne’s mother without taking or telling Cindy, Mason did something incredibly stupid. He doesn’t have to care that the message boards are aflame with their new chew toy that isn’t him, but he cannot deny being largely responsible for all of this. He probably will, though, because he’s a self-serious artist who did something he should know has the potential to be controversial and then refused to take the ensuing criticism. Mason may be TB’s most fitting author avatar yet…

  4. Epicus Doomus

    “Mason! Footage of what you were just doing is already all over the internet! How is this possible?”

    “Bah! The internet is for losers and bad apples!”

    “But aren’t you concerned or alarmed or anything?”


    I love how Mason is furious at the entire internet and not at the person who’s quite obviously stalking him, right now. He enters a room, discovers that what he was just doing is already worldwide news and his first reaction is to snidely dismiss the entire internet with total disdain, like the footage taken of him just barely a few hours before was merely the work of some online nerd with too much free time and not a potential threat of any kind. I also like how he assumed he’d be totally incognito while tooling around in a convertible in Hollywood with his co-star. That town is gonna eat him alive.

  5. I advisedly advise BanTom to hire an editor, or at least buy a dictionary.

  6. He’s got what Jan Wong called ‘celebrityitis’: a debilitating condition in which he thinks he can operate in a public space while also being immune from public scrutiny. This is also called ‘being full of shit.’

    That being said, what he’s not full of shit about is gender politics in the entertainment industry. Of course, MArianne would be getting it in the neck because the world is loaded with dim-brained misogynists like Tom Batiuk.

  7. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    Aaargh! Annoying, asinine alliteration again and again and again…

    Greetings, fellow human mosquitoes. I think (advisedly) that commenting on FW makes us more like human dung beetles.

  8. Saturnino

    “Greetings, fellow human mosquitoes. I think (advisedly) that commenting on FW makes us more like human dung beetles.”

    At least that makes us something.

    Bathack could not inspire flies to land on a rancid piece of meat.

  9. Rusty Shackleford

    It was mentioned the other day that Batty sees everything in terms of a teacher-student relationship. He is the teacher bestowing his infinite wisdom on us and how dare we question him.

    I will point out that cartooning, once you get accepted by the syndicate, is similar to the tenure system.

  10. I myself have never heard the term human mosquitos in film, literature or real life. Blood suckers has always sufficed, and yes it’s a cliche, but not a dumb one. Somebody thinks he’s a very clever lad today.

  11. 1. Any remotely competent director would have walked off this project by now, having suffered through shooting with no apparent script, his “star” constantly changing the story, characters, location, budget, schedule, etc.

    2. Isn’t dealing with publicity the producer’s job, not the director’s?

    3. “Who’s making Masoné Jar-Jarré a chew toy? You are, yes you are! Good boy, Internet!!” We can only hope that Buddy the PTSD Wonder Dog will appear and make chew toys of Masoné and Mariann for real.

  12. One of the axioms of Hollywood is that there is no such thing as bad publicity. They would normally need to pay lots of money to attract that kind of attention to their half-assed movie. That director-guy should be shaking Masone’s hand, not castigating him.

  13. sgtsaunders

    Again with the chew toy bit. The only thing that chews here is the storyline, Buster.

  14. A bitter man who threw away his talent insults me–and I don’t feel insulted at all.


    If we are mosquitoes, I hope we have spread literary malaria to Herr Autor. Though judging by his writing he appears to suffer from it already.

    Also may I suggest the mosquito be SOSF official mascot.

  16. @Rusty Shackleford:

    Yeah. He does remind me of every inept buffoon teacher I ever made fun of behind his back at that.

  17. Ohmyfuckinggod… Where should I even start? (Takes deep breath)

    PROLOGUE: Before I begin, can anyone confirm that this isn’t a recycled/adapted plot from the past? Because that’s the only way this makes any sense: Director boy = Principal, DMZ tabloid guy = Photographer at the school paper, Masone = Teacher/Coach, and Marianne = Star player/pupil who needed a ride home after school/practice and gave her teacher/coach an ‘innocent’ peck on the cheek and generated a fake scandal… Because this is the ONLY way it seems possible for the author to create an A-list Hollywood starlet who still lives with mom and has to bum a ride to and from the studio…

    1. Batiuk isn’t really trying to make a parallel between the celebrity commentariat on the internet and the Red Scare, is he?? Is he really going there? Ironically, a compelling parallel could be easily made, but the Funkyverse isn’t deep enough, and TB has neither the narrative skill nor boldness to properly make it…

    2. As I and others have said, the director should give less than a shit about this, much less read the riot act to the star who *clearly* has infinitely more clout with the studio execs than he has…

    3. “human mosquitoes?” “advisedly?” Exactly when the fuck did Masone grow a ballsack, an attitude, and a vocabulary?? He’s long been established as a shallow, barely literate stereotypical Hollywood manchild pinhead who pisses his pants at table reads, and thinks comic books count as “heavy reading”…

    4. Just want to remind folks that the last major Masone side-plot involved a huge debate over whether adding an ‘E’ on his name would make him a ‘serious actor’ in the eyes of the Academy…

    5. As an aside, is “human mosquitoes” the worst editor-friendly epithet TB can come up with??

    6. Um, yeah… Seriously… Message boards are almost always slower than social media, and it’s not like Director Boy took the time to read more than one or two, so just let him say “Twitter” or “reddit” instead…

    7. What the fuck does it matter what “the internet” is saying, since this would be celebrity tabloid news even before the internet era… And what the fuck does it matter that Marianne is getting all the homewrecker criticism instead of Masone? For Hollywood actors, they seem to spend precious little time in the public eye…

    8. I guess in Batuik’s world “the internet” has three sites: ebay, 4chan and the ass-end parts of reddit… Does he honestly think he’ll win a battle with “the internet”, or is he just trolling us for mouse clicks?

    9. So if Masone is this dismissive of what people think, what happens when he runs into Cindy (remember her)?

    10. Is Masone really this fucking stupid, or oblivious, or both? The sanity of his fiancée was already on shaky ground, and she just delivered the most recent of her jealous paranoid bitch tantrums one hour ago in front of the whole cast and crew… He *HAD* to have fucking known that eyes are on him at all times, and even with the best of intentions, his little walk-and-talk and driving home of his co-star would look improper…

    11. I like how Masone hasn’t even bothered to think about how that photo came about, who took it, and who was tailgating him through 45 minutes of L.A. traffic…

    12. Exactly how the hell does the celebrity media work in the Funkyverse? After getting the SJ role, Masone flies to small-town Ohio just to read comic books in some old lady’s bedroom (Not news), he starts dating and becomes engaged to a nationally known news anchor (Not news), he strolls around Manhattan with that same news anchor (who was an institution in New York) trying to track down Cliffe Angere (Not news, and he is not recognized in public), He hires a scriptwriter and storyboarder for a $200 million movie project with no experience and sight unseen, with the only reference (which she overheard secondhand) coming from the woman he’s fucking (Not news), He goes to a restored retro vintage theater in smalltown Ohio to watch an original SJ movie (Not news, and he is not recognized in public), He has a big meet-and-greet in Cleveland with a bunch of middle-aged losers who never grew up, complete with ovaltine and PB+J sandwiches instead of REAL food (Not news), A FUCKING WAYWARD SCHOOL BUS FULL OF TEENS CRASHES THE MOVIE SET (Not news), he adds an ‘E’ to his name for the most bullshit of reasons (Not news), But somehow Cliffe+Vera getting together after 64 years is HUGE news, along with Masone getting a peck on the cheek…

    13. It’s not too late for TB to kill that bullshit “Marianne always seduces her male co-stars” talking point that Cindy discovered on the internet (Note that “the internet” is a GOOD thing when it serves a character’s agenda or helps deliver pizzas faster)… Not only is it horribly sexist, it’s a practical impossibility and that ride home was the lamest, most G-rated attempt at ‘seduction’ I’ve ever seen… Nevermind the fact that “sleeping your way to stardom” accusations haunt real-life actresses long after they’ve been debunked…

    14. (exhales)… I’m not even done, either — But I’m afraid real-life work must now take center stage so I’ll stop here.

  18. Gerard Plourde

    Hitorque’s detailed analysis combined with everyone else’s comments pretty much sum up what’s wrong here. I do wonder what Batty’s use of the outdated term “message board” rather than “web site” indicates.

  19. Professor Fate

    Rather nice to know that some comments about the author have left a mark. Well done I say well done.

  20. @Professor Fate: Actually, instead of lashing out at us, I really hope against hope that TB will step his fucking game up along with some other notorious legacy cartoonists who are just running out the clock… Because there are still some people who kinda-sorta remember the time when FW used to suck a lot less…

  21. @Hannibal’s Lectern:

    1. Why would ANY director leave this project, since according to Funkyverse logic he’s still getting paychecks no matter what, the project clearly has an unlimited budget, no artistic/editorial controls (not even from the authors of the source material), he could theoretically get any buddies put on the payroll with Masone’s approval no questions asked, TWO sequels have already been greenlighted ‘Matrix’-style, and there’s no deadline pressure from the boys upstairs… Even the biggest, most wasteful defense contractors in D.C. are jealous of how juicy this hustle is…

    2. I’m pretty sure Masone is the executive producer, because he’s certainly been acting like one without anyone asking why…

  22. @Hitorque – This current plot is very similar, as I recall, to the plot a few years ago with Less and Susan Smith, where they were in a classroom and she was giving him a thank-you kiss or something (against his will), and a student happened to snap a photo through the door window with their cell phone, which of course went viral and got back to the Principal, resulting in Susan Smith losing her job and slinking off into the sunset or something.

  23. Jimmy

    I know it’s been mentioned before, but do these people just hate publicity? Handle it with a wink and a nod. PR is an integral part of the promotional mix.

    Does anyone seriously think it’s coincidence that Carrie Fisher reveals her affair with Harrison Ford a month before the new Star Wars movie?

  24. Montonis gave me food poisoning

    deliberately and after consideration (used especially of what might appear a mistake or oversight)

    So rather than use “think” ironically or for comic effect, he is using it deliberately and after much thought.