The Old Derby Got It Bad ‘Cause It’s Brown

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Ugh, it’s BatNard at his worst…wallowing in stupid old pop culture nostalgia via two annoying characters absolutely no one gives half a rat’s ass about. He obviously thinks this trite pandering nonsense is “cute”, but actually it’s just nauseatingly stupid…at best. The romance of the century, featuring two imbeciles who wasted six decades of their lives on…well, we have no idea. Now the two fossilized lovebirds are off to the hottest Hollywood eatery of the 1950s, the legendary Brown Derby, where perhaps they’ll catch a glimpse of Bing Crosby or Desi Arnaz while they’re gumming their tapioca and urging their waitress to please turn up the heat. Maybe tomorrow they’ll cruise the Sunset Strip in Cliff’s Edsel and catch the early-bird before heading out to see the Tommy Dorsey Band. Or barring that perhaps they’ll explain why their undying love for one another took a sixty year hiatus until two irritating busybodies brought them back together, but given how that would actually fill in the narrative gap (canyon), I seriously doubt it.

And sorry about that title but I can only work with what he gives me.




Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

24 responses to “The Old Derby Got It Bad ‘Cause It’s Brown

  1. billytheskink

    And yet another restaurant that is about to be at least two customers busier than Montoni’s…

  2. spacemanspiff85

    So why was yesterday all about them saying goodbye to each other, if today they’re right back together?
    And I’m starting to wonder if Batiuk is taking money from the Hollywood visitors bureau to boost tourism. Or, given how lame his writing is, from a rival city trying to make it look bad.

  3. DOlz

    He could have at least labeled the building “The Kirwood Derby”.

  4. Gerard Plourde

    He does know that The Brown Derby closed, doesn’t he? And that its last didn’t look like a derby.


    Yeah, I bet Cliff would love to give Vera a brown derby. If you know what I mean.. Heh, heh, heh. …Oh, dear god. What am I saying???!!! Can we end these old people sex-capades already!!! I promise, Batiuk!! I will actually buy Lisa’s Story!!!


    Crankshaft — Gee. It almost sounds as if running a old style dilapidated movie theater is impractical. You almost kind of think that adding modern digital technology might make your job..I dunno….EASIER!!! Or maybe showing more modern fare might make you more money so you could….HIRE EXTRA HELP!!!!

  7. Jim in Wisc.

    @ Gerard Plourde: It’s only been gone for 37 years. Of course, there is a Brown Derby at Disneyland, but it doesn’t look anything like a derby.

  8. Jim in Wisc.

    Oops, correction the Disney Brown Derby isn’t even in California, it’s in Florida.

  9. Epicus Doomus

    Batiuk sees two adorable lovable old coots, the rest of us see two complete imbeciles who literally wasted their entire lives for no reason. Their eternal undying love couldn’t survive Cliff’s multi-month prison sentence, I guess.

  10. @Gerard Plourde: He does know that The Brown Derby closed, doesn’t he?

    According to Wikipedia, “There are five Brown Derby restaurants in five Ohio locations of Middleburg Heights, Canton, Lyndhurst, Medina [where Batiuk lives] and Streetsboro that are still in business today.” Maybe Masone let them borrow the studio’s private jet.

  11. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    “You idiot! The Brown Derby is a restaurant, not a motel!”

  12. spacemanspiff85

    I was going to say that obviously Batiuk is getting all his knowledge of Hollywood from a Flash comic from the early 60s, but given that this restaurant only exists in Ohio, that’s probably giving him too much credit. He probably just happened to be there, and read on the menu that it used to be in Hollywood, and figured he could kill a couple weeks on the road to 50 with it.

  13. spacemanspiff85

    Oh, and if you read Batiuk’s blog for January 5, he’s got what’s clearly a silhouette of Teen Les kissing Not Dead Yet But Possibly Already Date-Raped Lisa, with the caption “This is another peek into the pipeline with a rough worked-up for a project that you’ll be hearing much more about towards the end of the year.”
    So, he’s going to publish “The First Shoe” or some crap like that about how Les and Lisa fell in love. And he’s not going to announce until the end of 2017. I’m sure he’s going to tie it into his strip too, with Les writing a new epic about how he fell in love with his One True Love (and still not finishing the book about Cayla or taking her to China). And these teasers are just sad. It’s like he thinks the tale of Les and Lisa is on the same level as Star Wars, with fans dying for any bit of news they can get.

  14. Oh, crap. I just had the worst thought. What if he knows it’s gone? What if the maitre d’ is Masky McDeath?! What if we’re to tie these two shlub’s stupid non-love story to the real ultra-dull non romance?

  15. Rusty Shackleford

    Well we can see that Batty’s never been to Hollywood recently. The Brown Derby is gone, and the area is quite grungy, with some interesting characters walking around.

  16. Rusty

    Cliff’s heavy beard really makes drawing a smirk a challenge.

  17. Clearly Batiuk saw some Looney Tunes short from the 1940s and is basing Mason and whatsherface on the celebrity caricatures therein.

  18. I think her head is about to snap at the neck and break off. BTW, as I noted awhile back, people really don’t tilt their heads sideways or downward to convey emotion in real life. TB always has these awkward positions he draws them in.

  19. billytheskink

    Meanwhile, Vera continues to look distractingly like one-time John Darling colleague Brenda Harpy.

  20. When the hallucinogens wear off…

    “C’mon, Cliff dearie… Wikipedia says the ‘derby’ part of the building’s currently unoccupied. Let’s sneak up there and make sweet sweet love like we did behind the salad bar in 1952…”

  21. Let’s say Cliff was aboard the tramp steamer when he was 16. Since he went in 1940, that means he was born in 1924. That makes him 93 years old.

    However, because of the time jump, he’s actually 103. I’m surprised he’s mobile at all.

  22. Rusty Shackleford

    Batty has a list of words he is dying to shoehorn into the strip, tramp steamer had to be near the top of the list.

  23. Charles

    Let’s say Cliff was aboard the tramp steamer when he was 16. Since he went in 1940, that means he was born in 1924. That makes him 93 years old.

    I’ve mentioned before that I’m an MST3k fan, and one of my hobbies that I’ve developed since following that show has been to investigate what happened to the actors in the movies they riffed. They did a ton of movies from the ’50s, and you can count those where two or more actors are still alive today on one hand. Usually it’s only an actress who was in her early twenties at the time, who’s now in her early eighties. Occasionally you get an unusual film like Space Children, (which isn’t really that unusual, because, you know, “children”) that has several actors who are still alive. Of course, if you want to appreciate just how long ago 1958 was, take a look at any of those kids then, and take a look at them now, now that they’re all past 70. But for the most part, lead actors from ’50s movies are gone.

    Long story short: there’s no way in hell that Cliff and Vera would both be alive today. Besides, Vera totally would have gotten married to some Hollywood player before 1962 and would have retired from acting to raise a family, since that’s the standard course for actresses of her purported age.