Crocodile Schlock

Link To Today’s Disappointment

Oh, gross. What the hell is this? A thousand and one unresolved plot threads are just dangling there, rotting away on the vine and he has time to focus on these two awful contrivances and their repellent old-timey smoochy talk? Man alive, it’s so nauseating I might keep a copy of it in the medicine cabinet in case I accidentally eat rat poison and need to induce vomiting quickly. Once again he goes to the “frisky old coots” trope and generates “ewwwws” instead of “awwwws”. Then “gaks” followed by a few rounds of “why the f*ck do I read this thing?”.

What is he even still doing there? Why is he always in that idiotic costume? WTF is Vera’s deal? And why are Mason and Marianne…I mean Boy Lisa and Pete hanging around the set again? Are we already due for another “gee Darin, I wonder how ninety year olds made out with one another back in the ol’ Batom Comics days?” arc again? I think it’s pretty remarkable how at first glance you can’t tell if you’re looking at Marianne, Summer or Pete, especially since one of them is supposedly a Hollywood sex symbol. Here comes the nausea again.

God I hope this is a grab-bag/garbage dump week because five more days of this is going to be hellish. The “new” characters don’t normally annoy me quite as much as the regulars do but Cliff and Vera are just gratingly bad and their already-abandoned little back story was blindingly stupid even by FW standards. Maybe it’s somehow leading back around to Frankie’s Film Food flim-flam but who the hell knows? Just please, not a f*cking wedding arc…anything but a f*cking wedding arc.




Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

24 responses to “Crocodile Schlock

  1. louder

    Thought the old coot was only having a cameo in the movie, but he’s hanging around like he’s the star. Again, people not involved to the day’s filming are hanging around like they got nothing else to do, the laziest security in the biz going on here. Guess Cliff Anger being a recluse who never went out, and hated everyone has been safely retconned away. The next time TomBat follows his own storyline will be the first time.

  2. spacemanspiff85

    I’m just glad Batiuk didn’t make this into a Sunday strip, with the first panel stretched out into six. I get the impression Pete and Darin have been standing there watching for quite a while. And holding hands, apparently.


    No!!! It isn’t cute!!! It’s disturbing!! You two sickos are leering over two octagenarians like you’re watching a live cam show on Red Tube. Which I am pretty sure is an activity that both of you guys finish each other off with. Ugg, can we just go back to Les Moore!!!

  4. So, Vera and Cliff were always amorous…except when Cliff pooped on Sen McCarthy’s panel and lost his career, and Vera decided “Well, the Hell with him, then!” And for sixty years she just…waited.

    I guess that’s the fate for the FW females. Wow, this strip really kindles the feminist theory that male creators cannot do women characters.

  5. billytheskink

    Why is this exchange being lit? Do Cliff and Vera make sure to make out in the glow of a stage light or did Durwood and Creepy Pete rig it up to feed whatever kink they’re on here?

  6. spacemanspiff85

    Can you imagine being one of the women in Batiuk’s life, and seeing this strip? Knowing that you’re either represented as a fat, shapeless blob like Holly, Donna, Dinkle’s wife, and that Mary Sue who was hot in high school, as androgynous and constantly wearing a hoody or wifebeater like Summer and Marianne, or as a hot young blonde, like Cindy and all the students Les has leered at through the years.

  7. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    About 50 years ago there appeared a comic strip character who was a guru, a philosopher, a fount of wisdom. His creator was Robert Crumb, and the character was Mr. Natural. Perhaps some of you may have heard of him in a philosophy class.

    The FW strip today made me think of a Mr. Natural adventure entitled “Mr. Natural Takes a Shit”; particularly the dialogue/sound effect from one panel. To me it sums up today’s strip neatly. To quote Mr. Natural/Robert Crumb, “Grunt. Plop.” Doesn’t that say it all? “Grunt. Plop.”

  8. Yes, they flew him in for a quick cameo, but he still hasn’t gotten it right and Masoné Jarreé is determined to keep him around till he gets it.

  9. Rusty Shackleford

    @gerard is correct, I think Batty is doing a quick check in with all of the storylines. That’s the only way to explain all the jumping around.

    Over on cshaft, we are treated to an idiot complaining because he bought a dying business, has to work it hard, and then his daytime (paying) job suffers. Ah, see what some go through to protect our dying old movie houses.

  10. Batiuk seems to think movie sets are like employee break rooms and everyone who’s working on the project just goes there to hang out at any time.

  11. With all the hubbub about Cliff and Vera, we still have no idea how they actually fit into the Starbuck Jones story. I’m guessing that they play Mason’s parents, and appear just long enough to be pushed into a chasm or eaten by a monster. But they could just as well be playing the evil villains or hapless bystanders. Whatever the case, the Cliff/Vera back story is pretty much the least interesting aspect of the Starbuck Jones plot and I’m pretty annoyed that he continues to beat us over the head with it.

  12. From his perspective, it’s the charming and romantic tale of star-crossed lovers meeting at the twilight of life. From a sane perspective, it’s the infuriating tale of sixty-five years shot to Hell because Cliff was an idiot.

  13. Bobby Joe

    Okay which one is going to have a heart attack or be diagnosed with cancer?

    No one ever lives happily ever after in the Funky universe.

  14. to be pushed into a chasm

    Hey, stop poking those old people toward me!

  15. Gerard Plourde

    I’m curious about their use of a phrase that became popular among teenagers in the mid-1950’s. Bill Haley and the Comets recorded “See You Later, Alligator” in 1956, two years after Joe McCarthy’s downfall. Cliff would have been in his late 20s and I doubt he would be trying to be “with it” (absent some very creepy motives).

  16. Gerard Plourde

    I should have said “late twenties and probably older than that since he was a target of the Blacklist”.

  17. Really, Tom Batiuk, really? You had to render two catch phrases from the early 20th Century, with a year’s lead time, and you mangled half of them

    In a while, crocodile. How could you possibly think it was after ’ while, crocodile? What do you call that, writing? Did you even try saying this dialogue out loud?

  18. hitorque

    @Gerard Plourde: But it was noted by the committee that Cliffe Angere traveled to the Soviet Union in 1940(?) so even if he went as a teenager, Cliffe was born in the early 1920s at the latest…

  19. hitorque

    1. Just a reminder that for 60+ years, Cliffe+Verae evidently never found other people, married, or had kids of their own… Nor did they bother to ever look each other up, which makes me wonder how strong this “love” really was.

    2. Just another reminder that Verae is not part of the movie (and TB couldn’t be bothered to give her a backstory), so unless she retired a multimillionaire, I’m interested to know how the hell she was able to leave everything back wherever the hell she was living and live indefinitely in a laughably expensive Los Angeles hotel… Or if Verae lives locally, I’m interested to see how she can afford the local cost of living as a retiree…

    3. Yeah, grown-ass folks don’t do the whole “alligator/crocodile” thing (unless they’re talking to their own kids)… That’s more of an elementary school saying…

    4. I literally don’t know what’s worse — Darrin Nogood and Pete Rattabastardo ogling a couple of 90-year-olds smooching and groping like teenagers in line at an amusement park as if it was their own private peepshow, or the fact that seeing people in love hasn’t given Darrin the “OH SHIT I’VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY WIFE AND SON!!” -moment; nor has it made Pete wonder that why as the hottest scriptwriter in Hollywood working on the most expensive, overhyped comic book blockbuster in history, he can’t manage to get laid in a city full of shamelessly gloryseeking hotties…

    5. Just another reminder that as a mere storyboard artist/toy designer, Darrin’s official involvement with this project should have ended long, long ago (along with his stream of income). Yet he still hangs out at the studio all day instead of spending time with his wife and kid because reasons…

  20. @hitorque – as to #4, there’s an old joke about a starlet who was desperate for fame, but “she was so dumb, she slept with the writer!”

  21. Gerard Plourde

    @ Hitorque _ Thanks. I thought that he was involved in something pre-WW II, but didn’t have time to research it. So his use of postwar teenage slang is even more inappropriate.

  22. Jim in Wisc.

    There’s not only going to be a wedding, but Masoné Jarré will decree that it must become part of the film. Because there’s nothing producers, directors and writers like more than to add a completely unrelated scene to a movie that has most of filming done.

  23. Epicus Doomus

    There’s only one person on the planet who thinks it’s cute to see two ninety year olds slobbering all over each other while mumbling stupid pop culture references and I know you know who I’m talking about. I personally can’t wait until they both go senile and become EVEN MORE hilarious.

  24. Charles

    Does Batiuk think that it took eight months to shoot every one of these Stan Lee cameos?

    And does he really think that Stan Lee (and Stan Lee’s wife/girlfriend) has nothing better to do than hang around the set for 250 days? Wearing that little mailman costume or a tuxedo the entire time for the Fantastic Four ones, no less?

    He always relies on the condescending notion that if an elderly person does something, it’s always EXTREME. 90 year-old makes a pun? EXTREME HUMOR. 90 year-old breaks a hip? EXTREME TRAGEDY. 90 year-olds romance one another in the least believable fashion ever? EXTREME HEARTWARMING.