Trust Never Sleeps

Well, Groundhog Day was a week ago, but readers will be forgiven if they feel like they’re re-reading yesterday’s strip today. Panel one, Anono-Lawyer uses a legal term; panel two, lawyer guy turns it over to Funky and Holly. Panel three–the payoff!–Funky says something pitiful.

Since I said everything yesterday that could be said about this setup, I’ll use the remainder of my time to share a couple hunches. First, that building we see out the window in panel 2 seems rather lovingly detailed, especially in light of Mr. “Halftone Gradient” Batiuk’s usual disdain for drawing scenery. Perhaps it is a Real Place in Ohio?

Secondly, as this blog nears its seventh anniversary (thanks to every one of our readers and contributors!), Funky Winkerbean is coming up on forty-five years. I would not put it past Tom Batiuk, assuming he plans to mercifully retire FW at the fifty-year mark, to end with a drawn out “Funky Dies” arc, in which every single abandoned plot line is resolved. Better get to work on that now, Tom.

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15 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

15 responses to “Trust Never Sleeps

  1. spacemanspiff85

    Cancer, Funky. What else?

  2. billytheskink

    What didn’t you die of is probably the easier question to answer, Funky.

    TFH, your 50th anniversary “Funky dies” arc idea reminds me of OB Dan’s “The Grand Finale” theory from the old Stuck Funky days. Dan may wind up being right about that after all.

  3. Gerard Plourde

    Wow, Batty isn’t even attempting to conceal his contempt for Funky.

  4. Funky will die in the Centerview Theatre, which will be hosting the premier of the “Starbuck Jones” movie, hastily (but perfectly) re-written and re-directed by Les Moore. People will think he has simply fallen asleep, but he’ll be dead with a smile on his face, and everyone will say it was a wonderful way to go, being enthralled to death by his pal Les.

  5. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    You died when you were eaten feet first by a giant, hairy head with ears.

  6. Epicus Doomus

    It’s a trick question. Funky will never die, as that would mean Batiuk finally took his foot off his throat and I just don’t see that ever happening. He needs Funky too much, that disturbing “the universe is conspiring against me” outlook needs a release valve.

  7. spacemanspiff85

    @epicusdoomus:
    Coma or paralysis from the neck down, then. And if he’s in a coma, Batiuk can use him for Starbuck Jones fantasies.

  8. Epicus Doomus

    Think about the void Funky’s death would leave in Westview. First and foremost, the town’s only pizza source would suddenly go dry, forcing addicts to resort to synthetic Domino’s analogs to ease their withdrawl pains. Without Funky and Holly around to prop it up the Korner would fold too, forcing four or five people to go elsewhere to buy comic books and putting Crazy Harry back on the skids. Wally and Rachel would be thrown into chaos just as Wally began to gently ease into the idea of trying to master that electronic door doohickey at community college. The town’s main private employer, landlord and community gathering place would be gone and they’d have to elect a new president of the chamber of commerce too.

    The Montoni’s District would soon become an urban wasteland. Bail bondsmen, cash-for-gold shops and a chullo-wearing scuzzbag calling himself “O-Face” slinging badly photocopied comic books and pizza-flavored Combos to desperate locals, a grim tableau of a Funky-free future. Without a cheap place to live professional comic book writers and doodlers would scorn Westview thus putting a serious dent in the town’s burgeoning comic book movie making industry. Likewise, the local band box repair industry probably wouldn’t survive the loss of its customer either. The crushing weight of our indifferent and cruel universe would shift to Les’ shoulders, causing mass disgust and probably another dead wife or two. The Westview we know would never be the same.

    Or alternately, it’d be really stupid and boring and the strip would continue in that vein for another two hundred years, with another character dying every ten years until at long last Les is finally, mercifully gone. Who really knows with this strip?

  9. Meanwhile, the Funky Dies plotline will be neatly paralleled by Ed Crankshaft’s debilitating stroke behind the wheel of his damned bus. A lot of school kids will be joining Funky in the sweet hereafter.

  10. sgtsaunders

    My first guess would be murder. Then cancer. Then an eraser.

  11. @Paul Jones: Meanwhile, the Funky Dies plotline will be neatly paralleled by Ed Crankshaft’s debilitating stroke behind the wheel of his damned bus.

    As it so happens, Crankshaft the comic strip turns 30 this coming June 8th.

  12. spacemanspiff85

    @epicusdoomus:
    I have a feeling if Funky did die, Cory would just take over his job and nothing would change. And in a week Batiuk would be drawing him to look just like Funky. And Mort. And Harry and John would probably just call him Funky, because why bother. And Rocky would vanish like Cayla, and Cory would movie in with his mom, so there would be literally no difference.
    Either that, or Les would run Montoni’s (and teach, and write) because he’s just that awesome.

  13. Comic Book Harriet

    There was not one person that read this strip today that didn’t mentally answer Funky’s question with ‘Cancer’. An entire nation unified by a single thought in answer to a single question.

  14. bigd1992

    How he dies: Ed Crankshaft has a stroke while driving the bus. It careens toward Funky and Les who are jogging. Les pushes Funky in front of the bus to save himself, and lies to everyone that Funky jumped in front of the bus to save Les, dying a martyr’s death. Eventually, he’ll write a book about it, and use the kill fee when the book gets turned into an action movie.

  15. Doghouse Reilly

    That’s easy: Funky drowned in moonlight, strangled on his own bra.