Crisis on Infinite Earths

Link to today’s strip.

The written content of today’s strip makes “trivia” look like Tolstoy, so I’m going to ignore it.  Despite Dexter Myles constant pointing.  What the hell is that guy’s deal?  “The fingah!  The fingah!”

No, what I want to draw your attention to is the object in the glass case in panel one.

It’s not a flying saucer.  It’s not a hubcap.  It’s Jay Garrick’s hat.

I hate myself for knowing this and typing it out at you, but the original golden age Flash was a guy named Jay Garrick.  He safeguarded his secret identity by…putting on a hat.  Seriously, no mask, no hood, just a hat.  “Jay, are you secretly the Flash?”  “Of course not, that’s silly!” (puts on hat)  “Oh my gosh, Flash, how did you get here?  And where’s Jay?”  Finally, we have someone who makes Superman’s glasses look like a James Bond disguise.

But that’s not what worries me.

If someone was going to build a comic strip museum, you couldn’t put a baseball cap and glove, or a yellow porkpie hat, into a glass case and claim they belonged to Charlie Brown and Dick Tracy respectively.  Because neither of those folks exist, so it’s not possible to possess items that they used.

So, then, someone made a replica of Jay Garrick’s hat for the museum.  “So what?” you’re probably asking me.  But why would they do that?  What does the hat by itself do, when you could get a more complete impression by making a statue of Jay Garrick wearing his hat?  Both are equally fake, but the second makes more sense.  Unless…

–unless The Flash is a real person in Funky Winkerbean, and that’s Jay Garrick’s actual hat.  And he donated it to the museum.  Suddenly, all of this makes sense.  No.  No, no.  No, it doesn’t.  But it seems logically consistent, given the contents of The Flash Museum in Central City.  But if there are actual superheroes in the Funkyverse, why are there comic books?  Why does Pete struggle to write them, when he can just read the newspaper and copy what actually happened?  How come these heroes never save anyone–yet get gigantic museums in their honor?  Could you hire Superman to destroy Westview, because evil?  Why hasn’t he done so already?

AAAARRRRRGGGHHH

MIND

BLOWN

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13 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

13 responses to “Crisis on Infinite Earths

  1. spacemanspiff85

    I wish what happened in Batiuk’s garage studio stayed in Batiuk’s garage studio.

  2. Epicus Doomus

    Yeah, you certainly wouldn’t want your family and friends to find out that you bungled a trivia question while visiting a fictional comic book character museum. Imagine the crippling shame one would feel…IF you were a Westviewian, I mean. It’d be nearly as embarrassing as not having a doorknob and steering wheel coated in pizza grease or never having bypass surgery and/or chemo.

    Just when you think BatBrain can’t be any less imaginative…kapow! Vegas retired that tagline years ago, thus it’s just ripe enough to use as a FW punchline. So what, this Flash Museum is really just an ordinary “museum”? That’s…uh…”interesting”. No wonder these two morons (who he tries to depict as “kids” even though they’re both well over forty by now) are so engrossed. Sigh.

  3. Epicus Doomus: Vegas retired that tagline years ago, thus it’s just ripe enough to use as a FW punchline.

    …repeatedly.

  4. Epicus Doomus

    “Honey, you’d better sit down, I have something very serious to tell you. At the Flash Museum today I forgot an obscure bit of comic book trivia.”

    “Nooo! (sobbing) I want a divorce!”

    “No need, I ingested a lethal dose of poison several seconds ago. Just tell everyone it was cancer…they’ll buy that. Make sure I’m buried in my Aquaman underwear.”

    “Of course my darling.”

    TFH: Coming next week: the characters begin telling one another to “sit on it” and constantly ask one another where the beef is.

  5. erdmann

    Not only is that Jay’s hat, Dopey Pete is wearing his shirt.
    Lord, I really feel like I need to apologize to the entire world on behalf of all comics fans for this.

  6. billytheskink

    The Flash museum appears to be exactly as a crowded as I would expect a Flash museum to be.

    The incredibly uneventful Dick Tracy crossover from a few years ago dragged Funky Winkerbean into a Tommy Westphall Universe-esque series of connections. I’d bet you could find the Flash tangled in there somewhere, in fact: Funky -> Dick Tracy -> Batgirl -> The Flash can be confirmed with 5 minutes on Google (or even Bing). One could argue that there are multiple Dick Tracy universes, I guess, but that makes none of this less ridiculous or more interesting.

  7. Gerard Plourde

    “The incredibly uneventful Dick Tracy crossover.…dragged Funky Winkerbean into a Tommy Westphall-esque series of connections.”

    Even worse, the twists, trurns, and logical inconsistencies reminiscent of the final St. Elsewhere episode make it appear that Tommy Westphall is scripting Funky Winkerbean.

  8. The ironic thing about all of this is that Bathack is under the mistaken impression that someone who’s been called Gorilla Grodd is named the gorilla Grodd. I guess what happens when you’re a selfish and entitled eleven year old thinking that a woman’s job is handing you milk and cookies stays in late fifties Ohio.

  9. Rusty Shackleford

    Back at the Les Moore museum, you can view The Lisa Tapes. Preachy, annoying, and shrill, oh what fun you will have!

  10. sgtsaunders

    This is waaay more comic book shit than I can stomach.

  11. Professor Fate

    Ah – even if the brain was in another body it was still Grodd’s brain -so how is that a secret identity? I’d like to ask the judges for a decision on this. I rather hate myself for thinking about this at all

    Meantime – I’ve always had a fondness for the Golden Age Superheroes like the Original Flash. Back then folks were still working out how comic books worked so things could get more than a little silly for example, the original Green Lantern’s weakness was wood, there was a hero who took a pill and was super strong for an hour and he was called yes Hourman, lastly there was Dr. Mid-nite (spelling varied) who’s power was he could see in the dark. Still as silly as they were they, like the old movie serials they had a lot of energy and just flat out moved unlike well this strip here.

    Jay Garrick’s lack of a mask was eventually explained. Per the recent comics he vibrates his head at super speed so you don’ really get a good look at him. Instead of a face it’s something of a blur apparently which I think would freak people out a lot more than a mask would. If memory serves, is this the reason given that nobody realizes Superman is Clark Kent. (I still prefer that the explanation is that the inhabitants of Metropolis are idiots.)

    Again Tom makes me ashamed that I ever read a comic book in my life. And i’m even more ashamed that I’ve retained this stuff – instead oh I don’t know being able to quote passages from the Iliad.

  12. $$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$

    This is the most awkward gay date in history!

  13. Actually, if we do in fact over think this and presume, as BC so intuitively intuited, that Flash is a real person in the Funkyverse, we have an infinitely (pun intended) more interesting strip. Perhaps we could even retconn past arcs under that presumption – Marian Winters did jump, for example, and Flash worked up a speed vortex to catch her and gently lower her to the griound…