Retch-A-Sketch

Link To Today’s Strip

And as the winter solstice draws nigh, The Bearded Dick With Ears shall emerge from his smug frozen tomb to wreak wordplay and sarcasm across the dormant mid-central Ohio landscape, casting his obnoxious shadow as the sun’s rays fade into anecdotes about his dead wife and the horrors of authordom.

Oh swell, just in time for the holidays. Look at him there in panel one…”what a dick” neatly summarizes THAT one. This is some book tour, apparently he’s gracing EVERY town in Ohio with his presence, those poor bastards. “Lisa’s Trilogy” must be really burning up the best-seller list in the “not real book, collection of previously-published old comic strips in book form” category.

And Boy Lisa’s bizarre trek continues unabated today as he wanders around Ohio in a haze, interacting with Lisa’s survivors, replacements and legacy books, pining away wistfully for his beloved “mom” and doing his very best to emulate her special brand of bland and quite frankly annoying saintly altruism. He’s doing a damn fine job of it too, as my desire to behead him has definitely multiplied exponentially ever since this “mom” silliness began.

Les’ hardcore fans are going to freak upon discovering that copies of “Trilogy” exist with both Les’ and Boy Lisa’s signatures. I can easily foresee Ebay bidding wars with prices skyrocketing well into the tens of dollars for that collector’s item. Seriously though, wouldn’t Boy Lisa be entitled to a cut of the sales here? He wasn’t stupid enough to illustrate those books (and come up with the whole idea for “Prelude”) for free…was he? I assume Les secretly hates him because a) he’s Frankie’s spawn and b) he makes a living in Hollywood’s immoral cesspool of Lisa’s Story-ruining fiends and his only goal here is to bleed him dry, but then again it’s entirely possible that Darin is indeed just that dumb.

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20 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

20 responses to “Retch-A-Sketch

  1. louder

    Less see (oh what a pun!), BoyLisa did the art in the Holy Trilogy, and makes a living as an artist in Hollywood, and he looks up to Less why? He’s succeeded in everything that Less failed in, but BatHack makes him look like he’s not good enough to carry the Holy Writer’s pen — sort of like he’s Less of a writer (I’m BatHack hot tonight with those crazy funny puns!)

  2. “Les’ hardcore fans” — now there’s a phrase that could spawn more nightmare fuel than this strip could muster in…well, a couple of days, to be honest. Still, it’s three words that could conjure a lot of terrified 3 AM awakenings…”Honey, are you okay?” “Yes, I’m fine, I just…dreamed about Les Moore’s fans…” “Okay, that’s it, Bruce. Tomorrow I’m scheduling you for those gamma ray treatments. Nothing can be worse than dreaming about Les Moore’s fans!” #ComicBookReference

    • Epicus Doomus

      Purely hypothetical of course. Obviously there are no Les Moore fans in real life, but within the confines of the Funkyverse he appears to have a fairly decent (gak) fan base there in mid-central Ohio. Remind me to never, ever go there.

      I took it way too easy on that joke too. “Sketchograph”? Wow, that’s really shitty, I guess “illustrationograph” wouldn’t fit in the word balloon. The self-promotion Lisa stuff is unbearable, Boy Lisa makes it worse, Les amplifies it to infinity then delivers a punch line so awful it could be considered downright cruel.

  3. billytheskink

    Hey hey hey! Who wants signatures from these two schmucks when Dwayne from What’s Happening!! and Ned Ryerson are standing right there?

  4. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    I know I’ve been critical of Richie “Bad Hair Dye” BurchHack, Batty’s replacement artist. I’ve said he makes the same dumb mistakes as Batty. I’ve said he’s anything but an improvement over Batty. But today is a special day. Today, Richie ShoePolishHead has raised the bar. Whereas Batty drew Les’s face as “punchable,” Burchie has succeeded in drawing Les’s face as “kickable in the teeth with a steel tipped boot.” Congratulations, comic book boy who uses industrial pump lubricant as hair gel.

  5. What flips me is that Derpwood wants to be known as the illustrator of this dreck. I wouldn’t wish that resume stain on my worst enemy.

  6. Gerard Plourde

    I’ve brought this up before, but there is still no explanation how Les is able to go on his book tour during the school year. We can only hope that he’s retired.

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      Easy to explain. Remember when Summer, the Specialest Snowflake hurt her knee during a basketball game and the rest of the team refused to play without her? (I’m still amazed that Batty thought any sports team in this universe or any other would ever do that.) Since The Lord Of Language is off on his “book tour” spreading the Gospel According to Dead Saint Lisa of the Immaculate Cancer, the entire school has shut down until he returns.

      On the front door is a hand written, hastily taped up sign saying, “CLOSED until the heroic return of our Lord of Language, Mr. Moore.”

      Except now and then, you could see a naked Cayla and Princ’pal Nate playfully chasing each other through the empty hallways…

    • comicbookharriet

      The children are being supervised daily by an underpaid teaching aide, and ‘free learning’ English by reading and then composing their own Harry Potter fanfics online. Their interest and engagement with actual reading has made the kids’ overall English scores increase astronomically on government standardized tests, so the school figures they’re way better off paying Les to STAY FAR AWAY.

  7. Chyron HR

    “He wasn’t stupid enough to illustrate those books (and come up with the whole idea for “Prelude”) for free…was he?”

    Uh, these are books about his ACTUAL MOM, Lisa (and to a lesser extent his stepmother Cayla). Asking to be paid would dishonor her memory.

    • Gerard Plourde

      Not exactly. Lisa was in high school when she gave birth and immediately gave him up for adoption. He was raised from infancy by the Fairgoods. He was a grownup by the time Les met and married Cayla. The amount of time he spent actually interacting with Les or Lisa in a parent-child relationship is zero.

  8. Rusty

    Giving up his drawing chores has freed Batiuk up to indulge his worst instincts. The story lines for the last couple of months have been entirely self=serving and lame.

  9. Rusty Shackleford

    So disappointed, no ghost Lisa anywhere! I hope she makes a Christmas appearance. It wouldn’t be a FW Christmas without the ghost of Lisa’s past, followed by Les dancing with himself to usher in 2018.

  10. bobanero

    Hasn’t Less been on his book-signing tour for like months now? Wouldn’t he have started the book tour in Westview? So why is he just now doing a signing at a book store that is apparently around the corner from his house? Unless this is some special “give the gift of cancer” holiday promotion.

  11. comicbookharriet

    “Hey Step-Bio-Son! Would you like to perform free labor to vastly increase the value of the product I’m taking credit and money for? Your mom LOVED doing that!”

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      Suddenly a crowd bursts through the front doors. “We heard the artist who drew the illos for the coming Starbuck Jones movie is here!!!!!”