Breakneck Pacing

Link to today’s strip.

Looks like we’re in for a whole week of sideways strips.  And once again, the format is pointless.  Does Batiuk think New York Times readers will enjoy his daring staging?  OOOoooOOoooOOooo…so avant garde!  Expanding the boundaries of the comics page!

Or does he think they enjoy stretching their necks?  If so, at least reward them with something worth the effort.

Which this decidedly is not.  I thought the week started out well, as noted a tiny bit whimsical, but now it’s just more revenge porn against Funky.  Yes, we are supposed to believe that Funky is so stupid he thinks this is a real monster, and he’d better cater to its wishes…or else.  I mean, the damned thing is weaponless.  Any sudden movement would send it to the floor in a heap.

Sigh.  Heaven forbid you were the popular kid when Batiuk was in your high school class.  How dare you be popular, and well-liked, and generally normal!   Don’t you know Les’ wife died of cancer twenty years ago!!

In fact, the more I think about it, the more it seems that the “Lisa’s Story” garbage was thrown into the strip to point out to “new” readers that, yes, Bull died…but that’s not the death you need to concern yourself with.  Just imagine the panic that must have gone through his mind when he realized people might say, “Funky Winkerbean?  Oh, yeah, that’s the one where the coach died.”


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

25 responses to “Breakneck Pacing

  1. William Thompson

    Hurry up and suffocate already, Pizza Monster. Or Pizza Man, or Pizza Woman–nobody’s feeling fussy tonight.

  2. William Thompson

    “You’re here to pick up a Halloween pizza? What name did you use, and how will you pay?”


    “Monster, schmonster, Blockhead! We’re talking money here! No name, no cash, no service!”

  3. billytheskink

    This promise will make Mr. Pizza Monster Montoni’s first ever repeat customer!

  4. Epicus Doomus

    The Pizza Monster made of pizza boxes invades the local pizzeria and orders pizza…boy, this BatYank guy is a real f*cking font of imagination, I’ll tell you what. I mean if the boxes are empty (and I have to assume they are as if they weren’t PM wouldn’t need to get more pizza, obviously) he’s really not a “pizza” monster at all but merely a cardboard box monster with terrible ergonomics to boot.

    I don’t even want to ponder what a “Halloween pizza” is. So PM only orders pizza on Halloween? So where was PM before this year? Is he from out of town or something? Seriously though, it has to be Crazy Harry, right?

  5. William Thompson

    May whoever is sealed inside that cramped, unventilated stack of boxes have the world’s worst gas attack right about now.

  6. spacemanspiff85

    This could be added to the very, very, very long volume of strips showcasing why Batiuk never had a career with Marvel, DC, or Hollywood.

  7. AmigoLupus

    I’m still reeling at the complete tonal whiplash here. We went from a 10-week (actually just 5 weeks) prestige arc about a man suffering from CTE and committing suicide, to a return of Les and Cancerwife, and now this piece of whimsy.

    If Batiuk really wanted to scare the readers then he should have just kept going with more of the universe sucking off Les’s brilliance.

    • William Thompson

      So it has holes for sight, air and speech, and enough slack to enable walking like Frankenstein’s Surrender Creature. Not only does Batiuk “creatively acquire” somebody else’s feeble joke, but he has to dumb it down.

      • billytheskink

        I’m good with TB indulging himself in this ripped-off “Pizza Monster” nonsense under one condition – that he is the actual Luigi’s “Pizza Box Man”.

        • William Thompson

          I’d be fine with it if it only appeared in the Akron Ancient or the Neighborhood Naysayer, or even better The Batiuk Family Christmas Newsletter. This arc is probably good enough for the locals who know and care about Luigi’s. Otherwise, well, it’s sad that Batiuk’s editor and publisher don’t care enough to check on him.

    • CRM114

      Every night I get down on my knees and thank the Lord I was neither born nor live in Ohio.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Is that placemat this week’s complete storyline? It sure looks like it. Tomorrow Funky and Pizza Monster will have another conversation which I can’t quite read at this resolution, then Funky will follow it and find only a pile of discarded pizza boxes.

      What kind of deal does Tom Batiuk have with the syndicate that he can hand his cartoons out to his friends before they’re even published? For use in advertising, even?

    • ian'sdrunkenbeard

      I never heard of this! I plan on going to the bar next door to Luigi’s tonight. I won $100 with my human fly costume on Saturday, so I’ll try my luck again. Maybe I’ll pop in Luigi’s and ask if the pizza monster has shown up.

      • Rusty Shackleford

        Yeah me either. Then again, I haven’t been in Luigis since the 90s. Their food really isn’t that great.

        We only went there cause it was open late.

        • William Thompson

          It sounds like the kind of place you go because you like the crowd. Given that Batiuk writes about depressing people who detest one another, they’d better have a therapist on their staff.

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      Well. We should have known. Thing is, BatWit could have made this somewhat amusing. The pizza box guy could be bumbling around, walking into things. Hey, it’s hard to see and walk around in that silly getup. Flunky could engage in witty banter with the guy in this goofy costume. I mean, on the surface, it could be a cute idea for a costume.

      But having Flunky and Hulky act terrified of this costumed putz makes it all instantly lame. Is it silly? Is it scary? Don’t ask BatWad – He seems to have no idea at all.

      But no matter how you slice it (see what I did there?), ButtWhip has spent more time and energy on this lame gag than summing up the consequences of CTE and suicide.

  8. Merry Pookster

    Did bull die or something?
    Was there a daughter in the picture?

    • billytheskink

      There were two. One was a stepdaughter and one was adopted. One was Hispanic and one was Asian. One played football in a prom dress and the other hated sports. I only point these things out because TB made a big deal of doing so from time-to-time…

  9. Banana Jr. 6000

    This story is begging to be a fantasy sequence. Especially since it’s Halloween week. Imagine a pizza box monster in Calvin & Hobbes, as seen through Calvin’s imagination. That’d be awesome! And it would make the story work, because Funky’s supposed to be afraid of it.

    Instead, we get this. A realistic pizza box monster, which is somehow less realistic than the real thing. We all said Tuesday and Wednesday that suit could never move, and we were right. But the one in TFHackett’s photo looks viable. It has joints, openings, smaller boxes in places, and other practicalities.

    Tom Batiuk is not a good enough draftsman to draw realistically, and not creative enough to draw unrealistically.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Yeah and the last panel would show Calvin with pizza sauce smeared everywhere…aaagh I’m bleeding.

  10. Gerard Plourde

    We’ve just reached a new level of mailing it in.

  11. Paul Jones

    Oh, for goodness sake. I wonder how smarmy and verbose the slobbering article about Pizza Box Dummy will be. Since Batiuk is hard-wired to love God-awful things that no one with taste could or should care about, it’ll be a masterwork of glurge.