Useless Squirrel Fact #1256

Link to today’s strip

Maybe it’s the Super Tuesday hangover, but Dinkle in panel three looks just like Bernie Sanders.

Wow. Just. Just, wow. Guys, I don’t know what to do with this really. I feel like that poor janitor hanging around outside, trying to sweep something off the same patch of ground days in a row.

Last week it took and entire week for Funky not to watch the last three seconds of a basketball game. This week we have Dinkle blathering endlessly about the parallels between rodents and band teachers.

Two weeks, out of an entire year, where nothing is being gained. Neither humor, nor character development, nor plot. A good joke in a story arises from the characters as designed and forwards the characterization, plot, or emotional arc.

When has Dinkle ever been a zany trivia nerd about anything other than music? Now, overnight, he’s so obsessed with his squirrel book he can’t bear not to share it with Becky.

How COULD music teachers be like squirrels?

Well, according to the Ohio DNR: The gray squirrel was one of the most populous species of wildlife in Ohio at the time of settlement. Gray squirrels had extensive habitat in the state taking advantage of the widespread forest in Ohio. Early historical records speak of gray squirrel populations so dense that “…it took a month for an army of squirrels to pass.” In fact, gray squirrels disrupted early agricultural efforts in the state to such an extent that Ohio law required each taxpayer to turn in a quota of squirrel skins along with his tax payment.”

I guess what I’m saying is that I hope the Ohio taxpayers are out for band director hides, because there are way too many of them cluttering up the state.

24 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

24 responses to “Useless Squirrel Fact #1256

  1. Epicus Doomus

    I hear ya, CHB. This one is just really out there. I’ve long speculated that BatNard has been drawing a lot of Act III “inspiration” by simply looking out the window but I never had actual proof before. If he does a summertime arc about landscapers and leaf blowers we’ll know my theory is sound.

  2. I’ve long given up on this strip having a punchline, but it’s a new development when there isn’t even a payoff. You know, the whole point of why something was written, drawn and published. There’s no “there” here.

    It makes me wonder about Batiuk’s mental health. Why isn’t Ayers trying to get him to do something? Maybe as long as the check clears he doesn’t care.

    • Gerard Plourde

      I’ve been wondering about TomBa’s mental health for some time. As melodramatic and contrived as the Lisa death arc was it at least told a coherent story. Similarly, the Cliff Anger/Starbuck Jones Move arc was coherent if trite. However, ever since the Butter Brinkel fiasco it seems as if even the smallest scintilla of a story has disappeared. Bull’s demise had no resemblance to the story hyped in the New York Times and veered wildly into being all about persecuted Les.

    • Epicus Doomus

      This is one of the most totally out of left field arcs in recent memory. Maybe we could put together some sort of crowdsourcing thing in order to pay people to do interesting things within view of his studio window, just to see if it helps. Maybe have a parade go down his street or something, I dunno. He might get a week or two out of it.

      • “Hey, Becky, I’ve been reading this fascinating book on the history of parades. Do you know how parades are like band teachers?”

        “Because they both require a great deal of preparation to get a large group of people to do coordinated routines?”

        “Well, I was thinking it’s because both of them like comic books, and hot chocolate. And erasers. And, um, window shades. And lamp. I love lamp.”

  3. You know how, when you’re driving down a road, and a squirrel dashes into the road, and he gets 90% of the way across, then dashes back to his original side?

    That might not be like band teachers, but it seems to be a lot like cartoonists. It’s one way to stretch a storyline out, over and over, so you can make an anniversary.

  4. Doghouse Reilly

    Panel Three: Is Dinkle’s mouth trying to slide off his face?

  5. billytheskink

    Reading this strip has made me realize how losing your wallet is a little like having shingles, in that both are preferable to reading this story arc.

  6. William Thompson

    As Dinkle realizes Lefty made a better joke than he did, he hears a sad trombone. He then runs home and composes a march so depressing, it’s outlawed by Principal Nate. Yes, it’s the infamous “Westview Banned March.”

  7. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Correction, Lefty. Charlie Brown and Linus work for Peanuts. You are stuck working for Batom, Inc.

  8. ian'sdrunkenbeard

  9. Banana Jr. 6000

    This seems like it’s actually trying to be anti-humor. Lefty guesses the lame punchline in Panel 2, and Dinkle delivers a non-punchline in Panel 3. And it… works? Yeah, it kinda does, because we’re all scratching our heads right now at the meaning of this.

  10. ian'sdrunkenbeard

  11. Paul Jones

    Actually, I think we are headed somewhere: blaming the students for his own mediocrity.

  12. Chyron HR

    We rag on the art in this strip a lot, but panel 3 perfectly captures Dinkle’s “Crap, her punchline was better than mine.” face.

  13. Rusty Shackleford

    Batty’s shilling for his band director friends. A recent school levy in my town brought to light the total pay and benefits of the teachers. Let me assure you, public school teachers do not work for peanuts. I’m not against people being paid well, just tired of always hearing teachers b!tch…in that sense they are just like Batty: paid well for minimal work, yet they complain.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Touched some nerves…oh well.

      But hey, the highest paid teacher is the football coach. Almost $200k for coaching, teaching a gym class and a health class. Money well spent.

      So nice to know that Bull made double what Les makes!

      PS: the high school band director makes $150k…not peanuts.

  14. The “works for peanuts” joke was old and tired before I was born, and to be a beady-eyed nitpicker, I will point out that SQUIRRELS DON’T EAT PEANUTS. A simple google search shows that not only do squirrels not eat peanuts, it can be harmful to feed raw peanuts to squirrels. Squirrels naturally eat acorns and other tree nuts (peanuts grow underground and aren’t as accessible to squirrels).

  15. hitorque

    EDIT: You know what? Instead of my usual foulmouthed rant pointing out every obvious thing wrong with this week’s arc (because you’ve heard it all before) and cursing Batiuk’s ancestors, future descendants and the entire state of Ohio in general, let me take you to an alternate reality where teachers WORK HARD, LOVE WHAT THEY DO, and are RESPECTED BY STUDENTS AND PARENTS ALIKE:

    https://abc6onyourside.com/news/local/dublin-band-director-may-win-grammy-for-his-role-in-teaching-music-to-kids

  16. hitorque

    EDIT 2: Sorry, I just can’t resist…

    MOTHERFUCK DINKLE BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT HIS SALARY WHEN HIS SENIORITY IS NETTING HIM EIGHTY GRAND A YEAR JUST TO DO NOTHING ALL DAY… *AND* HE’S NO DOUBT GETTING SOCIAL SECURITY… *AND* HE’S GETTING BOOK SALE MONIES… *AND* HE’S GETTING KICKBACKS ON THE DOOR TO DOOR TURKEY SALES… *AND* HE JUST GOT BACK FROM AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID JUNKET TO THE BAND DIRECTORS’ CONVENTION… AND WE’RE JUST A YEAR REMOVED FROM HIS ALL-EXPENSES PAID JUNKET TO BRUSSELS TO ACCEPT THAT NATION’S HIGHEST CIVILIAN HONOR FOR SERVICES IN SUPPORT OF THEIR CHOCOLATE INDUSTRIES…

    • William Thompson

      And it’s always the best-paid people who complain the most about how they don’t make enough.

  17. Professor Fate

    I have to say aside from the squirrel nonsense – Dinkel’s face in the last panel is hideous as in Raiders of the Lost Ark melting face hideous.

  18. spacemanspiff85

    Based on the third panel, the thing they have in common is storing nuts in their cheeks.