Don’t You Know Who I Am?

I know that among our loyal readership, there are a number of you who have some working familiarity with the entertainment business. Help me out here: I’ve heard of a “closed set,” but…the lot is closed? The parking lot? “They’re shooting Lisa’s Story today.” Shooting? Already? I wasn’t aware that casting, or any other aspect of this production, was even finalized. And here comes the star of this movie they’re shooting, and he can’t get on the lot because the security guard does not know who he is. Is he wearing those shades because he’s blind? And Mason, to his credit I guess, instead of throwing a movie star shit fit, sits there pouting like a douche.

31 Comments

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31 responses to “Don’t You Know Who I Am?

  1. William Thompson

    “No, seriously, I’m sitting next to the man who wrote ‘Lisa’s Story!’ Call the police!”

  2. William Thompson

    How do you shoot the movie when you still haven’t cast the title character?
    How is it that Supreme Galactic Executive Producer Mason Jarre is unaware that shooting has begun? Is he having one of those nightmares where he suddenly realizes he isn’t wearing any pants? Has Todd just plumbed new depths of ignorant idiocy?

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I was expect a week or so with the two of them bickering over Marianne.

      Batty really pushed this story ahead.

      Maybe next week Crankshaft and his pals will be watching this at the dollar matinee at The Valentine.

  3. William Thompson

    “They’re shooting Lisa’s Story today and the lot is closed in mourning!”

  4. Epicus Doomus

    Good ol’ Batom, focusing on every possible peripheral unimportant uninteresting detail of the story while dodging the actual story at every possible corner. It’s fascinating how they’re “shooting” the movie without Mason, the leading man. I guess they’re doing the non-Les parts first.

  5. Doghouse Reilly (Philadelphia)

    Does Battyuk know that most studios shoot multiple films and TV shows simultaneously, and the entire lot wouldn’t be shut down? Apparently not.

    Okay, does he know that studio guards wouldn’t announce the name of a project being shot to (apparently) total strangers driving up to the gate? Apparently not.

    Well, does he at least know that said guard would have a security list to check, so that he could discover that the star of the frackin’ film he just said was being shot has arrived and should be let in…oh, and the supposed scriptwriter (who has never been shown to have written any script) as well? Apparently not.

    I swear, the Three Stooges short where the trio arrive in Hollywood and are mistaken for company moguls from the East Coast and given free reign to direct and co-star in a movie offered a more realistic depiction of the filmmaking process than this nonsense.

    • ukonvasara

      To be fair, in a rare good move for Mason, he specifically forbade Les from being the scriptwriter this time:

    • Perfect Tommy

      Maybe he wanted to feature one of his action-packed Polaroid shots of empty studio parking lots from his “scouting” trip to LA.

  6. Captain Gladys Stoatpamphlet

    “Read between the lines, pal, you’ve been fired.”

  7. Hitorque

    Just your daily reminder that Masone Jarre just starred in a goddamned *BILLION* DOLLAR GROSSING MOVIE so with his face on countless T-shirts, posters, fan art, toys, video games, 59 million kids who dressed up like Starbuck last Halloween, and every other form of commercial merchandising it’s difficult for me to imagine him not being recognized on sight everywhere he goes…

    But *ESPECIALLY* at the fuckin’ movie studio where he is already a regular presence.

    And I’m going to pretend that patronizing fluffing of Les’ ego as if he was a special needs child never happened…

    As an aside, am I really to believe that after those endless bullshit months of Les showing Masone “Lisa’s Dead Historic Trail” in Manhattan and Masone himself secretly flying to Ohio to stalk Les for a day, they *aren’t* shooting in New York and Westview?? What happened to being true and accurate to the story?

  8. CRM114

    Batiuk has to be the laziest so called writer in the history of civilization. Seriously, does he know anything about anything? Does he regurgitate his half baked, self serving, wish fulfillment b.s. of a cartoon life and call it high art because he truly is insane? Folks, the knock on the Batty noggin that he received decades ago may be showing up as dementia. Either this or he really does live in his own delusional cartoon world of a reality. I wonder if he thinks Lisa is somehow real? He very well might. This guy is post-surreal.

    • Epicus Doomus

      On top of that, the “story” so far has consisted of: Les getting pissy about a park bench, Les getting pissy about his old Lisa tapes, Cindy getting pissy about Mason kissing his co-star and people driving around. It couldn’t possibly be less “about” the cancer movie itself. As always, absolutely nothing is actually happening.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I go with “He lives in delusional cartoon world”

      That is the best explanation.

  9. Is … is this Les Moore’s stress dream? If this is Les Moore’s stress dream I’m going to go start reading a Luann snark blog.

  10. William Thompson

    What is that lavender-crowned abomination in the banner? Has Hollywoodland Studios developed a purple-screen effects process, suitable for use with Les Moore’s purple prose? Is it the Mauve Queen from “Alice in Blunderland?” Is the night nurse bringing Batiuk some hot chocolate with extra thorazine?

  11. Paul Jones

    Batiuk sure showed the security guard who wouldn’t let him through all those years ago back when he was torpedoing the Crankshaft film, didn’t he?

  12. Professor Fate

    More proof as if any was really needed that Batiuk doesn’t know anything about how movies are made. Nothing nada, zippo.
    It’s almost impressive the depth of his ignorance. Almost

  13. I see this as Batiuk’s last chance to have a positive legacy. If he can somehow shove “Lisa’s Story” out enough so that it begins to resonate with the general comic strip reader, then he has a reputation other than “guy who crapped on his own strip and readers in a pathetic grab at awards.”

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      And yet, what is the story about? Les’ feelings and ego being catered to by all of Hollywood, from major motion picture stars to parking lot security guards (in the same strip, even). The is by far the Mary Sue-iest crap I’ve ever seen in a professional medium.

      • I agree, but I think Batiuk believes “name recognition” trumps everything, including “being interesting.” We just had a week with Dinkle saying things that an imbecile would be afraid to utter, but Dinkle’s name is out there again so Batiuk will get invited to the OMEA again.

  14. Count of Tower Grove

    BWAWHAWHAWHAW! It’s funny because the won’t let the director on the lot!

  15. Banana Jr. 6000

    If I may re-use a post from a prior day: “Batiuk would be the picture of befuddlement when it’s pointed out that he’s yet again dished out a heaping helping of homoerotic subtext. Les’ blank, vaguely horrified glare when faced with an obvious thing that he’s too out of it and dumb to foresee is pretty much the artist’s self-portrait.”

  16. Perfect Tommy

    Sir? Are you being held against your will? Blink once for yes and twice for no.

  17. Barnaby Scones

    The genius strikes again. Instead of boring us with months and months of pre-production details, we were gifted with a sweet “I’m not retiring after all” tale so that we could jump right into the movie shoot.

    Too bad Les & Masonary were driving around town all that time. But lead actors can’t be bothered with details. Especially useless things like how to get on “the lot” to film your scenes.

  18. Gerard Plourde

    Given all of the miscues that regularly appear, I’m beginning to think that this strip has morphed into a version of “How Many Things Can You Find Wrong”.

    Mason is ostensibly both the producer and the lead actor in “Lisa’s Story”. How is it possible that he’s unaware of the shooting schedule?

    “Today’s the day they’re shooting ‘Lisa’s Story’”? A one day shoot? I think a 30-second commercial takes at least that long.