Today’s strip was not available for preview. Please enjoy this brief period of time where you can think it might be a good one.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Tagged as alcohol, Cindy, Hollywood, Les, palm trees
I am going to guess that it will be terrible.
The Planck Time unit is roughly 5 x 10^-44 seconds. This is more than enough time to fully enjoy a Funky Winkerbean strip, then at least reach for a beer.
I just cleaned the litterbox. It held more compelling drama and made more sense than this strip ever will.
Les will be sleeping in the subway when he gets home.
Despite Petula Clark’s direct instructions!
Don’t stand in the pouring rain!
That girl’s hair looks oddly dry…
Sharp eye readers will note that the newspaper has the headline “American held hostage” – this will eventually turn out to be Wally Winkerbean.
And yes one remembers New York in the old days the place was crawling with hipster pick pockets.
What are the odds that, before this story arc ends, the ghost of Blessed Dead St. Lisa leads Les to safety, allowing him to save the lives of everyone else? Mason will again proclaim Les to be history’s greatest hero and announce plans for a sequel to the film version of “Lisa’s Story” titled “Les’ Story” (because, of course, “Lisa’s Story” doesn’t focus on Les at all).
A year from now, we will read in horror as the new movie goes before the cameras with Mason again playing Les, another actor playing Mason (in Les drag), Marianne Winters playing Lisa’s ghost and another actress (Elizabeth I of the food truck, perhaps) playing Marianne playing living Lisa. Les will receive the Medal of Freedom and a Pulitzer and both movies will win Best Picture Oscars.
Erp. Excuse me. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
When reading, or reflecting on, a Batiuk strip, it’s always wise to keep a bucket handy.
Well, we’re right back to Les’ perspective, so right now who the hell knows? Will Les and Cindy be trapped together by the big fire? Will Mason and Cayla seethe with jealousy? Will anyone still be reading FW by that point?
“Things were getting a little too intense on the set and I needed to step away.”
(Engage Funkyversal Translator.)
(Funkyversal Translator engaged.)
“I kept screwing up and this time I didn’t get away with it.”
“Would a little wine help?”
“That’s all I’ve been doing since Masonne suggested this project, and…oh, you meant W-I-N-E! Sorry, I just assumed…”
At first I thought, “Intense? C’mon Les, you were acting as a waiter. You should be able to handle talking to a couple of customers, you worked at Montoni’s!” But then I realized how stupid that thought was.
What would Les know about talking to customers from working at Montoni’s?
I never think the next FW will be a good one. But I’m consistently thrown by whatever specific way it ends up being bad.
The strip is one long solicitation for pity by an inept bludger who won’t admit that he’s too stupid to live, isn’t it? From moaning about mothers who want them to succeed in life to whining that his monstrous, fragile ego isn’t stroked non-stop, Les is The Complete SHPOS.
Fuck you, Les. You spend every goddam minute of your and everyone else’s time whining that you have to protect Lisa’s memory. And you leave the set because “things were getting too intense”? Isn’t that exactly when you SHOULD be there? Why, they could be saying bad things about Lisa right now!
These Hollywood people have spent a lot of money indulging your every whim, giving you a place to stay, and feeding your massive ego. And your way of saying thanks is to flub your line so badly you put the movie over budget, and then leave the set in the middle of shooting. These people are paying you to do a job, Les. A job YOU insisted on having!
But you be you. Do your plot contrivance so you can be in the path of the other plot contrivance, so fucking Lisa can rise from the dead for the 50th time to save you from your own worst traits. For someone who’s dead and claims to love you, she sure does keep you alive.
Oh, and nice seeing you too, Cindy. I see you have nothing else to do during a workday but lounge around the house and drink alcohol. Aren’t you supposed to be making sure your husband, who inexplicably puts up with your bullshit even more than he does Les’, isn’t smooching his more attractive, age-appropriate costar?
1. Okay so it’s official that Cindye doesn’t work as the lead anchor for “BuddyBlog.com Daily News” anymore? Because even for a cheesy low-rent online news outlet, Cindye should still be pretty damned busy — Yet she’s been nothing but a stay-at-home trophy wife and chauffeur for the last 2-3 years. Maybe the crowdfunding (ugh) for her salary ran out, or maybe the tech geeks realized a 59-year old grandma wasn’t the best choice to hit their prime viewership demographic, or maybe they got tired of her lameassed insults towards all the millennial and Gen Z girls on staff who had the unmitigated gall to be young, attractive and exist…
2. You know, for someone as notoriously vain and self-centered and hyper sensitive about how other people see her, Cindye’s wardrobe is bland AF — Especially in the most image-conscious place on the planet… I’ve seen domestic servants in L.A. with a better sense of style.
3. So how the fuck did Les get home from the studio? Neither Masone nor Cindye drove him, and he’s too much of a bellyaching cheapskate to spring for a taxi…
4. “Things got a little intense on the set” sounds so much better than “I was such a whiny meddlesome asshole that after I had the nerve to demand more lines in *MY* movie, the crew asked me to walk to Dodger Stadium and manually measure the height of each individual blade of grass to ensure they’re within official MLB limits!”
Shouldn’t Cindy be at the gym or getting more plastic surgery like a true Hollywood wife?
And is she hitting on Les?
Cindy puts no effort into anything. That approach does NOT work in Los Angeles. I’ve known some highly attractive young women who moved to L.A. to seek performing careers. They quickly discover how hyper-competitive it is, and how much competition there is. Lazy, self-entitled high school queen bees like Cindy are a dime a dozen. To say nothing of her advanced age, constant neediness, and lack of any apparent talent.
Well, at least we all have an extra reason to point and laugh at Batuik today.
Columbia artist earns comic industry’s highest honor
Congratulations to the winner and a big F.U. to Batuik.
Is Les coming down with Little Orphan Annie Syndrome in panel three? Jeepers!
Here we go…
Do you think Batiuk really has been setting it up for Cindy to make a serious pass at Les, and this is where she will do it, but the fire will stop them from actually doing anything? Until now, I didn’t really think Cindy was seriously trying for Les, but there’s just something here that makes me wonder – they’re alone, Mason won’t be back for a while, there’s wine, Cindy has dropped a few hints, but there’s something coming that will prevent any actual plot development. (Because real plot developments in FW only happen about twice a decade, and we’re not due for one yet.)
If Les did cheat with Cindy, would he be betraying Cayla or Lisa?
Lord, I hope not. The thought of Cindy feeling that she has to bang Les just to prove that she’s still “got it” is about as far down into the pit of low self-esteem that you can get. And if the fire interrupted any potential flings, then we’re most certain to have another car conversation somewhere down the line with Les asking Cindy “if the fire hadn’t intruded, would you have um, um…” and Cindy answering “You’ll nevverr knowww” as she drives away.
We have to ask ourselves: WWBD. And what Batiuk does is harbor every little grudge from high school so he can eventually exact revenge. Were you a Sporto? You’ll be hated, humiliated and die for your sins. Were you popular and generally well liked? Prepare to step on a landmine, rip off your girlfriends arm, spend two turns as a POW and get cucked by a comic book store owner. Were you too cool do date Batiuk in high school? You’ll be humiliated for being old, you’ll be vain and afraid every day, and you’ll most certainly hit on this repulsive author-avatar, just so that he can turn you down. Because he’s better than you.
If Les sleeps with Cindy tonight, then tomorrow morning he’ll look in the mirror and say “How could you cheat on me like that?”
I’d rather they burn to death in the approaching fire (it’s the romantic in me) but I suspect the ‘Cindy makes pass at Les but that is stopped by the fire where Les ends up saving her life but the house burns down’ plotline is far far more likely.
Lord where is the murder chimp when one really needs him.