The Carpet Will Be Red With Fire

Oh yay, just what any story needs, Manic Pete. Of course it was just a matter of time before Pete, and then Darrin, and inevitable Harry and John are out in Hollywood involved in all this for some reason. How many imaginary movie titles do you think Batiuk has? I picture a sheet of paper in his studio with a “Batom Cinematic Universe” breakdown of 20+ titles, involving the Inedible Pulp, Rip Tide, Wayback Wendy, and heck, he’d probably have Lisa’s Story tie into it too. It still just baffles my mind how much time has been spent on Starbuck Jones, and how we’ve seen basically nothing of it beyond a few titles and covers Batiuk got someone else to draw.
I do love how weary Les looks in the first panel. Poor guy. Look at all he’s been through. Getting a vanity cameo in the movie he’s being paid no doubt way too much money to option.  And now he’s having to drink wine on a couch with the hot blonde girl from school he still has the hots for. Why can’t anything ever go his way?


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

29 responses to “The Carpet Will Be Red With Fire

  1. The whole scenario, all of it, including the Starbuck Jones crap, all the covers–it’s Lesturbation. It’s all about worshiping Batiuk’s primary creation.

    • spacemanspiff85

      You could tell me this entire storyline is what Les thinks about when he’s forced to sleep with Cayla and I’d believe it.

  2. Epicus Doomus

    He always does this with his really long arcs, he can’t keep himself from going off on tangent after tangent, sometimes to a point where the original premise vanishes entirely. I don’t think THAT will happen this time, but the tangent train has definitely left the station here. Apparently half of Westview will be flying right into the teeth of a golf fire, which will probably be as interesting and eventful as that premise sounds. Sigh.

    • spacemanspiff85

      This strip is called Funky Winkerbean, not Les Moore. It’s supposed to be a thoughtful look at serious issues facing young people, not old people talking about and/or making comics/cancer media. I don’t think you can call them “tangents” anymore.

      • Epicus Doomus

        Sort of like how the Same Sex Couple Prom Arc wasn’t about the same sex couple at all. Becky’s meddlesome old bag of a mother got involved, then Summer gunked everything all up, then Nate took center stage, then some prom scenery didn’t exactly come out as gay but considered it in the future. The original premise was completely lost as BatHack spiraled out of control.

        This one is supposed to be about (sigh) the second “Lisa’s Story” movie and for a while there it was, but then Les was in the movie, then some golfers may or may not have started a big fire and now (sigh) Starbuck Jones and the Atomik Komix gang are involved. He just can’t stick to the premise particularly if the arc is more than two weeks. I mean he physically can’t do it, it’s like a compulsion and he can’t help it. Maybe it’s a lack of focus, maybe he gets bored and thinks he needs to add more things to the story to hold our interest or maybe he’s just a lazy hack, but it’s definitely annoying.

  3. billytheskink

    “Hey, I’ve been invited to your brother’s crappy theater in Centerville!!!”

    Or are we not doing that this time?

  4. William Thompson

    A break in the filming of Lisa’s Gory? Well, that will certainly help the budget, with the sets and all that put in storage or something, and film waiting on the shelves, and actors jumping ship for new roles or going to jail or dying, and studio execs getting a chance for their meds to kick in. Or is Batiuk unaware that when a film goes “on hiatus” it’s more likely to be dumped?

    • “Batiuk” and “unaware” really go together nicely. The second could be a very concise epitaph. “Tom Batiuk – completely unaware.”

      Before anyone freaks out, I am not wishing for Tom Batiuk’s demise. Here’s hoping he lives a long, fulfilling life.

    • spacemanspiff85

      I have a strong strong feeling they don’t just stop production on a movie so the stars can go promote their other movie. What makes it even more hilarious is that Mason insisted Lisa be played by his costar from Starbuck Jones. If it was a different actress they could probably just keep filming without Mason for a day or two.

      • batgirl

        You think there might be scenes in “Lisa’s Story” that only feature Lisa, with no Les centre-stage?
        Pretty sure there are not. Any scene with Les even in the background (the airport strip where she had a phone message that her cancer had metastasized, while Les read a magazine) will have been rewritten so that she tells Les about it (as in the filmed restaurant scene) and all reaction shots will be of him.
        Nothing can happen without Les present.

  5. William Thompson

    Has anyone identified the ugly spud in the banner? It’s got hair like a Funkyverse female, but a Funkyman’s face. Is this the unhallowed spawn of Mopey Pete and Mindy, or is Batiuk’s next arc going to be called Frankenstoned?

    • erdmann

      Actually, I think it’s going to be called “Charterstoned.” That looks like Tommy the Tweaker from “Mary Worth.”

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      I like to think it’s Mindy, laughing uproariously at Pete’s marriage “proposal” with the stuffed animal at the county fair.

      Even by Funkyverse standards, that was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Pete should be marked for life as “the engagement tiger guy.” He should be an Internet meme. He should be laughed at by men and avoided by women. Jim from American Pie should say “Dude, you’re never going to live that down.”

  6. J.J. O'Malley

    Say what you will about Mopey Pete, I do like his Rick Sanchez laptop.

    What’s that? That’s supposed to be a pineapple? Forget it, then.

  7. Paul Jones

    This, of course, allows Les to nail himself to his cross because something not about him is being promoted.

  8. Gerard Plourde

    Just a thought- I wonder if part of this “Lisa’s Story” hiatus business is related to TomBa’s usual San Diego ComiCon arcs that run around this time.

    • Hitorque

      All the more stupid now that we got a pandemic to deal with… I know Batiuk writes this stuff a year in advance, but some things you’ve just got to plot around…

      • Michael

        Oh, Lord, that means that right now he’s working on an arc for next summer, filled with lame, tasteless pandemic puns. Can’t wait.

  9. Hitorque


    Do I have this correct? Some time between Les finishing his waiter line and magically teleporting to Masone’s condo, all production of Lisa’s Story got shut down so Masone and Marianne can promote the SJ sequel? HOW would Cindye even know this? WHEN did Masone even film it? Because he’s never mentioned it in the past 8+ months. What the hell has Marianne been doing all this time? How in fuck’s name did Masone find the time to follow Les around Manhattan for a week, attend pitch meetings for a month and fly to Westview just so HE COULD SIT IN A HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT FOR NINE HOURS if he had a movie to promote? Bringing Marianne and Martin in to Lisa’s Story seems all the more lazy now… And WHY were Marianne and Martin acting like they hadn’t had any decent job offers since the first movie when Masone approached them?

    And WHY is Pete getting an invite when he had nothing to do with the sequel? And WHY would he even be excited about going back to that ratty-assed Valentine Theatre when he could go there anytime?

    If we all email “kill fee” to Batiuk then he has to end this storyline and mail us all a check, right??

    • If I recall, the two SJ films were shot simultaneously, so Pete could have been the scriptwriter for both films.

      • Hitorque

        Uh… Yeah, Hollywood doesn’t work that way… I’ve heard of parts 2 and 3 of a movie being shot at the same time but never parts 1+2 of a movie… IIRC, the SJ sequel wasn’t even greenlit until the first movie was done, and even then they greenlit TWO sequels, ala “The Matrix”… Batiuk’s retcons are sloppy as all fuck!

        (Note– I’m not counting really long-assed movies that studios decided to break into two parts)

        • The 1978 Superman and its sequel were supposed to be shot simultaneously, as well as the Richard Lester version of the Three Musketeers. But it doesn’t matter, Batiuk is going to Batiuk.

          • William Thompson

            IIRC, the sequel to Lester’s “Three Musketeers” ran into trouble when the original cast had to be recalled to film extra footage for “The Four Musketeers.” They hadn’t liked the cheapskate approach of filming two movies after contracting for one, and managed to squeeze some extra money out of the production company.

  10. Professor Fate

    1) Once again it’s time to haul out a Tom Servo Quote “Oh the really unappealing characters”
    2) As so so many others have pointed out no – movie making doesn’t work that way Tom not one little bit. One begins to wonder if he understands ANYTHING.
    3) and lastly Why do this? Was there a reader out there somewhere wondering ‘whatever happened to the Starbuck Jones sequel?’ Of course not. And how the hell does this tie in with the fire started by the golfers? Or the Lisa’s story film? Did we need to see Mopey Pete in his manic phase? I’m almost sure he’s more pleased to be in position to blow off work rather than anything else.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      I hate Mopey Pete in his manic phase. Because he’s always manic about something stupid. He proposed marriage to his way-out-of-your-league girlfriend like he was being held at gunpoint, but mention comic books at all and he looks like he won a car on The Price is Right.

  11. Don

    “Of course it was just a matter of time before Pete, and then Darrin, and inevitable Harry and John are out in Hollywood involved in all this for some reason” – you mean like, oh, I don’t know, say, how about, so they can all be stuck in some mysteriously-started wildfire?

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      A mysterious wildfire starts, and someone on the other side of the country receives an email invitation to go to a movie premiere. Timing!

  12. Westview Radiology

    Here goes …. Panel 1 Cindy could’ve just said “Mason mentioned they’ll be a break in the shooting “. Panel 3 … Mopester Pete in his filthy shirt exclaiming to his non descriptive blonde girlfriend … All these interchangeable blondes … Cindy, Jessica, Pete’s GF….. At least we can differentiate Holly as Batty-yuck has made her obese.

  13. newagepalimpsest

    On one hand, I know that nothing good would have come from Les and Cindy getting day drunk and talking endlessly about each other’s one storyline that they have ever had.

    On the other hand, storylines about golf are awful, even if this one does tease that all of the characters will die in a fire. FIRE!!!!!!!

    Oh, and Mindy could have been interesting in the sense that they could have played a bit with the weird way time works in the Crankshaftiverse, but ever since she made the jump, she has somehow been even more pointless and unnecessary than she ever was in Crankshaft. (Pete doesn’t even have anything like THAT going for him.)