Yep, the Pizza Monster is here. Just like he was yesterday. Not sure why today’s strip couldn’t have just taken place yesterday, other than just to waste time. But of course that can’t be Batiuk’s reason, so I must have missed a subtle nuance yesterday.
I really, really do not like the sideways daily strips. But making them multiple panels is even worse. I can’t imagine what a nightmare this would be to read in black and white in an actual newspaper.
Do you think the PM has been standing motionless in the doorway for long enough for Funky to notice and make a phone call, or did Funky have nothing better to do at work than stand around with his phone ready for the PM?
The Westview Horror
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Son of Stuck Funky 
I really hope Funky is calling his new friends at ICE to come in and arrest this jackass.
Hans! Get the flammenwerfer!
Oder die Wasserkanone. Es macht nicht!
I suppose that in a way instant idiocy is maybe better than long drawn-out idiocy is. Then again, I suppose it depends on how idiotic it is. I don’t even get Pizza Monster. I mean, what does it do? The Hamburglar steals hamburgers, the Burger King reigns over his burger kingdom, the Noid ruined pizza deliveries, so what does Pizza Monster do? And could he have chosen a more generic name? Pizza Monster…what is he, five?
Oh, the Noid will weep with envy when he sees how badly the Pizza Monster will ruin pizza for everyone.
And this is based on a real-life pizza parlor’s Halloween tradition? Just how bored and unimaginative are these people?
“Get ready. He’s here.” strikes me as a contradiction. Shouldn’t whomever Funky is calling have been ready before the pizza monster arrived?
It’s The Pizza Box Monster, Funky Winkerbean!
Somehow this lacks the gravitas of the classic “Peanuts” story.
LOL Wally sits in the mozzarella patch all night, waiting for Pizza Monster to appear. Then it rains and we get an “Indelible Pulp” Sunday comic book cover.
Funky hopes that the Pizza Box Monster will visit Montoni’s, and bring him the mozzarella he forgot to order. The Pizza Box Monster only visits the most insincere pizza stores, so Funky invites Les over. Les asks about his belief in the Pizza Box Monster; Funky asks Les why he worships his dead wife. Les smirks and says “doctrinal disagreements.” Dinkle comes over, trying to sell copies of the “Bedside Manorisms” album. A Vince Guaraldi-esque piano starts to play on the radio; DInkle turns it off and puts the Bedside Manorisms on instead.
The Pizza Box Monster arrives, to Funky’s delight. But all he does is place a carryout order. Funky, Holly, Durwood,and Skunkhead John all try to figure out who the Pizza Box Monster is, but fail because they are all skull-crushingly stupid. While leaving, the monster sheds the suit, leaving a big pile of boxes that Funky has to clean up. Funky realizes he never should have expected anything good to happen, and his mozzarella was never going to come anyway. After a long night of cleaning, Les finds Funky passed out on the sidewalk at 4 am. He stops for a moment, then walks past him to go sit on Lisa’s bench.
I’d add this to my “Watch Later” on Netflix, not because I don’t like it, but because I can never decide what to watch.
I don’t even get Pizza Monster. I mean, what does it do?
It creates a pretext for Batiuk to publish a comic strip where the word “Montoni’s” appears 50 times. I counted them. But some are obscured by zip-a-tone and the ones at the bottom look like his hand was getting tired.
I’ve always wondered why BatYam doesn’t sell merch. There are his books of course, plus a few rather uninspiring mugs (proud owner right here) but where are the Montoni’s and “Lisa’s Legacy” T shirts? Komix Korner, Starbuck Jones, Rip Tide: Scuba Cop…he’s missing out on dozens of potential dollars here.
How much kitsch, er, merch does he already have crammed into his garage/attic/basement/guest bedroom . . .
There are t-shirts for the Lisa’s Legacy Run itself, new design each year (as is typical for runs – my husband has heaps of t-shirts from various 5-20km runs). You can see a couple here: https://funkywinkerbean.com/wpblog/tag/lisas-legacy/
But I guess TB’s priority is to get you to buy his books. They are his Art, and merch is crass commercialism. Or something.
Bill Watterson, he ain’t.
Those 2019 T-shirts are dreadful. They’re the kind that are two sizes too small, and you HAVE to wear it over another shirt because it’s opaque. You can see proof in the second image. I’d say they got the shirts for $1.50 each. At least spring for the Hanes Beefy T.
You would figure a guy who is in the publishing business would put in a little more effort. But he doesn’t, of course.
Maybe he just dropped the whole thing into the Rotary Club’s metaphorical lap, and after that, they figured that they’d just do it on the cheap and see if he bothered to care.
It earns Batty a free pizza at Luigi’s in Akron.
There is nothing more to this story. There is no connection to Peanuts. (As if Batty were capable of learning from someone else. He already considers himself one of the greats like Schultz.)
Batiuk is a compulsive giver. The organizations that indulge his ego – Luigi’s, Kent State, the Ohio Music Educators Association – are rewarded with massive amounts of favorable mentions in Funky Winkerbean – and an expectation that this quid pro quo will continue. Those who don’t, like those mean old Hollywood people who wouldn’t make his Crankshaft movie, are portrayed as villains. They receive lovingly drawn full-panel Sunday strips of their entire city burning to the ground.
Baituk’s accountant each spring:
“No, Tom, that IS NOT an in-kind donation.”
Meanwhile, Los Angeles (and area) says “We burn our own city, and every other famous city, to the ground at least twice a week for our movies that people actually line up in droves to watch. CRY SOME MORE!!!!”
Spoiler Alert … The Pizza Monster is actually Crazy Harry experiencing an LSD flashback.
Technically it’s Ayers’s hand, isn’t it?
Can’t he just have a moment of introspection – just one moment – to come to terms that this is his strength and ultimately what he truthfully wants to do.
You want to write whimsical fluff strips about nonsense? Have at it, man. All the power to you.
Every time you try to go beyond these bounds, you fail. Every time. Tone deafness which insults common sense and intelligence, unawareness to the world and how humans act and speak, pacing issues that would make a nursing home invalid laugh; all these criticisms and more would never come your way if you didn’t invite them. Doing these strips is how you don’t invite them.
The world isn’t telling you to stay gag-a-day. It is you who unfailingly demonstrates, time and time again, that you are incapable of doing anything more than that.
Meanwhile, this marks, what – four weeks since Les has last smeared his smirk on the strip? Five? Just as long to not be reminded that Dead Saint Lisa is dead? Here’s hoping those streaks don’t break soon.
Here’s hoping!
(By the way, I noticed that I made basically the same comment about Rachel as you did the other day. I don’t know why I didn’t notice until after I hit “Reply,” but at that point the comments section had moved on and I didn’t think to apologize in the moment. I’m sorry!)
I think I understand. These are all the pizzas that didn’t get delivered or were shoved back over the counter as the customer puked.
Okay, well this is a good start because now we know why the PIzza Monster is angry…
Battyuk’s 2020 “Pizza Monster” Arc:
Monday: The door to Montoni’s opens to reveal the Pizza Monster entering.
Tuesday: PM finishes walking through the doorway. “Get ready…he’s here,” says Funky.
Wednesday: PM walks toward Funky at the counter.
Thursday: PM nears the counter.
Friday: PM reaches the counter.
Saturday: PM is seen leaving the restaurant, while inside Funky sighs “Phew! That was close!”
Battyuk Comic Strip 2020 Anti-Climax #57 in the series; collect ’em all.
Don’t forget the sideways Sunday with the tip of the felt tip to some other artist.
Man, I thought my predictions were solid gold, but you’re probably right on the money.
So, Funky is alerting Les, who’s positioned in the machine gun nest? Sweet!
Or, Funky is alerting Crazy to release the boulder, à la Chevy Chase in “Funny Farm.”
Haiku of the Day:
Source of the boxes:
Ordered pizza ninety times?
Or dumpster out back?
“Get Ready… He’s HERE!”
Then Les comes in and orders a single stick of garlic bread, and a flat RC Cola.
After saying, “Give me the best you’ve got.”
“–in a clean glass!”
God damn it, Tom…
The Band Box did not appear above the doorway yesterday.